5 TV Fan Fiction Crossovers That Shouldn’t Exist

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Saying that something you find on the internet is particularly insane is like saying that the water you’re drinking is particularly wet. Thus, in order to discover things that consistently beat down the walls of human logic, we’re forced to look deeper.

We’re forced to inspect every crevice of cyberspace and hope that our own echoes are screaming obscenities back at us.

Or, we could just read fan fiction TV crossovers, which, behind the show Animal Hoarders, is the number two export of crazy in the world.

Doctor Who/The Big Bang Theory: “The Doctor & Sheldon Cooper”

On fanfiction.net, there are 6, 061 pieces of Doctor Who fan fiction. That means, in more than six thousand cases, someone has loved Doctor Who enough to ruin it. But if you’re feeling especially malicious, you’ll want to share your misery with another helpless show. In this instance, the show is The Big Bang Theory, a series about a blond girl and some nerds who eat Chinese food and complain to each other.

Have you ever heard the term “BAZINGA”? Multiply the number of times you’ve heard that word by one, and you’ll suddenly have an exact mathematical equation for the next time your psychologist asks you if you’ve ever considered suicide. It’s a term that’s turned the character of Sheldon Cooper into a household name. If you’re unaware of what a “Sheldon Cooper” is, then just imagine the normal thing that you’d say in any conversation and then say the exact opposite of that. Boom. That’s his personality in a nutshell.

The Bazinga! logo from the show The Big Bang Theory.

Great. Bazinga.

The author says that this idea came to them randomly one day, which, ironically, is the basis of all terrible humor on the internet. I was in theatre in high school, and due to the amount of hilarious random humor that went on, “The Most Dangerous Game” became my “Catcher in the Rye.” Of course imagining the absurd results of a Time Doctor meeting Sheldon Cooper would have to be done at random. If it was a plan that took time and effort, the author would have been institutionalized by now.

The story is based around Sheldon Cooper finding a TARDIS and the titular Doctor and then, rather than concocting some sort of plot between the two, the author has Sheldon question the Doctor about the actual show. We’re in some sort of alternate universe where Doctor Who is still fake, but The Big Bang Theory is all too real. Sheldon asks questions about plot points and character relationships, because the best way to speculate about a show you like is to place yourself in the shoes of a fictional man with Asperger’s Syndrome from an entirely different show, and resolve absolutely nothing.

Harry Potter/Smallville: Death Comes To Smallville (Literally!) Scenes

There’s no better way to heighten the impact of a title than to add on something unnecessary to prove that you’re not fucking around. It was for similar reasons that Jurassic Park wasn’t titled Jurassic Park (A Few Are From The Cretaceous!) and The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King stopped just short of being The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (For Sure!)

There’s no real way to describe Smallville except as a biological experiment in the human response to waiting. The hypothesis? If you tease something enough, people will wait for goddamn anything, especially if that anything is a monosyllabic football player who might one day wear tights. Smallville was ten seasons of waiting, concluded by ninety seconds of coy, veiled, poorly CGI’d release. You can emulate this by asking your wife if she wants a baby, having sex with her, and then pulling out to finish into a trash can.

This piece is just scenes of what might be a full story later on, and the jumbled mess is apparently supposed to hype me on the supposed plot of Harry Potter torturing characters in the Smallville universe. I don’t know why Harry is being such an asshole, but, since he’s hurting creations that didn’t progress over the course of an entire decade’s worth of episodes, I can sort of see the reasoning behind it.

Tom Welling in the Superman suit.

I’ll save you ten seasons and just let you know that this is what you got at the end.

Buffy: The Vampire Slayer/Perfect Strangers: “Hug A GI Day”

The two shows that a person chooses to put into their crossovers are a good indication of their interests. For example, if a person chose to combine Law & Order SVU with iCarly, their interests would fall somewhere under “Murder” and “Poor Decisions.”However, with two things as different as the adventures of a hot, teenaged, vampire killer and the antics of a foreign man learning about Chicago through mishaps, the interests aren’t so clear. In this case, all I can define them as is “Eclectic” and Perfect Strangers.

