Everyone just take a deep breath for a minute. We understand that you all feel hurt and that something like this could have happened; we know, we know, it means a lot to all of us. None of us wanted this to happen, but different people have different opinions of things.

It’s not the end of the World. We all liked Watchmen, even you lot at the back who say that the book is one of the greatest novels ever written and that Zach Snyder should be repeatedly anally violated with laminated copies of The Beano in penance for his heinous crime. Yes yes, the giant alien octopus is a much better plot point than the threat of nuclear war. Of course.

To make it up to you, and maybe bring a bit of happy into your clearly unhappy lives, we’ve got some fantastic Alan Moore news to contend with the whole “Before Watchmen” thing.

Turns out that Alan Moore isn’t finished with the League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen “universe” and will be revisiting it later on in the year, after his LoEG: Century series comes to it’s, probably weird and time bending, conclusion. Super exciting news, make no mistake.

Moore revealed in a webchat where no one took their clothes off, and is now classed as a waste of time, that he will continue the story of Captain Nemo and that he has written 40 pages of the forty-eight page story. Titled “Nemo: Heart Of Ice“, and set in the Antarctic, the story will see what Nemo is up to during the 1920s. We imagine that there will be a cameo from the House of Eliot sisters.

And maybe Emmeline Pankhurst making a great cup of tea.

We’d all like that wouldn’t we?

It’s Friday and the hecklerspray bedsit has breathed a collective sigh of relief as they’re allowed out into the world to live among functioning humans for a couple of days. Unfortunately, I’m still here as there are Readers’ Letters to be analysed. Still, it’s nice to have a bit of peace and quiet to work. No Mof Gimmers shouting about codpieces, no Sophie Hall shouting at Kris Wood for making a reclining chair out of sausage and no Euan L Davidson, breathing heavily in my ear.

Yes folks, Fridays are the nicest time to be in the bedsit. It’s easier to sit in “the clean chair” and the stale stench of discarded cigarettes and methylated spirits is beginning to lift. Unfortunately, that means that the foetid stench of the hecklerspray post bag is coming through loud and clear.

It stings the nostrils.

This week has seen some of our most preposterous correspondence to date. Even long-forgotten artists of yesteryear are getting a mention from the lobotomised dingbats that frequently troll their way through the site. What, you don’t believe me?

How about Justine Clark who got in touch to, and I’m not making this up, offer an opinion on Daniel Bedingfield, the artistic equivalent of a beige dining room:

You talk absolute crap re: Daniel Bedingfield in my opinion. His CD Gotta Get Thru This is totally amazing as far as I’m concerned. This is why art is so wonderful and the media is so crucifying. You annoy me immensly and if only you were that spider you so lovingly spoke about.

Art is wonderful, of course. Daniel Bedingfield’s artistic craft and vision is outmatched only by his sister, Thingy Bedingfield. Of course, it’s not just music that’s an art form.

Some people believe television is art, a sensory waltz for the pleasure of your eyes. That’s probably why people react so well to the colourful dribblings of the Tellytubbies or their grown-up version, Noel Fielding’s Luxury Comedy:

I can see why some people really wouldn’t enjoy this show. But personally, I thought it was brilliant. Haha. I adore Noel Fielding and his work, I always have. But what saddens me is that this show has been getting so many negative reviews.
What people need to really understand is that this show is NOT The Mighty Boosh. It never will be. Julian Barratt DOESN’T need to be in this show, because that would basically make it The Mighty Boosh.
Noel can be independent. Let him. Give the show a chance, guys. You’ve only seen one episode. Noel worked quite hard on it.

There we go folks. Artistic vision is not based on the worth or the quality of the finished piece, it’s based on how hard you work. We should have given Luxury Comedy more of a chance, of course. It was wrong of us to judge it on the strength of just one episode and we realise now that next week’s instalment of Carpet Badger’s Woodland Rainbow Experience will likely be one that pushes it into an entirely new realm of comedic existence.

Or it will continue to be pervasively shite for the rest of its run.

