And that’s that Christmas is a time when even the world’s most frail-looking 82-year-old man can live out his increasingly creepy wish-fulfilment fantasies by posing with two 19-year-old twins who’ve had their boobs slathered with paint.

And thanks to Karissa and Kristina Shannon, that’s exactly what Hugh Hefner got to do – Hugh’s Christmas card this year features him standing between the bodypainted Karissa and Kristina Shannon with a facial expression situated somewhere between ’smug’ and ‘kidnap victim’. God bless us, every one.

Hugh Hefner’s had a rough year. Not only has the wealth of free porn on the internet basically rendered Playboy irrelevant, but his personal life has taken a bit of a kicking, too. First, Hugh Hefner’s generic blonde booby model of a girlfriend left him, shortly followed by another generic blonde booby model of a girlfriend. Honestly, it’s almost as if topless models in the prime of their life aren’t attracted to creepy old octogenarians any more.

But if Hugh Hefner has learnt anything from this business, it’s that when one door closes another one opens – and behind that door you’ll usually find a couple of bright orange topless identical twins who are totally prepared to kiss each other with tongues in front of feeble old pensioners if it’ll make them a tiny bit famous.

And that’s how Hugh Hefner got together with Karissa and Kristina Shannon – two topless models (and aggravated assault arrestees) less than a quarter of Hefner’s age. We’re not sure what Karissa and Kristina Shannon saw in Hugh Hefner – maybe an old-school sophistication that you just don’t get from the younger generation, maybe the timeless twinkle in his eyes or maybe the massive house, reality TV show and huge possibility that he’ll die soon and leave everything to them. The truth is we just don’t know.

The important thing is that Hugh Hefner is happy with Karissa and Kristina Shannon. So happy, in fact, that he’s decided to put them on the front of his Christmas card this year.

That’s right – if you’re friends with Hugh Hefner, then this Christmas you’ll have received a card featuring Karissa and Kristina Shannon covered in bodypaint and flanking Hugh Hefner, who looks like the cat who got the cream, then realised the cream was actually twins who liked to touch each other on the boob and then got a bit sexually intimidated by the cream. News10 reports:

Even Christmas can’t be void of the sexy conduct displayed by Hugh Hefner and his Playboy co-eds. This year’s Christmas card will feature Hef with his new twin girlfriends, Karissa and Kristina Shannon. Hef is sporting his signature silk robe and pajamas while his latest girlfriends have pink body paint covering their chests in what is shaped as a mini-tank top donning the name ‘hef’.

But, as weird and creepy as it is to see 82-year-old Hugh Hefner standing next to two naked twins young enough to be his granddaughters, you have to pray that his relationship with Karissa and Kristina Shannon lasts.

Because if it doesn’t, next year’s Christmas card will feature Hugh Hefner and some naked 18-year-old triplets. And then, the year after that, naked 17-year-old quadruplets. And if Hugh Hefner manages to live until he’s 90? Well, nobody wants to see naked 11-year-old decaplets, do they? Not at Christmas.

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Thanks to you, someone’s taken a load of photos of Amy Winehouse topless on holiday and spread them across the internet like some sort of obscene dirty protest.

However, the good news is that Amy Winehouse looks less like the emaciated hollow-eyed wreck we’ve all seen in the papers for the last 18 months and more like an actual human. The bad news is that they’re pictures of Amy Winehouse topless. How much worse do you want? Jesus.

You might have thought that, since we haven’t really mentioned her for a couple of months, Amy Winehouse is back on the mend again. That’s not completely true – since her husband got released from jail she’s apparently been starting divorce proceedings while being treated for any one of her 4,000 illnesses – but the thought of discussing Amy Winehouse more than we absolutely have to makes us want to gas ourselves in an oven. That’s why we decided that we’re only going to talk about Amy Winehouse whenever she does something of hugely important global consequence.

Like, for example, Amy Winehouse going topless on a beach. That is important, isn’t it? Anyone? Hello?

Oh, screw you all. Look, Amy Winehouse was been photographed completely topless on a beach during a holiday in St Lucia. And it’s important not just because of stupid titillation, but because it provides concrete evidence that Amy Winehouse’s cadaverous ribcage doesn’t only contain the screaming souls of her prey like the Ghost Of Christmas Past in Scrooged.

