Tulisa Doesn’t Like Kissing Girls, So Don’t Get Any Ideas You Lesbians

If it wasn’t for this year’s limp X-Factor judging panel lineup, then nobody would have a chuffing clue who Tulisa was. The nation are still mourning the loss of everyone’s number one toilet attendant batterer, Cheryl Cole. She had been doing a fine job at crying at any opportunity, but times are always-a-changing.

This year saw a shed load of changes that were designed to keep us frothing at the mouth until the excitement of X-factor blew our heads clean off our shoulders. Alongside Cheryl, Simon and Dannii had been told to sod off, leaving Louis Walsh left to remind viewers of where acts hailed from. Konnie Huq had been given the chop from the spin off show, despite being married to Charlie Brooker, who everyone is legally obliged to like.

We’re quite a way into the show now and we still don’t really know much about Tulisa. Granted, she’s in comedy act N-Dubz but that’s about it. In a vague attempt to make us all believe that Frankie Cocozza isn’t the only one having all the sex out of everyone on the programme, Tulisa was asked some probing questions herself. The response? Not exactly ghetto.

Because humans are a terrible meddling race, we crave every last bitter detail so we can vaguely feel like we’re on first name terms with the person we’re reading about. Who cares if the stuff we read isn’t completely true and might have a slight stench of exaggeration? It isn’t like these people are out to make money by selling stories to stupid publications who’ll buy them.

Usually, when celebrities say stuff, it’s guaranteed to be a vomit of audio diarrhoea which makes no sense to anyone. But in Tulisa’s case, her comments from a recent interview would have pleased a sub section of society. Only shame is that anti homophobic comments died out a while ago. Tulisa was asked:

“Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex??”

She responded with:

“When I was 11 I went to play with a girl and she snogged me. I ran home crying! It was quite strange.”

Clearly Tulisa hadn’t embraced today’s modern society where lesbians are very much a part of society. Some of them present sports shows on the TV, others drive automobiles so they can pick up their dry cleaning and in the most radical example, two women can also get married.

We’re not entirely sure who gets to play the man. After all, lesbians don’t possess a working penis and as you know, a relationship isn’t proper unless there’s a peen involved. That’s what God told us. That’s why men are needed to come along and fix things. Or remove spiders out the shower occasionally.

Katy Perry kissed a girl and liked it, Tulisa didn’t. Someone missed a trick.

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