hecklerspray is massively gay. We’re so queer it hurts. Even the straight ‘spreezies are super ‘mo. You don’t care about that. You want to know whether Kelly Clarkson is a lesbian, for whatever nefarious reasons you have.

So is she?

Well, she doesn’t give the ‘bian ‘bian vibe to us. Not one bit. She couldn’t possibly smell of sex with another woman. Not that this has stopped people speculating that she is. And Kel’ wants to tell us all about it.

So what makes people think Clarkson is a lavenderist? Well, it seems to revolve around two things:

1. She’s single.

2. She’s not thin. Sometimes.

And so, with that, she absolutely must be dining at the hooded buffet, right?

Well, the singer revealed:

“People are really concerned about my relationship status. When I tell people I’m happy being single, they don’t believe me. They say: “You have to be miserable being alone.”

Yes, but when you’re not being happily alone, are you fingering women?

“I’m not gay. If I was, I’d say ‘I love women!’ That’s why it drives me nuts. But I feel like even if I did say it, people would be like: ‘You’re just trying to do that to win the gay audience.’”

Poor Kelly Clarkson. She’ll have to carry on staring at pictures of disgusting male members online ’til this all blows over. Or she releases a decent record. Whatever comes first really.

Cock it is.

Remember David Arquette running off with a young cocktail waitress, leaving Courteney Cox all sinewy and single? It was horrible wasn’t it? Mainly because we had to think about David Arquette grunting over a young woman.

And now, we’re going to have to think about Courteney Cox writhing around and sweating as she’s back in the game. Kinda.

She’s admitted that make-out sessions with men make her nervous. Talking to Howard Stern (who else?), she explained she’s been abstinent since separating from Arquette and his weird child face with a beard stuck-on.

Cox said:

“No guy’s asked me out. I’m not saying I’m not ready to have a make-out session, it just makes me nervous. I don’t like to go out in general.”

Then, she talked about sticking her hand down her kecks and having a crygasm.

“I have sexual feelings, there’s ways to deal with that. It’s time for me to get out there. It’s not easy to meet people. They don’t call me.”

“I’ve not had a man since David… [I've] made out with one guy.”

The guy in question is a celebrity and no, we don’t know his name. Let us just assume she tapped-off with one of the cast of Friends. Maybe that staring, beady eyed coffee guy with the German name.

(Shh. It’s totally co-star Josh Hopkins)

Either way, one thing we’ll all have to live with now, is the thought of Cox’s weirdly taut body trembling with self-abasement while she’s gawping at online smut with a hand up her skirt.

No. We won’t pay for your dry-cleaning bills if you just lost your breakfast.

Ever since we all saw David Hasselhoff drunkenly eating a hamburger off the floor while berating his daughter, we’ve all thrilled at how damaged the former Baywatcher is. Not to mention that whole being under the impression he brought down the iron curtain in Germany thing.

The Hoff, for reasons only unclear to him, is one of our favourite celebrities to mockingly enjoy.

And, the good news is, is that he really hasn’t learned a thing. He’s as deluded as ever, growing his peas above sticks and saying, without a trace of irony, that he wants A-List superstar Russell Crowe for the Knight Rider Movie. That’d be the Knight Rider Movie which doesn’t ever, ever look like getting general release.

That’s right. A man who starred in the terrible slo-boober Baywatch and glazed idiot on the peering panel of America’s Got Talent has tweeted an invitation to Russell Crowe The Hollywood Actor.

Hoff said:

“Thanks mate hope to see you soon! Time for us to do Knight Rider the movie. Would love to hook up next time I’m in Sydney. Be there soon. Direct message me your email. Hope you’re well, bud.”

DaveHoff met Crowe in a hospital in Sydney. That’s all well and good until you hear that Hasselhoff is reported to have  danced for the young patients.

Surely there are law against such a thing?

Not only that, but while in Australia, Hasselhoff reportedly proposed to girlfriend Hayley Roberts during a walk up the Sydney Harbour Bridge. He posted photos on Twitter of him down on one knee and the couple kissing each other.

