One of the big talking points from the Super Bowl commercial break was… well… Clint Eastwood. Away from that though, there’s a little excitement surrounding the trailer for Marvel’s The Avengers movie.

While most superhero flicks are brooding like Batman at the moment, it appears that The Avengers film is going to be pleasingly dumb, if the trailer is anything to go by.

So if you want to see it, strap in and watch things explode with Captain America (Chris Evans), Thor (Chris Hemsworth), Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr), Scarlett Johansson (Black Widow) and Hulk get into a giant scrap with a fella with long, greasy hair.

The baddie in the piece is called Loki and he’s all cocking his head with an evil eyebrow nonsense while Rob Downey Jr is, well, playing himself.

Elsewhere, Captain America’s shield will get nerds wet, while everyone else with be getting aroused over Scarlett Johansson in a catsuit.

Oh, and there’s aliens and laser beams and all that good stuff.

One thing that people may raise a vague titter at is the exchange between Loki and Iron Man. ”I have an army,” says Tom Hiddleston’s Loki. “We have a Hulk!” Stark replies.

Those superheroes and villains! Do they rehearse this stuff?

Yes they do. Now watch the trailer.

Sherlock Holmes is one of the most abiding detective characters in literary history. Along with his sycophantic companion, Dr John Watson, the amateur consulting detective uses his powers of deduction to solve the most fiendishly cryptic cases in Victorian London amazing one and all with his capacity for lateral thinking and disguise as he does so.

Conan Doyle’s books have been adapted for television, radio and film on many occasions and every iteration of the classic stories brings its own idea of how the Holmes/Watson dynamic works. Just look at ‘Sherlock’, the BBC’s surprisingly enjoyable updating of the series which began with a reimagining of A Study In Scarlet and you can see that the world of Sherlock Holmes is as relevant to today’s audiences as those half a century ago.

Then there was Guy Ritchie’s enjoyable romp through Victorian London which starred Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law as the duo who cracked-wise and cracked heads through a story which had its roots in the supernatural and came with a very steam punk feel (you know, like Wild Wild West but not as crap).

Luckily for fans of that particular incarnation, Ritchie wasn’t content to rest on the laurels of the first film and in the pursuit of more money to fund his divorce has gone all out in order to ensure that there are as many explosions, gunshots, pulled underskirts and longing looks as possible. You know, to make sure that cinema audiences don’t get bogged down in one of Ritchie’s famously cerebral plots.

The new trailer was released yesterday and manages to cram about eighty slow motion ‘bullet time’ shots into a two and a half minute window, implying that the film might be entirely shot at half speed in order to make sure everyone can keep up with the twists and turns of Holmes’ psychological journey into the past, the present and his case.

Or maybe it’s just yet another dumb action movie with loads of explosions and moments of “minor peril”.

Watch the trailer and decide for yourself. Or don’t. It’s no skin off our noses.

You know Shane Black don’t you? Scriptwriter of the first (and lest we forget, very good) Lethal Weapon (directed by Richard Donner, director of the original brilliant Superman), massively under-rated Last Boy Scout, Long Kiss Goodnight, director AND scriptwriter of utter geek-fest Kiss Kiss Bang Bang?

Well, he was all set to write and direct Iron Man 3 and everything was going to be LITERALLY brilliant. Reports now are that he’s just been demoted from scriptwriting and directing duties on Iron Man 3 and will only direct instead.

Which is like demoting James Bond to an office-administrator.

And the scriptwriting now falls to Drew Pearce, whose glittering credits include working on long-deceased British breakfast show The Big Breakfast and painfully unfunny BBC3 sitcom How Not To Live Your Life.

The decision to take one of Hollywood’s most impressive, bankable and – if you care to look for it – interesting screenwriters off a major franchise seems an odd one, unless the producers are determined to rob the franchise of any sense of fun whatsoever and instead have Zig and Zag pop-up for a perplexing cameo.

Heaven forbid anyone write something interesting, such as Tony Stark’s alcoholism as explored in the original comics.

Any of the eleven people out there (excluding myself, making up twelve) who saw how well Robert Downey Jr. responded to the writing and direction of Black in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang will now realise that Iron Man 3 will be even weaker than Iron Man 2 now that Black has had his teeth removed, making John Favreau’s castrated sequel look like a tour-de-force.

