Robert Downey Jr. is Sherlock Holmes…

Our inspectors are baffled by the mystery of it: somehow, our favourite Victorian hero was mistaken for Inspector Gadget. Guy Ritchie resurrects London’s drug-reliant super-detective and ditches his deerstalker hat for ninja skills and fruity dialogue. Accompanied by Watson (Jude Law), a plot involving the occult and other destructive powers sends Mr. Holmes on a mission fraught with explosions, bare-knuckle boxing and ridiculous acrobatics.

See him leap into the Thames from Westminster Palace, blow up half of London looking for criminals and get chained to a bed by a whore. Arthur Conan Doyle’s quick-witted 18th century legend is dragged, kicking and screaming into the box office of the future, making a name for cheesy one-liners and walking stick martial arts. A sense of humour failure is expected from the purists.

OK OK OK, so Robert Downey Jr doesn’t know a good thing when he sees it. Probably seven out of ten times he knows a good thing when actually he sees a rubbish thing. But Robert Downey Jr does know what things will make him richer than his wildest dreams, and he chases those things like a dog.

According to reports, Robert Downey Jr has signed a contract securing him to Iron Man 3 and an Avengers movie. This is particularly good news for anyone who, while enjoying the original Iron Man, really wants to see Iron Man get overtaken by an alien, grow an evil haircut and then dancing the Twist with Kirsten Dunst while cooking some eggs. For Superhero Law states that all of the above must happen in Iron Man 3.

Without a trace of uncertainty, we can definitely say that Iron Man was the best superhero movie of the summer, apart from that other one that everyone liked more. Definitely.

And because it was so successful, several new Iron Man movies are being lined up. There’s going to be Iron Man 2, where Don Cheadle will take the place of Terrence Howard, and that’s inevitably going to be followed up by Iron Man 3, where Don Cheadle will take the place of Gwyneth Paltrow, and then there’s going to be an Avengers movie, where Don Cheadle will take the place of the Incredible Hulk, Thor, Captain America, all the villains, all the extras, the director, the rest of the crew and everyone who goes to see it at the cinema.

But one role that Don Cheadle won’t be getting his hands on is the role of Iron Man. Robert Downey Jr has locked that mother down for history, as Variety reports:

Robert Downey Jr. is living up to his title as Marvel Studios‘ Iron Man. In addition to starring in “Iron Man 2,” Downey has agreed to return as billionaire Tony Stark and his crime-fighting alter ego in “The Avengers” and a third “Iron Man” installment, guaranteeing the thesp a superhero-sized payday and his own ongoing franchise as part of a four-picture deal with the comicbook company.

That’s wonderful news. We genuinely thought that Iron Man was a good wedge of stupid summer fun, and that’s a trend that’s bound to continue in Iron Man 2.

Then, obviously, Iron Man 3 will be such a stinking bloated corpse of a shit idea that everyone will start actively hating the franchise, and that in turn will kick off a relapse of Robert Downey Jr’s well-chronicled substance abuse problems, meaning that all the footage of him in The Avengers will have to be taken from the first three Iron Man movies and/or Chaplin because he’ll be an uncontrollable mess by that point.

But, hey, something to look forward to.

While we all thought we would have to live in a world where no other films would ever get anywhere near The Dark Knight – a world where daily recitals of The Joker’s best speeches were made to be recited every morning in our schools, where every car is replaced with a Batmobile and where Morgan Freeman is elected King of Everything (with Christian Bale as his alleged muscle, obviously) – we have been proven wrong.

We worried for a while, but fortunately the ‘Greatest Film of All Time(tm)’ has been dethroned by Ben Stiller, Jack Black and a blacked-up Robert Downey Jr. And it’s sure to make the latter quite happy about it.

It would appear that controversy and notoriety really does help the fortunes of a cinema release these days – there were the obvious little numbers coming about before and after the release of The Dark Knight. It can’t be denied that the often-mentioned death, car crashes and alleged assaults had a positive effect on the fortunes of Nolan’s Batmasterpiece, and Tropic Thunder seems to have used the same technique to dethrone the four-week king.

