The whole 'Angelina Jolie: is she pregnant or isn't she pregnant' debate has literally been the one major talking point of everyone in the universe over the last few weeks.
Actually, that's a lie. The 'Angelina Jolie: is she pregnant or isn't she pregnant' debate hasn't been anything like a talking point at all because the answer is yes, Angelina Jolie is very obviously pregnant and only an idiot would question it.
And to make it clearer, Angelina Jolie was seen at an awards show this weekend in a tiny dress with her belly poking out. So it's either pregnancy or irritable bowel syndrome; something we've chosen to uncover by hooking a secret microphone up to Angelina Jolie's arse and measuring how loud and messy-sounding all her farts are. Honestly, you can thank us later.
Of all the current crop of pregnant celebrities, none have been easier to diagnose than Angelina Jolie. Sure, Halle Berry and Jessica Alba may have seen their breasts expand like someone's working them with a footpump, but it's not exactly rare to see actresses suddenly jump bra sizes without warning. But Angelina Jolie has a different pregnancy tell.
You see, when Angelina Jolie gets pregnant, she stops being so thin that it's actually a little distressing to look at her and becomes normal-sized again. So, yes, everyone has known that Angelina Jolie is pregnant for a while, but this is the first time that she's made the news seem anywhere near official.
You see, Angelina Jolie turned up to an awards show this weekend and, for the first time since Brad Pitt knocked her up, she wasn't covered in a four-man tent to disguise it, as E! Online reports:
There it was – Angelina Jolie's baby bump! She did nothing to hide it today at the Film Independent's Spirit Awards in Santa Monica. No loose-fitting clothing. No holding oversize handbags over her midsection. Not even a coat. She wore a body-hugging black dress along with matching Jimmy Choo heels.
We should point out that it's a rare break from tradition of Angelina Jolie to show off her baby-bump in such a brazen way. Usually when she gets pregnant, Angelina Jolie likes to go to a dusty African country and pretend that the fertile earth knocked her up, to make the baby feel more at home with its adopted multinational counterparts.
But now that Angelina Jolie's pregnancy is out in the open for everyone to see, we should really ask ourselves why. Is the bump getting too hard to cover? Is Angelina trying to court more paparazzi to hang around her house so she can get them arrested? Or, as we suspect, is this Angelina Jolie's way to make sure she gets an even bigger payday when she sells her baby photos to a magazine?
If that's the case, then it's probably clever of her to get in early. As Christina Aguilera's recent deal showed, nobody gives a shit about celebrity baby photos any more. And even though Angelina Jolie is pregnant with twins, that's not such a big deal either thanks to Jennifer Lopez's twins and Jessica Alba's imminent twins.
So, by getting her pregnancy announcement out in the open this early, Angelina Jolie has given herself enough time to dream up her own gimmick to keep the magazine readers happy by the time her babies are born. What that gimmick will be we're not sure, although we have heard rumours that Angelina plans to pay a gynaecologist to stitch little tiny top hats onto her unborn babies' heads prenatally to make them look quite posh.
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