We’ve all had a very hard week haven’t we? Valentine Day is completely sorted (some chocolates, that 7p ASDA Valentine’s card and a quickie will do), our interest in Katy Wix and Anna Crilly, the two women who advertise Harvey’s during Coronation Street, has started waning and we’ve emotionally dealt with that, we’ve seen Madonna’s vagina more times this week than we’d like to admit, and we’ve fended off numerous LoveFilm ambushes on the High Street (they can’t ask us whether we like film if they have no tongues).
We should probably treat ourselves.
Well, the hecklerspray bedsit has your back, because as of today, we’re going to give you even more things to watch. And that’s not all either. We’re doing away with focusing on just the weekend, and instead peering our beady gaze over the ENTIRE WEEK. Hopefully this will stop you all from drinking heavily through the stress of not knowing what to watch on a Wednesday, and definitely do away with the worry of not having anything to talk about while you’re stood at the smoking hut. Samaritans staff more telephonists during Wednesdays because Eastenders isn’t on and no one talks about Midsomer Murders anymore.
So this is how it’s going to work everyone. We’ll pick you one thing each day, which is unequivocally the best thing on, and you’ll praise us for precisely seven days until the next thrilling instalment of WATCH THIS! is out. Got it? Good. Now let’s carry on before we realise that we’ve just made a suicide joke and that you laughed.
Saturday
The Jonathan Ross Show, ITV1, 9:15pm
Tom Hardy is a bonafide, almost A-list Hollywood star. He's starred opposite Christian Bale, Leonard di Caprio and Jeremy Piven in some of the biggest films of the recent few collection of months we called ?years.? So it seemed odd that he would have such a bad sense of humour to be embarrassed when Jonathan Ross plucked some pictures of him modelling on The Big Breakfast years and years ago and he's thrown a right twizzy fit.
Keira Knightley, Denzel Washington and Dione Warwick are also on tonight?s show, but it's all about the Hardy tonight. It's always nice when you see major film stars almost lose their rag over the slightest thing. It makes them look even more slightly human, and that's always a good thing. If we're fortunate Dione Warwick might sing ?Do You Know The Way To San Jose?, that would be like having Christmas, payday and a free Bank Holiday rolled into one.
Sunday
The Wedding Proposal, Channel 4, 9pm
Valentine?s Day is just round the corner. If it was any closer, it would be classed as ?imminent.? And Valentine?s Day is the cue for deluded people who think that they will truly die together to propose to their equally deluded girl/boy/animalfriends. This documentary, hastily shoved together to include all of the things that the internet is about; flashmobs and people feeling so cringeworthy that any more and they will implode in on themselves.
In this dire excuse for a documentary, we follow four people who are secretly planning extravagant and elaborate ways to pop the question, and make people who are perenially single watchers either cry themselves into their vodka martini, or bolster what small resolve they have in getting Justin Bieber to finally see their desperate tweets, and propel them one step closer to their Happily Ever After. Warning: Chris Brown will probably come round for Sunday dinner so you'd better make that dinner the best that Nigella could make. Otherwise it'll be puddings a-flying and you\’ll be cleaning gravy off the hearth for days after.
This week we will see some organise a flashmob in London?s Covent Garden and a proposal on the West End stage. Sounds utterly dreadful and not what being English is about.
Monday
Olympic Tickets For Sale, Channel 4, 8pm
Remember when Lord Seb Coe and Denise Lewis were urging us to get behind the bid to bring the Olympic Games to London, and telling us how beneficial it would be to the country; both financially and for the country?s morale? Or when it became apparent that, because the arenas were going to be in the very heart of London, it would mean that the sudden increase in people staying in the city would have a massively detrimental effect on the standard of public transport and crime? And then can you remember when it seemed like the Olympics are actually only just over 100 days away and there's nothing you can do about backing out now?
And remember when the actual opposite of what the announcers said occurred and the 1.8 million people who had applied for tickets got very annoyed because it turned out no one could get hold of any tickets because the systems used to buy them were shit, and that some people were buying them in bulk, to sell on again at an astronomical mark up and that was before all the dirty officials earmarked some for their own nefarious gain? Well, this documentary is set to make you feel even more annoyed as it looks at what actually happened when the tickets went on sale. Wonderful, right?