On the bright side at least, he’s not Brad Pitt who, according to this five year old article has a tiny penis. Mind you, that’s according to Juliette Lewis who doesn’t seem to have brilliant depth perception. Luckily, Brad has the world’s slowest rapid-response unit to stick up for his pecker.

A woman is more than acunt and a man is more thanacock. This is a very small woman with a need to talk down to a man she hates to admire. Bradly Pitt is a very BIG man where it counts most to be big. He has a big heart, a big bank account and lots of kids with very BIG love for their dad. Also, Brad’s wife respects him which places them both as close to Hollywoody as the planet Mars. Its a real tribute for them to come off as martians in Hollywood where no human thing lasts for long no matter what its size. And another thing about size… In Hollywood the size of a THING is closest to the hearts of men, only a man who loves women would care less about who is unimpressed with the size ofhisSHOE. Pisson HayawathaKuntababe who coulda shoulda woulda but wasn’t anything at all.

Decipher the nonsensical crap and that’s quite a pleasant comment. Men and women shouldn’t be judged on things that they can’t help. Although, not everyone shares the same opinion of people. Remember homophobic git-drip Diane Richardson from last week’s Readers’ Letters? Well, this week she’s back with one of the most sexually menacing comments we’ve ever had:

I am not a moron, i can lay on my bed and put a 14? dildo into my anus until its disappeared and you wont even see a flinch in my eye, can either of you to dipshits do that, the answer is NO !!
What planet are you guys living on, everyone knows that the deeper you can put something into your ass, the smarter you are, so you had better straighten up because i am obviously far superior to either of you.
As for you JOANNA, you probably couldnt even get your pinkie finger in your ass, thats how dumb you are…………Retard !!

Make sure you don’t puncture any vital organs while you’re doing that, Diane. Of course, the insertion of floppy, phallic objects into oneself is high on the agenda of one Paris Jackson, daughter of Michael. She’s pre-destined to have really kinky, unprotected sex with Justin Bieber, according to God. Naturally, the whine of pernicious cunts that call themselves Michael Jackson fans are furious about this biblical necessity:

Whoever wrote this article is a fucking dickhead! You have no respect for anyone whatsoever. Maybe your just jealous coz no one gives you the sex-eye you fuckwit. Excuse my language but you deserve it doochebag. RIP MJ. We love you man. I wish Paris the best in life. Not so much of a fan of Beiber but..whatever.

We also wish Paris the best in life. Perhaps she’ll have a child out of wedlock with young Bieber and it can grow up to be the second coming of Christ, given the religious following that both precocious brats have. Still, at least that was polite compared to DharmaRepublic’s effort, who decided to call us Nazis:

THIS IS MEANT TO A WEBSITE?..news?..entertainment??..or is it the Nazi guide to news….from a Christian perspective?

lol..

GROWN UP GOSSIP…lmAOooOOoo,….hahah

some people REALLY DO DELUDE THEMSELVES DONT THEY….like the creators of such errr…..Site .

This is definitely a website. The fact that it can be read on the internet should be the first clue. Of course, the Nazi guide to news wouldn’t have a Christian perspective, as such but given that DharmaRepublic laughs at their own “jokes” using the term “lmAOooOOoo”, it’s hardly surprising to see them not understanding that.

On the bright side, at least they’re not threatening us with physical violence. Unlike the inimitable Stefani, who was so upset about the Michael Jackson Glee episode that she threatened us with actual bodily harm.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS FUCK ARTICLE ABOUT? STUPID ASSFUCKER IMMA KILL AND SMASH YO ASS AND EAT IT!

Given that the charming Stefani seems to believe that ‘assfucker’ is a biting insult, we’re surprised to see that she would be absolutely fine with eating the anus of our writer. Then again, Michael Jackson fans will do anything to imitate their spiritual leader Uri Geller.

That’s it for this week, folks. We hope you’ve enjoyed this sickening display of fatuousness and we’ll leave you with this:

I think this is a real great blog. Keep writing.

Just kidding, we’ll actually leave you with this:

Fuck you – you little tick terd. You’re a shithead like your buddy Stuart.

‘Til next week, you piss-stains.

