It is – as you’re probably sick of being told – Awards Season. It’s the time when all the serious, worthy films are released. So guess what film has topped the US weekend box office chart this week?
Why, a film about a sexy lady vampire kicking things until they explode, that’s what! Take that, Brokeback Mountain! Eat this, Munich! Stick your Syriana up your arse, Clooney! Underworld: Evolution is top of the US weekend box office!
Proving that sensitive films about the confusion of homosexuals in a suspicious and unforgivingly macho world stand no hope against watching Kate Beckinsdale leaping around in an obscenely tight rubber catsuit firing bullets into werewolves’ brains, Underworld: Evolution is at the top of the US weekend box office chart. It’s thought that roughly 0.00000000001% of Underworld: Evolution‘s box office gross was made up by non-male non-geeks. Here’s the US weekend box office top ten…
1 – Underworld: Evolution (Scientists have proved that Underworld:
Evolution is literally the most concentrated boy’s film in history. The
only way to out boy-film it would be to make a film about lesbian
tank-driving robot ninja monkey dinosaurs who explode blood and tits
everywhere for two hours) $27,600,000
2 – Hoodwinked (It’s good that the actors who made Brokeback
Mountain have quickly followed up that movie with other high-quality
projects. Jake Gyllenhaal has Jarhead, Heath Ledger has Casanova and
Anne Hathaway has this shonky cartoon about Little Red freaking Riding
Hood) $11,078,000
3 – Glory Road (If there’s one thing we hate, it’s
inspirational American sports films. And Glory Road is that film. However, there’s plenty
here for fans of being told over and over again that overcoming
obstacles and winning at throwing a ball around is a good thing) $9,135,000
4 – Last Holiday (Queen Latifah‘s finest hour since she had a tiny
walk-on cameo on an episode of Hanging With Mr Cooper in the
mid-nineties when we didn’t know who she was) $9,100,000
5 – Brokeback Mountain (We were previously aware that the Brokeback
part of Brokeback Mountain sounds a bit rude, but now we’ve just realised
that Mountain sounds a bit like ‘mounting’ too. That Ang Lee, what a
mucky bugger, eh?) $7,832,000
6 – Fun With Dick And Jane (The sole reason, as far as we’re aware,
that Jim Carrey made Fun With Dick And Jane was because his family was
quite poor. This sure is a weird way of punishing the world) $6,100,000
7 – The Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch And The Wardbrobe
(The success of The Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch And The
Wardbrobe means that the rest of CS Lewis‘ Narnia books are bound to
get made into films. You know the books – the ones that nobody really
liked that much) $6,067,000
8 – End Of The Spear (IMDB says "if you love Last Of The
Mohicans, you’ll love this," so at least we know to give it a wide
berth) $4,712,000
9 – Hostel (Hopefully this disturbingly graphic torture movie will be out in England in time for Valentine’s Day) $4,300,000
10 – The New World (Colin Farrell recovers from the gaffe of saying
"The battery’s dead… so’s my fucking cock," on his sex tape by having
some lettuce rubbed in his face in this new movie) $4,250,000
[story by Stuart Heritage]