And anyone – such as myself – interested in seeing their young son punch the air saying “YES” at a key moment in a superhero film as he did during the first Iron Man can probably now look elsewhere.

Which is retarded, as that is EXACTLY THE POINT of films like this.

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Robert Downey Jr. is nuts! Do you know why? Is it because of the time he was pulled-over for speeding and the police found cocaine, heroin and .357 Magnum on him? Or the time he was so well-lit he wandered into his neighbour’s house and fell asleep on one of his beds? Or the whole “I’ve got bi-polar… actually no I haven’t” thing?

Or the time he knowingly agreed to appear in dreadful theatre of self-involvement Ally McBeal?

Actually it might be that last one. Anyway! No! It’s because he has become the voice of well-known fictional aristocratic peanut ‘Mr.Peanut’! Do you see what we did there?

The man who once told a judge “It’s like I have a loaded gun in my mouth and my finger’s on the trigger, and I like the taste of the gunmetal” has chosen to become an animated bar-snack.

The loon.

The first of a new series of Planters television commercials aired on Wednesday, and the company stated that the swivel-eyed actor has “a voice that could wear the top hat, monocle and cane and still feel contemporary and cool”. Although we’re guessing the “contemporary and cool” label is about to fade pretty quickly, what with the whole ‘corporate-whoring of an imaginary, aristocratic 90-year old PEANUT’ thing.

Downey Jr. recently told some magazine or other – regarding being over-looked for an Oscar

“There was a time when I thought the only way out of hell was to win a certain type of award. And then I thought, ‘What a pitiful existence.’”

Given his recent choice of roles, he’s certainly embracing that new philosophy. Or maybe he’s just decided the ‘type’ of award that will lead you out of hell is one from the advertising industry.

Trust us, it’s not.

XBox Kinect

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Robert Downey Jr., as well you know, has been in and out of prison thanks to his unending appetite to have a real fun time, regardless of the law. He’s pretty clean these days (at least, we think he is), so prison probably changed him, right?

WRONG!

Downey Jr. insists that prison didn’t change him at all and in fact, has gone so far as to suggest that being in the clink is pretty much like being on a film set. What? Full of rapists, drug dealers and people with foreign objects inserted into their anus?

The ‘Iron Man’ star (we were originally going to make a reference to that rubbish Elton John video he did, but decided it would look like we were trying too hard) who was jailed twice for drugs offences in the ’90s is surprised that his rather full-on party lifestyle didn’t get him into bother sooner and it has taken him until now to believe his punishment had consequences for how his life turned out.

He says:

“I do think there’s something divine about large-scale humiliation, but no, it never worked for me. It never produced enough of a blow back for me to catch the drift. It doesn’t so much produce results as just get your attention – you become a fish in a barrel and there’s really something quite beautiful about that.

“Jail didn’t help me any more or less than anything else. But I know I created that experience for a reason, and I’m only just starting to understand those reasons. Remember this is California, ‘Come on vacation, leave on probation.’ I mean, I can’t believe I stayed out of the pen for as long as I did.”

So what’s all this about being on a film-set?

“Listen, a prison is just like a public school. Did you ever go on a film set on location? It’s just like prison. Have you ever been in a bad relationship? It’s just like having a cellmate who wants to kill you. Have you ever been in a street fight? It’s just like chow-time meal time. Have you ever been to a rave-up? It’s like a yard riot.

“I wouldn’t wish it on anybody, but it neither fazed me, nor changed me, nor informed me – but maybe it toughened me up a little bit.”

So there you have it. Prison – it’s just like working with Robert Downey Jr.

Christians around the world will be marking the day that Jesus casually strolled out of his tomb and blew everyone’s minds, by frenziedly heaping great big handfuls of chocolate egg into their mouths, whilst enjoying Mel Gibson’s rather angry take on The Life of Brian.

Yes sir, it’s going to be a great few days.

Anyway, in honour of this chocolatey holiday, we thought it high time we paid our respects to some other historical figures – more specifically, famous people – who have also risen from the dead. Only in a slightly less literal sense. They weren’t actually dead. They were just jobless for a wee bit.