Also, you can totally see Amy Winehouse’s nipples. Or at least we assume you can – thanks to a mixture of decency and unstoppable nausea we haven’t quite worked up the courage to look at the uncensored photos. Anyway, News Of The World reports:

Unless I’m very much mistaken the Rehab star, who has battled drugs, was sporting a very healthy looking tum. One onlooker told me: “Amy just whipped off her top and dived in to the sea without a care in the world. She was looking a better than she has for a while. A bit of sun is just what she needs.”

That’s it? The only thing that Amy Winehouse needed to make her better was a bit of sun on her tits? At least that explains why she went so mental last time someone tried to put her in rehab – the only thing Amy Winehouse was going to get on her tits on an island in the North Sea was four layers of goosebumps and the occasional dollop of ice-cold seagull turd.

In fact, the more we think about this ‘a bit of sun is just what she needs’ theory, the more we can see the logic in it. That’s why we propose that someone packs Amy Winehouse into a tiny little rocket and catapults her directly into the middle of the solar system as soon as possible. She’ll be much better after that.

Also we won’t have to keep doing our best to avoid pictures of Amy Winehouse topless all the time. It’s literally a win-win.

Read more:

Naked Amy-bition - News Of The World

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Mmm, all those undigested chunks floating around in a river of brown liquid either in the middle of the street, the next door neighbour’s neatly trimmed lawn or your mate’s bed.

Whilst the above combination is the result of typical student bids to be wacky and impressive, everyone can now experience the thrill of choking on their own sick. You see, everyone’s favourite reality TV star Kerry Katona has decided to show the world her boobs. Well, we’ve got to work one way or another. Even if it puts the health of the nation at risk.

If people in the south of England were looking for a person they believed represented the apparent grim north of England, then Kerry Katona would be that individual. With multiple children from multiple fathers crawling out the woodwork and allegations of partners cheating during pregnancy, Kerry’s life has all the ingredients for Jeremy Kyle’s wet dream.

For poor Kerry, life hasn’t been a fairytale. Honestly, it’s like Stephen King has given up trying to scare people with evil cars and instead wants to make the most grotesque human being ever.

Kerry Katona has threatened to distort our vision with parts of her wobbly body before. She was offered money by MTV to drop her pants and show the world her Atomic Kitten.

Honestly, MTV must be running out of American imported programmes, because they’ve again signed up Katona to show off her body having litres of fat, cigarette ash and alcohol sucked out of it. Maybe she gets to keep it in a jar.

The show – which definitely has no bitter references to her ex-bandmates – is called Kerry Katona: Whole Again and will be airing later this month. In a statement from the channel, we’re promised that “following the birth of her fourth child in April, image conscious Kerry has been eager to regain her original popstar status of sexy, blonde bombshell.”

The key words there being ‘image conscious’. Or, a more literal translation: “I’ll never get on the front of multiple shit womens’ magazines if I have one tit five times the size of the other and a belly that you could rest a pint on”. There you are kids, who says people up north are stupid?

So what spin-off documenting Kerry Katona’s life will be snapped up next? Between now and Christmas we expect to see at least four of the following:

Kerry Katona gets knocked unconscious by a falling conker.

Kerry Katona locks herself out the house.

Kerry Katona gets chased by a squirrel.

Kerry Katona falls down a manhole.

Kerry Katona visits Iceland the country.

Kerry Katona visits Iceland the supermarket to see what she actually promotes.

Kerry Katona solves the credit crunch, slows down global warming and reduces fuel prices all before teatime.

Whereas the explosion-loving director ordered every young boy in the world’s wet dream to put some weight on for Transformers 2, the actress has revealed that she instead decides to clean herself out with vinegar.

No, we have no idea either.

But, reports have flooded in on all the websites you would hope to print them – namely the ones aimed at already-image-conscious young teenage girls, who are now likely to think that drinking vinegar is a viable dieting option. What a great example these Hollywood types set each and every day.

