Last night was the Apprentice final. The week where we get to finally find out who wins, and what they're going to do with Lord Sugar?s money! But really, who cared who won? MARGARET WAS BACK. Everybody loves Margaret. Except maybe the Apprentice candidates, who had to face her wrath in their interviews.
It wasn?t just Margaret doing the interviewing though. No, Lord Sugar had brought in a team of four scary-looking people who were out to make the candidates cry, and scream, and maybe piss themselves. And so, we got to find out their rubbish business plans. And more importantly, their massive flaws. Because let's be honest, they're bound to be more crap than good.
Susan wanted to expand her existing business and make everyone pretty. Unfortunately though, she's both a tax-dodger and a bit of an idiot. She had no idea what it takes to actually set up a company, or to get her products tested, or even that you're meant to pay tax and national insurance, but she'd read about it on the internet. Apparently this means She'll make ?1m profit in her first year. Nobody seemed convinced, but her confidence remained unaffected.
HELEN WANTED TO ORGANISE EVERYONE. Her plan was to take all the rubbish little tasks off people’s hands and do them for them. But she doesn't know anyone, and so wouldn't be able to get anything done. And then Margaret pointed out that Helen had such a non-existent work-life balance that she might not even be a human. Which would make sense of her awesome winning streak. The woman?s a robot! HOW DID WE NOT CLOCK THIS EARLIER?
Tom, meanwhile, wanted to solve back pain with a chair. Which he forgot to mention in his business plan. He?d also made his numbers up, and forgotten to cost his chair. Well done, Tom. Strong showing all round.
After all this, we still didn't know what Magic Jim is planning on doing. We just knew he's a massive clich?, who?d had a meteoric rise from zero to hero. And when asked to talk about himself without clich?s, he said that he's ?what it says on the tin?. ?When they eventually got the idea out of him, it turned out he wanted to go into schools and brainwash children to be just like him. He wanted to call his business AmSmart, because he's trying to seduce Lord Sugar through the power of money. Which is just a mental image hecklerspray could really, really do without.
After the interviews, it was back to the boardroom, where Susan was mocked extensively for her ?4m turnover estimate. Tom and Helen meanwhile, both got a bollocking ? Helen, for just being a great big disappointment, and Tom for adding to Lord Sugar?s health and safety nightmare. Jim stayed out of it and just carried on trying to seduce his way to the money. He even called Lord Sugar just plain ?Sugar?.
It didn't go down well with Lord Sugar though (thank God, because we don't think we could have coped with that mental image on top of everything else), and so Jim was first to be fired. Susan was next to go, because Lord Sugar?s scared She'll spend all his money attempting to professionalise her company without actually achieving anything. Which seemed a fair and valid point.
And so it came down to Tom and Helen. Really, what we all knew was that the two of them should go into business together, possibly get married, and take over the world with their incredibly inventive and organized children. Unfortunately, that wasn?t an option, and so Lord Sugar had to pick just one.
Before he could, Helen decided to make one final, desperate grasp for the money and announced she was actually going to start a chain of bakeries. Unfortunately for her, Tom?s oddly stalkerish tactics for getting his products into shops impressed Lord Sugar more, and so he was made Lord Sugar?s business partner. Finally. Despite losing everything.
And so, another year of the Apprentice has come to an end, and hecklerspray finds itself at a loss as to what to do on Wednesday nights from now on. We might take to wandering the streets throwing insults at people in a desperate attempt to fill the void in our lives. Or we might just start communicating exclusively via Amstrad E-M@iler. If we can find one, that is.
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