John Travolta

After driving everyone wild with his groovy walking technique, and that odd hole in the middle of his chin in the late 1970s, John Travolta was the toast of Hollywood. And then he vanished. No one knew where he was. A hunch suggests that he was busily filling in Scientology questionnaires, and begging pilots to let him sit in the cockpit, but nothing is for certain. What is for certain, however, is that Quentin Tarantino kindly plucked him from retirement, and turned him into the new Marlon Brando. In that he was a bit fat.

Mickey Rourke

Rourke famously turned his back on acting in the 1990s to have his face repeatedly punched instead, and after some rather clumsy reconstructive surgery, he returned to acting looking a little bit like the Bride of Wildenstein’s husband. Hence, he has moved from playing kinky lotharios or charming gangsters, and now only chooses films which are subtle variations on the Quasimodo story. As it happens, there are lots of these.

Robert Downey Jr

Robert Downey Jr’s life – it’s a classic tale of boy becomes famous, boy takes lots of drugs, boy owns gun, boy goes to prison, boy takes drugs again, boy goes to prison again, boy takes more drugs, boy guest stars in Ally McBeal, boy has sex with people, boy takes drugs, boy pretends to sing Elton John song, boy becomes man, boy stops taking drugs, boy fills void from drugs with acting, boy gets acting roles, boy is Iron Man. All rather predictable really.

Kiefer Sutherland

With his long feathery Rod Stewart hair, Kiefer Sutherland enjoyed a wonderful 1980s – Lost Boys, Young Guns, Stand By Me, Bright Lights, Big City – and then suddenly, from nowhere, absolutely no one wanted Kiefer Sutherland any more. Not even Julia Roberts, who had agreed to marry him before cancelling the whole thing with less than a week to go. It was pretty bad. But then, of course, Kiefer had the last laugh, by rising from the ashes like a phoenix with a very husky voice to land the lead role in 24. And where’s Julia Roberts now? Does anyone even know?

Take That

As reinventions go, Take That morphing from topless young boys having their buttocks smeared in jelly, to stubbly grown men in expensive M&S suits is up there with the time MC Hammer decided that, actually, he’s a gangsta rapper. Unfortunately for Hammer, that comeback didn’t really work out, whilst the gentlemen in Take That are enjoying another warm blast in the sunshine. On the downside, it’s all gone slightly to the little one’s head, and he just can’t stop himself having it off with people who aren’t his wife. Every cloud… oh no, hang on, that doesn’t work here…

This was a guest post by Josh Burt from Interestment Comedy. Hooray!

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Iron Man 2 is one of 2010′s biggest films – because what do people like more than beardy, middle-aged punching robots?

Nothing, that’s what. But what can we expect from Iron Man 2? Will there be more explosions? Yes! Will there be more fight scenes? Yes! Will there be more gnarled, topless old men who talk in an affected Russian accent so ludicrous that it’d be offensive if it wasn’t so indecipherable? Yes!

We know this because a new Iron Man 2 trailer has just been released. But, like most modern things, it’s all a bit too whizz-bang for us to understand. So we’ve decided to slow down the new Iron Man 2 trailer and talk you through it scene by scene. Once again, you’re welcome…

So let’s get things started right away. Here’s the new Iron Man 2 trailer…

Wait, what just happened? We don’t know either. That was such a jumble of unconnected images and noises that there isn’t a human being on the face of the planet who could have absorbed all of that information at once. So let’s put on our decoding hats and work out exactly what Iron Man 2 will hold…

IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE 1

Hey, look, it’s Sherlock Holmes! No, wait, not Sherlock Holmes, the other one. You know, Charlie Chaplin. No, wait, not Charlie Chaplin either. That bloke from Ally McBeal? Yes, that’s who it is. He’s wearing a metal suit, but that’s probably got something to do with one of Ally McBeal’s zany fantasy sequences. Yes, that’s almost definitely what’s happening here.

IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE 2

It’s Scarlett Johansson. This is undoubtedly a good thing, because she always improves every movie she ever stars in. Like, say, that crappy Woody Allen film. And Michael Bay‘s The Island. And He’s Just Not That Into You. And… oh, who are we kidding? Scarlett Johansson makes all films worse. Incidentally, the sound you can hear over this shot in the Iron Man 2 trailer is the sound of Gwyneth Paltrow grinding her teeth because she’s not the prettiest woman in Iron Man any more.

IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE 3

This is Mickey Rourke‘s big scene. His big monologue that introduces not only his character’s personal philosophy, but also one of the main themes of the film. So it’s a bit of a bloody shame that he’s decided to do it in a ridiculously impenetrable Russian accent. We think he’s saying “Ivooka may cobbley, pee poo wiseizto bleevim. Deyvill deploy dewatoo anna shaksucum. AHAHAHA!” But we could be wrong.

IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE 4

Here are some of the other enemies that Iron Man will face in this movie. They’re stormtroopers. No, wait, not stormtroopers. Footsoldiers. No, wait, not those either. Oh, we don’t know.

IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE 5

But, look, here’s Robert Downey Jr and Not Terrence Howard blowing some of them up. Poor Terrence Howard. He must watch this and feel so sad that it isn’t a wholly computer-generated image of a robot of roughly his size that’s blowing up other computer-generated robots in a film.

IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE 6

In this scene, Scarlett Johansson makes something hot fire out of Robert Downey Jr’s penis. No, wait, we meant she’s made his weapon ejaculate. No, wait, we meant she’s wanked off his metal shaft. No wait, we… oh, actually we were right. Scarlett Johansson has wanked off Robert Downey Jr’s metal shaft.

IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE 7

In Iron Man 2, the Iron Man suit can be reduced into the size of a portable suitcase. The moral here is that you should never stand behind Robert Downey Jr at airport security. If a line can be held up by someone not taking their laptop out of their bag properly, imagine what they’d do if he tried to put a fully-functioning flying robot through the scanners. You’d be waiting for hours. You’d probably miss your plane. He’s inconsiderate, that’s what Robert Downey Jr is. Screw you, Robert Downey Jr! You can stick your Iron Man 2 up your arse!

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Guy Ritchie may have already screwed the chances of a Sherlock Holmes sequel ever getting off the ground.

Well not Guy himself, but one of the blokes in his movie, a little known actor by the name of Robert Downey Jr. No, we’ve never heard of him either but we expect great things from his career.

Okay, enough New Year’s silliness. According to reports, despite having only just been spanked at the box office by The Over-long, Over-priced Thunder Smurfs movie, the chances of a Sherlock Holmes sequel being made are already in jeopardy. In a recent interview on The Late Show With David Letterman Robert joked about his new movie having a homoerotic subtext, in which characters Holmes and Watson are gay lovers. He also asked the audience whether or not Holmes was in fact “a very butch homosexual.” Apparently, a little well-dressed man-on-man love is enough to ruffle the feathers of the copyright holder.

From The Escapist:

The estate of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle has threatened to kill any potential sequel to the hit film Sherlock Holmes if it suggests that the famous detective and his associate Dr. Watson were secretly gay lovers.

Andrea Plunket, who controls the U.S. copyrights on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s detective stories, didn’t appreciate Robert’s particular brand of humour. She states that if the film does portray the men as lovers and if this were the implicit direction of the next movie she would pull the rights – leaving them well scuppered.

From Towerload:

Andrea Plunket, who holds the U.S. copyright to Sherlock Holmes is not happy that Robert Downey Jr. has been joking that the subtext of Holmes and Watson in Guy Ritchie’s Sherlock Holmes is gay. Said Plunket: “I hope this is just an example of Mr. Downey’s black sense of humour. It would be drastic, but I would withdraw permission for more films to be made if they feel that is a theme they wish to bring out in the future. I am not hostile to homosexuals, but I am to anyone who is not true to the spirit of the books.”

We like slightly skewiff sub-plots as much as the next lot. Avatar has the clumsily tacked-on love story – the point of which is to stop us whimsical lady-types from falling asleep during the multitude of action sequences. Alvin And The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel subconsciously drains you of the will to live – the point of which we are yet to ascertain. The Princess and the Frog wants to teach viewers about the joys bestiality, with that weird frog kissing bit. And Nine aims to play the movie equivalent of ‘How many actresses can you fit in a mini’.

