Last night saw the continued returned of the Apprentice. That’s right, it was on again. A day after it started. With another episode. Apparently the viewing public could not be expected to wait an entire week to see if the weekly bullshit quota could be fulfilled without the one-man wankfest that was Edward, so we were treated to the second show in as many nights.
Could it possibly be the same without the shortest and youngest contestant? Of course it could – there?re still 15 other hopefuls, and last night they made funny noises in the name of technology.
Lord Sugar, it seems, has decided to demonstrate that he's ?where it's at? by making the contestants design, launch and market their very own apps. Within two days. They can create literally anything they want, so long as it's downloadable. And for some reason, both teams go for soundboards. Presumably because this provides the quickest and easiest route to looking spectacularly stupid, and is of no real use to anyone.
In the least surprising move of all time, Edna immediately puts herself forward for project manager, and the girls happily let her hang herself with the noose that is the most redundant app in history. Team Venture, you see, decide to launch an app designed to annoy people. Which is exactly what Apprentice contestants do EVERY SINGLE WEEK. OR TWICE IN TWO STINKING DAYS.
Ahem.
The only difference is that, this week, they got to do it in a recording studio and to then tell everyone how ?random? they're being. According to Felicity, the link is that there is no link. She thinks their app ? the ridiculously named ?Ampi Apps? – is fantastic. Everyone else thinks it's shit.
Meanwhile, the boys have decided that what the world really needs is a bit more casual racism, so they create their very own borderline-offensive collection of stereotypical phrases and dodgy accents and market it to the world as ?Slangalang?. It mainly seems an exercise in insulting people, so hecklerspray could probably be called hypocritical for being rude about it. But we?ll do it anyway.
Both teams get to pitch their apps to some Very Important Websites, and then it was off to a giant geek convention to try and get more downloads. Apparently, the boys? marketing plan was to run around an exhibition in silly outfits and demonstrate their app to teenage boys. Edna, meanwhile, elected to parade around a stage dressed like a failed 90s popstar with a glove fetish, and gave perhaps the worst pitch in history. The girls ? and probably everyone else on Earth ? think they're fucked. Their demise seemed inevitable.
But then! A genuine twist in the Apprentice tale! In the boardroom it turned out that -shockingly enough – the global market isn't such a massive fan of offensive stereotypes! The girls got three times more downloads than the boys and a nice swanky dinner, whilst the boys got their sorry arses hauled back in. Even the magic power of Jim can't save them.
In fact, it turns out that Jim?s a bit shit at business, but what he is good at is propaganda, bullshit, and brainwashing terminally weak project manager Leon. Within a matter of seconds, he talked the pretty one out of taking him back into the boardroom, thereby revealing himself as a diabolical genius, and ruining our prediction that he?ll stick around for ages and not do much. It's like he's doing it just to annoy us. He even taunts us with a cheeky wink. The non-boring bastard.
In the end, Alex was the one who got kicked out, purely because he completely failed to do anything. At all. He's so dull he hasn't even been mentioned yet, so there's no chance of us missing him. All we care about is when we?ll find out the answer to three oh-so-important questions. What was with Edna?s gloves? Will Lord Sugar ever learn to say ?resume? properly? And can anything stop the black magic of Jim?
This was a guest post by Jackie Evans, which is just brilliant eh?
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