Next week, he’ll show us what he had for his lunch, post-digestion.

Poor famous people. They get plebs saying nasty things to them, which is of course, completely different to the lives of us normal troglodytes who spend an eternity being thoroughly pleasant to each other, without cross words ever uttered.

One such sad case is Kylie who has had to call the police because someone wrote some nasty words on twitter.

No, honestly.

Kylie (real name Jason Donovan) took to twitter (aka The confession booth for the rich and famous) to tell all her followers about the abuse she had suffered, calling her stalker a “weirdo” and adding that she had alerted the police about their  tweets.

Kylie – who irritatingly calls all of her fans ‘lovers’ after she’d noticed Lady GaGa had come up with a specific nickname for all her fans – posted on her official page:

“I love 1,033,861 of you LOVERS, but 1 is not a lover, just a deluded weirdo making threats #andthatdoesnotmakeyouspecial So…police alerted.”

In fairness to the mental one, calling the police on them DOES make them special. If they weren’t getting special treatment, you’d be phoning the police about all your fans, right Kylie?

Naturally, Minogue’s Lovers were mobilised enough to then retweet her message in some kind of pointless support, with one writing:

“I hope whoever’s threatening @kylieminogue knows there’s more than 1,000,000 of us ready to jump to her defence.”

WHAT WILL THEY DO? Set up a nasty Tumblr?! Seethe through a hashtag? Stomp around their living rooms for a bit shouting at the ether? Listen to ‘Spinning Around’ REALLY LOUDLY?

Honestly. If Kylie had an army, it would be under 5ft tall and all sickly and thin, reeking of poppers and microwavable pizzas.

Even though Katy Perry and Russell Brand’s marriage was something of a surprise, one good thing about it was that their idiocy was self-contained. They could spend time together being irritating toward each other, occasionally giving us plebians a rest. However, they went and spoiled it all.

Since the couple split, they’re about to unleash their OOOH AREN’T I DIFFERENT AND FUNNY AND QUIRKY on the world again, however, now it’ll be ramped up because they have something to prove to each other.

So now, the circus of who Brand and Perry will try and have sex with next is rolling into town. So step up the most irritating actress of a generation and a farcical god-fearing American footballerist!

First up, we have Katy Perry. There’s a preposterous rumour going around that she’s having a romance with Tim Tebow. If you don’t know who Tebow is, then all you need to know is this: He plays American football for the Denver Broncos and he’s hilariously Christian. Seriously. To say he has a propensity for getting down on one-knee and thinking about God is an understatement. So frequent are his prayers that he’s probably shaved three years off his sporting career, slowly eroding his left praying knee.

Well, Perry dedicated a song to him at a pre-Super Bowl gig. Apparently, Perry’s mother is very keen to get her daughter with Tebow because she believes him to be ”handsome, charming, intelligent and above all, a good Christian.”

With that, Perry dedicated her song Peacock to him. She then proceeded to sing…

“I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock, your peacock, cock.”

Jesus H. Christ.

So what’s Brand doing? Well, he’s apparently got his sights set firmly on Zooey Deschanel. Not only does Zooey look a bit like Katy Perry, but she’s also a simpering fan of The Smiths, just like Brand. They can sit around listening to cod-poetic lyrics and coo about Johnny Marr’s hair.

A source told OK! magazine (massively trustworthy):

“Russell has had his eye on Zooey for a long time. And he’s been sending funny, flirty texts to see if they can get together. He thinks she’s hysterically funny and cute, too. He loves her quirky sense of humour, and thinks they’d be great together both on-and off-screen. There’s a real spark there.”

Whatever happens, we’ll probably all get to hear about it in a new version of Brand’s Booky Wook.

Now, can a government pass a law where we can round these four people up and have them flogged to death on a hillside for us all to see?

And now, some news that should leave you feeling utterly confused and unsure of how to feel. Basically, this will either sadden you or make you wonder whether you should give the slightest shit about it all. And it involves Nick and Aaron Carter.

The rub is this: Leslie Carter, the sister of Aaron Carter and former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, has died in upstate New York aged 25 years old.