Back to the thinly veiled, sharply-dressed point. Copyright holder Andrea must not be one of us sophisticated Webbernets people. She seemed to have missed the lulz in Robert’s late night commentary. In spite of the fact that he was probably joking – and even if he weren’t this is a plot twist that might actually make a dull as dishwater pretence worth watching – someone’s probably going to have to say “Sorry”, for all the confusion.

We think Guy and Robert should both tell Andrea to hop it. But quietly. Really quietly. So she doesn’t get her panties in a bunch again, and pull the plug on the whole thing.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, who rocks worlds wherever she goes.

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Iron Man 2, along with Toy Story 3 and Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, will be one of 2010′s biggest movies.

It’s going to have everything! Explosions! Robots! Robert Downey Jr! Sexy ladies! So many peripheral baddies that you can’t help but think that it’s going to be as bloated and stupid as Spider-Man 3! A man! Made out of iron! But what’s Iron Man 2 actually going to be like? Luckily an Iron Man 2 trailer has just been leaked to the internet, and you can watch it below.

What’s more, we’ve taken the liberty of decoding the Iron Man 2 trailer in its entirety, so you can make sense of all the flashing images and whizz-bang noises. This is because we love you.

This Iron Man 2 trailer isn’t much of a surprise. After all, for weeks we’ve been teased with posters and on-set pictures and international teasers and God knows what else, so it was only a matter of time before we were given actual moving evidence that the film existed.

However, Iron Man 2 has a hell of a lot riding on it. If it wants to repeat the success of the original movie and become the most entertaining movie of the summer until Christopher Nolan releases his film, then it’s going to need to dazzle and amaze and – most importantly – stop Robert Downey Jr’s slow transformation into Gene Simmons from KISS. Can it achieve all of this? Here’s the Iron Man 2 trailer – see for yourself…

We don’t know about you, but that all shot by so quickly that we barely know what even happened. Something about a robot, maybe? Let’s go through the Iron Man 2 trailer scene by scene to try and make sense of what we just saw.

IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE ONE

Oh look, Tony Stark is answering to the government. It’s just like the first episode of the last season of 24! Maybe this means that Tony Stark will save the world by trying to stab half a biro into Mickey Rourke‘s eyeball. Yes, that’s almost definitely what will happen. Iron Man 2‘s gonna be AWESOME!

IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE TWO

Here, for reasons probably too pointless to get into, Gwyneth Paltrow kisses a cold, soulless robot head. Word has it that she trained extensively for this scene by being married to Chris Martin out of Coldplay for six years.

IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE THREE

Wait a minute. Gratuitous use of the American flag? Dancing girls? A Russian baddie with an unconvincing accent? A talking robot? This means that Iron Man 2‘s going to be identical to Rocky IV! AWESOME!

IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE FOUR

Oh go on then, teenage boys. But hurry up. And wipe up after yourselves, would you? Jeez.

IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE FIVE

Blimey, Jodie Marsh has let herself go, hasn’t she?

IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE SIX

Robert Downey Jr and Don Cheadle dress up as robots and break things together. If you listen very carefully during this scene, you might just be able to hear the distinctive sound of Terrence Howard gently weeping to himself.

There. we think that just about covers everything. You’re welcome.

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Robert Downey Jr. is Sherlock Holmes…

Our inspectors are baffled by the mystery of it: somehow, our favourite Victorian hero was mistaken for Inspector Gadget. Guy Ritchie resurrects London’s drug-reliant super-detective and ditches his deerstalker hat for ninja skills and fruity dialogue. Accompanied by Watson (Jude Law), a plot involving the occult and other destructive powers sends Mr. Holmes on a mission fraught with explosions, bare-knuckle boxing and ridiculous acrobatics.

See him leap into the Thames from Westminster Palace, blow up half of London looking for criminals and get chained to a bed by a whore. Arthur Conan Doyle‘s quick-witted 18th century legend is dragged, kicking and screaming into the box office of the future, making a name for cheesy one-liners and walking stick martial arts. A sense of humour failure is expected from the purists.

