Hey guys. The X Factor?s still on. But that's totally cool because the 100 Year War ran over a couple of decades too, and that was just as important, so not to worry. Those House of the Plantagenet dudes probably had issues connecting their own personal stresses in life to Lighthouse Family lyrics too. Oh, life.
But as Virginia Woolf once said, ?When Frankie Cocozza had those girl?s names cauterized into his sigmoid colon, he was probably just a bit tipsy.?
The theme for this week was of course LOVE AND HARMONY. So, in celebration of that, we're going to get off our ivory towers, and ride our high horses back down to Planet Earth and be nice about The X Factor for a change. Because All You Need is Love, as The Beatles once said, which is true. But they also said ?We all live in a yellow submarine?, which isn't technically accurate, and that ?Happiness is a warm gun?, when in fact ? quite hilariously ? happiness is actually an abstract concept brought on by endogenous opioid peptides that adopt temporary feelings of exhilaration! Haha! God, those guys and their heroin, eh?
But nonetheless, The X Factor carried on regardless, but ONLY BECAUSE it is an amazingly brave television programme and?coincidentally?just happens to be?really really cool and brilliant and mind blowing and resplendent and amazing.
But yep ? the theme was love, as Dermot O’Leary may or may not have told us because we're only 14% convinced he's actually still in the country, let alone hosting The X Factor. Oh come on, we're only joking. Of course Dermot still hosts The X Factor, and we think he's doing a marvellous job. We only said that because X Factor is such a touchstone of televisual entertainment that we sometimes get so swept away in the mayhem – the show?s BRILLIANCE almost hosts itself! So, that's all we meant.
First to sing on Saturday was of course everyone's favourite Hi-NRG synth masterminds of hope and promise for a new generation Nu Vibe – who rather delightfully sang a U2 song fused with some wavetable synthesis and some added electro basslines! Now, SOME would say that this was a bit of a risqu? musical decision, but not us ? whom of course loved every second of the cripplingly corrupt and insincere performance of the five wife-beating dictators. Sorry, we always had trouble spelling the word ?brilliant?. Oh, Nu Vibe. You are so funny and blokey and adorable together. We bet sometimes you push your intense heterosexuality to the core and order a ?slippery nipple? shot from a bar just for a laugh because you're just a bunch of down to earth guys really. Onwards and upwards!
Oh our god! Imagine if the day after Christmas they had a day called Christmas 2! Yeah, that's right. Following in the canyon-sized footprints of magnificence of Nu Vibe was Sami Brookes, who sang I Will Always Love You ? which is of course not only the greatest song in the world, but also championing 4th position in Woman?s Own?s Top 10 Songs To Have a Bath too. And as for Sami? WELL. Her fringe looked really, really great. we're not even bullshitting here. It glimmered like the tears of a newborn child.
?You picked a massive song, and you have a massive voice but you are definitely not clinically obese and I would never allude to that in any possible way.? Tulisa Einstein-Newton-Archimedes conferred after Sami?s really incredibly unpredictable performance.
Craig Colton was up next as you obviously remember because you guys are amazing. He sang that boring Beyonce song about ?feelings? which is fine, except us normal human beings over in Planet Sanity are all just listening to the Beyonce songs about how HER ARSE IS AMAZING AND SHE BOUNCES IT ALL OVER THE WORLD LIKE A REALLY AWESOME AMAZING VERSION OF MALARIA. Alas, Craig does not share the same musical aspirations as we do, which is a shame. In a way.
The Aurora Beurolis Janet Devlin (ie: The OTHER Queen of Our Hearts) had a hard time of it this week. Yeah, we know we've called her a bint… and an AIDS hoarder… and a happiness vacuum in the past, but that was just childish horseplay. Janet explained in her VT that her granddad died this week and just to tug at our already tattered heartstrings further, ITV cruelly told us the tale complete with our most despised of enemies – DESPONDENT PIANO.
Don't you hate it when really old people die of natural causes? We literally can't think of a time that has ever actually happened to an old person before, so Janet is tremendously unlucky. Nonetheless ? she muddled through with her version of ??I can't help falling in love with you? which apparently is a song. The lyrics sounded like a coke-addled young scamp fervently scrawling down Spandau Ballet's back catalogue on the back of a pub quiz sheet, but whatever, it's obviously beautiful and amazing and Janet?s so different and innovative from all those other try-hards who mistake having split ends for musical accomplishments. So beautiful and amazing it was, that in a moment of sheer COCAINE brilliance, Gary called Janet ? and we're not even shitting you ? ?A great translator of music.?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Which of course we agree with and think is an amazing point amazingly made obviously.
From one great translator of music to another ? no no, NOT “Elvis Presley or Little Richard or Jimi Hendrix or John Lennon or James Brown or Joni Mitchell or Aretha Franklin or someone along those lines”, MORONS ? we are of course talking about Sade Frankie Cocozza! who came back this week due to unfortunate lack of manslaughter.
But joking aside, this had actually been a tough week for Frankie. Holy coping mechanisms, Batman! If you thought things were bad for Janet this week we literally couldn't believe our ears were physically attached to the side of our own heads and always have been when we heard about Frankie?s gripes and tribulations the week previous had brought him.
Singing a song, and then not singing that song and then singing a Coldplay song.
