Tom Cruise is gunning for Life & Style for coming out with a story about his crappy ass long distance parenting.? It’s pretty rare for a celebrity to go after a tabloid for printing shit about them that they deem untrue.? Usually the celeb in question comes out with a “That shit ain’t true!” statement or publicity stunt, and life goes on.? So for Cruise to take legal action is a pretty big deal.
Now to some, this may scream “He’s innocent!”? What it really means is that he’s got a buttload of money and a plethora of aliens behind him with even more money and at a certain point, everyone can be bought.? Shit, look at his last two marriages.
A lot of people tend to forget that Tom Cruise has?a child?other than Suri.? He has two in fact, both adopted with his original Stepford wife, Nicole Kidman.? After they got divorced, he got custody of both kids and turned them against?not only their vapid mother, but normalcy.? This time, however, his most current beard wife got physical custody of his kid with her walking papers.
Now Tom Cruise is an out and proud Ass-Probeologist, aka Scientologist.? One of their big rules is that you can only surround yourself with fellow Hubbard lovers.? That means that if someone isn’t one too, it doesn’t matter who they are, you cut them out.? So when Katie Holmes’ contract was up and she went skipping towards the great white light of freedom with Suri in tow, Cruise should have never seen his daughter again.? But see Suri again he did, much to the chagrin of other members who hadn’t seen their moms or brothers in decades.
But in a damned if you, damned if you don’t sort of way,? while Tom did see Suri-it was very limited.? So limited in fact that multiple news sources, and specifically Life & Style, all reported that Cruise dropped Suri like a New Years resolution on January 2nd.? Cruise has finally decided to sue the shit out of the magazine for printing all these lies about him!? Not for any of the million of gay rumors, contracted marriage, swallowing E.T sperm, none of that.
“I have in no way cut Suri out of my life ? whether physically, emotionally, financially or otherwise. While I'm sure my daughter misses me when I am not with her (as I miss her), she is a very happy child, and we have a wonderful relationship and cheerful phone calls.”
What Suri really misses are the over the top obnoxious gifts and shutting down of Disney World for her, and of course her daddy’s high heeled loafers.? Suri has been rocking kitten heels since before she could use a real cup, so her mother’s crappy ass flats are just unacceptable foot wear.
To further help his case,? Tom specifically lists the handful of times he has been with Suri over the last year.? Because being able to list your time together on a Post-It really helps prove that you have spent oodles of time with your spawn.? Suri has spent more time with her school’s nighttime custodian than she has her own father, which is just sad.? Without Tom around, who is going to teach Suri how to properly apply and blend in her liquid foundation?? That’s just not something you can really accomplish properly over FaceTime.
One of the highlights of Tom’s lawsuit is that he never actually says Katie Holmes’ name.? It’s all “my ex wife,”? “my daughter’s mother,”? and “that Jesus loving bitch.”? Okay, the last one isn’t in there but you know Cruise is thinking it.
Do you think Chris Klein is secretly hoping Life & Style demands a paternity test during this court case?? Shit would really hit the fan then, now wouldn’t it?