Robert Downey Jr knows a good thing when he sees it – like handguns, lots of Class A drugs and movies directed by Guy Ritchie.

OK OK OK, so Robert Downey Jr doesn’t know a good thing when he sees it. Probably seven out of ten times he knows a good thing when actually he sees a rubbish thing. But Robert Downey Jr does know what things will make him richer than his wildest dreams, and he chases those things like a dog.

According to reports, Robert Downey Jr has signed a contract securing him to Iron Man 3 and an Avengers movie. This is particularly good news for anyone who, while enjoying the original Iron Man, really wants to see Iron Man get overtaken by an alien, grow an evil haircut and then dancing the Twist with Kirsten Dunst while cooking some eggs. For Superhero Law states that all of the above must happen in Iron Man 3.

Without a trace of uncertainty, we can definitely say that Iron Man was the best superhero movie of the summer, apart from that other one that everyone liked more. Definitely.

And because it was so successful, several new Iron Man movies are being lined up. There’s going to be Iron Man 2, where Don Cheadle will take the place of Terrence Howard, and that’s inevitably going to be followed up by Iron Man 3, where Don Cheadle will take the place of Gwyneth Paltrow, and then there’s going to be an Avengers movie, where Don Cheadle will take the place of the Incredible Hulk, Thor, Captain America, all the villains, all the extras, the director, the rest of the crew and everyone who goes to see it at the cinema.

But one role that Don Cheadle won’t be getting his hands on is the role of Iron Man. Robert Downey Jr has locked that mother down for history, as Variety reports:

Robert Downey Jr. is living up to his title as Marvel Studios‘ Iron Man. In addition to starring in “Iron Man 2,” Downey has agreed to return as billionaire Tony Stark and his crime-fighting alter ego in “The Avengers” and a third “Iron Man” installment, guaranteeing the thesp a superhero-sized payday and his own ongoing franchise as part of a four-picture deal with the comicbook company.

That’s wonderful news. We genuinely thought that Iron Man was a good wedge of stupid summer fun, and that’s a trend that’s bound to continue in Iron Man 2.

Then, obviously, Iron Man 3 will be such a stinking bloated corpse of a shit idea that everyone will start actively hating the franchise, and that in turn will kick off a relapse of Robert Downey Jr’s well-chronicled substance abuse problems, meaning that all the footage of him in The Avengers will have to be taken from the first three Iron Man movies and/or Chaplin because he’ll be an uncontrollable mess by that point.

But, hey, something to look forward to.

Well it certainly took long enough but The Dark Knight has finally fallen, to the might of Tropic Thunder and its wall of controversy.

While we all thought we would have to live in a world where no other films would ever get anywhere near The Dark Knight – a world where daily recitals of The Joker’s best speeches were made to be recited every morning in our schools, where every car is replaced with a Batmobile and where Morgan Freeman is elected King of Everything (with Christian Bale as his alleged muscle, obviously) – we have been proven wrong.

We worried for a while, but fortunately the ‘Greatest Film of All Time(tm)’ has been dethroned by Ben Stiller, Jack Black and a blacked-up Robert Downey Jr. And it’s sure to make the latter quite happy about it.

It would appear that controversy and notoriety really does help the fortunes of a cinema release these days – there were the obvious little numbers coming about before and after the release of The Dark Knight. It can’t be denied that the often-mentioned death, car crashes and alleged assaults had a positive effect on the fortunes of Nolan’s Batmasterpiece, and Tropic Thunder seems to have used the same technique to dethrone the four-week king.

Yes, there has been a lot of hoo-ha in recent weeks about the usage of the word ‘retard’ in Stiller and the gang’s Vietnam-movie comedy movie. Movie. Some people don’t like the word, and it’s apparently used quite liberally through the film.

But, of course, instead of looking into it and forming some kind of reasoned argument or debate about the issue, people just went and picketed screenings of the film, thus bringing it far more press coverage than it would have got without protests. And it would have got a lot of coverage without them anyway.

Throw on top of the pile the fact that one actor plays a blacked-up white man and you have another pile of outrage for the public to jump on. Shockingly though, this fell by the wayside with only a handful of comments being raised about the questionable portrayal. Possibly because they realised there was some satire at work there.