What gives?

A publicist for the Carter family confirmed the young woman’s death, but provided no details Wednesday on where or how she died.

A statement from the family says they’re grieving for Carter and requested “the utmost privacy.”

Leslie of course, released a single called ‘Like Wow’ which was on the soundtrack for ‘Shrek’ and of course, she was a star of the reality show ‘House of Carters.’

That all taken into account, we’ve no idea how to react to this.

Basically, Leslie Carter is a veritable nobody, so we really shouldn’t care. However, she’s a dead 25 year old woman, which is pretty dreadful, however she died.

So what are we supposed to do? If word gets out it was drugs or drink or, indeed, a sexual misadventure, we can assume the position of ‘Haw! Haw! How very funny!‘ but if it transpires that she died of something upsetting, then we’ll have to wring our hands and work out whether she’s important enough to feign upset over.

This is all very inconsiderate of the Carter family. We’re aware that they’re grieving, but really, they should’ve thought of us lot first.

We simply don’t know what to do.

Mick Jagger, a man with a face like a thousand ballsacks, is no political football! Nosiree! He doesn’t like to be aligned to any party, mainly because he knows that its not in his interests to side with anyone, lest he lose a bunch of fans.

With that, he doesn’t like Prime Minister David Cameron trying to rim him for public favour.

See, Davey Boy Cameron invited Mick Jagger (with all that swagger, whatever that means these days) to an event in Switzerland. The event was about economics. Or, if you prefer, everyone out there was opening bank accounts so they don’t have to pay their taxes. That’s precisely what was going on.

And what was this event called?

No, is wasn’t called ‘Posh Gits Learn How To Hide Penniesfest’. Rather, the Rolling Stones frontman was invited to join Cameron at the Great British Tea Party in Davos.

Yes. Apparently there’s a place called Davos. Isn’t that a Doctor Who baddie or something? Don’t tell us. We honestly couldn’t care less.

Anyway, this event was (apparently) aimed at boosting foreign investment in the country ahead of the 2012 London Olympics, but Jagger decided against going to it when news of his appearance was leaked to the media.

In a statement, Jagger admitted that he was looking forward to attending the economics summit, but refuses to be used as a puppet for the Conservative Party.

He ranted:

“I came to Davos as a guest, as I thought it would be stimulating… I have always been interested in economics and world events (but) I now find myself being used as a political football and there has been a lot of comment about my political allegiances which are inaccurate. I think it’s best I decline the invitation to the key event and curtail my visit.”

Basically, he doesn’t want everyone finding out that, despite being liberal of mind, he’s probably a bit right-wing because the Tories look after his money better.

Right?

It’s okay everybody, you can relax, there’s no more need to worry, Kevin Federline is fine.

We know, you were scared that K-Fed might be taken from us too soon, but we’re pleased to announce that all is well with Britney’s Baby Daddy and he didn’t actually suffer a heart attack that none of us would have cared about.

Federline was hospitalised earlier this week after he collapsed whilst filming a weight loss show in Australia, he was quickly rushed to hospital along with the paramedics who had initially tried to lift him onto the stretcher.

The world’s most favouritest douchebag spent much of the day in hospital, before being released to recover at home, probably in a soiled wife beater and a trucker cap.

At the peak of his girth, Federline had reached a whopping 17stone, which doesn’t sound like much for an American, but being – as he is – an American that was supposed to be vaguely famous for something, this a HUGE deal.

Admittedly that thing he was famous for was having sperm so polluted that it sent Britney Spears batshit insane enough for her to marry him, shave her head, attack a car with an umbrella and hole up in her Hollywood mansion, in a weird Waco 90210 stand off.

We should applaud Federline for attempting to get back into shape, but he’s just so annoying it’s hard for us to even care whether or not this little episode was an actual problem with his heart, or indigestion caused by the rapid consumption of a Big Mac.

It probably was indigestion anyway, it’s hard to imagine K-Fed, who’s now sporting a pony tail because he wasn’t white trash enough before, can even eat a simple burger without taking breaks from chewing with his mouth open to tell anyone and everyone who will listen how he totally nailed Britney Spears, whilst simultaneously humping and spanking the air in a display of chauvinism that borders on the retarded.

