Alright, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony made horrible music together. And some genuinely terrible films. But at least they looked happy, and that’s what’s important. Except that they’re probably not happy, since they’ve both been seen without their wedding rings lately, sparking rumours of an impending divorce.

Apparently it’s all because Jennifer Lopez thinks Marc Anthony is too controlling – plus Marc is furious about that time he got sucked halfway up J-Lo’s bumhole when she bent over and created a giant vacuum.

Jennifer Lopez loves marriage. You can tell because all her films are about marriage. The Wedding Planner, Monster-In-Law, harrowing domestic abuse drama Enough – hopelessly romantic pro-marriage gigglefests each and every one.

But in case you’ve decided that you’ll never watch a Jennifer Lopez movie for fear that halfway through you’ll go mad, pull out your eyes and get led from the cinema by paramedics with a delighted look on your face, you’ll still know how much Jennifer Lopez loves getting married. This is because Jennifer Lopez gets married all the bloody time.

In her time, Jennifer Lopez has been married to that man she sued because he wrote a book about her, a sort of Federline-lite named Chris Judd and, most recently, Marc Anthony. And, like many people, we assumed that Jennifer Lopez would stay with Marc Anthony forever.

This is because Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are inseparable – they make films together, they go on tour together, they have babies together – and also because, when they stand side-by-side, Marc Anthony’s weird ratty face diverts people’s attention away from Jennifer Lopez’s gigantic planet-sized buttocks. Really, they are the perfect fit.

Except they might not be. Reports are suggesting that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are on the cusp of divorce. According to Newsday:

The hullabaloo began when Us magazine posted a story online noting that Lopez attended a movie premiere without her 8-carat diamond engagement ring, her wedding band – or her husband. Anthony, meanwhile, was reportedly seen in Las Vegas a week earlier, without his wedding band. “He’s very, very controlling of her.” a close Anthony pal told Us. “The skirts aren’t as short. You don’t see so much of that booty anymore.”

For what it’s worth, both Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony say that their marriage is fine, which could mean a) their marriage really is fine and they both just had to take their wedding rings off because of residual finger-swell stemming from the time that they were both attacked by hand-obsessed adders in their sleep or b) they’ll be divorced by Easter.

Either way, it’s terribly sad news. Terribly sad because Jennifer Lopez has a nasty habit of making films with people she’s romantically involved with and, if she divorces Marc Anthony and takes up with someone else, that all but guarantees that Jennifer Lopez will make another film. Haven’t we all suffered enough, Jennifer? Haven’t we?

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If you thought the rumours about Ashlee Simpson’s pregnancy were put to bed when her fiance Pete Wentz called them ‘crazy’ earlier in the week are true, then think again. It’s been reported that Ashlee Simpson really is pregnant all along and that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson want to get married as soon as possible before she gets all swollen and crap.

But why did Pete Wentz say Ashlee Simpson wasn’t pregnant when she really was? Was he telling the truth, making up a barefaced lie or is he just a bit stupid? We wouldn’t like to say, but let’s not forget that he is in Fall Out Boy, so the stupidity option probably shouldn’t be discounted.

When Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz suddenly got engaged last week, it was hard not to get a little bit misty-eyed about it all. After all, the dictionary definition of romance literally is ‘rushing into a shotgun marriage with someone because you accidentally got her pregnant and now you feel dutybound to adhere to an outmoded convention by a desperate sense of guilt.’

That’s because the instant Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson got engaged, the pregnancy rumours started to zap around. They made a lot of sense, too, because neither Pete Wentz or Ashlee Simpson were at the age that you’d need to be to realise that Pete Wentz or Ashlee Simpson was the best you could do.

However, yesterday Pete Wentz denied Ashlee Simpson’s pregnancy to the world. In fact, Pete Wentz more than denied it – he likened the speculation to a witch hunt, called it ‘crazy’ and said that he couldn’t wait for the rumours about him being gay as well. Which is odd, because Pete’s denial has only made the pregnancy speculation stronger, especially since Ashlee Simpson won’t deny that it’s true. People reports:

Ashlee Simpson is pregnant and plans to get married next month at a private residence in Southern California, a source close to her family tells PEOPLE… On Tuesday, Simpson sidestepped the rumors during an interview with MTV after taping TRL in New York, saying simply, “Some things you want to keep personal.” And now the source tells PEOPLE that not only is Simpson pregnant, but that she’s planning to have her wedding in May at a friend’s house.

However, at the moment it’s the word of Pete Wentz against the word of an unnamed source, so nobody can say for sure if Ashlee Simpson really is pregnant or not. Maybe Pete Wentz was right when he said that there was no baby. But then again, maybe he was wrong.

And if Ashlee Simpson really is pregnant – and Pete Wentz said that the speculation was a witch hunt – then it’s pretty much conclusive proof that witch hunts work. If anything, Pete Wentz is urging us to go on even more witch hunts. Literal witch hunts for actual witches.

Admittely we could just wait a few months to see if Ashlee Simpson is displaying any signs of pregnancy, or we could just start setting suspicious-looking women on fire because we think they’re witches immediately. Whichever one Pete Wentz wants us to do, we’ll do.

Read more:

Source: Ashlee Simpson Pregnant, Planning Wedding for May – People

According to Actress Archives, Beyonce was recently spotted in NYC with her belly seemingly being pushed out from the inside – a phenomenon synonymous with pregnant women. And fat people. And people with hernias. And people with pillows under their shirt.

But, what with the recent out-of-the-blue wedding reports, pregnancy is the most realistic choice and, according to OK! Magazine, a source close to the couple told them:

“I’ve heard from at least two people that Beyonce is pregnant.”

It is also supposed that a “big magazine” will report the news this coming week on their front cover.

Word is that Beyonce’s devout Christian father, Matthew Knowles, got a whiff of the pregnancy rumours and demanded that they get married, or else our all-loving, all-powerful lord God will make Jay, B, and little baby Knowles-Z burn in eternal hell fire. And with that as the alternative, who can blame ‘em?

Even her little sister, Solange, has been speculating about Beyonce becoming a mother. She told People.com:

“Whenever Beyonce decides to have a child, I definitely think she’ll be banging on my door. She’s kept my son over the weekend. She’ll call me like, ‘How do you get this stroller out? And what about the car seat? I don’t know how you do this!’ And I’m like, ‘People do it every day’.”

So, are the rumours true? What’s it to you; how about you mind your own bloody business and keep out of theirs?

Unless of course they do make the news public to a “big magazine”, in which case they’ll be set up for the same insulting invasions of privacy that Christina Aguilera’s leprechaun-faced baby-freak got – the ugly fucking idiot.

Read More – Is Newly Wed Beyonce With Baby Bump? – Actress Archives

Read More – Beyonce Takes Lessons In Motherhood From Sister – SFGate