Any child of the nineties will remember not wanting to go to school. Not because the education system was as messed up as Chloe Sims’ face, or because of the taunts of  the three stripe-clad knuckle-draggers who marked themselves as the school’s social elite.

It was because they wanted nothing more than to watch The Big Breakfast.

The alternative breakfast show has been hosted by pretty much everyone on television, but really came into its own with Johnny Vaughan and Denise Van Outen at the helm. It was brash, bright and loud: just what a child wants instead of stupid Maths and History. Tell the truth, where has Maths or History ever got you that knowing how to sing the ‘Vital Statistics’ song hasn’t? Nowhere, that’s where.

Well Children of the 90s rejoice and unite, because rumours flying around the internet and now your brain, is that the Big Breakfast is coming back to our screens to coincide with the Olympics this year. Probably to cheer everyone up before having to endure packed Tubes and buses for two whole, solid weeks. And that’s just the ceremony itself!

Although nothing is set in stone, and the whole project looks unlikely given that Chris Evans and Johnny Vaughan have their own careers on radio and the like, but isn’t the thought of it just absolutely ball tingling ?

The site of the Big Breakfast House was compulsory purchased to go with the 2012 Summer Olympics plan put forward by the government, so it’s looking likely that the site will be used for something to do with the Olympics, and it may just be a case of wishful thinking. For all we know, it could be the place where all the chemical toilets are emptied.

However, any reason to have Liza Tarbuck back on our screens is fine with us, so come on Hecklersprayers! Let’s start some sort of grass roots campaign to get the Big Breakfast back on our TV. It’s when Johnny Vaughan was super-hot.

That might just be us.

Runaway bride Simon Cowell has broken off another relationship, this time to his makeup artist Mezhgan Husaiany.

“It’s quite a complicated relationship. We have had a break from each other, and we are still incredibly close,” Cowell told The Sunday Mirror. “I’m vulnerable. It’s not on, it’s not off, it’s somewhere in the middle. I don’t know if I will ever get married, but I am happy.”

You know how painful it is when you drop an M&M and it rolls under the sofa, and is juuussstttttt out of your reach? Welcome to Mezghan Husaiany’s life.

Why would Simon Cowell want to get married? He’s so rich that he could walk into a christening, drop-kick the baby over the font and he’d still leave with the phone number of half the congregation.

Simon Cowell is famous for three things; an oddly-smooth Frankenstein-esque forehead, unnaturally high-waisted trousers and the habit of leaving ex-girlfriends with huge pay-offs. He’s like a modern-day Professor Higgins – picking humble girls out of the gutter, teaching them to speak all puurrrttty, then setting them up in multi-million-dollar mansions.

Unlike our last relationship, where our pay off was a keyed-up car and a strongly worded letter from a lawyer.

Instead of playing out this awkward Ross-and-Rachel-on-and-off-yes-that-does-count-as-cheating-you-bastard snooze-fest Hussainy should just take the money and run.

Happy New Year, you jerk-offs. A lot of you have been snivelling onto us, trying to get us to bring back Readers’ Letters so that you don’t have to trawl through our articles looking for all the nut jobs that believe we’re being serious (which we are, obviously) and to you we say only this.

FINE, JEEZ.

You’re so needy. Look at you, sitting there like overgrown babies desperately waiting to read about all the people that hate us so that you can make a mental note of the kind of thing to bombard us with over the next week.

You’re the worst kind of scum and that’s why we love you. Anyway, for the first time in 2012, let’s take a dive into our putrid postbag shall we?

First up this week is a man that will definitely have kicked the bucket by the end of 2012, Mr Barry Manilow. The easy-listening zombie still has some fervent fans who spend their time kicking around Google News, waiting for someone to care enough about him to write something. Like our friend JW for instance:

First of all, it’s obvious you haven’t done ANY homework at all, you jackass! Barry did NOT have hip replacement surgery. He had the abductor muscles and the bursas repaired!

Are you jealous of him because he has more people adoring him than you will ever have? He’s earned everything he has and earned all the fans he has. God bless him for being 68 years young and still going like he was 30. Have you ever seen his show? If not, you have no right to say anything. He isn’t called the “showman of our Generation” for nothing. It’s one of the best shows I’ve ever seen and I’ve seen a lot of them.

