Taylor Swift Allegedly Gave Up her V-Card to Jake Gyllenhaal

jakeJERKenhaal

I might as well go bury my head in shame, because lately I have been all kinds of wrong. The other day I said Taylor Swift would probably lose her virginity to a stuffed Care Bear (as I assumed she was still a virgin because, come on, it’s Taylor Swift), but apparently she gave it up to Jake Gyllenhaal back when she was 20. Give me a minute because I just went into shock.

According to a source (aka Tiny Fey, because we all know she hates that little bitch), Taylor lost her virginity to Jake back when she was 20, after three months of dating. However, Jake totally hit it and quit it, and that’s what inspired the majority of the CD Red. For once, I kind of sympathize with Taylor Swift.

Apparently, not long after they started doing it, Jake began to blow Taylor off, and even bailed on her 21st birthday party in December 2010. The source says:

The day before – all was set – he was coming, no issues. But the day of, she doesn’t hear from him at all. No texts, no calls. Taylor thought maybe he was planning some sort of surprise. Nope. He didn’t show up and she locked herself in the bathroom and cried the entire night.

Ugh, I hate feeling empathetic feelings for Taylor Swift, but being a girl in your early 20’s and really liking a guy and then having him treat you like crap after you bang is the woooooorst. I probably would’ve written a ton of pissed off songs, too, if I’d had the platform to do so. Instead, I just wrote a lot of passive-aggressive Facebook statuses and posted songs like “I Want Love” by Elton John and “I Am a Rock” by Simon and Garfunkel. Oh God, I really don’t miss my early 20’s. Hot mess, party of one!

ANYWAY, the source then goes on to say:

Her breakup with Jake inspired every word of ‘Red’. The song that specifically references this ‘event’ is ‘The Moment I Knew.’ They lyrics are all about her birthday party and Jake not showing up.

Ok, Taylor Swift, if this is true (which it probably is, because I bet Jake Gyllenhaal is a total dickhead behind those gorgeous baby blues) then I’m going to back off on dissing you for always whining about boys in your songs, because that really blows.

And as for you, Jake Gyllenhaal, well you get one of these:

notcool

#NOTCOOL

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