Right, everyone needs to calm down. CALM DOWN! JUST RELAX! Breathe. That's it. Breathe. Relax your mind, calm your addled nerves with a nice green tea or a cuddle with a bosomy fat person.
Feeling better? Good. Now, try and maintain your calm, because it's important. Otherwise this whole Liam Gallagher versus Peter Kay thing could escalate, and no one wants to have to go through the whole Biggie and Tupac debacle. Not again.
The north of England will, of course, be divided ? some flashing ‘knobhead’ signs at one another, in honour of Peter Kay?s aside when the Oasis man attempted to look like a rock star by throwing his award into a stage school student?s face. Whilst the rest will be miming the throwing incident, then probably high fiving/kissing one another. This, people, is exactly how gang warfare starts.
So, as a means of terrifying you with the harsh reality of exactly what can happen as a result of a celebrity feud, below are some recent examples. If you scare easily, you should probably stop reading right now, and go and read a romantic novel or something. This isn't for the faint hearted?Cheryl Cole versus Charlotte Church
Otherwise known as ‘the day pop music died’, this began when Cheryl Cole (or as she was known then, ‘Cheryl Tweedy’) made some catty remark about the opera singer. Or it might have been the other way round. No one is completely sure. But it's a damn mess. Both so feminine, so beautiful, but put a few alcoholic lemonades down them, and it's like Armageddon. Church recently vowed to knock Cheryl out if she sees her, and just by saying that she made everyone in earshot an accomplice to GBH. And, sorry to say it, but by reading this, you're now an accomplice too. we're all going to jail!
Paris Hilton versus Nicole Richie
Oh, it was great when they were friends! Particularly when they did that show about going to poor people?s houses to tease the family youngsters to a full erection, before leaving. That was hilarious. So imagine our horror, when Paris said this: ?It's no big secret that Nicole and I are no longer friends. Nicole knows what she did, and that's all I'm ever going to say about it.? No! What did she do, Paris? Did she hurt you? Tell us! Damn Nicole Richie and her hurtful behaviour?
Eminem versus Mariah Carey
This could have been a marriage made in heaven. Him a rapper from the wrong side of the tracks, her the singing princess who demands that everything always be at room temperature. Especially rooms. Unfortunately, the minute that Eminem suggested that Carey had enjoyed long evenings receiving his drooling tongue, she immediately backtracked, and insisted that no rubbing/smearing had ever taken place between the two. The rapper hit back by featuring some of her sensual voice messages on one of his albums, whilst she put paid to the whole thing by marrying someone. Such a waste.
Shannen Doherty versus Alyssa Milano
Time was when these girls had it all ? great looks, big wads of freshly ironed notes shoved in their back pockets, character acting roles in the hit US TV show Charmed. Unfortunately, art decided to imitate life, as the girls morphed into witches, with Milano saying this of her ex-buddy: “Shannen was like a bad roommate. There was a lot of tension on the set. She can be aggressive, so I was afraid of her. I got more hurt than angry.? To which Shannen replied: “Twenty years in this business, and I have only one person who hates me in my life.” Erm, actually Shannen, perhaps make that at least two.
Jennifer Lopez versus Gwyneth Paltrow
Forget what you know about Jennifer Lopez, that woman isn't the dreamy singer/actress/bottom on your television screen ? beneath the kindly veneer beats the heart of a cruel tigress. Like a wrestler picking a fight with an invalid, she once said this of Gwyneth Paltrow: “I don’t remember anything she was in. Some people get hot by association. I heard more about her and Brad Pitt than I ever heard about her work.” Ouch. Of course, Gwyneth has enjoyed the last laugh, because she's now married to the guy from Coldplay, and has starred in great films, like? erm?
This was a guest blog by Josh Burt, whose Interestment comedy nights are a thing to behold
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