The primary function of the internet is to take every great thing and then show what you'd do to it in your basement. It's changed the way that I view the entire world. Cartoon characters are at their most natural when they're being filled with tentacles. Celebrities haven't ?made it? until they've been covered with fur and caressed a teenage author. No one is safe from being turned into something terrifying online, not even handsome, popular actor Ryan Gosling.
In researching this article, I was paid entirely in times that I cringed. With these ten horrible things that I've found, I'm currently set for life.
PUT YOUR HEAD NEXT TO RYAN GOSLING?S
Putting your face through a wooden picture is a great way to let your friends know that you had an uninteresting vacation. This picture is sort of like one of those, but rather than the image of a sailor or body builder, we get a girl holding a moody looking Ryan Gosling. While Ryan contemplates his feelings, the girl doesn't even attempt to hide her smirk, as she tells the laws of the universe to fuck themselves and Photoshop?s her face onto some clueless woman?s.
It would be ridiculous if it didn't fall into the grey area between ?cartoonish? and ?slightly realistic.? Instead of coming off as a harmless fan girl, it presents itself as a likely scenario. Because if this girl has the ability to use Photoshop, than surely she can use books about skin tissue, scissors and staples. Ryan Gosling is going to wonder why his next date spends so much time touching herself up in the bathroom. If she doesn't apply the body glue fast, her soup is soon going to be full of face.
RYAN GOSLING PORTRAIT
Portraits of celebrities that enlarge certain, prominent features are popular. Who would?ve thought that a caricature of Ryan Gosling would make him look like Steve Carell? I kind of prefer this trucker Ryan Gosling to the actual one. On the outside, it looks like a forty-year-old man with a forty-one-year-old drinking problem. But on the inside, he's going to tell you that you look pretty when you wake up the next morning. And that is what fairy tales are made of.
THE NOTEBOOK MAKES YOU NOSTALGIC
I understand history well enough to know that it's not always like the movies. If it was, then a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away would be amazing right about now. Sadly, girls who are lame on the internet didn't take the same history classes as I did. They think ?history? is a green liquid that you wash out your mouth with. And they take movies as literally as one can. I don't know if the earth itself even knew this, but The Notebook was a perfect example of how everything was in the 1940?s.
The 1940?s was a lot of kissing in the rain and nothing but that. If you weren't telling someone that you were a bird too in the 1940?s, than get back to your black hole, Mars being. I don't know who writes ?justgirlythings?, whether it's a lot of girls or just one lonely squid, but I can only guess that every time they open a book, their cats all whisper ?No.?
RYAN GOSLING AND EMMA WATSON
Putting celebrity couples together is a fun activity, because we?d all like to think that, when they're not acting, they're just fucking one another. The person who made this didn't even bother to have Ryan Gosling and Emma Watson look happy to be around each other. Ryan is entirely focused on something else and Emma Watson looks like she's recently been told that the cancer isn't just terminal, but made entirely of spiders. They?re then placed on a slightly blurry background, with a grey-haired man questioning Gosling?s ass. Photoshop hasn't looked this good since it was Microsoft Paint.
Then again, the reason that it's blurry is probably because the two, brought together suddenly, are stuck between universes. It's only a matter of time before a fan calls out Ryan?s name, only for him to turn back and see a screeching Emma Watson getting her bones pulled back through a portal. ?EMMA!? he?ll cry, as someone makes a gif of it all.
RYAN GOSLING?S BEARD
A lot of women are attracted to facial hair on a guy. This person took that one step further and put an illogical amount of facial hair on Gosling. ?Ryan Gosling is a very attractive man. I'm not gay, but I would tenderly stroke his blonde hair as he fell asleep, if only for science. But making him bald and then putting him in a Viking beard is about as appealing to women as telling your wife that her mouth is the perfect size to fit rats into, if you hadn?t wasted all of them on her mom.
BUFF RYAN GOSLING
Okay, imagine Ryan Gosling as a pro wrestler.
Now imagine someone cut off Ryan Gosling?s head and stitched it to a decapitated pro wrestler?s corpse.