And just an FYI for your 20 IQ……..It is Michael Jackson who gets the blue ribbon for the weirdest face in pop music! YOU should look as good as Barry does!

You didn’t even have the guts to put your name on this. No balls????

Nice!! oh wait … yes nice a boson get trapped in your head and thts fenomenal! Because its the only thing inside!
And PF at the olimpia will be fenomenal too.

If you can translate this then please leave us a comment. We’ve had it pinned up in the bedsit for almost a week and we’ve got as far as “Higgs Boson in your head” and that’s about it. Still, at least it prompted one reader to cry out for a return of Readers’ Letters.

I think it is time to bring back the reader’s letters column.

See? Oh well, at least they know what we’re all about, unlike this Robert Pattinson fan:

You are a complete idiot. Who cares what you think.

You, apparently. When you spend so much time trawling the internet looking for people who are bad-mouthing your masturbatory fantasy only to then comment on said articles telling them how little they understand about what makes the object of your fizzy pants great then you are the one who cares what we think. Just thought we’d make that perfectly clear.

Still, at least Ella might get it:

Is this column some form of satire?

If this was Family Fortunes an alarm would sound and Ella would have just won an attractive fridge-freezer. As it stands she wins the hecklerspray award for stating the fucking obvious. Then again, it’s not just hateful nonsense that we get on our articles. This next correspondent believes that we are some kind of official contact channel to the team behind Jackass and left this comment on a picture of the departed Ryan Dunn.

hi jackass i would like to be replacing Ryan Dunn in jackass 3d full penetration because i have seen the preview of the movie and i have done the kind of stunts before if you want me to join jackass 3d call me on __________ my name is Daniel Kemble 11.5 i live at ____________ my postcode is 5164 once again i have done those kind of stunts before i would love for you to read this message one of the remaining of the funniest crew ever and i am deeply sorry for the passing of Ryan Dunn i hope to be in the new jackass movie that you guys are still filming because of Ryan’s passing and i am sorry for saying that i hope you call me about the replacement of Ryan Thank’s hope you guys get this real soon

Bloody hell. Still, even that’s not as weird as this interesting little ditty from Mr. Alexander Simon who has some obscure opinion on the divorce of Avril Lavigne and the one with the big nose from Sum 41.

A LION’S SHARE! Second Verse

Hunger cries the Lion;s Heart,
As Heat warms bones dry and waiting …;
Teeth open and thirst edded open for girl waiting!

Hair like mother’s monetary;
Cool simmer of frame;
A girl new and caring;
Whet and win; as sun does dance like new sun!

A lovely carpet sand and dance, a love!

Swoon and river red boils hot open …,
Man Lion and Woman Lion Garel and stir the wind dressed tumble;

Hot is whet and whet is more …;
Girl and boy dance and whirl in sand and lock in heat;
And fire … more in sand and waist not a taste!

Moments are days and days are months … time is longer;
He kisser Her with teeth locked into her groin;
Steady now Lady I give you, my lock;
Babies in seven months;
All makes a Lion no sweet tonight!

The moon is cool, calm is bed,
One month in morphine heaven are babies read!

With a battle and brother red with smile;
Dead is father not brother amile!
-#30-

Err… right. If anyone has any idea then please do leave us a comment and let us know what the hell we’ve just experienced. We’re afraid to go outside at night.

So while we cower in the bedsit, we’ll leave you with this honest and frank confession by andy j.b:

im a fat bellend

Right, fuck off. We’ll see you next week. Same Batshit Crazy Time, Same Batshit Crazy Place.

Diversify or Die?

