When will this dreadful ’80s revival piss-off? Seriously. Bad hi-tops, lurid florescent Ray Ban copies, androgynous synthpop, gym memberships, Soda Streams and bloody cabin boy shoes are rampant across the world. It’s like being stuck inside Simon Le Bon’s wardrobe with a gun and no bullets.
The best you can hope for is that you’ll bleed to death after beating yourself about the head.
But the fascination with all things ’80s and the unashamed greed it promoted continues apace… highlighted of course, by the re-emergence of Gordon Gekko in the latest Wall Street film, which has topped the box office charts.
1. Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps or Wall Street 2 if you prefer saw the 300-year-old Michael Douglas hauling his wrinkled genitals off his Welsh child-bride to bring us the sordid tale of finance in a film that looks like rolling CNN news. Oliver Stone is on hand to direct, which obviously means that there’ll be a load of cinematic trickery employed to try and paste over the cracks of a film full of holes. A well-timed though as everyone in the world hates bankers right now. $19,000,000
2. Oh look! It’s a stupid talking animals film! Yep, Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole Soren sees a young barn owl getting kidnapped by some other owls. Because that’s what owls do. These nasty, baddie owls kidnap orphaned owlets into brainwashed idiot soldiers. Then, the hippies intervene from Ga’Hoole or something and it becomes one of those irritating Wind in the Willows style scraps of The Noble against The Grotty. $16,335,000
3. The Town is, quite possibly, the most vague film title in history. It’s almost as beige as Tesco Value foundation. Yet, despite this, it’s been an immensely popular film which was written by, directed by, acted by, sung by, danced long with, smear tested by, tranquilised by, mimed along to and by and edited by Ben Affleck. Oh, isn’t he stupidly talented! $16,030,000
4. Oooh! She’s a slag! A proper, dirty… well… pretend slag! Or something. Ha. Ha. Ha. Easy A continues to be watched by people daft enough to go to the cinema amongst other people, also daft enough to want to sit in a dark room filled with the disgusting munching noises and people slobbering down each other’s neck on the back row. $10,700,000
5. You Again sees Marni (Kristen Bell) as the new Vice President of a large PR agency which means we’re supposed to hate her. She goes home for a wedding and discovers that someone she used to hate is about and yadda yadda yadda. Sigourney Weaver and Jamie Lee Curtis turn up to settle some scores too, all the while, the claws come out more frequently and everyone wonders why the bothered staying alive long enough to put up with other people. Here is a sum of money. $8,300,000