I’m not quite sure what’s going on in this. The author prefaces it by telling me where exactly the story lies in both show’s chronologies, but it really doesn’t matter when the plot centers on Buffy and her boyfriend meeting Balki and Larry in an airport. Balki just wants to give hugs and doesn’t understand why two characters would make out. That’s the extent of the events that take place in “Hug A GI Day.” After it’s over, the author says that there were so many Balki/Larry things that she wanted to put in, but she settled on the best ones. I’m not a Perfect Strangers expert, but if these are the best things, then better luck next time.

The cast of Buffy: The Vampire Slayer

I chose Buffy, since I’m not exactly sure how many people Google “Perfect Strangers” every day.

Mortal Kombat/Fresh Prince of Bel Air: “Mortal Kombat Extraordinaire”

As a writer, I’m constantly waiting for the internet to present me with little gifts that make it all worth it. As soon as I saw the words “Mortal Kombat” beside “Fresh Prince of Bel Air”, I knew that I was about to encounter something special. Was Sub Zero going to tear out Will Smith’s spine? I didn’t know for sure. Regardless, it was going to be beautiful.

And then I saw that it was parody lyrics for the Fresh Prince theme song about playing Mortal Kombat and I nearly wept.

In this story, the narrator talks about spending time with her friends in anime club and getting into a particularly brutal dance off with some DDR nerds. This encounter is earth shattering enough that the author’s mother feared for her daughter’s well being and came up with a better path than to have her daughter river dance to J-Pop. She was going to train her to be a master at Mortal Kombat.

The mother from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air opening.

Left-right-B throws the spear! Finish him!

Up until this point, the laws of reality have been pressed but not broken. However, as soon as the mother is the one to kick her daughter’s ass at video games and train her in the art of Finishing Him, you start to lose all sense of fact and fiction. I’m not saying that it’s impossible that a mother would pull a daughter away from her friends to compete in a bloody fighting game, but if you’d be better off asking my own mother how many different metal parts it takes to make someone a true Robocop than how to do a good Johnny Cage combo.

About halfway through the song, the narrator seems to get bored and switches the focus from Mortal Kombat to nothing in particular. She wants to be a famous YouTube personality and then goes to a convention. There might be more to this, but it seems to end with the author showing up to some convention and viewing it as her kingdom. In a story about quitting anime club to play video games with your Mom, this doesn’t make a lot of sense. But then again, dropping your entire life to be a Mortal Kombat Extraordinaire is too lofty and transcendent of a goal for me to understand.

Hannah Montana/Digimon: “Hannah’s Digimon VMon

I never became emotionally invested in the contraception commercial that was Hannah Montana and a “VMon” sounds like something you’d get when you don’t use a condom, so I’m completely out of my league when judging this piece based on the shows it originated from. All I know is that, based on the title, these two things don’t belong together. And not in a square peg through a circle hole kind of way, but in a “Once I attach the alligator’s head to the bear’s writhing body, my gym teacher is gonna be sorry!” fashion.

I don’t understand the fan fiction’s author’s need to tell readers that the characters don’t belong to them. I never assumed that every time Han decided that Lando needed spooning on a cold, Bespin night were just the things that George Lucas imagines on a rainy day. If you’re required to by law, then I’m sorry for my ignorance, but it seems that a site like fanfiction.net is pretty self-explanatory in its own title. I’ve never once read anything on the site and thought Oh, Joss Whedon. Is that you?

The story starts with Hannah Montana receiving her Digimon and taking part in a discussion about what it’s like to be famous. Usually stories start with a hook, but the author here skips to the boring, nearly unreadable part of the narrative that shouldn’t exist anyway. As the story progresses, they eventually meet up with more people who own Digimon and then a fight occurs. I’m not one-hundred percent certain on all the details of this, since the author writes combat like they’re trying to explain verbally what tearing a dictionary in half looks like.

The best part is the ending, which is about as much of a joke as the writer of a Hannah Montana/Digimon crossover story can muster. Apparently, and I know this seems crazy, (but all too real), V-Mon goes with Miley everywhere, except, and get this, to the bathroom! Oh, thank God! The climax was going to be hard to top, but I can at least take solace in knowing that monsters aren’t watching a young pop star take shits.

Pop star Miley Cyrus.

“A Digimon egg? LOL! How. Cool!”

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