Dates may well be something of an American construct, but the world has embraced the notion of them, going out for dinner, watching a film or indeed, simply standing in a celebrity’s garden until they call the cops.
The ubiquitous date is a thrilling, fraught experience. It could be the start of something wonderful! The greatest love story ever told! Or indeed, it could be horrible. It could show you your dream partner and then snatch them away from you forever, seeing you vowing to an angry sky that you’ll never love another!
Tricky things aren’t they? So how best to navigate them? Well, as ever, we look to fiction for help.
The thing that prompted this is the new Heineken ad, which is called ‘The Date’. It features a man who knows how to woo a girl – mainly by taking them to a place where a band of the East plays Mohammed Rafi’s ‘Jaan Pehechaan Ho’ (you might know it as ‘That Bollywood Track From Ghost World’).
And yes. It would most certainly impress us at hecklerspray, mainly because we like that record and, secondly, no-one has ever asked us to go on a date with them. Apart from Lee Ryan’s mum.
It seems that Heineken want men of the world to start eel taming and producing bottles from their throats in a bid to woo beautiful women. Look.
There’s a Making Of which you can sink your teeth into, as well as updates you can read at Facebook.com/Heineken coming soon. We’ll be counting our advertising money by then.
But what about other dates? Some go well… others particularly badly. For example, in Hitch, Will Smith’s character goes to a food tasting thing with his date… however, he’s allergic to peanuts and…
Humans are notorious for getting it wrong, which is why we should look to canines for advice. In Lady and the Tramp, the pooches show us stupid humans how is should be done. It’s the perfect date, apart from the smell of flea collars.
Of course, not all dates are dates. Sometimes, you simply go for dinner with someone in a platonic manner, yet it still marks the start of something beautiful. In When Harry Met Sally, That Scene shows the beginnings of irritation slowly turning into something more.
Alas, There’s Something About Mary teaches us all that we should be wary about using fellas hair gel before we go out on a date. Men – pre-emptive strikes should take place loooooooooooooong before your suitor arrives at the door, okay?
And of course, women just love a funny guy, right? Especially when they look like Johnny Depp and are able to summon Buster Keaton. In Benny and Joon, Johnny Depp looks just like Johnny Deep AND summons Buster Keaton, in a kook-off that is sure to melt anyone’s heart.
Still, failing that, you can take your date to a dry field and shoot them with paintballs until they give in, just like Heath Ledger does in 10 Things I Hate About You. Basically, to capture someone’s heart, you need to be handsome, witty and quite possibly a spaghetti eating cocker-spaniel with a paintball fetish. Easy.