Ahh, watching Kooks-a-like Kris darting a feverish tongue into Sophie’s appreciative mouth for a nanosecond of serious sex action is a beautiful sight.
Hopefully, before this series of Big Brother is over, there will be more romance. Perhaps Marcus will get to steamroller Angel in the bit between the diary room and the house? Or might Sree finally achieve all of his wants with a long night of intense sexual intercourse with the Irish one?
One thing is for sure, when it comes to beautiful romances, Big Brother has more than provided. Here are the five greatest on-screen love affairs. Hankies at the ready…
1. Saskia and Maxwell, series six
These two were match made in heaven – him a young cockney hooligan who loved his beers, women, and shivving people in the neck. Her a gorgeous promotions girl/racist, who simply couldn’t stand immigrants. There love affair grew and grew until all you could hear were muffled grunts and the sounds of smearing body parts coming from between their revolting sheets. Mercifully, the public soon got them out. As, indeed, did Saskia.
2. Stuart and Michelle, series five
Like Saskia, Michelle was fully aware that her breasts were the key to her fortune. Whereas Stuart was, in his own words, the most intelligent man ever to walk the earth. He knew that because he’d been to a university. An actual university. At first we were scared that Michelle might rape Stuart, her looming over him demanding that he look at her bosoms, him showcasing some weird terrified body language. But in the end he saw sense, and the pair of them hid under a table sqodging their genitals together and making mouse-like squeaking noises.
3. Makosi and Anthony, series six
Saskia and Maxwell weren’t the only sensual couple to melt our hearts back in series six. There was the night when the tiny little disco dancer, Anthony, stopped licking Orlaith‘s boobs and decided that he’d have a go on that Makosi lass. All right there in the Big Brother jacuzzi. It was a tearful, moving moment for young romantics all around the country. Of course, so shy was Anthony that he spent the rest of the series slagging off his gorgeous lover, pretending that it never happened. The little tease.
4. Paul and Helen, series two
It was only when they left the house that anyone realised that Paul and Helen had been enjoying a romantic journey. This was thanks to an ingenious code that they’d devised, referring not to “sex” but to “stuff”. So, when Paul told Helen that he wanted to have “stuff” with her all night long, then wake up and have “stuff” again, but this time from behind, not a single person watching batted an eyelid. It all sounded perfectly innocent, this “stuff”. They fooled us all.
5. Alex and Adele, series three
In every series of Big Brother, there will at some point be a french kiss. It’s inevitable. In the case of Alex – the clean male model – and Adele – the strange lesbian/bisexual – this kiss came complete with two enormous eel-like camel tongues lurching into the other one’s mouth. It would have been utterly disgusting were their love for one another not so apparent. Afterwards, they barely spoke ever again. What more was to say?
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