Folded

• Become a Spy! – Seriously…
• The Killing – Having a hard time working it out? Well, no longer with this handy guide which will help you through the colloquialisms and references. Perhaps you might want to move to Denmark by the end of it as you’ll be such an aficionado of the culture.
• Hasselhoff Is Off - No more Hoff Hassling on Britain’s Got Talent. The unfortunate trade-off of which being that Simon Cowell is coming back. Lock up Sinitta!
• Could Clarkson Get Sacked? – Regardless of your opinion about his comments on The One Show (shame on you for watching it, by the way), the idea that he could get sacked will come as good news to anyone who wants to see him presenting his own version of The Wright Stuff on Channel 5. What would it be called? Answers on a postcard…
• Abraham Lincoln – No, we’re not just really behind the times with this but those in the UK should have a look at this reappraisal of the man. It makes you question the very fabric of everything we know about America. Or does it? Seriously, watch it and find out for yourself you lazy sod.

Creased

• Star Wars Prequels – They could have been so much better.
• Tory Council – WE WILL NOT ASSOCIATE WITH EUROPE!
• RBS - Hang on, they owned a pub chain?!
• A Green Day Musical – Sure, we didn’t mind it existing but now it’s coming to the UK? This must not be allowed.
• The Passing of Gary Speed – Much as it isn’t our place to comment, the passing of a bona fide footballing legend is always something that will completely and utterly creased.

Here at hecklerspray we’d never dream of gossiping or making crude or childish remarks about celebrities or their sexual preferences.  The depraved acts we’ve considered in the bedsit alone (and not counting the ones we’ve scheduled for the Christmas party) are enough to make any sane person question their sexuality, so we’d never judge anyone.

But then again, we are also enormous liars who will make fun of anyone silly enough to be famous for a living.

WE HEARD THAT WOLVERINE LIKES THE  WARM TOUCH OF SOMEONE EQUALLY HAIRY AND MALE!!

It’s true, the rumours that Hugh Jackman is gay have been around for a while, but it seems that his wife of 15 years, Deborra-Lee Furness, has decided to dismiss these rumours publicly, making us all feel like terrible people for feeding the evil gossip machine.

She roared:

“The line I heard was, ‘Wolverine? Who would have thought?’ Hugh and I don’t pay much heed.”

“It’s kind of tragic that these people have nothing better to do than gossip about people they don’t know.”

We feel it’s more two-faced and tragic to gossip about people we do know, so we’re not falling for that one.

But don’t worry, she still fancies the arse off him.

“I do think he’s the sexiest man alive, and I’d hope every woman would think her husband was.”

Oh shut up. You’re married to Hugh Jackman. What would you know?

“I was always saying I’d marry somebody sensible, like a stockbroker. So he dresses up for that fantasy for me occasionally.”

Brilliant idea. Divert attention from the gay rumours by telling the world your husband sometimes wears a suit and acts like a prick. Hugh Jackman also insists he’s not gay.

In 2009 he said:

“I’d be happy to go and deny being gay, because I’m not. But by denying it, I’m saying there is something shameful about it, and there isn’t anything shameful.

“The questions about sexuality I find more in America than anywhere else, because it’s a big hang-up and defines what people think about themselves and others.”

We’re hoping at some point he’ll also deny dressing up like a stockbroker. This is just wrong.

So there you have it. We have no idea if Hugh Jackman is gay or straight as we’re not all hung up about it like those Americans but while you make up your own sweet minds, here’s a nice video of Hugh.

Enjoying being ‘theatrical’ and being in musicals and that.

WHAT?

Sarah Harding, or the blonde one from Girls Aloud, has spent the last wee while in rehab. Did you know that?

No, neither did we.

Is it that no-one told us or simply that the admission of a celebrity to rehab has become so commonplace that we now spend more time focussing on what Daniel O’Donnell’s up to. He’s nice. Grans like Daniel O’Donnell.

Sarah Harding doesn’t though. She thinks he’s boring and once interrupted a West

London club night to go on a forty-five minute tirade about how he was “dull” and that he should give her all of his doubloons. Yes, Ms. Harding had well and truly lost her shit.

After splitting from DJ boyfriend Tom Crane the Girls Aloud star seemed to hit rock bottom and with her angry tirade against “clean-cut bastard” O’Donnell, those closest to her told her that she should probably check into rehab before she was burned at the stake by a procession of furious Grandmothers.

