Music lovers the world over were last Friday celebrating the news that Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson had decided not to release his forthcoming new album “Black Magic” due to an unspecified spat with his record company Interscope.

In a cruel reversal of fortune for anyone with ears and a brain, Jackson (we’re not going to dignify the whole “50 Cent” thing, much less “Fiddy”) has now announced that he has “begun to resolve” the problems so it looks like the globe will yet again be gifted with another turgid 45 minutes of monosyllabic mumbling and barely-concealed misogynism.

The big mystery is what sparked the whole thing off in the first place. We investigate…

Jackson, who has as many facial expressions as he has tones of voice – honestly, do a google image search, he always looks like he is struggling with a particularly vexing Countdown conundrum – threw his rattle out of his pram via twitter, as is the fashion these days.

Rumours that it was due to an executive suggesting that naming an album after a brand of chocolates last popular in the nineteen-eighties are unconfirmed at time of publication.

Jackson’s twitter updates on the subject are sadly about as clear as his vocal enunciation:

“Ok I tried to be cool with my record company. I went to the meeting talk to everyone and s**t feels like there moving in slow motion (sic),”

Not many clues there.

“I’m sorry to announce I will not be releasing a new album this year if we don’t get on the same page. I would rather not launch my album without a plan the whole system is executing.”

Not much better. “A plan the whole system is executing”? Really. What?

“I don’t know why they play with me. They know how I get. My whole career I’ve been doing s**t and they have been playing catch up. This is the last f**king album. THEY BETTER WAKE UP AND WORK.”

We’ll agree that he HAS been doing shit his whole career but he shouldn’t be so down on himself. It’s a big marketplace, not everyone can be talented.

Basically it all sounds like a massively girly hissy fit, with Jackson being unhappy with the rate of progress and deciding the best way to speed it all up was by cancelling the whole thing and refusing to play anymore, like a great big bellend.

Again, reports of renaming the album to the more popular “Milk Tray” brand of chocolates are unsubstantiated.

No official release date has been set. So there is hope.

Oh and he’s also writing a book, adding ‘poor writer’ to his personal credits that also include ‘dreadful actor’, ‘appalling musician’ and ‘video game character more convincing than the human it was based on’.

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As a female rapper, it’s Lil’ Kim’s civic duty to get in as much trouble as humanly possibly, but we don’t get the feeling she’s hungry for it any more.

Back in the old days Lil’ Kim could usually be relied on to cause a ruckus by lying about shootings and getting sent to jail for it or whatnot but, now that she’s a little bit older, Lil’ Kim seems to have taken her eye off the balls. Sure, Lil’ Kim still gets in trouble, but only for not delivering albums she’s been paid to make.

As such, Lil’ Kim is being sued by her record label. Although a little lawsuit might not seem like much, it’s actually an indication of something far far worse than any of us could have ever imagined – there are a handful of people on earth who actually want to hear a new Lil’ Kim album. We’re scared. Hold us.

Ever since she had a year in jail after being found guilty of conspiracy and perjury, Lil’ Kim has pretty much kept herself to herself. But don’t think that her legacy has diminished any – her music is still used by millions as a silky smooth lovemaking soundtrack. In fact, if we had a pound for every baby that was conceived to Lil’ Kim songs like Shut Up Bitch or Suck My Dick or Fuck You, then we’d have quite a hefty donation to give to that charity for children with really angry parents.

But just because she’s had a few years of downtime, it doesn’t mean that Lil’ Kim hasn’t been busy. She has. Lil’ Kim has been fantastically busy not doing stuff that she’s been paid to do, and that can take a lot out of a girl. Back in July Lil’ Kim was sued for failing to submit the manuscript for her autobiography that she’d been paid $40,000 to write.

And, while we don’t think we’ll ever get over not being able to read an autobiography by a woman we barely even remember exists most of the time, that’s not the end of Lil’ Kim’s problems. Apparently she’s also failed to finish an album she’s been given ages to make, as People reports:

In a lawsuit filed earlier this week, record label Brookland Media claims the Grammy-winner hasn’t delivered the tracks she promised after the company spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on recordings and equipment. The label also claims it spent $12,000 per month to rent a house near Lil’ Kim’s New Jersey home.

Hopefully this lawsuit can be worked out without it becoming too serious on either side. We expect that Lil’ Kim hasn’t finished the album because she’s just suffering from a touch of writer’s block at the moment.

After all, when you’ve had a career as long as Lil’ Kim’s, it has to be hard to think up new offensively blunt sexual song titles without repeating yourself. So, in our role as unofficial and unappointed Lil’ Kim lawsuit mediators, here’s a handful of song titles that Lil’ Kim is welcome to use for her new album:

* Queef In Ya Mouf

* Look At My Tits

* Pussy Like A Large Hadron Collider

* O Do B Kwyit

* I Like Sex

* Pot Noodle Clodge

* Give Me Your Dick, Actually Give It To Me, Saw It Off With A Hacksaw Now And Give It To Me Or You’ll Never See Your Family Again

* Acorn Of Bum