So next time you’re in a fast food chain, about to tuck in to that tasty burger you ordered, just remember this. Somewhere, out there in a restaurant just like the one you’re sat in, is Kevin Federline.

Why do people care about The Oscars? The winners get a lousy statue that resembles a gold-plated bottle of bubble bath with a screw top head. Hollywood has run out of ideas and has realised that the game is up, badly remaking Japanese films and adapting stupid books.

But Generation Yoof won’t care about classic cinema being revisited will they? They’ve got Skins back on their worthless TVs.

And, worse still, sixth form politicians and literature geeks will all be going weak at the knees as skag wuss and all-round pus-factory Pete Doherty looks to cash in with a documentary based on run of the mill indie act, The Libertines. We expect no highs, just lows.

For some reason, The Libertines made it big despite sounding like every other band that was hanging around on the circuit. Perhaps excitable teenagers liked the spaced-out, brown-tooth look that Pete Doherty gave off as he constantly wandered around on a concoction of bad drugs and worse booze.

The Libertines essentially proved themselves to be a band version of Eastenders as Doherty decided to break into band mate Carl Barat’s flat to steal from him. Eventually he spent some time inside a nasty prison, which we all had a laugh over.

As we’ve said before, he’s not the sharpest spoon in the drawer.

Frankly, we have no idea what this documentary is going to be about. After all, it does seem to be the worst trailer we’ve ever seen for anything. Waste a minute of your life below as the camera continues to zoom out until the very end. Go GCSE media skills!

If anyone ever sits down to watch “There Are No Innocent Bystanders,” is it just going to be nothing but a scrap book of images featuring some muffled words by the band? Is anyone going to be able to tell what plastic cockney Pete Doherty is saying throughout?

Or will it just be one giant mockery of their career when we see how all of the members squandered away the money they received to reunite for hipster central festival, Leeds & Reading?

“There Are No Innocent Bystanders” will only be available in all bad cinemas, DVD shops and torrent sites still. Don’t bother asking us when it’s out.

Tulisa off of ‘N Dubz’ has split up with that other bloke Fazer out of ‘N Dubz’ because they were just having a hard time. What’s that you say? Not the best of starts to the week? Well congratu-bloody-lations on that nugget of wisdom, Sherlock. You THINK?

APPAZ (It’s definitely an ‘appaz’ moment. Please give us one ‘appaz’.) Tulisa moved out of the couple’s North London haunt, at some point sometime in the past week probably, and the only reason we’re a bit hazy on that is only because we’re very vulnerable and are having trouble keeping our calenders straight in our shaky callous fingers right now, before you start.

What’s more, it’s not been looking too good for the Camden childhood sweethearts as it was, seeing as their holiday in the Maldives the other day didn’t half go all post-traumatic stressy bessy anyway. We just really didn’t fancy mentioning that at the time, because we didn’t want to make your lovely little faces do that thing.. YES, THAT. THAT THING YOU’RE DOING RIGHT NOW. With the tears. Stop that. Think our problems are really as big as Sinead O Connor’s, do we? Mmm. Well maybe pour another glass of brandy, listen to Mandinka on a slower RPM, and then grow a heart. (Sorry, we’re still sad.)

In a faintly exhausting-sounding poll that we didn’t read because we were really busy talking to all of our very interesting friends about  ’current affairs in ‘the newspapers’ –  it’s apparently all the more likely that couples are splitting up because it’s all January and nobody wants to buy anybody that Valentines Card with the cock jokes on, coming out a speech bubble of a blissfully unaware, compliant cartoon penguin. Apparently. Oh and according to, and we kid you not, The PR Representative of Sheila’s Wheels (Or ‘Moses 2012′ if you will)  it’s because ‘It’s a bit dark outside and stuff.’

Well that clears up Seal and Heidi Klum then, who also erased our hopes of a Utopia where they are king and queen, dressed up in their discrimAMAZING Halloween outfits, as we moisturise them thoroughly on blinded awe this week.