First Megan Fox decided to ruin the underwear of millions of men and boys around the world with the news she was going to lez off in her upcoming movie Jennifer’s Body. Then, as if the news of a “hot” and “hardcore” lesbian scene weren’t enough, it was revealed she would be doing some topless stuff too.

That girl really knows how to ruin lives, that’s for sure.

After destroying millions of male psyches with the news of her lesbo-nudity, the sexiest woman in the world has turned her attention on the female populace. While she isn’t going for the same technique of making lonely young men/slightly pervy older men masturbate themselves into oblivion, she is still trying to ruin lives through the power of her actions alone.

And while Michael Bay wants her to be a fatty fighting the good fight alongside Shia LaBeouf, the Fox isn’t having any of it. Confessing to something of a ’sweet tooth’ – which, in Hollywood language probably means she eats some things sometimes – she who likes to ruin your day by appearing in some suggestive poses on a normally decent website (usually when you’re innocently looking for celebrity news) has decided she will drink vinegar to help her keep in shape.

Speaking to someone who was apparently writing this stuff down – or recording it – the bushy-tailed one said:

“”It’s just water and raw apple cider vinegar, and it just cleans out your system entirely. It will get rid of, for women who retain water weight, from your menstrual cycle and all that, it gets rid of it really fast (sic). I’m not one for dieting or exercising, ’cause I’m lazy and I have a really big sweet tooth, so I have to do cleanses every once in a while ’cause of the amount of sugar I take in.”"

That just happens to sound utterly disgusting in every way shape and form – even the wording of the sentences brings up the bile. But it would seem the (possibly) evil Megan Fox doesn’t care how much bile we bring up, and she wants to ruin the health of teenage girls around the world (maybe), who are sure to copy her (possibly) in their never-ending quest to look like all the people they see in the magazines.

Just like all the boys want to copy Shia LaBeouf and crash their cars, thus messing up their hands.

We would go on to say something about how the Fox needs some (La)beef in her diet, but even hecklerspray isn’t that cheap. Even if we are struggling with a slow news day, and are resorting to the Charlie Brooker-approved ‘fit as many dodgy keywords into an article as you can’ technique. Professionalism right there, baby.

But try telling that to Disney. Even though she seems more comfortable these days posing vulnerably under satin sheets and draping herself over her father’s lap in an uncomfortably sexual way, Miley Cyrus is still one of Disney’s biggest cash cows. And that’s why the corporation has refused to scrap Miley’s upcoming concert set for Saturday.

However, in a nod to the effect of the scandal and her new audience, Disney has staged a last-minute change of venue for the concert. Now, instead of performing at the sun-dappled Disney World Resort in Orlando, Miley Cyrus will be appearing at a grotty underground basement in front of an audience comprised soley of raincoat-wearing middle-aged, yellow-eyed, nicotine-stained Frenchmen.

Miley Cyrus has been at the centre of a gigantic shitstorm this week. Those not-quite topless Miley Cyrus photos in Vanity Fair have been perhaps the most controversial photos published since those regrettable hecklerspray/ strap-on/ farmyard animal/ nun/ cheesecake snaps of 2004.

The fallout from the Miley Cyrus topless photo scandal has been so red-hot that it’s been inescapable. Photographer Annie Leibovitz has been blamed, Miley Cyrus’ parents have been blamed, the news media has endlessly discussed the fine line between art and manipulation of children, and it’s meant that we’ve all had plenty of chances to see what Miley Cyrus looks like with her top off whether we want to or not.

But one thing’s for certain. Long gone is the old Miley Cyrus, the Miley Cyrus who’d sell a billion records with her fresh-faced wholesome grin and fortunate inability to get pregnant. And in her place is a brand-new, all grown-up Miley Cyrus who isn’t afraid to explore her sexuality in public even though she’s legally not allowed to be sexually active at all until November 2010.

But tell that to Disney. To Disney, Miley Cyrus is the big-eyed redneck face of Hannah Montana who makes them enough money to keep their diamond-encrusted jetski practice pools topped up with fresh unicorn tears all the time.

