Lesson of the day: never, ever, go up to an Osbourne lady and start dissing their men, because they are lunatics.

Oh, alright, alleged lunatics. Just a couple of weeks after Sharon Osbourne apparently attacked a bikini model after hearing a slur about Ozzy, Kelly Osbourne has been arrested for assault after allegedly slapping a journalist who insinuated that her boyfriend didn’t know what an earthquake was.

If you ask us, Jack Osbourne must be feeling left out. Maybe if we make up a good enough lie we’ll be able to goad him into punching a nun unconscious or something.

Kelly Osbourne has always been the member of the Osbourne family who we’d least like to get into a fight with. Ozzy, obviously, would be a pushover. Sharon’s main line of attack is traditionally the liquid fling, which we’d be able to counter with the aid of, say, an umbrella or a cagoule or whatever. Jack Osbourne has climbed mountains with Craig David without ever pushing him off, so we doubt we could even make him angry enough to initiate us in a fight anyway.

But Kelly Osbourne? Different story. Kelly Osbourne not only has the heft to make mincemeat of us, but she also looks the kind of girl who’d cry immediately afterwards, and there’s nothing worse than a mixed message when it comes to hypothetical intergender fistfights.

So that’s why we feel sorry for Zoe Griffin from The Mirror, because she apparently found herself on the wrong end of a Kelly Osbourne fury attack last year. According to reports, Kelly took offence at a column claiming that her fiance Luke Worrall didn’t know what an earthquake was and slapped Griffin across the face. We’re not making this up, although to be honest we sort of wish we were.

Anyway, as MTV reports, the police have finally got around to arresting Kelly Osbourne for assault:

Although authorities wouldn’t disclose her name, they released a statement about the incident. “I can confirm that a 24-year-old woman attended a central London police station by appointment at 3 p.m. on January 2 … She was arrested for common assault relating to an alleged incident in Soho in the early hours of 29th August 2008. She was bailed to attend a central London police station on a date in March.”

Why did it take so long to arrest Kelly Osbourne for this incident? We don’t know for sure, but we suspect that officers wanted to make sure that it really was Kelly Osbourne who slapped Zoe Griffin and not someone who just looked a bit like her, like Matt Lucas or a sad Moomin or something.

Anyway, we’re hoping that this mess gets sorted out quickly without anyone resorting to locking Kelly Osbourne up. We hear she can start fires in her sleep, you know.

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