Being a tween heartthrob doesn’t require all that much brain power. It absolutely requires cheeks worthy of pinching and a personality so adorable it could make people’s brains melt out of their ears. Nowhere in theTween Hunk 101 handbook does it teach you to keep any and all mental defects to yourself.
Taylor Lautner is struggling. Bless his tiny movie-making cotton socks. We don’t mean struggling, as in working out which trouser leg to put on first. Or even struggling to work out which blonde haired singing star is his girlfriend, out of the sea of thousands of beauties just like her. Actually – the latter is sort of what we mean.
There’s an identity crisis going on in teeny tiny tween land. We think we may be the only ones who can help. In a recent interview with Extra TV, Twilight Saga: New Moon actor Taylor Lautner (and all his jail bait goodness) admitted that he has a little trouble with his girlfriend, Taylor Swift.
Taylor Swift doesn’t need to be all psycho or anything. Kanye West had all that covered for her, during the VMAs. However, the 19-year-old country singer did do something troublesome. More specifically, her bothersome parents went and did something bothersome. What they did was horrid. Just horrid. They called her the inexplicably normal name of Taylor. Bloody Taylor. What kind of celebrity name is that? They may as well have called her Claire or Sarah or something. That would have made it a little clearer that they wanted to shoot their daughter’s chances of stardom right in the foot.
Taylor Swift has been suffering from years of humiliation. She knows full well that she is never going to stand out, in a world full of Pilot Inspektors and Apples – all of whom are in a corner somewhere, quietly fostering their mental illnesses. There was a point in time, we think it was a couple of Thursdays back, when she may have been considering changing her name (or not). It would have been changed to something more distinctive, celebrity-worthy, and most importantly – bloody weird. She choose Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa but then she found out flippin’ Lisa Bonet had gone and used the name already – thus scuppering her plans.
So she’s stuck. She has a normal name and it’s one she shares with her boyfriend. A fact that has the poor, pretty, simple Taylor Lautner lost for words. He expressed that it’s weird for him to call someone else his own name. Especially when he’s dating them. From Extra TV:
Taylor Lautner has been cozying up to Taylor Swift, and he tells “Extra” that it’s kind of funny dating somebody with the same name.? “It gets confusing definitely,” Lautner, 17, told “Extra’s” Mario Lopez at the “New Moon” (out Nov. 20) junket Friday. “And it’s weird calling somebody your name.”
Our solution is a simple one. We’ve been down to the shops and we’ve gotten some cheap felt markers and sticky labels. How’s about, assuming each can spell their own first and last names, they stick name tags on each other. Then they can get on with having old ladies pinch their cheeks, and not have to expend their energy on working out which one of them gets which mother’s cooking that night.
This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, who is the walking definition of the world lovely.
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