Good news, world! American Idol has picked its final 12 contestants, which means that American Idol will be over in…
What? Three months? That’s ages away! Oh, this isn’t the good news that we originally thought it was. But, hey, at least the last few weeks have conclusively shown that this is the most talented crop of contestants that American Idol has ever seen, right?
What? By common consensus this is the least-talented group of American Idol contestants in the show’s history? This news keeps getting worse and worse! Next you’ll be telling us that the winner of American Idol will end up releasing some sort of second-rate, hackily generic power ballad as their first single? WHAT? The WILL? Oh, this isn’t our day at all. Meet the American Idol final 12 after the jump…
Didi Benami – Comprehensively bland 23-year-old who appears to like Fleetwood Mac a bit too much, which is to say more than not at all. Incidentally, when people say her name, be sure to reply “I don’t know, did he?” Try it, and she almost definitely hasn’t heard it before.
Crystal Bowersox – The one to beat, apparently. Some say she’s the new Kelly Clarkson, which is great because it means she’ll win American Idol, make a genuinely terrible musical with the runner-up, stop being famous and make everyone think she’s a lesbian. Fun!
Lacey Brown – Name like a prostitute, face like Sharon Osbourne after a household incident, voice like a kitten being kicked in the nutsack. Not even the American Idol judges like her, so it’s probably not worth remembering her name.
Lee DeWyze – He has a guitar, he’s slightly podgy and he doesn’t shave very often. Wait, he’s that idiot boyfriend you had in college, isn’t he?
Andrew Garcia – Andrew Garcia’s favourite quote is ‘live for today’. Really it should be ‘get some singing lessons and a personality transplant for tomorrow’ – but kids today, they never listen.
Casey James – Legitimately annoying sub-Nickelback berk with a girl’s haircut. Says he’s apparently influenced by ‘everything I hear’. In which case he should phone us up, because we’ve got a song called Casey James Is A Spakplank that should influence him plenty.
Aaron Kelly – Only 16 years old, so it’d be wrong to insult him here. That said, he’s consistently terrible at everything he does and we hope he fails at the very first opportunity.
Michael Lynche – You know how, every year on American Idol, one of the contestants has to occasionally wear a hat? Yeah, it’s him. He’s quite good, too. Comparatively. Which doesn’t really say a lot.
Siobhan Magnus – Siobhan has a nose-ring and lives her life by the motto ‘sing as if no one were listening’. Again, it should probably be ‘sing in tune and sort your posture out’, but we’re not going to mess with her. She’s got a nose-ring, for crying out loud.
Paige Miles – One of the only American Idol contestants who actually looks pleased to be there this year. But the judges really don’t like her, so let’s hope she’s just as pleased about dwindling in obscurity for the rest of her life, right Paige?
Katie Stevens – 17 years old. Smile like a possessed Chucky doll. That’s literally all.
Tim Urban – Say stop when you start disliking Tim Urban – he’s influenced by John Mayer, he’s got a haircut that makes him look like the black sheep of the Osmond family, he’s… oh, you said stop immediately after we mentioned John Mayer? Yeah, us too.
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