Yes, there has been a lot of hoo-ha in recent weeks about the usage of the word ‘retard’ in Stiller and the gang’s Vietnam-movie comedy movie. Movie. Some people don’t like the word, and it’s apparently used quite liberally through the film.

But, of course, instead of looking into it and forming some kind of reasoned argument or debate about the issue, people just went and picketed screenings of the film, thus bringing it far more press coverage than it would have got without protests. And it would have got a lot of coverage without them anyway.

Throw on top of the pile the fact that one actor plays a blacked-up white man and you have another pile of outrage for the public to jump on. Shockingly though, this fell by the wayside with only a handful of comments being raised about the questionable portrayal. Possibly because they realised there was some satire at work there.

Either that or the blacked-up protesters couldn’t be heard over the legions of retard protesters. That’s as in protesting the use of the word, of course – we’re not calling them retarded for protesting the use of a word in a movie that is meant as a light-hearted comedy and a satire of the world of movies we are surrounded by today. Oh no. Not us.

Anyway – regardless of the retarded, blacked-up reasons that can be thrown around the fact remains – Tropic Thunder has dethroned The Dark Knight at the box office, raking in $37 million to the Baler and company’s $16.7 million.

If Tropic manages to gross more overall than Batman and chums then… well, frankly we’ll eat four gallons of testicle juice. Because that isn’t going to happen, even with all the controversy in the world.

The Welshman, who no one seems to realise is Welsh, has been recommended to receive a caution by the Crown Prosecution Service for his alleged actions, should he plead guilty to charges next month. If, however, he pleads not guilty then he could be looking at more severe penalties, all according to the bastion of truth, honour and glory that is The Sun newspaper.

Though, let’s be honest here – he probably wouldn’t be looking at any really severe charges. A fine, a slap on the wrist and a bruised ego, leaving the Baler ready to take on Terminator 4 and Batman 3. Unless the authorities were to decide on making an example of him and imprisoned him for life – alledgely pushing your mum and sister about is no laughing matter, after all.

Especially when they apparently want money from you.

Last month saw Christian Bale arrested on suspicion of assault, and while everyone went mental thinking the guy had beaten some evil-doers to death with their own shoes, we soon discovered it was allegedly for getting mad and pushing his family about a bit. Not that we condone that kind of behaviour, but it was a bit of a let-down.

He didn’t even do it in his Batman costume, allegedly.

After being released on bail, Bale bailed from the UK to get back to work. That sentence was pretty unnecessary, but hecklerspray enjoys using the same word three times in a row, so hush down.

Anyway, rumours were flung around about the reasons for the alleged assault, until it was generally accepted that the row came about over money. Being rich and all, Bale was apparently expected to give over a fair wodge of cash for his sister’s kids, simply for sharing blood ties with these people. And he allegedly wasn’t happy, so he apparently made his feelings clear with some shouting and a push.

He didn’t, as some had hoped, beat up his clown sister. In his Batman costume. While on fire. Upside down. Such a let-down, honestly.

And now, bringing this whole debacle to an end, hopefully, we are greeted with the news that the only thing that will befall Christian Bale – should he plead guilty to the alleged assault – is a caution. All this news, all this coverage, all the speculation over the ‘curse’ of The Dark Knight and he’s getting told ‘don’t do it again’.

Maybe Robert Downey Jr can provoke a better reaction from the Baler after his non-too flattering comments about Batman, and we can get some genuine controversy going. A fistfight. In public. With both actors in full costume.

It’s not like Iron Man or The Dark Knight need any more publicity, it’s just that we need something exciting to happen that isn’t death, attempted murder, countries getting invaded or some crap sporting event in a country where people don’t exactly enjoy what you would call ‘freedom’. You know – just to keep us going.

Please?

