Unfathomably, there’s people out there still attending the cinema. You just can’t wait a couple of months to watch a film in the comfort of your own home, where there are less idiots and the chance to pause proceedings so you can urinate freely without hurry.
That said, film makers have got wise to this and started making everything in 3D so you have to go to the bloody picture houses.
Avatar gave us the chance to see blue people having sex with their ponytails and now, the latest smash, Jackass give you the chance to watching someone having a shit in three glorious dimensions!
Yes indeed. You disgusting excuses for humans have gone to the cinema in droves to watch a group of grown-ups vomiting ’til their rings quiver and indulge in a variety of stunts that quite frankly, would make a medieval court jester blush.
Still, it is nowhere near as depressing as the thought of watching a film based around Facebook which is essentially a lesson in watching geeks get laid and argue with each other about HTML.
Whatever. Here’s what the people of America have been watching complete with arbitrary sums of money tacked on the end.
1. Yessir! It’s a scatfest with Jackass 3-D. Johnny Knoxville, Steve-O and them others all get together to attach things to themselves and fall over LOADS like a skidmarked version of Total Wipeout all over the course of a couple of hours. To be honest, it’s barely a film if the narrative is purely sniggering at pratfalls. Still, who cares right? $50,000,000
2. Red is an action-comedy thing based on a limited issue comic book. The film stars a very old looking Bruce Willis and some other actors. Red is a rubbish name for a film isn’t it? Well, you’ll be glad to learn that it means ‘retired, extremely dangerous’. Probably includes guns. $22,500,000
3. Oh look! The Social Network is about Mark Zuckerberg and Facebook! And… uh… $63,119,000
4. So what is Secretariat about? Well, it’s a Disney film about the life of Secretariat, the 1973 race horse winner of the Triple Crown of Thoroughbred Racing. Can we assume that this horse talks like Mister Ed and can fly or something? Of course not, this is some achingly sentimental piece of fluff starring John Malkovich with his weird staring eyes. $27,517,000
5. Is Life as We Know It based on REO Speedwagon’s 12th LP? Is it bollocks. It’s a film that stars the utterly charmless Katherine Heigl in some odd-couple rubbish where two people hate each other and then probably end up quite liking each other. Involves a baby and a car-crash. $28,865,000