Apparently, ITV’s surprise smash hit The Only Way is Essex is coming back for a third series on Monday and, in a desperate attempt to remind us why we gave a crap in the first place, they’ve been carting the stars out in front of the press.?The excitement is almost too much for us to take.
Oh, look at that. We pulled through.
Of course, one star in need of a pay-cheque from the tat-peddling celeb factory that is TOWIE is?Jessica Wright. Speaking to some awful red-top tabloid, the quintessential Essex stereotype told the braying masses what they can expect of her and it appears there might be a few changes.
Contrary to suggestions that she might be becoming a nun, the Hindenburg-bosomed beauty told a reporter that she is single and ready to mingle as the new series begins:
?I want to enjoy being single and I am sure producers will want to jump on the ‘me and?Sam Faiers being single’ situation?
That’s handy. There’s nothing off about having a group of ITV2 producers running your love-life. Seriously. There isn’t. Guys… call us. We’re pretty morally bankrupt. We’ve got an idea for “hecklerspray Dates Gorillas” that we think you’ll really love.
Since parting ways (after an amicable contractual assessment) with the ridiculously named Joey Essex, TOWIE star Sam Faiers is also available for vaginal intercourse with strangers and apparently plans to celebrate this fact on camera… not like that:
?Sam and I have become really close friends since we started filming TOWIE and we both want to do more scenes together. They might show us going out on dates. ?
Well, that’s good. Of course, the mention of scenes suggest that the girls might be supplementing their income in another way but far be it for us to suggest such a thing. Poor ol’ Jessica though. She’s a delicate flower and is a little bit worried that the presence of her little brother Mark Wright on the show might stop her getting things inserted in her on a regular basis:
?It's harder for me because of my brother, the other boys don't want to mess with Mark?s sister. It does annoy me a bit as Mark is able to do whatever he wants with his life.?
That almost seems like a reasonable statement but also seems to imply that she’s only allowed to shag inside her social circle. Sorry fans of Nuts & Zoo, Jessica’s only allowed to shag her co-stars which might be the first time that there’s ever been a shagging clause in the contracts but whatever works for ITV2, works for ITV2.
Jessica has high hopes that the new series will allow her to cast off the shackles of both her brother and her lighter-than-light, monastic librarian image and establish herself as someone that people might remember in five year’s time:
?I want to be known as Jess and not his sister. I want fans to see me more as a laugh than someone serious.?
Don’t worry Jess. We’re laughing at you.
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