Last week reports claimed that Harding and Crane (not a Law Firm) had decided to have another go at resurrecting their relationship, with Crane (a big O’Donnell fan) said to have forgiven Harding for her furious outbursts.

A friend, or someone from her PR company, told the Sunday Mirror:

“They’ve been in regular contact throughout her time away but only on the phone. They’ve spoken most days and it seems like they could have a chance of giving it another shot. She still loves Tommy… she’s just not sure if things can get back to where they were.”

Isn’t that nice? Harding will be back in the UK to celebrate her 30th birthday and it is thought that her loving family have bought her a private show with the Irish singer. Lucky, lucky girl.

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There’s only one way to start an article about Piers Morgan and that’s with an unabashed string of obscenities and threats aimed squarely at the former Mirror editor and dough-faced clown. Unfortunately though, we have to be (minutely) more professional than that and would therefore urge you to launch your own insults at this image of his pompous face.

Still, what brings us to bother writing about alleged phone-hacker and self-confessed crymaxer, Morgan?

Well, it turns out that he’s had enough of being a sideshow to Howie Mandel (whoever the hell that is) and is taking time out to focus on becoming America’s most hated Pariah.

He’s not quitting the media though. Oh no. He makes far too much cash to do that.

Luckily for us, Morgan has decided that the American public gives two hoots about his opinion on US politics and is going to focus on presenting upcoming news events like the 2012 presidential election in which Herman Cain will undoubtedly win because, as their enjoyment of Piers Morgan shows, America loves an absolute dickhead.

Speaking on his CNN programme, which we still can’t believe he has, Morgan said:

“I can exclusively reveal that I’m leaving ‘America’s Got Talent. I’ve loved every single second, but discovered that juggling, to my surprise really is a bit more difficult than I thought.”

Morgan took a moment to thank charity-botherer and Crown Prince of the Calculated PR Move Simon Cowell for the opportunity, stating that he would be nowhere if he hadn’t taken pity on him.

Okay, he didn’t actually say that but we imagine that’s what Simon Cowell heard.

Rumour has it that Morgan has thrown his hat into the ring to present The Oscars after incumbent host Eddie Murphy bowed out of the show on Wednesday, declaring that he wasn’t interested unless he could host, present and win all the awards while dressed as different characters.

Piers Morgan presenting The Oscars. Imagine it for a second. Now clean up your vomit.

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Professional headcase Tom Cruise has admitted to being terrified of the melodic word with his fear coming to a very public fore while filming his new waste of time “Rock Of Ages”.

Tom Cruise is well renowned throughout the world, both as an actor, a producer and as someone who doesn’t know when a franchise is dead (See: Mission: Impossible) but his ability to sing has never been called into question. Even in 1983 “classic” Risky Business, Tom used Bob Seger as a voice double during his trouserless performance of Old Time Rock n’ Roll.

Let’s be fair to Tom though, singing is a terrifying experience. One need only spend five minutes in the company of a Glee Survivor to know that not only are their vocal chords destroyed, their careers are all-but ruined by incessant autotune abuse. DARE to say no to singing.

Still, Cruise will be playing a character called Stacee Jaxx (RAWK!) in the Hollywood version of the Broadway play, meaning he’ll be strapping on some leather trousers and cracking out his best Lulu impression to hit some of rock’s classic tracks.

Apparently, singing is more terrifying than any stunt he’s ever performed. Even that one where he climbs a mountain without any safety harnesses wearing a horrible pair of sunglasses. Or the one where he punches a helicopter out of the air (stay tuned for Ghost Protocol). He told the LA Times:

“They all have their risks.”

Most things do. The actor shied away from thanking Aliens or Master Hubbard for his “god”-given musical talent, instead deciding to thank his earthly oracle and How I Met Your Mother guest star- Katie Holmes-Cruise:

“I had started dancing because I was inspired by my wife. She kept saying, ‘You’ve got to do a musical sometime’.

“Kate’s a dancer, so she would say, ‘Let’s go to dance class’, and she would take us and that’s how I kind of came up with the idea of Les Grossman doing hip-hop. And then to take it to this level with this? It was really fun.”

It better be, Tom. It better be.

Runned or Gunned?

