Remember that.
That might come in handy later. Or every single broadcasted moment of The X Factor for the past week. Well, not quite but it’s better safe than sorry.
Yeah, well we didn't really want to be ?that guy?,?but The X Factor has been an bit of an absolute odious hodgepodge of horse sputum this week, hasn't it? First and foremost we were lumbered with the responsibility of knowing that Frankie Cocozza was kicked off the show for breaking ?the golden rule of X Factor?, which is something unspecified to do with sex/drugs/the producers realising that Frankie?s incredibly annoying personality traits never progressed to the desired point where an audience would love to hate him, and simply just tapered off to being mildly dicked off about him for a few good minutes instead.
Like an unpleasant bout of German measles, rather than say, CancerAids.
As X Factor producers rightly know, they can do plenty better than that, so off with Frankie, and in with an entirely irritating decision to bring back four of the contestants who they knocked back on the first show instead. That’s Jonjo Kerr, Amelia Lily, James Michael or Two Shoes (No? Us neither).
Ooh, them X Factors don't half rile us up. WE HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE BREAK THE RULES IN GAMES.
Now, maybe we've been reading too much Agatha Christie here, (or maybe we've never read an Agatha Christie book ever because that would cut into our often reckless and tawdry lifestyles) but HMM and MMM.? Quite convenient in a way that an X Factor contestant just happened to be a mental stupid idiot and get kicked off the show, and also pretty handy that The X Factor just happened to have four ?spares? that they rifled off in Show 1, isn't it?
Mmm. Pretty interesting. Mmm. They don't fool us. Mmm. Panorama.
Wait a moment, our allegorical phone is ringing. Hello? Stephen Moffatt? You want us to be in your next series of Sherlock? That's very nice of you Stephen Moffatt, unfortunately we're not professional actors and that would be tremendously poor casting, but can we talk about how you ballsed up Doctor Who with gaping, irresponsible plot holes if you like. Hello? STEPHEN? HELLO?
Sorry, all this idle, immature speculation and all you wanted to do was read about the X Factor. Sorry.
The first fifteen minutes of The X Factor were awash with technical difficulties to which the?Exasperated?ITV1 Apologetic Voiceover Man had to apologise for countless times, as if it genuinely mattered. Nonetheless, he was so god-awful sorry about it and was literally sobbing all over a hastily spliced together XF audition montage of Janet Devlin, The Boston?Molasses?Disaster of 1919, and you know, the other greatest moments of The X Factor.
This week was Gaga vs Queen week. Which sounds terrible. But we're only saying that because it does sound genuinely awful. Kelly Rowland totally wore a tuxedo which resulted in us wanting to ram a foreskin up against her furiously, in the sort of affectionate way that the Felix cat does. ?Hopefully that message will get passed on.
But before we labour under the misapprehension that Amelia Lily has definitely not already been chosen since the end of the antediluvian era to come back to X Factor, (don't try and teach your children that, we were using comedy hyperbole) we are shown the good good times of the four new contenders who get to skip 6 weeks into the live finals and it's no biggy at all.
Unlike in 2007 when it was punishable by death penalty, such as when Diana Vickers took a week off from performing on the X Factor and was nationally ridiculed by the masses for being a massive skiving cheat and was dragged through the streets, tied to the back of a cart.
Or for you more authentic losers out there, take 2001, Pop Idol Series 1, where Rik Waller was turfed off the show for not bothering to turn up for one of the weeks. So in a way, we've all matured somewhat ? and that is called character building.
So, who are these fab four that we, the public- the powerful, all unanimous, made up of 15 year old girls public- have to pick? Not Amelia Lily, that's for sure.
AMELIA LILY!
Amelia has an old dad who used to sing like Paul Weller with hair like Paul Weller but strangely enough never made it, so she caked her face full of volcanic ash and Barry M lipliner and went on the telly instead, like any good daughter would who hasn’t partaken in human traficking. Everyone thought she was well good considering she was 900 years old/16 years old.
