Criminals are a cute and cuddly bunch, aren't they? If they're not pinching your wallet in an adorable fashion, they're usually bludgeoning your head in.
That's why we've compiled a list of our favourite charmers of the criminal underworld. Partly because we love you so much, partly because it ties in nicely with the release of Fatbelly: Chopper?Unchopped, a documentary about Mark ?Chopper? Read, available from August 2 on DVD.
Enough with the shameless advertising, you say? You're here to read about the most Dick Dastardly delinquents of the criminal underworld; the type of moustache twirling charmers that manage to pinch a penny by sheer bravado. Well you’re in luck… after the jump.
Name: Mark ?Chopper? Read
Crimes: Assault, robbery, battery.
Charm Factor:
Hates bad manners and always says excuse me, please and thank you – even when handing out the occasional bashing. Claimed never to interfere with women, old people, children or the working man – Chopper saved his ire for hardened criminals ? how considerate. Eric Bana played the nefarious nutter in the quite awesome movie, Chopper.
Name: Reginald and Ronald Kray
Crimes: Armed robbery, torture, arson, murder.
Charm Factor:
East End gangsters who were notorious for their violent tendencies, but famous for being big ol? mummy?s boys. They shot several of their friends? in the foot and were more imposing that Phil Mitchell?s reflective fuming forehead. They also hung around with some top entertainers, including Diana Dors, Frank Sinatra and Judy Garland ? all their feet remained intact, thankfully.
Name: Robin Hood
Crimes: Robbery, assault.
Charm Factor: Stole from the rich and gave to the poor. Even has a proposed tax on big banks named after him! Depending on where you source your information from, he enjoyed wearing tights, was adept at using the longbow,?was a?talking fox?and occasionally slipped into nonsensical accents in an overblown Hollywood movie. The real legend, however, was of a kindly American, who came to England with Morgan Freeman and inflicted an awful Bryan Adams song on his kingdom for generations.
Name: Charles Bronson
Crimes: Armed robbery, GBH, False imprisonment.
Charm Factor: Prone to a cup of tea and a great lover of poetry and art, Bronson was originally banged-up for seven years but his charm has had his sentence extended. Bronson holds six world records for feats of strength and fitness and well as an unofficial record for the most prison rooftop protests by any UK inmate. He also got married behind bars to one lucky fan ? see kids, dreams can come true.
Name: Bugsy Siegel
Crimes: Murder, gambling, extortion.
Charm Factor: Smooth enough to convince hardened gangsters to build a gambling Mecca in the middle of the desert. Viva Las Vegas! Having murdered a good few goons in his time, he took to Las Vegas to start a new empire. He probably would?ve lived happily ever after if he wasn?t shot to death while reading the paper ? just imagine the Daily Mail?s ironic headline the next day.
Name: Frank Abagnale Jr.
Crimes: Forgery, fraud.
Charm Factor: The inspiration for Leonardo DiCaprio movie Catch me If You Can, the teenage Abagnale Jr. was famously driven to commit the countless acts of fraud and forgery by his love of women. After being caught he told his father: ?It's the girls dad, they do funny things to me. I can't explain it.? They do funny things to us too, Frank. Namely telling us to go away or they?ll call the police. Frank impersonated a Doctor, Lawyer and a Pilot in his teens, making him one hell of a smooth operator, eventually winning him?his freedom by helping the FBI – crime does pay!
Name: Howard Marks
Crimes: Drug smuggling – at the height of his career he was reportedly in control of 10% of the world's hashish trade.
Charm Factor: Oxford graduate with the moniker Mr Nice has to be doing something right? Claims not to have used violence and refused to deal with hard drugs. A former teacher, he managed to become famous as a notorious drug smuggler through connections with MI6, the IRA and the Mafia. He travelled the world, went to exclusive parties and was captured by the DEA. All of this and he had the unfortunate affliction of being completely Welsh.
So what have we learnt today everyone? Nothing, nothing at all. You can still go out and get a copy of Fatbelly: Chopper?Unchopped now.
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