Folded

• Dream Themes – Here they are performing some lovely themes at the Frank Sidebottom fundraiser.
• A History Of Film – Ever wondered what classic films would be like starring Keith Chegwin? Ponder no longer.
• Gink – It could be the future of Social Netbloinking. Or… not.
• The Brazilian Police – No fucking about there.
• Heineken Flashmobs – Aside from the fact that this video is a massive reacharound of biblical proportions for the smug advertising insiders, it’s still pretty good and something we missed at the time.

Creased

• Westlife – They’re going to perform at Children In Need despite saying they’ve split up. Keep your promises, you saccharine sacks of shite.
• Herman Cain – The poor, deluded, wonderful bastard just can’t keep his hands to himself. Fancy $45k? Just get within arse-grabbing distance of this presidential nutbag.
• 007 Skyfall – Yes, the new James Bond film has a title that will either see a giant, inexplicable “space laser” or Daniel Craig sitting around crying into a pair of Eva Green’s dirty pants. Still, surely it can’t be worse than Quantum of Solace. Can it?
• Respiratory Science - People really get grants for this kind of thing.
• Worldwide Finance – Naturally.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or face dire consequences or ‘Like’ us on Facebook or BUY ONE OF OUR T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU LOVE… & your little dog too!

Every week, we have the unfortunate task of picking our way through your crusted correspondence to find the most depraved, hideous scrawlings to put on the site for everyone to laugh at. This week, it was a little bit easier as our drooling mass of a readership left a slug trail right to some of the most sexually-charged content that has ever deposited itself in our post bag thanks to a certain Ms. Scarlett Johansson.

Yes, everyone’s favourite bombshell had her phone hacked as hecklerspray brought the curious masses a skin-exclusive and everyone wanted to get in touch to reveal their masturbatory habits. There’s also veiled threats from Kasabian’s representatives, a singing Michael Jackson and a screaming INXS nutter, all with Editor Mof just over the jump.

Remember to click ‘HD’ to see Mof in all his terrifying glory.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

It is a truth passed down from generation to generation amongst Hollywood’s glittering elite. There’s no reason to make something if you can remake something. Hollywood film executives are willing to remake or reboot any film or franchise in the pursuit of artistic fulfilment*.

From tat like The Day The Earth Stood Still to horror classics like Dracula, it’s nigh-on impossible to escape the pervasive influence of the Hollywood remake in modern cinema. Hollywood is even willing to remake remakes and reboot reboots. One need only look at the treatment of The Incredible Hulk & Spiderman to see that Hollywood’s pursuit of film-making perfection** is a rolling juggernaut of epic proportions.

These big-money remakes of classics usually focus on films and characters that are omnipresent in the minds of the public, encouraging a sense of anticipation as idiots clamber over one-another to see the first teaser trailer on Youtube, while cynics raise their flared nostrils skywards and sniff loudly that it’s never going to be as good as the original.

Even the ‘modern classics’ aren’t safe. Those films that people loved as children for being cheese-filled romps full of dance sequences and genuinely awful dialogue are being recreated for the Glee generation. Just look at Footloose, a film so terrible the first time around that both Kenny Loggins & Kevin Bacon still have night terrors where they’re being chased around a small town by the blood-vomiting, putrefying corpse of John Lithgow. Now it is the turn of 1991 Surf ‘Em Up, Point Break to fall into the crosshairs of the Hollywood snipers.

Say what you want about the original Point Break; it’s not terribly good but it’s not terribly terrible. It is, without a doubt, one of those films that people remember fondly until they sit down to watch it one night and realise that they’d rather be face down in a shell-hole being stabbed in the back by a rusty bayonet than watching Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze play some hard-surfing, hard-loving, hard-men with Gary Busey thrown in to really ramp up the crazy factor.

Therefore, it’s the perfect film for Hollywood’s razor-taloned vultures to get involved with.

The remake has been picked up by Warner Bros & Alcon Entertainment who seem keen to get the film cranked out as quickly as possible, presumably in order to give it that rough, unprepared, ill-conceived notion that runs through most modern cinema. Yes, it really is a golden*** generation.