Either that or the blacked-up protesters couldn’t be heard over the legions of retard protesters. That’s as in protesting the use of the word, of course – we’re not calling them retarded for protesting the use of a word in a movie that is meant as a light-hearted comedy and a satire of the world of movies we are surrounded by today. Oh no. Not us.

Anyway – regardless of the retarded, blacked-up reasons that can be thrown around the fact remains – Tropic Thunder has dethroned The Dark Knight at the box office, raking in $37 million to the Baler and company’s $16.7 million.

If Tropic manages to gross more overall than Batman and chums then… well, frankly we’ll eat four gallons of testicle juice. Because that isn’t going to happen, even with all the controversy in the world.

Christian Bale looks likely to get away with allegedly pushing his mum about, if he pleads guilty to assault.

The Welshman, who no one seems to realise is Welsh, has been recommended to receive a caution by the Crown Prosecution Service for his alleged actions, should he plead guilty to charges next month. If, however, he pleads not guilty then he could be looking at more severe penalties, all according to the bastion of truth, honour and glory that is The Sun newspaper.

Though, let’s be honest here – he probably wouldn’t be looking at any really severe charges. A fine, a slap on the wrist and a bruised ego, leaving the Baler ready to take on Terminator 4 and Batman 3. Unless the authorities were to decide on making an example of him and imprisoned him for life – alledgely pushing your mum and sister about is no laughing matter, after all.

Especially when they apparently want money from you.

Last month saw Christian Bale arrested on suspicion of assault, and while everyone went mental thinking the guy had beaten some evil-doers to death with their own shoes, we soon discovered it was allegedly for getting mad and pushing his family about a bit. Not that we condone that kind of behaviour, but it was a bit of a let-down.

He didn’t even do it in his Batman costume, allegedly.

After being released on bail, Bale bailed from the UK to get back to work. That sentence was pretty unnecessary, but hecklerspray enjoys using the same word three times in a row, so hush down.

Anyway, rumours were flung around about the reasons for the alleged assault, until it was generally accepted that the row came about over money. Being rich and all, Bale was apparently expected to give over a fair wodge of cash for his sister’s kids, simply for sharing blood ties with these people. And he allegedly wasn’t happy, so he apparently made his feelings clear with some shouting and a push.

He didn’t, as some had hoped, beat up his clown sister. In his Batman costume. While on fire. Upside down. Such a let-down, honestly.

And now, bringing this whole debacle to an end, hopefully, we are greeted with the news that the only thing that will befall Christian Bale – should he plead guilty to the alleged assault – is a caution. All this news, all this coverage, all the speculation over the ‘curse’ of The Dark Knight and he’s getting told ‘don’t do it again’.

Maybe Robert Downey Jr can provoke a better reaction from the Baler after his non-too flattering comments about Batman, and we can get some genuine controversy going. A fistfight. In public. With both actors in full costume.

It’s not like Iron Man or The Dark Knight need any more publicity, it’s just that we need something exciting to happen that isn’t death, attempted murder, countries getting invaded or some crap sporting event in a country where people don’t exactly enjoy what you would call ‘freedom’. You know – just to keep us going.

Please?

Robert Downey Jr was known for some things, then everyone forgot who he was, then they remembered again.

And now that the people of the world once again recognise Robert Downey Jr in the street – and now that he’s likely off the smack and charlie – people are more likely to listen to him. So it comes as a nice big pile of fun when the man gets all ranty, decides he disagrees with just about everyone in the world and that he hates The Dark Knight, because it makes him feel ‘dumb’.

For once we don’t have to add much to that – it’s simply what he said in an interview with Movie Hole.

Speaking about the plans for Iron Man 2, the Marvel-contracted actor decided that he shouldn’t just talk up some vague plot points, speculate on what may happen in the sequel and start the ball rolling on some early hype for the upcoming blockbuster.

No – he would also stick the knife in in a pretty spectacular fashion, especially when you consider this is mainstream Hollywood cinema, people are likely to see what he’s said and it will get widely reported.

Just for that, we have to give Robert Downey Jr a special hecklerspray ‘Well Done You Have Some Balls’ award that we’ve just invented.

