If there’s proof that footballers will sell themselves out for any sort of product, we’ve found it.
Part-time granny-lover and occasional striker for Manchester United and England, Wayne Rooney, has put pen to paper on a new £150,000 deal. Fortunately for Wayne, he’s not being paid to stay away from the finest pensioners that various brothels up and down the country have to offer, he’s instead going to try and concentrate on tucking into a portion of bread.
We mean with his teeth. Not his winky. You perverts.
What bread and Wayne Rooney have in common is beyond us, but somebody at the Hovis bakery seems to think it will help their slumping sales.
Maybe they’ve forgotten about the ferocious CREDIT CRUNCH, meaning people are simply buying less? In fact, they would be better off just trying to get Wayne to spend £150,000 on bread. But then again, he probably wouldn’t know what to do with all that yeasty goodness.
Using all the experience garnered from our Badvertising feature, we’ve thought of a few ways that bread and Wayne Rooney could be connected:
1) He could explain to children that his brain resembles the mush left over after dipping Hovis’ finest in a soft-boiled egg 152 times. As a result, he decided to get the world’s stupidest tattoo.
2) It could be some sort of crap football advert to encourage kids to get fitter and not shove pie and chips down their gullet at all hours of the day. Using his croaky voice he’ll utter: “Hey children, if you want to get ahead in life then use your loaf like me Wayne Rooney!” Following that speech – which would probably take around 10 hours of filming to get right – he’ll head a loaf of bread past a small child and make them cry.
3) Maybe it’s a subtle education drive to encourage people to attend school: “If you don’t visit the classroom, you’ll end up in a bread factory with the morons like Wayne Rooney.” That tagline alone is enough to scare children more than the Bogeyman, the monster under the bed and Michael Jackson.
See, we should become advertising executives.
Unfortunately, it appears that Hovis aren’t going down the same line of thinking as us when it comes to using the human equivalent of Shrek to sell their sandwich-creation tool. A source told the Daily Mirror:
“They want to revert to the more classic commercials for the traditionalists. With Wayne being a national icon, they can return to the iconic Hovis style, while still appealing to the younger generation. The new advert will be in the spirit of the 1973 Hovis ad – voted Britain’s favourite TV commercial – of a boy pushing a bike laden with Hovis loaves up a steep hill.”
Um…unless we’re mistaken, we always thought that the original Hovis advert was filmed in Yorkshire. So why they want to transform the famous cobbled streets of Yorkshire into the potholed streets of Liverpool, where he’ll just get his bike stolen, is beyond even hecklerspray.
It’s a travesty, we tell you! Just like when Opal Fruits changed to Starburst. The loveable voice of a Yorkshireman is set to be replaced by the screechings of a Scouser. If he had an angelic voice, we wouldn’t mind.
But at the best of times, it’s hard to understand what he says, and it usually sounds like he’s going to break your kneecaps when you can hear him.
“If it ain’t from Yorkshire, it’s rubbish,” is a common utterance of local Yorkshire types. We presume this phrase will take on a new lease of life when the advert airs. If Wayne can get his lines right, that is.
Don’t hold your breath.