These pictures live out the second of those two fantasies. I've always had a secret dream of Ryan Gosling acting as The Rock?s stunt double and here it is. There were two of these, and in neither case do the photos come off as anything near ?realism.? The person who made these would be better off fantasizing to Ryan Gosling shadow puppets. Trying to find something erotic in this is like trying to dig up a dead pet, in order to count all the insects you find on the way down. Sure, it's hard work, but it will lead to nothing but eventual disappointment.
The first one has a neck that makes Ryan part-Apatosaurus and part-Owl. I'm sure he'd still be appealing with that loose concept of a spinal cord, but it would be a little disconcerting to be behind Ryan Gosling, say his name, and have him not turn around to face you.
The second picture is even better, because this time, Ryan Gosling is staring directly at you. The abomination has seen its tormenter. Plead, plead for your life.
RYAN GOSLING CANDLE
There's a line in the Bible about putting Ryan Gosling?s face that close to a religious figure. When this photo was taken, every image of the Ten Commandments in a twenty mile radius burned to ashes. Every night, that Mary Magdalene statue comes to life and sobs.
The best part about this is the little plastic rubies and diamonds that have been attached to encircle Ryan?s head. The candle in the background is entirely bare. Sorry, Jesus. You should?ve been in Crazy, Stupid Love if you wanted the decorated treatment.
RYAN GOSLING?S A BIRD
One of the most popular lines in The Notebook is Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams telling each other that they're birds.
You know what? It doesn't seem all that romantic when you write it out.
The person who drew this wanted to create a piece based off that scene and did so with all of the accuracy of blind man directed to shoot arrows at where he hears the most silence. Anime Ryan Gosling is just hitting the stride of an opium stupor, and is unable to realize that Rachel McAdams is rapidly aging, even as he picks her up. Goblins would see this picture and wonder who gave away the secret of their existence. The people in this photo are what a child describes to the police when ghosts murder his family. It couldn't look less like Rachel McAdams if you didn't know who that was.
RYAN GOSLING AS VENUS
There is absolutely no way that this was done un-ironically. If it was drawn seriously, then you can follow the trail of pentagrams and animal organs to the artist?s house. An orange-faced balding man holds out a coat for Gosling to stand on, as a blond girl erupts from the sea to grab Ryan?s skull. Meanwhile Ryan stares into our eyes and casually covers his Ken doll junk, and dares us to watch the deleted scenes of Drive. Here?s a spoiler: it's this picture.
BECAUSE RYAN GOSLING IS A DOUCHEBAG
I was utterly disappointed by how few Ryan Gosling fan fiction pieces that there were on the internet. I saw a forum where a few people discussed writing one in 2005, but they never finished it. But putting Ryan Gosling in a story has got to be as close to ecstasy as some people ever get and their bodies couldn't handle that amount of intense pleasure. However, I did find one, and in the end, it was enough.
The story deals with Noah Puckerman, a ?bad boy singer with a heart of gold? and Rachel, an actress or something. Rachel is doing a movie with Ryan Gosling. After a tour, Noah catches Ryan Gosling raping Rachel, and promptly deals with this by beating up Ryan. Ryan and Rachel win the MTV Award for Best Kiss and Noah does things like sulk about it. Then, on the day of the awards show, Noah tells Ryan that a girl is waiting for him backstage and Ryan ignores the business obligation of showing up for the event in the hopes that he?ll get some consensual sex. Rachel goes on stage and then so does Noah, and they kiss on stage, making their relationship public.
What makes this creepy is that Ryan Gosling, the only actual person in this thing, is a rapist. For no reason at all. I could suspend disbelief more if the story was about top Expert of Science, John Travolta, being forced to navigate a high tech machine to the moon?s core, with top Expert in Engineering, Elvis.? But Ryan here is obsessed with sex. He doesn't even try to counter Noah?s argument when caught forcing sex on Rachel.
Then, Noah tells him that some girl wants to meet him backstage and Ryan doesn't even hesitate to pursue, as Noah says, ?Meredith or some shit.? Nevermind that this poon suggestion just came from the guy who kicked your ass earlier. If a girl wants Ryan Gosling, than permission to come aboard is granted.
Blake says
I need more Daniel Dockery. Daniel, i demand three articles a day.
Mimsy says
Fanfic is creepy; rape fanfic is creepiness squared.
Spook says
So brilliant!
Theresa says
The Rachel and Noah you were referring to at the end are from the tv show Glee, if you haven’t noticed.