Or: ‘they broke up too’ if you want to be more black and white about it. Seriously, you guys are all about the fun today.

However, like that bit in Casablanca where the PMS slaggy one is all ‘Come on Sam, put a donk on it’ (Commonly misquoted, as you all know) this particular love story ends with a glimmer of hope, where Tulisa went out on the razz, got bollocked, and got HER ‘Member of Little Mix with low self esteem’ out for all to see.

And as for Fazer, he’s doing a solo album with that sensuous temptress of the night that is Chris Brown of course.

So, here’s looking at… At least 12-18 months of community service, we estimate. God, we really love Casablanca, so romantic.

Ever looked at Daniel Radcliffe’s face and thought to yourself: ‘That looks exactly like the kind of thing I’ve been after, especially regarding the absorbing of my faecal matter’. Well have you? If not, then you’re stupid.

Why?

Well, that’s because you can now completely and legally wipe your mucky hoon on Daniel Radcliffe’s face. Obviously, the Harry Potter star isn’t particularly thrilled about it, but that matters not because his world is about to become rather 2 Girls 1 Cup and there’s nothing he can do about it.

Naturally, this isn’t a call-to-arms, with us expressing our will for you, dear reader, to go and defecate on an actor’s face. Rather, Radcliffe has just found out that his Harry Potter face is going to be plastered over some toilet roll thanks to the lovely marketing bosses of the Potter franchise.

Daniel says:

“I have heard my face is on toilet paper, which is really not pleasant. But I haven’t seen it and I don’t know if that is much of a compliment. The guys from American Pie had their faces on condoms. I know you can get Barack Obama condoms, although they haven’t done that for us yet. I don’t think it would be appropriate.”

You’ll have to move to somewhere like Thailand or Vietnam to get the chance to wipe your hole on Daniel Radcliffe’s face, but anything goes over there doesn’t it?

Radders continued:

“I have nothing to do with the merchandising and marketing of the films. Any actor is involved in their performance but not that side of things. It is something you become a little blasé about to a degree because it was a job but I pinch myself and think that I have an amazing job.”

Shut up and let us shit on your face.

Yesterday was great for death. Kim Jong-il (or, as some dumb American said, Kim Jong The Second) shrugged off his mortal coil while elsewhere, rumours floated around about various celebrity deaths!

One such rumour was Brian Harvey (not dead, but can’t be far off) and another was Jon Bon Jovi.

When Jon ‘Bon Jovi’ Bon Jovi heard about his untimely passing, he thought he’d redress the balance by letting everyone know that, regrettably, he was absolutely alive as can be. Alas, for a crime of Christmas in his past (for which we have a video), his death would have restored some balance in the force.

Overweight women and men wearing stained vests (or, if you prefer, fans of Bon Jovi) were left feeling pretty frantic yesterday when gossip reared up like a jaundiced horse, suggesting the star had suffered a cardiac arrest and passed away.

We were hoping to inherit his bizarrely uniform teeth.

However, his spokesperson who clearly doesn’t have much on at the minute, swiftly dismissed the reports while Jonny Bonny Jovington appeared to reassure us all that he was very much alive.

The singer posed for a picture holding a sign which read:

‘Heaven looks a lot like New Jersey Dec 19th 2011′

See for yourself.

However, his passing would have been a perfect Christmas present for all the festive periods he’s ruined with his awful, awful R2D2 We Wish You A Merry Christmas song.

Haven’t heard it? Start wishing death on Jonathon Bonathon Von Jovi right now.

Hey! This story is so new that even Britney Spears doesn’t know about it and, crucially, it utterly regards to her possible happiness. Or indeed, the sobbing of a rejected beau. You don’t know what we’re talking about do you?

Sorry. We’re excited. Excited to utterly spoil a surprise.

See, tonight, Britney Spears’ boyfriend – Jason Trawick – will get down on one knee and propose to her. He wants to marry her. She might say no! We’ve no idea! He hasn’t asked her yet, but we’ve found out that he plans to and we’re shouting it from the rooftops to ensure that any romance or surprise is shat on.