It doesn’t matter that the wheels are already starting to fall off the Miley Cyrus train, and that this topless photo scandal looks set to destroy Miley’s career for good. If anything, it just means that Miley Cyrus needs to work twice as hard to make Disney as much money as possible before she becomes just another washed up former child star. And that’s why Disney is still wheeling Miley Cyrus out to Disney World this weekend to sing and dance like a monkey on Saturday. E! Online reports:

E! News has confirmed that the 15-year-old, who has been working in Nashville this week on her upcoming Hannah Montana movie, will go forward as planned with a special concert set to take place at (where else?) the Walt Disney World Resort in Orlando on Saturday. As far as Cyrus’ participation continuing as scheduled, Disney spokeswoman Brenda Kelly Grant told E! News that “nothing has changed on our production.”

Actually, maybe Disney has a point. The more it lingers on those Miley Cyrus Vanity Fair photos, the bigger deal it becomes. It’s probably for the best, in fact, that Miley Cyrus ploughs on through as normal, because the pictures will be easily resigned to the past soon enough if she refuses to listen to all the kneejerk outcry coming from smallminded fools.

Plus this way Miley Cyrus gets to use the concert to try out her new songs I’m Just A Sexy Schoolgirl, Can I Lick Your Lollipop? and Wow Daddy (Your Arms Are So Big).

Read more:

Miley Still Working for the Mouse – E! Online

We can’t burn down Miley Cyrus’ house because she’s already apologised to her fans and blamed all the evil grown-ups for exploiting her – so that just leaves Annie Leibovitz, the woman who took the photos of Miley Cyrus in the first place. Let’s get her!

Except we can’t, because Annie Leibovitz has apologised for the Miley Cyrus photos as well. OK, maybe ‘apologised’ is a strong word – instead Annie Leibovitz has called everyone stupid for not appreciating the beauty of her art, but she phrased it like an apology. An apology that we accept. We think. Oh, we’re so confused. Let’s burn down the camera factories!

We’ve just invented a new rule by which to live our lives – we’ll never ever let Annie Leibovitz take our photo. Look at her track record – Annie Leibovitz takes a picture of John Lennon, John Lennon gets shot. Annie Leibovitz takes a picture of the Queen, the controller of BBC1 has to resign. Annie Leibovitz takes a picture of Miley Cyrus, everyone gets so offended that their eyes shrivel up and their brains explode. It’s a pattern, that’s for sure.

The new edition of Vanity Fair shows an Annie Leibovitz picture of Miley Cyrus topless, or at least topless if it weren’t for both of her arms and a giant blanket that covers 90% of her body. Not really topless at all, come to think of it, but that hasn’t stopped Disney Channel spokesmen and outraged groups from frothing and wailing about exploitation and the loss of innocence and child manipulation and whatnot.

However, even though Miley Cyrus and Miley Cyrus’ parents and some of Miley Cyrus’ representatives were present during this ‘topless’ photoshoot and were able to see exactly what all the pictures looked like as they were being taken, Miley Cyrus has already apologised to her fans, claiming that she was somehow tricked into posing for them.

So that puts the blame squarely at the feet of Annie Leibovitz, right? She’s the evil monster who took the photos, so what does she have to say for herself? Is she sorry for being such a child-manipulating witch? Is she? Huh? Turns out she sort of is a bit, as OK reports:

In a statement released on Monday, Annie said: “I’m sorry that my portrait of Miley has been misinterpreted. Miley and I looked at fashion photographs together and we discussed the picture in that context before we shot it. The photograph is a simple, classic portrait, shot with very little makeup, and I think it is very beautiful.”

Beautiful? Ugh, you massive paedo-fetishist! It’s a picture of a mostly-dressed teenager, for god’s sake! That’s sick and disgusting and it might end up slightly reducing the absurd tidal wave of cash that Miley Cyrus has created for Disney! Won’t you think of Disney, Annie Leibovitz, you disgusting monster? What’s Disney going to do for money now? The Aristocats 2? You make us sick, Annie Leibovitz. Sick.

However, if you’re a 15-year-old girl reading this, be sure to take this very important moral from the story: never let a world-renowned photographer take your picture. Feel free to take amateur photos of yourself rolling around in your underwear and upload them onto the internet, because nobody seems to mind too much about those. Just don’t have any less risque ones taken professionally, OK?

