Young Apprentice. It's a bit mean, isn't it? Taking a bunch of kids away from their parents, turning them against each other, mocking them on national TV and then killing them off one by one. If hecklerspray had a heart, it?d break. But we don't, so we just find it entertaining.
But last night, it looked like Lord Sugar had some level of guilt for destroying 12 young lives, as he started the day and the episode by sending some lovely flower to the house.
Unfortunately for the Apprentice Brats, he then remembered how irritating they were, and had to desperately backpedal. And so, the floristry task was born.
Yes, that's right. The Dark Lord wanted a bunch of teenagers to make and sell flower arrangements, and as always, the team with the biggest profit wins. Since the boys have been a bit crap though, he had to reorganize the teams. So Posh Harry and Lewis found themselves joining the team formerly known as the girls? team, whilst Lizzie, Haya and Hayley buggered off over to the boys. Which means we have to start using their dreadful team names; Kinetic and Atomic.
Sadly, we were denied one of the classic fights of each episode, as Lord Sugar had already picked his project managers. Hannah was leading Kinetic, and Lizzie was in charge of Atomic. We have no idea why he picked those two; presumably it's because we?d really not noticed them before and he wanted to remind us that someone other than Posh Harry exists.
Thankfully, the Sith Sugar still made sure that the teams had a chance to make complete dicks of themselves by going to some pitches. Atomic sent Irish James and Other Harry, just because they're boys and they had no interest in playing with flowers. Excellent casual sexism there, Young Apprentice, excellent casual sexism.
Unfortunately for Atomic, the boys turned out to have no idea what they were doing and pitched some kind of ridiculous ?rainforest chic? idea to a swanky hairdressers. They were awarded one of the three contracts, and had to make nice flower arrangements for a ruby wedding anniversary. Except seemingly, nobody told them that, and they made rubbish flower arrangements fit for a child?s tea party and had to lower their price because they were just that crap.
Over at Kinetic, things seemed to be going rather better despite Lewis?s irrational insistence on attempting to ruin yet more pitches. Apparently trashing his team?s chances last week just wasn?t enough for him, and so he turned up with his phone still on and then had no idea how to turn it off. Despite this Zara and her spangly eyes succeeded in winning two out of the three pitches, and bringing in some money for the team.
And so we came to selling time. Kinetic provided a terrifying glimpse of the future as Zara and Posh Harry wandered around London delivering flowers and flirting at each other, and for a moment we thought we were going to be subjected to the world's most obnoxious teenage couple. But then Posh Harry reverted to type and swanned off around West London with Gbemi and acted like a bit of a twat. Just for a change.
The rest of Kinetic meanwhile had decided to double their profit margin, because they thought that seemed like a good idea and presumably couldn't be arsed with any more complicated maths. Atomic decided to be greedy and went with a triple profit margin, despite their flowers being a big dreadful. They all stood around at market stalls yelling at passing people about their flowers, whilst Nick and Karen scowled on. As always.
In the boardroom everyone was expecting Kinetic to win. Especially after Posh Harry succeeded in selling a flower that looked like a bouquet of dead hamsters to a bar for ?150. But this being Young Apprentice, and the BBC being the sneaky editors that they are, it turned out that Atomic had actually won. By ?12. Everyone was INCREDIBLY SHOCKED.
Kinetic?s team manager Hannah seemed to be so shocked that she lost all sense and reason and decided to bring her two most arrogant team members back into the boardroom with her. Even though Useless Lewis admitted that he was the worst one on the team. He actually took the blame for their failure, and still she spared him, the giant idiot. Hannah inevitably paid the ultimate price for her tactical error, as Lord Sugar fired her, and she got sent off in his swanky car, hopefully to some firing squad.
Back in the house everyone was incredibly upset by the possibility of Hannah leaving. But none more so that Useless Lewis, who stormed off when it became apparent that she'd been the one to go, thereby revealing why she'd saved him in the first place. They had a disgusting, youthful fancying thing going on! They wanted to stroke each other?s faces and tell each other they were so very good at business, the filthy young perverts!
Thank the Darth Sugar Lord that he had the sense to split them up before we got nasty Apprentice baby. Although come to think of it, Useless Lewis would doubtless have been too useless to work out where to put it, so we probably would?ve been safe from their spawn after all.
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