Congratulations, Bobby – how does it feel to be the first ever recipient?

Granted, he may not have threatened his mum, died or had a serious car accident, but directly slagging off a competitor’s film is good enough for us. Talking to Movie Hole, Downey Jr let loose this barrage:

“My whole thing is that that I saw ‘The Dark Knight’. I feel like I’m dumb because I feel like I don’t get how many things that are so smart…and I’m like, ‘That’s not my idea of what I want to see in a movie.’ I…still can’t tell you what happened in the movie, what happened to the character and in the end they need him to be a bad guy. I’m like, ‘I get it. This is so high brow and so f–king smart, I clearly need a college education to understand this movie.’ You know what? F–k DC comics. That’s all I have to say and that’s where I’m really coming from.”

Clearly not a man worried about burning any bridges… oh, wait, he went on about that too, the little git:

“You know, you’re never too old to burn your bridges because I believe I have offended everyone. I think I’ve got a couple more. ‘I’ll burn that bridge when I come to it’ is my favourite phrase I’ve ever coined.”

Well, we’re not going to argue with that.

Maybe years of drug abuse, carrying weapons around and getting arrested every three-point-four minutes is the recipe to make the perfect movie star – one who can actually act pretty well and one who has both an actual set of balls and a lack of inner monologue, leaving them free to say what they actually mean.

Set the plan in motion, Hollywood berks – prescription smack and a shotgun for Lindsay Lohan, followed by four arrests in a week. Maybe that’ll make her fun again.

Read The Rest Of It Here:

Movie Hole

So you’re Robert Downey Jr, perhaps the biggest movie star around right now. The world’s your oyster – so what’s your next move?

After the gigantic box office haul of Iron Man – one that’s likely to be repeated once Tropic Thunder is released later this summer – Robert Downey Jr can star in any movie he wants. But what movie has Robert Downey Jr decided to star in? A Sherlock Holmes movie, that’s what.

No, not the Sacha Baron Cohen/Will Ferrell Sherlock Holmes movie that was triumphantly announced earlier this week. Another Sherlock Holmes movie. A Sherlock Holmes movie where Sherlock Holmes is a musclebound action hero. A Sherlock Holmes movie where Sherlock Holmes is a musclebound action hero directed by Guy Ritchie. And there was us thinking that Robert Downey Jr had stopped taking drugs.

Occasionally two movies about the same subject will come out at the same time, and one always fares much better than the other. For every Dante’s Peak there’s a Volcano. For every The Prestige there’s a The Illusionist. For every Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves there’s another Robin Hood that’s both princeless and thiefless.

And it looks like we’re about to see another likeminded movie clash, because two Sherlock Holmes films are getting ready to go head to head.

One, announced this week, will be produced by Judd Apatow and throw together Sacha Baron Cohen’s Sherlock Holmes and Will Ferrell’s Doctor Watson. It sounds hilarious and is bound to be a giant hit. And then there’s the other Sherlock Holmes movie which will star Robert Downey Jr and sounds, well, cack. E! Online reports:

In addition to Conan Doyle’s tales, the film will also incorporate the Sherlock Holmes comics series, which painted the detective as more of a muscly action hero who just happened to be far more brilliant than his peers—and, most importantly, his adversaries.

OK, so it’s a Sherlock Holmes movie with a kickass Sherlock Holmes. That’s vaguely sacrilegious, but it will star Robert Downey Jr so it’s still probably worth the benefit of the doubt. That’s unless there’s another mitigating factor as to why we shouldn’t go and see it, like if Guy Ritchie’s directing it or anything stupid like that.

Which. He. Is.

So, in summary then – Robert Downey Jr’s first big film after Iron Man is a Sherlock Holmes movie that’s in direct competition with a much better-sounding Sherlock Holmes movie, his version will feature a steroid-crazed Sherlock Holmes and it’s all going to be directed by Guy Ritchie, meaning that it’ll basically have all the production values of a Cillit Bang advert and everyone will talk in shouty cockney voices like that bald knob from Masterchef.

Fingers crossed that Guy Ritchie hasn’t got divorced by the time he starts filming – this could well the only movie in history that gets better because Madonna‘s got a cameo in it.