Is there anything worse than people?
No, people are literally the worst things ever. In the olden days of TV, when everything was rosy and Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps was but a twinkle of a fart in the brain of a five-year-old, there were people called “writers”, who would sit down and put words into other people’s mouths. This was “scriptwriting” and involved planning a TV programme out in advance.
In the Current Economic Climate, luxuries other than cocaine are out of the reach of most TV networks.? Seriously, check out the credits of a proper TV show, and you’ll see loads of people who do jobs that you don’t really need. Art Direction? Post-production supervisor? Rigging gaffer? Pah to all of them.
In fact, you only need two people to create quality television:? One to hold the camera, and one to provide voiceovers afterwards. Because it’s really, really easy to grab a camera and follow people around. Try it. I do it all the time.
Booze Britain is yet another documentary poorly pretending to be about something it isn’t. You know how Bodyshock: 500 Stone Mum and The World’s Hairiest Babies are really about pointing at the freaks, or those shocking expos?s of lap-dancing clubs on Channel 5 are a cunning excuse to show tits. The programme claims to be about the dangers of binge drinking, illustrated by showing a group of people going out on the piss and having a good time.
We do get to see members of the ambulance service dealing with drunken teenagers that have had a mouthful of pissy lager and now can’t stand up. Then off to see an aggressive, confused numpty that’s mouthed off to the wrong person and been smacked in the eye. Remember: If you’re already a gobshite, booze will make you 100 times worse. But these bits are really all about looking at the blood, sick and falling-downness that we’ve all tried.
Faintly Disgusted Voiceover Guy offers an ironic commentary, strongly pointing out that the youngsters have drunk three times the weekly recommended allowance in just 20 minutes, while one of them pretends to have sex with a skip. It’s hardly ambiguous about the idea that the medical advice is bollocks, so go on – have another pint, what’s the worst that can happen?
The worst that can happen, apart from boring stuff like alcohol poisoning, getting seven bells kicked out of you by a bored bouncer or wandering aimlessly in front of a bus, is that you turn into a massive bullshitting twat, full of idiot bravado.
The invisible person behind the camera asks one of two questions to the goons wandering the streets of our towns in the middle of the night: Why are you out drinking in [your town here], and how much have you drunk tonight? There’s only one answer to the first: “To get pissed and pull some birds. Wahey!!” The second is answered based on a simple formula:
Take the number of drinks you’ve actually had, multiply it by three, add a little bit on and then shout it out while hanging onto your mate.
“I’ve had… 9 pints, three Jack Daniels, half a bottle of wine, loads of shots and three treble vodkas”
By the end of the night, the cheerful bunch will have aruged with each other, sabotaged each others’ attempts at pulling the birds (Wahey!) and if they’re a sports team, will have done something incredibly homoerotic, but not in a gay way. Birds, remember? Wahey!
I bloody love Booze Britain, as it serves as a reminder of what we were all like – only nowhere near as bad – when we were young. And it’s a great advert for avoiding town centres and staying at home. Er, watching Booze Britain.
This was a guest blog by Nik Johnson from Shouting At Cows. He is rad to the power of sick.
You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!