Right, you lot ? no messing about. We know that we all like to have a bit of ?fun? every now and then on here, and have a bit of a harmless chuckle at the expense of these poor hard-working musicians, but Sunday?s episode of the X Factor was the most emotionally draining and traumatic piece of television we've ever seen, and now we feel all vulnerable and weird, so let's just get on with it shall we?
Because we don't want to talk about it.
Yes, this is the penultimate show before we hit the lives next week where we find out who’s going to be putting the hip in rohypnol in the fight for that incredibly?irrelevant?record contract, and who is not.
God, they were all crying so hard and violently. We can't believe that some of them will never be able to sing a well produced cover of Valerie ever again. We guess they can always keep the magic alive with YouTube Karaoke.
In the opening credits we were treated to an opening snippet of Louis saying ?You're making this really hard for me.? But he is talking about putting someone through to X Factor, NOT experimenting in amateur cryogenics, or whatever it is you’ve all been sniggering about. We told you to take this seriously.
And don't begin to think you can sit around dossing, fiddling with yourselves and poaching eggs or whatever the hell it is you lot usually do for the first ten minutes of The X Factor’s (really well filmed and quite beautiful actually) audience tracking shots. There's a lot of heartache to sift through in case you hadn?t bothered to notice. ITV1’s make up department have even bronzed Dermot’s facial expressions to the effect of Mona Lisa’s subtlety.
Gary was?immediately?launched into the heartbreaking challenge of picking four boys with awful tastes in beachwear out of eight boys with really awful tastes in beachwear to be on television for a vast period of time. Yeah, not so funny now – is it?
First up, Gary settled down with Luke Lucas/Duke Nukem/whatever his name is. That's not important right now, as that may detract from our feelings. As you may remember (Remember? Burnt into the edifices of our souls more like) Luke had a hard time in his audition on Saturday?s show, but ONLY because he decided to sing all the words of his song in a really awful sounding way ? which SOUNDS silly but was probably for a very good reason that you totally had to be there to understand. You know, like when Cheryl Cole tries to downplay her burgeoning throbbing gristly talent to try and make everybody feel a bit better about themselves. Or how Enrique Iglesias does the same thing too, but it's funnier.
?You're shit, and you have the combined average of all of the Bash Street Kids? faces.? Gary tells Luke, which we think is an incredibly mean thing to say.
Gary then has a chat with Craig Colton via the medium of cross fades, because montages are so very August 2011. we're not sure which tousle-haired scamp with mild weight issues we love more, and the fact that against all odds, ITV1 have spliced their results TOGETHER is just terrifically bad luck and definitely not us trying to dredge up the world's second most accurate conspiracy theory.
As it came to pass, the one that sang terribly did not make it through and the one called Craig does. So does some other bloke we've never seen before. But sod THAT, what does the bloke we've never seen before?s mum have to say about all this? Aw, you hear that ? she's dead proud of him. But come on, if we're being honest ? who ISN?T proud of him right now?
The Last Three Babyshambles fans in the United Kingdom were next to hear their fate determined by Gary Barlow (we invested a LOT of oxygen into that sentence) and as you can imagine, the tension was unbearable. You could literally only hear the sound of 8 shit-tons of Rosary beads drop as Gary delivered the final verdicts. The one who plays the guitar and loves music SO MUCH he virtually dropped his required education so he could rush home and play the guitar. Actual swoon. We bet he sings about his F – grades actually in F Minor.
Joe Cox begrudgingly admitted to us that he?had not slept for literally one minute thanks to having been so nervous the night before.?Maybe all those acres of rich layers of Egyptian cotton in their five star hotels gave him a particularly nasty bed sore. That?d be a shame. Joe Cox reveals that with just ONE WORD his life could be completely changed. That's pretty heavy. We don't even know where we?d begin, so we're staying well clear of that one.
He doesn't get through. A man in a bad hat does though. Apparently not only is he at risk to be put through, but ALSO a gamble, like that time Gary had some crisps even though he thought Salt AND vinegar in the same product was a bit excessive.
Frankie Cocozza AKA Winston Churchill gave a long, heart rendering speech about how it?d be really terrible if ITV1 don't let him be famous for a bit because he's pretty much knobbed over the rest of his life. Whilst he ponders this, John Wilding discusses his worries too, which are ultimately dismissed due to his fringe being the exact same shape as his neck. After suffering the cruel hand of rejection from Dannii Minogue (us neither) the year before, John whistfully concedes that no matter what happens this will be the last time he comes on The X Factor. Mm. This technically means if he got through, he has to respectfully decline Gary?s offer and go home anyway, so that’s a bit weird, isn’t it?
?The truth is John, some of the boys who aren't as good singers touch me more.? Gary reasons, which is fair enough. Based on that piece of information, naturally Frankie goes sailing through to the live finals instead which is just fantastic and?really great news.