TWO SHOES!
Two Shoes are like Beyonce but actually pregnant. Also known as: AMAZING. Also, they don't use suffixes at all, and say things like ?totz emosh? which means ?totally emotional? in gaelic.
JAMES MICHAEL!
James Michael has a boring first name and last name, but don't let that make you think he's boring or anything, when in actual fact we?ll have you know he's actually gut wrenchingly offensively the worst person we've ever seen. Not only does he wear a hat AND is ?submissive’, with eyes, face, and a perfectly fully working respitory system, but ON TOP OF ALL THAT – he sang the worst cover version of Ticket to Ride since The Darkness did that song ?One Way Ticket to Hell and Back?, which okay, admittedly was a completely different song, but had the word ticket in, and is The Darkness, so in hindsight?fair enough.
JONJO KERR!
Jesus.?Obviously all that palaver went on for a nice round 300 hours, and the show didn't set off running til around THE FUTURE O? CLOCK, or something along those lines. We exaggerate.
First up to perform was Kitty Brucknell, who unfortunately has been the product of bullying this week. Now, we don't want to get into the whole ?thing?, but basically that absolute slagwhore Trivial-Pursuit-Family-Edition-disgrace-of-a-bitch Misha B has been herself, and like the momentous bitch that she is and STOLEN through sheer force the Lady Gaga song that Kitty kinda wanted to sing this week. Absolutely disgraceful. Not, like, Nu Vibe being voted off the X Factor disgraceful, we mean, like, SARS disgraceful. Like, Steps Reunion Tour Disgraceful. The big leagues. Thankfully, exasperated ITV1 Apologetic Voiceover Man apologises on Misha?s behalf.
Instead, Kitty was pinned to the floor by the X Factor producers and forced at knife point to sing ‘Don't Stop Me Now’ by Queen instead. She came dressed for the occasion with the usual large metal clamps they've taken to fusing to the sides of her head to keep all the crazy in. But despite all the upset and chaos the week brought, we still thought Kitty was BrianMayBlogPost-mazing. The judges didn't agree with us, but probably just because we're immensely talented and they are tragically brain damaged. Kelly gives some pretty constructive criticism about leather horses though, so there is that.
Craig Colton said before the start of his really boring version of Paparazzi.
?I want to be unique and have my own sound.?
Nothing like Gary Barlow to pop on over and introduce some much needed falsetto tutorials into the performance to jazz up? a performance though. ?Phew!? as some sort of wacky maverick of pop culture like Daffy Duck or Berlusconi might say.
THANKFULLY, Craig did another song in the E B C# A- chord progression, which really is becoming ?his thing?.
We love it.
Apparently Craig is straight as well, singing ?Girl? instead of ?Boy is mine? despite appaz being openly being out. Huh. If only Dannii Minogue was here to point out in a passive-aggressive way. That was the same week it all came out that she was a paedophile too, but we still massively respect her judgement. Craig sang the song fine, but that's not our issue. Our issue is moreso – Why does Craig sing constantly with candles??Because it’s bath night? But it's not bath night anymore Craig. It's the X Factor now, where you have to be straight, and have showers. With women.
Lol. Middle England.
This week, Little Mix gave a shit about The Risk leaving the competition. You know, like it was a massive shock. Like The Houses of Parliament wrote a thing about it and put it on a thing.
Little Mix sang ALL the Lady Gaga songs, but Misha was still the bitch for singing the one Kitty wanted. It's pretty good actually, you know, for the X Factor. Not for the real world, or anything mind. If we had to pick between Janis Joplin or a polystyrene clad polystyrene shaped woman singing Telephone, we?d obviously, obviously… *mumbles incoherently*
Kelly then said something awesome in a suit, but we don't listen because she's wearing a suit. Like a vampire. Vampires are sexy, aren't they, children? Periods are SEXY. And for more info on becoming women for the first time, Google Vampire Cunt to learn more about puberty and the pressures of growing up.
