Sometimes people just don't learn, do they? Take The Covenant, for example. The Covenant seems like the worst straight-to-video mess of a supernatural thriller ever, and it's still managed to reach number one at the US weekend box office.
Let's look at the statistics for The Covenant, shall we? The Covenant is a godawful, TV pilot-looking movie about blandly attractive witches and warlocks being all two-dimensional to each other that's directed by King Of Bad Movie Directors Renny Harlin and received an unusually minuscule 8% on Rottentomatoes. And you people, you deliriously foolish people, have put The Covenant at number one in the US weekend box office. Still, given the choice between that and a film with Ben Affleck in it, you'd pick The Covenant too, wouldn't you?
There are many signs that summer is over – the nights are getting longer, the kids have gone back to school, Mother Nature has got all spiteful and ensured that it's sunnier now than when any of us took any time off work – but this week's US weekend box office proves once and for all that the days of summer have passed: all the new films in the weekend box office chart look shit. And that goes double for The Covenant, which is somehow number one in the US weekend box office chart. Here's this week's US weekend box office top five:
1 – The Covenant (The Covenant is basically a bunch of pretty Hollywood wannabes being moderately titillating and having vague fights. Brilliant! What? They're all male wannabes? Rubbish!) $9,000,000
2 – Hollywoodland (Ben Affleck stars in a critically-acclaimed investigation into the death of the man who played Superman. No, not that Superman; another one. You've probably never heard of him. Ah, forget it, it's not as if any of you will actually pay to go and see a Ben Affleck film) $6,008,000
3 – Invincible (We're happy to say that Invincible is easily the best film about a sport we've never played starring people we don't like that was number one on a national holiday that we don't celebrate that we never want to see) $5,784,000
4 – The Protector (Come on, The Protector is all about a bloke kicking seven shades of shit about every single thing he claps his eyes upon over the course of a couple of hours. Do you really want a plot description) $5,032,000
5 – Crank (So Jason Statham has to keep his heartbeat above a certain level or he dies. Instead of all that drug-taking and hanging out of helicopters and that, he should have just flown to China and got a taxi anywhere at all. Hanging out of helicopters? Pah!) $4,800,000
[story by Stuart Heritage]