We should probably point out now that we haven’t seen the movie Paul Blart: Mall Cop yet. But if “Blart! BLAART!” isn’t a catchphrase in it, we’ll be mighty ticked off.
That’s right, despite its woeful critical reception, Paul Blart: Mall Cop is the number one movie at this week’s weekend box office. Incidentally, Slumdog Millionaire – the movie that did so gloriously at last week’s Golden Globes – only managed to scrape to 10th place.
So the message is perfectly clear – the feelgood movie of the year is literally a tenth as good as a film about a fat bloke falling off a Segway. We’re thrilled.
Prepare yourself for a rare moment of hecklerspray sincerity – Kevin James is our hero. We’re being serious here. Yes, King Of Queens was the worst kind of mediocre sitcom – and I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry was unwatchable tosh – but based on what we’ve seen of this week’s number one movie Paul Blart: Mall Cop, Kevin James deserves every single award going.
Really, we’re not joking. Watch the Paul Blart: Mall Cop trailer. The man is Buster Keaton. If there was an Oscar for Best Flinging Yourself Against An Impenetrable Glass Door, then Paul Blart: Mall Cop would be the new Citizen Kane. We wish there was an Oscar for that, by the way. We also wish we weren’t as drunk as we currently are, but life’s hard. Here’s this week’s US weekend box office top five:
1 – Paul Blart: Mall Cop (While we’re on this weird – and frankly worrying – pro Kevin James campaign, IMDb says that Kevin James doesn’t have any films in the pipeline, and that terrifies us. We want Kevin James to SUCCEED! We want Kevin James to BE OUR FRIEND! We are DRUNK!) $33,800,000
2 – Gran Torino (It’s genuinely upsetting that Gran Torino looks set to be Clint Eastwood‘s last film as an actor. Because, honestly, without Clyde The Orang-utan, latter-stage Clint Eastwood movies are like watching Ernie Wise after Eric Morecombe died. What we’re trying to say, we suppose, is this – Clint: more monkeys, please) $22,235,000
3 – My Bloody Valentine 3D (An incredible film – never before has Kevin Shields seemed so realistic.) $21,900,000
4 – Notorious (We’re glad that Notorious didn’t crack the weekend box office top three, because a movie that glamorises the rise of a violent, drug-dealing rapper isn’t very aspirational. We’d have much preferred a biopic about Holiday Rap stars MC Miker G and DJ Sven. That would have taught the kids something worth learning. Get on it, Hollywood) $21,500,000
5 – Hotel For Dogs (Why isn’t Hotel For Dogs the weekend box office’s number one movie? It’s a film about a hotel for dogs, for crying out loud. Perhaps it’s only number five in the weekend box office charts because it opened on a limited number of screens to build Oscar buzz. Yes, that’s definitely it) $17,707,000
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