In a scene akin to when the Elephant Man cried with confusion when the blind woman touched his face, Little Mix were asked if they wanted some sort of musical individuality by Dermott O Leary. They were fine, thanks.
After a quick consultation with Greek Goddess of Awesome Kelly Rowland, it was ?Janet Devlin, do you want to take massive steps backwards before we accidentally attempt to make you interesting? Yeah sure, that should be fine. Here?s some hemp. This week, Janet sang ??Somebody to Love? accompanied by John Lewis. That's a joke about how twee and boring they've made another song that doesn't usually sound like this. Still, to be fair to Janet, and we really want to try and get past our own anxieties here ? our honest opinion of the performance is basically that it was boring as shit and we want to kill ourselves. So, there is that. Tulisa says that being one dimensional is great, and that she has to be in the sort of mood to listen to music that is not ballsed up hiphop ie: never. Dermot tries to argue with the judges for not all saying nice things all the time. Thankfully, Exasperated ITV1 Apologetic Man apologises for Janet?s performance.
Contemporary yet vintage at the same time is the sort of thing Marcus Collins likes to do now, apparently. We’re sure you’ve heard all about it. It’s a bit like the future, except the past instead. Marcus sang ‘Another One Bites The Dust’, but with the aforementioned contemporary yet vintage twist we were going on about before. We can almost hear Mark Ronson smashing up his brass instrument collection. Weird how these specific events correlate.
Tulisa still upset that this is not RnB either. Gary informed us that we're in the presence of a popstar, so we all hush and have a serious think about that. Louis Walsh uses the word ?charisma?, which means ?charismatic?, not ?gay?, just in case the repressed masses in the wake of Craig Colton’s lies were feeling a bit over-sensitive about that one.
SKY TV advert has stolen all of Billy Crystal?s jokes but never mind.
Dermott tells a lie about how the technical difficulties were technical difficulties and then goes on to tell us about how Lady Gaga is on the show tomorrow! HER. We have heard of her off the radio 1. And as Dermott rightfully says, ?She'll probably turn up in a bath or something crazy!? ? Because nothing is more crazy than a bath.
Misha said in her VT before singing Lady Gaga’s self penned ballad about the life and tribulations of Kitty Brucknell:
?This song touches a special place in Kitty Brucknell?s heart, so I fucking ripped it off.”
Oh, and she’s doing Manchester proud. Again. Not Why does everyone give a shit about if Misha is from Manchester or not? Do they really think people from Manchester vote for the X Factor? Do they really think people from Manchester have phones?
Louis post-Charlie Kaufman box set said:
?You remind me of Louis Walsh being a racist?
Kelly insincerely crossed her fingers even though everyone on Twitter knows Amelia Lily is through for about the last 40 minutes. ?It was literally like having my heart ripped out,? says Amelia. Wow, that would probably be really painful. Especially for a woman of her age. (80 years old.)
Amelia sings the totally unprepared The Show Must Go On WHICH IS PROBABLY AN OBLIQUE META REFERENCE TO THE WORLD OF X FACTOR ? but it also might not be. There are a lot of things a bit dodgy about the whole Amelia Lily thing, sure. The main thing being that 2 Shoes? didn't get to come back and that was proper proper batshit bollocks and RUBBISH too. But we?ll let it slide, because we listened to Patience to Take That once, so consequently have bigger problems. But nonetheless, Amelia Lily was so good at singing, that Vlad Rowling said ?Welcome freaking back.? So, now you know all about singing.
THE RESULTS
For the first time in the history of the Tudor dynasty, this review was written before the results were aired. But as if we were going to let a little thing like actual cast iron fact get in the way of talking about The X Factor. Basically, Jamie Lee Curtis and Lindsay Lohan play a mother and daughter who don’t particular get on very well, until a magical fortune cookie changed the way they would think about themselves forever, with hilarious capers and important lessons learnt along the way.
And Kitty got voted out.
Probably.