Did someone order some ascending Chasing Cars intros? As we then practically gave up on our lungs until we found out the destiny of THE GROUPS. WHO WILL IT BE? THE TWO SHOES OR THE ESTRELLES? NU VIBE OR DKOSJKDIJOJDOSDJSD? Fucked, if we know. Too late. Here come the Nazi soldiers. Here come the sympathetic cast of This Morning. Sorry ?The Estrelles?, we are never going to see you on the Alan Titchmarsh Show/St Trinian?s 3/withchild with sperm cells of Liverpool FC unless we wish really REALLY hard. We will.
Tulisa does the ?I'm really sorry, but you're definitely going through to the live finals except not really because you didn't make it into the live finals but it's a good thing I'm just being lovably coy because you actually did make into the live finals, but not really? thing for every single act, so sod knows who got through there anyway.
The ITV sound editors flit mercilessly through 2004 Radio 1 Big Weekend headliners and The Aerobics Working 2010 Megamix to try and keep up with the tone. Dermot?s levels of sympathety via exhales and sopleasedforyoubuddy inhales overflow to the point the poor guy just gives up and spits all over everybody.
This leads us nicely to visiting Louis and the Mentals. Johnny Robinson (Written by Alan Bennett) profoundly says that ?he is a nobody but it would be nice to be a somebody? which is a lovely sentiment for a man who doesn't appear to own any of his own bone marrow. Louis lies to Johnny that ?the competition isn't about just personality, it's about music.? The entire staff of ITV1 and Bob Dylan collectively shrug. Johnny makes it through because he sounds like trying to listen to Etta James via a Frappuccino machine. Music conquers personality once again.
Another one of Louis ?worries? is that Kitty Brucknell is too much of a ?diva? to put through to an ITV1 Saturday Night Entertainment Programme, which has truly never been the same since we saw Whitney Houston bow-legged on the floor trying to fix her fragmented bra clasps. That's exactly what we DO NOT want to see on television. Feral prostitutes with?Munchhausen?Syndrome. The only strap-ons WE want to see on a Saturday night are those attached to acoustic guitars, thank you very much. Is Jools Holland back on yet?
This leaves the quest for the next face of post-hardcore sludge metal, or whatever the hell the X Factor means – in the more than capable hands of Kelly Rowland. Who the bloody hell will get through this time? God, it matters so much.
Misha tells Kelly that ?nerves and Jennifer Hudson? stopped her from performing to the best of her capabilities. Fair play, Misha. That's the exact same line we use when we're having a couple of ?difficulties? ourself. Bloody nerves, and bloody Jennifer Hudson. The doctors say it happens to the best of us though, which gives us some comfort.
Misha gets through, as do some other crying women.?God, just what Saturday Night TV needs. More mental, human beings with more wombs than brains that you can shake a… something to do with vaginas, RIGHT Louis? Who the hell?s going to sing ?If You Don't Know Me By Now? in a nonchalant manner now? That's the next twelve weeks of our lives ruined, with bloody oestrogen?again.
SO THAT?S BASICALLY IT. OKAY? The next twelve weeks of your life will be dominated by the following people. Here?s a quick run down complete with some bitchy comments about how they all look stupid with their new makeovers.
THE GROUPS!
The Risk ? Hey guys, our sandwiches called. They want their tin foil protective layers back. Yeah, we know sandwiches can't call people usually. We personified them for comic effect.
2 Shoes – We have no beef with 2 Shoes. No metaphorical beef anyway. We’d gladly eat beef and crack with them whenever they had a window.
Rhythmix – You know what women need more of? Hair and spikes.
Nu Vibe – Congratulations, you can wear jackets. That’s not going to get you on a pack of novelty condoms in three years time though, is it? Unless it does.
THE CERTIFIABLY MEDICALLY CONDITIONED MENTALS!
Johnny Robinson – Who needs kidneys when you can have a TK Maxx tuxedo jacket.
Jonjo Boring Soldier – HE LOOKS LIKE A GIANT STICK OF BORING
Sami Brookes – She looks really nice.
Kitty Brucknell – If it wasn’t for all the diseases, we would definitely have a LOOK up there, just to see.
THE GIRLS!
Janet Devlin – Christ sake.
Sophie Habibis – Looks like something we could order as part of our Sunday Lunch meal deal from Wetherspoons. In a fit way, obviously.
Amelia Lily – Looks slightly less cocaine-y.
Micha Bryan – So poor she has to dress herself in various flora and fungi. GIVE THE POOR WOMAN A FUCKING CROUTON OR SOMETHING.
THE BOYS!
Craig Colton – *Tries to press the Escape button multiple times*
Marcus Collins – WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?
James Michael -?Sgt?Pepper’s Lonely Arse Dud Man
Frankie Cocozza – More availability to this little boy’s nipples is definitely what we had been gunning for.
Next week is the live shows, and there’s a BIG TWIST! So stock up on antiseptic wipes now, rather than later.
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