The film doesn’t have a director yet but movie-goers should have no fear. It already has a screenplay by Kurt Wimmer. Kurt Wimmer is the man behind 2010′s Angelina Jolie vehicle Salt. A statement released by Alcon Entertainment said, amongst other things:

“Kurt’s take infuses the story and characters with new twists and settings. We’re very excited to be in business with Kurt, and Michael DeLuca, Chris Taylor, and John Baldecchi.”

This is Kurt Wimmer the man who- in case you missed it- wrote Salt, one of the least original films ever made by human hands. Luckily for Wimmer it would have been the least original film ever made but Tom Cruise had to drop out of the part and it was hastily re-written for Angelina Jolie.

Anyone unfamiliar with Wimmer’s work should watch any Steven Seagal film, replace the strong male protagonist with a strong female protagonist and imagine a twist that’s as insultingly blatant as asking a young police constable to hold your passport while you beat his grandmother about the head using his own truncheon.

We can only assume that these are the twists to which the Alcon Statement refers. We can only hope that the new Point Break will follow Salt’s lead and include an obvious set-up for a sequel which it will never get.

*Cash

**Money

***Bullion

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Reason or Rhyme?

Folded

• The Tripoli Grand Prix 1937 – It’s cooler than all of us.
• Arrested Development - Yes, the film is happening.
• Captain America – It might not be totally awful! Great! The whole Northern Quarter of Manchester will be delighted.
• Matthew Kelly – He’s revealed his six favourite books to The Express. Don’t pretend you weren’t interested. Now you can sleep peacefully at night having checked out his favourites.
• Asteroids! – Let’s stick a manned mission on that bad-boy.

Creased

• Twitter – With all the bickering and poor taste, coupled with the introduction of ‘promoted tweets’; has our favourite social network finally “jumped the shark”?
• Jumping The Shark – A popular TV phrase taken from the Happy Days moment where Fonzie literally jumped a shark, it has become synonymous with things that have gone too far. Ironically, the phrase itself appears to have jumped the shark, probably creating some kind of paradox.
• The Christian Media – Bill O’Reilly et al. aren’t buying this Norway thing at all…
• Internet Censorship - It’s here and it’s coming on the BT Bus. Maybe they should try providing a consistent broadband service before cutting bits out of it.
• Google+ – Want to use a pseudonym? Tough. Mof Gimmers would be screwed if that wasn’t his real name.

Massive news. Seriously. Forget all that News Corp guff. This is the biggie. Honest it is. We’re literally coming down with a dose of The News. Basically, Bigger Than The Beatles, Glee, is going to lose its two biggest stars.

Stars that just happened to be shaped exactly like Lea Michele and Cory Monteith. And someone called Chris Colfer.

This trio are going to make a hasty exit at the end of season three, presumably getting off before people grow tired of the show and stop watching it. Which you will. Despite what you say, you’ll soon give up on it and say “it’s not as good as it used to be”, despite the format remaining exactly the same forever and ever, amen.

So while you pathetic imbeciles wipe away your tears, everyone at Glee is trying to work out if the show can carry on without its most recognisable stars.

So why are they leaving? Well, bizarrely, it’s to do with keeping the show ‘realistic’, because of course, Glee is famed for being gritty and real.

Ryan Murphy, who created the godawful programme that continually gets away with butchering records that you may or may not like, has revealed that Rachel Berry, Finn Hudson and Kurt Hummel will all graduate at the end of the third season.

He explained:

“You can keep them on the show for six years and people will criticise you for not being realistic, or you can be really true to life and say when they started the show they were very clearly sophomores and they should graduate at the end of their senior year.”

Yup. That’s how realistic it is. Despite the fact that the cast are all averaging 40 years old or something.

“We made that decision and I involved Chris and Lea and they thought that was a good idea.

“They both trust the writing and trust me and felt that it would be great to have an open and closed experience for them to go out while they were on top.”

We can only hope the ending for them includes some kind of fireball or a New Directions obsessed mass-murderer who writes ‘Healter Skelter’ and ‘Piggies’ on the locker room wall in their blood.

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