Read more:

MILEY PHOTOS WERE ‘MISINTERPRETED’ – OK

As if the recent internet photos of Miley Cyrus whipping her bra out around rolling on a boy’s lap in her underwear weren’t enough, now the web is abuzz with a brand new picture – a picture that shows Miley Cyrus completely topless, or at least as topless as you can be when you’re covered in a blanket. And what’s more, this topless Miley Cyrus photo was taken for well-known spank rag Vanity Fair by that filthy pornographer Annie Leibovitz.

OK, so what actually happened was that one of the world’s most famous photographers took a picture of Miley Cyrus that isn’t really very naked in the slightest. But, hey, that hasn’t stopped Miley Cyrus from apologising for it, the stupid teenage twit.

Miley Cyrus is on a downward spiral and no mistake. Formerly a fresh-faced young tween sensation responsible for the entire Hannah Montana juggernaut, Miley Cyrus was the wholesome poster girl who, despite occasional glimpses of harmless sass, was a good child who loved her parents. And, given that one of those parents is rat-tailed chuffwit Billy Ray Cyrus, that made Miley Cyrus very special indeed.

But then things started to go awry. First Miley Cyrus didn’t wear a seatbelt in public, and then – as these things tend to do – that snowballed and snowballed until Miley Cyrus got her bra out on the internet. But luckily, Miley Cyrus’ run of irresponsible behaviour ended right there and she never did anything controversial ever again.

Except, you know, all those topless photos Miley Cyrus had taken for Vanity Fair. Did we mention those?

Yes, it looks like Miley Cyrus has had a topless photo done. Honestly, talk about bad timing – this is probably the worst timing that we’ve ever seen involving the publication of a 15-year-old girl’s topless photos. Or at least it would be if Miley Cyrus was actually, you know, topless in any of them.

Recently Miley Cyrus was interviewed for Vanity Fair magazine, and posed for photos with Annie Leibovitz – the woman responsible for one of the most famous photos of all time, plus the photo that made the Queen get all pretend-spazzy last year.

And, as well as being taken by a respected artist for a well-renowned magazine, none of Miley Cyrus pictures are actually topless. The most revealing photo shows Miley wrapped in a blanket with both of her arms covering everything that could be considered as even slightly indecent. So it’s all a bit of a storm in a teacup, really – one that’s been whipped up by kneejerking reactionaries with nothing better to do. In fact, Miley Cyrus would be acting like the worst kind of backtracking celebrity arsehole to apologise to these idiots.

So Miley Cyrus has apologised for the topless photos. Did we mention that? People reports:

“My goal in my music and my acting is always to make people happy. For Vanity Fair, I was so honored and thrilled to work with Annie [Leibovitz]. I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be ‘artistic’ and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed.” … In its own statement about the Vanity Fair story, the Disney Channel, which broadcasts Cyrus’s series Hannah Montana, said: “Unfortunately, as the article suggests, a situation was created to deliberately manipulate a 15-year-old in order to sell magazines.”

Yeah, how dare Vanity Fair manipulate an innocent 15-year-old girl, and also manipulate her parents and minders who were present during the photoshoot as well and who saw the images as they were being taken thanks to the wonders of digital photography. Sneaky bastards.

It’s all quite ridiculous, but it’s given us an idea for a brilliant new game. Next time Miley Cyrus goes out wearing, say, green shoes, we’re going to bitch and wail and kick up a stink about the fact that Miley Cyrus is wearing green shoes like a slut and that she’s only 15 for god’s sake and a role-model to millions. If enough people complain with us, maybe we can force an apology out of Miley Cyrus for that, too. Maybe she’ll even insinuate that she was tricked into wearing green shoes by an evil adult again. Brilliant!

Anyway, despite all the fuss, these ‘topless’ Miley Cyrus photos might even be good for her career in the long run – look what happened after Lindsay Lohan had those topless photos taken.

Yeah, we’re basically saying that we want to see Miley Cyrus get apeshit drunk in a club. What of it?

Read more:

Miley Cyrus: I’m Sorry for Photos – People

Image: Vanity Fair/ Annie Leibovitz