It's been a while since Angelina Jolie had a film in the cinema; instead, she's spent the last few months choosing to hang around with Brad Pitt in Africa, letting doctors hack open her belly and pull children out.
But Angelina Jolie is planning to return to what she does best – chronic self-publicising making films and that. And how best will Angelina Jolie make her critically-acclaimed return to the high-art world of cinema after her break? By doing the voice of a funny tiger in a funny cartoon about a panda that does kung fu. Obviously.
You'd be forgiven if you had forgotten that Angelina Jolie's primary job is as an actress, since she hasn't really done very much of that lately. Instead of slipping a couple of chicken fillets into a wetsuit and raiding tombs, Angelina Jolie has been far more content to create the most beautiful family in the world with Brad Pitt, act as a role model for Jessica Simpson, attempt to adopt everyone on the planet, get terrified by having a baby and then turn it into a tiny clotheshorse anyway.
But being slightly self-important about being a big cheese humanitarian doesn't pay the bills. Sadly, being in crappy films like Alexander and Sky Captain And The World Of Tomorrow does pay the bills, so it's back to the movie studios for Angelina Jolie. Just weeks after Angelina and Brad left Namibia in a confused state of meat-cooking, she's signed up for the Dreamworks cartoon Kung Fu Panda.
In Kung Fu Panda – co-starring Jack Black, Dustin Hoffman, Jackie Chan, Lucy Liu and that bloke who was Lovejoy – Angelina Jolie will play Tigress, a martial arts master who must train a lazy panda how to win fights or something. Look, it's a cartoon about some funny animals, just like Over The Hedge and Hoodwinked and Shark Tale and Madagascar and The Wild, so you more or less know what it'll be like.
You've got a couple of years to brace yourselves for Kung Fu Panda, and it goes without saying that you'll spend those years climbing the walls in a frenzy of anticipation, so here's what we propose: go to a zoo, kidnap a panda, drop it into the tiger enclosure and watch the inevitable resulting martial arts training that takes place while imagining that the tiger is talking endlessly about refugees. Panda-disembowelling aside, that's going to be pretty much identical to Kung Fu Panda.
Read more:
Angelina Ends Maternity Leave – E! Online
[story by Stuart Heritage]
KS Dallas says
Wow – are we a little synical or what?
Just what exactly is wrong with being a humanitarian?
Why is Angelina so criticized for trying to good, nice things?
I am not saying she is perfect, but lighten up a little.
The world would be a better place if everyone tried to be a little nicer, do some good.
How many of these millionaire movie stars are actually involved and doing something?
Sure alot of them “give to charity”, but is that out of the true desire to help or is it for the tax break?
Probably the tax break. Very few have probably gotten their hands “dirty” with charity work.
So, she may have her faults, but at least she is not just sitting on her rump!
And hey, guess what… there are a lot of people that love those cartoons Dream Works, Pixar and Disney put out.
KS Dallas
wilk says
I reckon the panda would win. They’re big fat fuckers with a skull and jaw closely resembling a hyena.