Tuesday
Death Unexplained: BBC1, 10:35pm
How awful is death, right? One minute, you're trundling along, minding your own business, maybe thinking about having noodles for tea. You've not had them for a while and you're meant to be on a diet. ‘Are noodles fattening?’ you think to yourself and before you get to put your question on Twitter and get a barrage of insipid responses you see smoke billowing from a nearby florist. What do you do? Stand and tweet about that instead? Of course not, you dive straight in to see if you can save some of the gardenias or chrysthanthemums. But what happens when you succumb to smoke inhalation? What takes place when you get wheeled into a morgue and start getting prodded and poked by sharp instruments?
Not for the faint hearted, there's full frontal dead bodies literally all over the place, but it is a bleak and unromantic view of death that you might not have thought you wanted to explore, but we're not being funny here, isn't the slightly morbid side of your touching himself in the pants thinking about it?
Wednesday
Roger and Val Have Just Got In, BBC2, 10pm
If you missed the first series of this gentle, at times bewildering-why-its-funny comedy, then consider this a healthy reprieve on why you shouldn?t bother. Unfunny, and at times, like watching white paint dry on a white wall, you\’ll soon wonder why you bothered. We can only manage a record 17 minutes before something shiny distracted us. It's a shame really because we like Dawn French, and have admittedly ambivalent feelings for Alfred Molino, and want her to succeed a-plenty, but this really isn't cutting the mustard.
Perhaps it's too gentle and not forceful enough to stand it's own against other comedies that are kicking around like Noel Fielding?s Luxury Comedy, or the cavalcade of Friends Comedy Central now has the monopoly on, but whatever reason, it falls just short of the mark. Maybe if they added a tap dancing monkey with a quick quipping wife. Or the neighbours from ?Keeping Up Appearances.? The way she couldn't hold a cup of coffee because Patricia Routledge was such a feminist lesbian was hilarious. Thats definitely what they should do. Is Dawn French on Twitter? Someone should tell her about our idea.
Thursday
A Dad Is Born – A Wonderland Film, BBC2, 9pm
If you're fortunate enough not have your life burdened by the pitter patter of tiny, grubby, germ ridden feet, then give yourself a giant massive pat on the back. If you have decided that abortions aren't for you, then get your Kleenex (or other brands that aren't used extensively in the hecklerspray bedsit) ready because although One Born Every Minute has as many scenes staring into the depths of very womanhood crammed into one hour as possible, this film focuses on the understated role of the father.
Three men, Greg, Viktor and Jamie are approaching the final stages of their partner?s pregnancies and we will follow them as they deal with the essential early bonding stages, as well as dirty nappies, sick babies and the worst thing facing new parents; worrying whether that child will grow up to be worse than Piers Morgan. Imagine how regretful Piers Morgan?s parents are they didn't take the option of an abortion.
Hunky men holding a baby and probably crying. That should ease the sting of no one wanting to give you a poke on Valentine?s Day shouldn?t it?
Friday
The Mad Bad Ad Show, Channel 4, 10pm
We could say that it's nice to have a show that uses Micky Flanagan to his hilarious best, except this isn't. We would also like to say that seeing Mark Watson on a show that doesn't want to sell us cider is nice, except its not. We could also say that having a panel show that finally harnesses the hilarious power of adverts we all hate is long overdue. Except we've already done it: have you seen Badvertising, incidentally? It's very funny and should definitely be televised.
Apparently the panellists will be joined by celebrity guests and industry insiders which lift the lid on classic adverts from years past and funny ones from abroad, some of which might even have nudity in them. You know what those foreigners are like, it's all boobs and Brazilian thongs with that lot. Tonight?s mirth contribution comes from Lorraine Kelly and Josh Widdicombe. To be honest, we don't know why we're putting the effort in watching because they've clearly not put the effort in making it.
So we've looked over 168 hours of programming just for you. Just for you. Don't say that we don't look after you, because we don't, and the least you could do is write some lovely words under here. We?ll know if you don't.