And now that the people of the world once again recognise Robert Downey Jr in the street – and now that he’s likely off the smack and charlie – people are more likely to listen to him. So it comes as a nice big pile of fun when the man gets all ranty, decides he disagrees with just about everyone in the world and that he hates The Dark Knight, because it makes him feel ‘dumb’.

For once we don’t have to add much to that – it’s simply what he said in an interview with Movie Hole.

Speaking about the plans for Iron Man 2, the Marvel-contracted actor decided that he shouldn’t just talk up some vague plot points, speculate on what may happen in the sequel and start the ball rolling on some early hype for the upcoming blockbuster.

No – he would also stick the knife in in a pretty spectacular fashion, especially when you consider this is mainstream Hollywood cinema, people are likely to see what he’s said and it will get widely reported.

Just for that, we have to give Robert Downey Jr a special hecklerspray ‘Well Done You Have Some Balls’ award that we’ve just invented.

Congratulations, Bobby – how does it feel to be the first ever recipient?

Granted, he may not have threatened his mum, died or had a serious car accident, but directly slagging off a competitor’s film is good enough for us. Talking to Movie Hole, Downey Jr let loose this barrage:

“My whole thing is that that I saw ‘The Dark Knight’. I feel like I’m dumb because I feel like I don’t get how many things that are so smart…and I’m like, ‘That’s not my idea of what I want to see in a movie.’ I…still can’t tell you what happened in the movie, what happened to the character and in the end they need him to be a bad guy. I’m like, ‘I get it. This is so high brow and so f–king smart, I clearly need a college education to understand this movie.’ You know what? F–k DC comics. That’s all I have to say and that’s where I’m really coming from.”

Clearly not a man worried about burning any bridges… oh, wait, he went on about that too, the little git:

“You know, you’re never too old to burn your bridges because I believe I have offended everyone. I think I’ve got a couple more. ‘I’ll burn that bridge when I come to it’ is my favourite phrase I’ve ever coined.”

Well, we’re not going to argue with that.

Maybe years of drug abuse, carrying weapons around and getting arrested every three-point-four minutes is the recipe to make the perfect movie star – one who can actually act pretty well and one who has both an actual set of balls and a lack of inner monologue, leaving them free to say what they actually mean.

Set the plan in motion, Hollywood berks – prescription smack and a shotgun for Lindsay Lohan, followed by four arrests in a week. Maybe that’ll make her fun again.

Read The Rest Of It Here:

Movie Hole

After the gigantic box office haul of Iron Man – one that’s likely to be repeated once Tropic Thunder is released later this summer – Robert Downey Jr can star in any movie he wants. But what movie has Robert Downey Jr decided to star in? A Sherlock Holmes movie, that’s what.

No, not the Sacha Baron Cohen/Will Ferrell Sherlock Holmes movie that was triumphantly announced earlier this week. Another Sherlock Holmes movie. A Sherlock Holmes movie where Sherlock Holmes is a musclebound action hero. A Sherlock Holmes movie where Sherlock Holmes is a musclebound action hero directed by Guy Ritchie. And there was us thinking that Robert Downey Jr had stopped taking drugs.

Occasionally two movies about the same subject will come out at the same time, and one always fares much better than the other. For every Dante’s Peak there’s a Volcano. For every The Prestige there’s a The Illusionist. For every Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves there’s another Robin Hood that’s both princeless and thiefless.

And it looks like we’re about to see another likeminded movie clash, because two Sherlock Holmes films are getting ready to go head to head.

One, announced this week, will be produced by Judd Apatow and throw together Sacha Baron Cohen’s Sherlock Holmes and Will Ferrell’s Doctor Watson. It sounds hilarious and is bound to be a giant hit. And then there’s the other Sherlock Holmes movie which will star Robert Downey Jr and sounds, well, cack. E! Online reports:

In addition to Conan Doyle’s tales, the film will also incorporate the Sherlock Holmes comics series, which painted the detective as more of a muscly action hero who just happened to be far more brilliant than his peers—and, most importantly, his adversaries.