Ignoring the fact that Rihanna once used the term ?Dope Coldplay Track? ? then this is obviously not a very nice thing that happened. We mean, JESUS Gary, Somme much? Cut the guy some slack, he's only ever felt the warmth of a woman?s touch six times, his heart aches with loneliness. Thankfully for Frankie, he is a really god-awful excuse for a singer, so his version of The Scientist went down amazingly well with literally every one. Don't you just love a happy ending? At the end of the performance, Gary tried to make a joke that Frankie should have sang I Will Always Love You, Louis and nobody laughed or made any fragment of noise for over 40 minutes. Just incredibly cystitis-y and awkward for everyone. Good.
Johnny Robinson sang I Can't Get You Out of My Head in a Geisha outfit which wasn’t?clinically misjudged or humiliating in the slightest, moreso, the singular best thing we saw on Saturday the 15th of October 2011 by a MILE. Unfortunately, Gary had to ruin the totz amazing atmos of the performance by chastising Johnny for looking EXACTLY like Aladdin. Hmm. Aladdin, eh. A-la-ddin. Okay, that's fine. He probably knew what he was talking about.
Next up was of course LIVERPOOL from Liverpool. Liverpool told us all about how being on the X Factor is a lot different to being from Liverpool, but still a good laugh regardless of all the lack of Liverpool by talking to some people who are not from Liverpool. Liverpool then sang Russian Roulette presumably because he is a massive fan of both The Deerhunter, the short lived 2003 ITV1 daytime quiz show with Rhona Cameron, and mid-tempo R&B ballads in F Sharp Minor. Liverpool seemed proper into it, and the judges were all like ‘Why are you looking at us? Do we look remotely musically qualified to judge you people in the slightest? We just really really like morphine to be honest.’ We were going to tell you more about this, but then the big thing with the sjiodijsofdjdfohfd happened and it was really boring and we didn’t want to.
After the break, we’re sure you all remember listening to Rhythamix/Rhythmix/Weetabix/The Remix to Ignition Hot and Fresh out the Kitchen out-funk the FUNK out of Nelly Furtardo’s I’m Like A Bird, which is a song about loving someone so much that you literally feel like a BIRD, but thankfully – cheers to hip hop, the Fresh Prince of Bel-air, black nationalism and all of that sort of thing it is our utmost honour to inform you that the girls managed to sing the song beautifully and well without beating the ugly one to death and chewing on her eight mouths.
Misha “What a lovely d?colletage!” Bryan came dressed as EVERYONE’S FAVOURITE QUALITY STREET LOL! Misha, what are you like, with all this talent and hair and vast selection of synthetic polymers! Misha has come a long way from riding an Arriva bus to her hometown of HOLE IN THE GROUND OF LIFE every day back and forth picking up shards of nacre from the rubble of her broken home JUST so she can eat her non-fertilized sturgeon roe properly. We love her. Well, you know. We love her in the sort of way Woody Allen loved adult women.
The Risk showed us plenty of risk with their risky interpretation of that Bruno Mars song – the risk being that the song is SO brilliant, could they overwhelm the audience with happiness TOO MUCH? As it turned out, they didn’t at all. Bit upsetting.
And last and by every single means least if we’re talking about scale of cognitive mental disorders was Kitty Brucknell. This week in ITV1’s attempt to stopper Kitty’s cognitive development’s any further, Kitty received warm praise from the one and only BLOG OF BRIAN MAY! Blimey. There we are. The Blog of Brian May. That sounds really all kinds of levels of interesting, doesn’t it? Well, we guess all that HTML from 1998 had to go somewhere. Brian May’s official Blog… ?God, if only there was some sort of way of finding out our top five favourite sentences from Brian May’s official Blog…
THE OFFICIAL HECKLERSPRAY GUIDE TO THE TOP FIVE SENTENCES OF BRIAN MAY’S OFFICIAL BLOG!
1. “I was doing E-mails at the time, but my ears pricked up when a young lad sang a song incredibly passionately”
2. ?”I have been quite quiet on the subject of the Badgers recently. I’m sorry.”
3. ?”I will be on the sofa on Friday on the ONE SHOW – introducing a short film we have made on Cows, Bovine TB, and Badgers”
4. Mel C WILL rock you!
5. “Who knows where these huge lumps of machinery will land?! NASA evidently don’t! Fabulous.”
Sorry.. What were we saying?
THE RESULTS
Nu Vibe, despite having an ENTIRELY NEW VIBE were regretfully sent home. Boy, what an intense cesspit of intensity and intense feelings it was. Alongside Nu Vibe in the firing line was The New Germaine Greer Frankie Cocozza, if you could believe such a thing. Frankie and Nu Vibe! WHO WILL KEEP ALL THE SEX IN THE UNIVERSE SAFE NOW? As you can imagine, the sing-off between the two was a physically AND emotionally challenging experience, which is something we all hate. Just ask Taylor Lautner. He found out the hard way.
Yes, the sing off was so greatly filled with anguish, angst and Angus Deaton that Frankie even veto’d singing in favour of developing small amounts of semen at irregular intervals instead. Not a problem Frankie, you carry on. It’s safe, and perfectly natural. Unless of course there’s even a whisper of an outer labia within a five metre radius, in which case use a condom. So, with a heavy heart it was a bawling rohypnol-popping Tulisa that lost one of her acts, but it’s okay Tulisa, because we’re all dying anyway.
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