Last night saw the Apprentice candidates plumb new depths of idiocy. Lord Sugar literally told them what to do, and they still managed to cock it up. Spectacularly. Apparently having someone explaining everything to you step-by-step isn't enough for this bunch of imbeciles.
Their task was simple; sell a load of crap, reinvest in the most successful crap, and then sell some more of it.
Somehow, this was too complex a concept for any of them to grasp, with the exception of Magic Jim. And, shockingly, Tom and Susan. Seems there might be some truth to that crap about the meek inheriting the earth, although for our own sake hecklerspray hopes not.
Anyway, there was one question which had everyone's attention (well, maybe three peoples? attention). Can Helen ever actually lose? It seemed impossible, but then she got stuck with Melody, who, shockingly enough, had absolutely no idea what was going on. The two of them ended up trawling around pound shops in the East End, trying to sell them ?50 watches, before becoming fixated on selling duvets to one shop. Apparently it hadn?t occurred to them that these places already had wholesalers.
Tom, meanwhile, was down on the Southbank, selling nodding dogs to tiny little children. He tried to tell Melody that they should buy more of them ? after all, Lord Sugar had repeatedly told him to ?smell what sells? and then get more ? but Melody wasn?t having any of it. Instead, she inexplicably bough a crapload of weird electrical items. Nobody seemed quite sure why.
Over at Venture, Natasha hadn?t grasped the task either. She refused to reinvest, because she's an idiot. Luckily for her though, she had Susan and her tacky jewellery, and Magic Jim, who is a selling genius. And he's not afraid to pimp himself out. He offered hugs and kisses free with his goods. He even got his nemesis Nick to say he quite liked him. After a few quiet weeks, it seems that the magic is back!
In the boardroom, Lord Sugar couldn't understand how Natasha ENTIRELY MISSED THE POINT of the task, even after he'd told it to her. He was so angry that he fined them ?100, but unfortunately stopped short of giving her a smack about the head with a mallet. Thanks to the Magic of Jim though, they still managed to get through, but they weren't given a treat. Natasha then tried to blame it on Susan, whilst Jim just sat there. We anticipate bitching. And sniping. And then a bit more bitching.
So that means the impossible happened ? Helen lost. Lord Sugar heard about Helen?s attempt to steal the project manager job from Melody, and wanted to know what she would have done. Her plan would have been to try and get massive orders from retailers and to ignore the general public, so she completely missed the point of the task as well. Can any of them follow simple instructions? It appears not.
Before making his final decision, Lord Sugar gave everyone one last chance to redeem themselves. Melody tried to justify herself by pointing out that she was in the Queen?s Speech or something, whilst Helen just tried to point out that she'd won every task. All Tom had to offer was the fact that he still has a huge amount to show Lord Sugar, which sounded a bit dirty. Disturbingly, hecklerspray quite liked it.
In the end, Lord Sugar seemed to be at a bit of a loss on who to fire. Eventually though, he got round to firing Melody and her epic eyeliner, mostly because she's too gobby to be in a boardroom with him. we're sure the Dalai Lama will be glad to have her back.
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