OK, so it’s a Sherlock Holmes movie with a kickass Sherlock Holmes. That’s vaguely sacrilegious, but it will star Robert Downey Jr so it’s still probably worth the benefit of the doubt. That’s unless there’s another mitigating factor as to why we shouldn’t go and see it, like if Guy Ritchie’s directing it or anything stupid like that.

Which. He. Is.

So, in summary then – Robert Downey Jr’s first big film after Iron Man is a Sherlock Holmes movie that’s in direct competition with a much better-sounding Sherlock Holmes movie, his version will feature a steroid-crazed Sherlock Holmes and it’s all going to be directed by Guy Ritchie, meaning that it’ll basically have all the production values of a Cillit Bang advert and everyone will talk in shouty cockney voices like that bald knob from Masterchef.

Fingers crossed that Guy Ritchie hasn’t got divorced by the time he starts filming – this could well the only movie in history that gets better because Madonna’s got a cameo in it.

His life has been riddled with mistakes – drug abuse, incarceration, Gothika, public disgrace, dating Sarah Jessica Parker, singing a duet with Sting – and we’ve witnessed them all first hand.

So, for the first time ever since breakfast, Robert Downey Jr. openly talks about his past drug abuse, and does so with a nice vocabulary. He also talks about some other stuff, like a movie he’s in that’s coming out soon, or something.

Unless you’ve been trapped under a rock for the past ten years or so and just recently gnawed through your arm to become free, it’s no surprise to you that Robert Downey Jr. has been quite the drug abuser in the past.

Yeah, we know. But Robert Downey Jr. has chosen to tell us all about it for the trillionth time. We’ll listen because his dreamy, slightly burgeoning-y eyes captivate us every time, but he’d better check off another item on the celebrity scavenger hunt list soon, like join the celebrity DUI club. If he acts now, he can get the custom racial slur rant as a joining bonus.

Anyway, Robert Downey Jr. prattled on to PARADE magazine about how he did drugs for the first time when he was eight with his dad, dropped out of high school, and became wrapped up in the Hollywood shenanigans and drug abuse that it ultimately led to the demise of his seven year relationship with Sarah Jessica Parker. What the…? Why does the Mr. Ed theme music come on out of nowhere whenever her name comes up? Spooky. Anyway, let’s hear it straight form RDJ himself:

“I was so selfish,” he admits. “I liked to drink, and I had a drug problem, and that didn’t jibe with Sarah Jessica, because it is the furthest thing from what she is… I had very much this post-adolescent, faux nihilistic, punk-rock rebellious attitude. I thought my way was so much cooler than people who were actually building lives and careers. I was in love with Sarah Jessica and love clearly was not enough. I was meant to move on. And, after some heartache, she was meant to find her home with a great star.”

Um, yeah she did! She married Ferris Bueller, sucka! Robert Downey Jr. also talks about his career, and such:

“I went after Iron Man because Keanu Reeves got The Matrix, and Johnny Depp got Pirates,” he says. “I’m looking at all these posters of the movies I’ve seen with my son, and I’m thinking, ‘Damn! I could do that!’ “

However, the search for a decent script about a drunk, wobbly pirate who rebels against sentient machines to release the minds of humanity was more difficult than anticipated, so Robert Downey Jr took up the role as a Marvel Comics superhero in the upcoming movie released next month, Iron Man.

We’re very excited for our friend’s return to sobriety, and eagerly anticipate Iron Man despite the face that every third person we come across mumbly sings Black Sabbath’s Iron Man, but of course only knows a few words so its always Now the time is near du-du-du-du-du-du-du-nuh-nuh-nuh.

That’s okay. We’ll just think about Sarah Jessica Parker and the Mr. Ed music will drown them out.

Read more:

Robert Downey Jr. On Dating Sarah Jessica Parker, Parenting And Drug Use – Huffington Post