As we all know, Britney LOVES wedding cake, having been married roughly 40 times in the past 2 years. Somewhere in the region of that figure. We can’t remember.

And now, she’ll have to plan a finger buffet, mobile disco and dry-clean one of her many wedding dresses that lie covered in cobwebs in her attic!

So how have a bunch of reprobates like us got hold of such JUICY information? We stole it from professional ambulance chasers, TMZ, of course!

They reckon that Jason will be popping the question tonight in Las Vegas, the scene of at least 34 of Britney’s previous marriages.

Sources, who are very trustworthy, say Britney’s conservators have given the whole thing their stamp of approval. Possibly because they don’t mind who Britney gets married to. She could marry a cushion for all they care.

Apparently, there’s going to be a prenup as well, which is just about the most romantic gesture a human can bestow on another.

If we don’t get an invite to the lavish bash, we’re going to cry. Hard. So hard that our organs erupt from our ducts. You’ve been warned.

Trashing hotel rooms is something of a right of passage for rock stars. They do it through boredom, anger or, in the case of most modern bands, because you’ve been told you MUST do it and as we all know, modern rock bands haven’t got an original idea between them.

However, when it comes to wilful destruction, there’s not many who are as creative as Ozzy Osbourne.

As we’ve all heard, he’s bitten the head from a bat, as well as biting the head off a dove and spitting it at the CEOs of his record company. He also took a piss on The Alamo. But what about destroying a room with a dead shark?

That’s right. Ozzy once soaked a room in shark’s blood while he cut its head off while on tour with Black Sabbath.

Sabbath guitarman Tony Iommi admits that, at the height of the band’s wild days, Ozzy decided to go mental with a shark corpse because the group were thoroughly bored of taking drugs.

Tony said:

“With drugs always you get bored, so you must do something to one another. Like Ozzy hauling a shark through a window, dismembering it and soaking our room in blood.”

The fingerless guitarist has just released his memoirs called ‘Iron Man: My Journey Through Heaven and Hell With Black Sabbath’. That’s why he’s indulging in a rock star’s favourite activity – remembering the good ol’ days.

Iommi also said:

“We had management problems, I married four times. Was a lousy husband. I suddenly didn’t feel good, so I stopped drugs. No rehab. I’m a country squire. I live on a farm with dogs and chickens. All I want is to work. I’m dedicated to working. Listen, I’ve set up equipment inside an enormous dungeon in a huge castle in Wales. And worked. I felt creative.”

So there you have it. If you’re a pampered rock star and the drugs have gotten too much for you, the best thing to do is to cause havoc with a large cadaver and then put some equipment in a dungeon.

Simples.

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Hey! Hollywood! Well done! You’ve done well by pointing out that some actresses are much prettier than others. Bless you for that. We really didn’t know who to approach the whole thing and you went and said.

Just like that. You just came right out and spoke without a care in the world.

Basically, you went and said that Scarlett Johansson was far too beautiful to play the role of Lisbeth Salander in The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo films. The girl playing her now? She must be thrilled and all set to burn those self-shot pictures she was going to leak all by herself, now that hacker is in prison.

David Fincher, talking to Vogue, begged for pity when describing the difficult casting process for Salander, and how girls were flown in from across the globe for the part.

How awful. It’s like working in a flooded mine.

He said Johansson was “great,” but alas:

“The thing with Scarlett is, you can’t wait for her to take her clothes off.”

Would you look at that statement. He just opened his mouth and out it came. Scarlett, you’re great and all, but just shut up and show us your boobs.

Fincher elaborated:

“I keep trying to explain this. Salander should be like E.T. If you put E.T. dolls out before anyone had seen the movie, they would say, ‘What is this little squishy thing?’ Well, you know what? When he hides under the table and he grabs the Reese’s Pieces, you love him! It has to be like that.”

And so, Rooney Mara is the lucky gal who Fincher wants to keep her clothes well and truly on because he fancies Johansson more and that she reminds him of a red-fingered alien.

Brilliant.

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