You know Jessica Simpson, right? She’s that blonde woman of no-fixed talent. She’s a thing that exists solely to provide erections to teenage boys, produce dribble in the arrestedly developed adults and occupy perfectly good shoes.
Well, she’s tired of being a nothing and is finding some self-worth inside her ovaries.
Yes! It’s the news we’ve all been waiting for! She is reportedly pregnant with her first child and, to celebrate, she’s eating a variety of harrowing snacks!
Somehow (we’re not sure of the ins-and-outs-and-back in-and-out-agains of it all) she’s got herself pregnant with some skid-mark called Eric Johnson who throws a ball for a living in some niche interest sport called ‘American Football’.
And the weird cravings… we need to know about those weird, weird cravings!
An insider told In Touch Weekly magazine:
“She’s already having kooky cravings, especially nacho chips dipped in chocolate, which satisfies her urge for salty and sweet. She’s also developed a taste for cheesy popcorn and non-alcoholic margaritas.”
Another insider suggests that she’s taking nachos, chocolate, cheese, popcorn AND non-alcoholic margaritas and putting them all in a blender with a tub of goose fat and drinking the whole thing down every ten minutes straight from the appliance, until she cries solid chunks of congealed food pellets.
Of course, we know she’s pregnant because she’s been seen out and about wearing loose-fitting clothing.
And that’s it.
She’s definitely pregnant though. Look into her eyes. She reeks of someone who has something growing inside her.
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