Hollow-faced loon Michael Jackson is by far the best value entertainer in the entire universe. It’s been decades since anyone has been able to legitimately tell Michael Jackson jokes. Why? Well, try and comically exaggerate anything about him that he hasn’t been able to better himself in real life. Go on, try it…

Think of a joke about his egomania. Then remember that the man appeared onstage at the Brit Awards, dressed in white, apparantly healing sick orphan children with his arms outstretched like Jesus! One-nil to Jackson.

Maybe a new subject for fun would be easier – how about all his plastic surgery? Wrong again! He’s literally had so much surgery that his nose has actually fallen off his face! Or so it seems.

This evil genius is two steps ahead of anything your little mind is capable of dreaming up.

Three steps, if you can recall his face when he had the stubble implants. And don’t get us started on the Kirk Douglas chin thing…

hecklerspray could go on, but today’s news is a classic, so let’s get to it.

Although he complained about not wanting the trial to turn into a circus, Mike has seemingly called every single famous person on the planet as a witness. So what does that mean for us?

It means pretty soon, we will be able to see that Jay ‘The Jaw’ Leno, high-fiving the jury in that slightly awkward way your Dad does when your mates come round. Woo hoo!

Also, David Blaine giving his testimony from inside a frozen hippo’s lung or whatever cack-brained indurance feat he’ll be in the middle of. Peace.

How about Elizabeth Taylor, marrying and divorcing the entire courtroom in a matter of seconds?

Or one of the Backstreet Boys, swearing a bizzare harmonised accapella version of an oath? ‘You are my fire, my one desire, I’m not a liar…’

Surely the only thing Stevie Wonder can answer truthfully these days is the question "Was it you that ate all the pies?"

Jackson’s asking for trouble, obviously. The only people who could possibly benefit from any of this are the lookalikes who will act these scenes out on Sky News each night.

That’s all in the future, though. If you need a fix on one-gloved oddness right now, head down to the video store and rent the movie ‘Moonwalker’. He turns into a CAR, for god’s sake. A CAR. A goddamned car.

Keep your eyes on the TV, reader.