Prison is no doubt filled with horrible things – throat stabbings, for instance.

Richard Hatch must have felt like a kitten in a cathouse, then, when he and his throat were allowed to finish out the rest of their incarceration from deep within his sister’s house. Hatch had probably already altered his orange jumpsuit to include velvety frills and sparkles galore when suddenly there  was a pounding on the door.

It was the cops, and do you know what they did? They dragged Hatch off to a local jail, that’s what. What could he possibly have done?!

Richard Hatch – well he’s got him some money. He mostly earned his green as the first winner of Survivor. Since then he’s added to his incredible wealth by talking to lonely, easily impressed people on the phone, and earning interest on taxes he refused to ever, ever pay.

That’s what got him sent to prison, you know. It’s kind of good he went, in retrospect. After all, if he hadn’t gone then he never would have learned all those life lessons he got while blowing bubbles when his head was angrily held deep inside a dirty mop bucket. That’s what happens in prison, you know. We think we heard it in some rap lyrics.

Hatch was probably pretty excited to get out of the big house. His term wasn’t up yet, but some nice judge must have let him finish out his term from his sister’s living-room recliner. He probably walked in her front door, rubbed off his kool-aid fingernail coloring, and just breathed in that sweet freedom.

It didn’t last long. He heard somebody talking about him on the radio – and not just anybody. He heard former U.S. Attorney Robert Clark Corrente – the guy who had spear-headed the case against him. Corrente said Hatch was ‘a ‘…fat, gross, nudist with a hollow, echo-friendly scrotum,’ or something like that. Whatever the quote – it got Hatch hot under the collar – hot enough to call the station.

Which is illegal without permission. This, according to the Associated Press:

“The sister of “Survivor” winner Richard Hatch said Wednesday she thinks her brother was sent back to jail over an interview, and a radio station host said Hatch called in to his show twice without the station first getting permission from the federal Bureau of Prisons. Hatch, who had been serving out the remainder of his prison term for tax evasion on home confinement in Newport, was taken into custody and jailed Tuesday, just hours after interviews aired on WPRO-AM, NBC’s “Today” show and WJAR-TV. In those interviews, Hatch said the judge in his tax evasion case discriminated against him because he was gay. He also accused the prosecutor of misconduct.”

So, standing there in his sister’s hallway with police all around, a hesitant Hatch probably redid his kool-aid fingernails, touched his throat like he was gonna miss it – and then he was off.

The next time he finds himself with thinking time in a murky mop bucket, we just hope this retarded flub crosses his mind.

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Well now Boy George has more in common with them than ever. Because he too has been jailed for a crime that… oh no, wait, Boy George did chain that Norwegian prostitute up and threaten to kill him, didn’t he? In that case, ignore everything we just said.

Boy George has been sentenced to 15 month in jail for falsely imprisoning a manwhore. Logic states that he’ll be out in seven for good behaviour, but reality states that he probably won’t because he’s a dickhead.

When Boy George wrote Do You Really Want To Hurt Me, there’s a fairly solid chance that he wasn’t picturing a scenario in which a tattooed serial arsonist has got him pinned to the inside of a prison cell by his throat and is waving a rudimentary stabbing device close to his eye because of his reputation as a homosexual.

Which is ironic, really, since that’s probably how Boy George is going to be spending the next 15 months of his life. You see, Boy George has just been sentenced to 15 months in jail for the crime of a male Norwegian prostitute to a wall against his will and loudly threatened to kill him that he was found guilty of last month. The Guardian reports:

Boy George was today sentenced to 15 months in jail for falsely imprisoning a male escort by handcuffing him to a wall and beating him with a metal chain. Passing sentence at Snaresbrook crown court, east London, Judge David Radford said the singer’s offence was “so serious that only an immediate sentence of imprisonment can be justified”.

Of course, at the time Boy George believed that he was well within his rights to chain a Norwegian manwhore to his wall, threaten to kill and then beat him with a chain when he tried to escape, because he honestly believed that the prostitute looked at his computer funny or something – an accusation that we also thought could be punishable by chaining and beating and death threats. Goes to show what we know, huh?

As the judge pointed out in his sentencing, this jail term will come at a considerable cost to Boy George. There’s a very strong chance he’ll never be able to perform in America or Japan again now, which is a double shame, because American and Japanese male prostitutes are renowned for their tenacity and endurance when it comes to being chained to a wall by former popstars who now closely resemble extraordinarily dour potatoes.

Since he was immediately sent to prison, Boy George didn’t get to pass comment on his sentence today, but last month he did say the following to gig-goers at a show in London:

“I like to think you can say a lot by saying nothing. I’ll just say this: none of us are defined by our mistakes.”

Which is dignified and poetic and everything but, if you can say a lot by saying nothing, you can probably say even more by screaming “Fucking whore! Now you’re going to get what you deserve!” into the face of a naked, petrified Scandinavian who you’ve chained to your wall against his will. And that’s what’s important.

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No. No, obviously Britney Spears isn’t happy. In fact, judging by the slivers that have been leaked out about next month’s Britney Spears documentary Britney: For The Record, the poor girl seems sadder than ever. In the documentary, you see, Britney Spears compares her entire life to a prison sentence.

That’s not so bad, really – at least in prison you get three square meals a day, a bed to sleep on and as many violent bummings as a girl could wish for – but Britney Spears goes one step further than that. In fact, Britney Spears says her life is like Groundhog Day. And since that means it’ll culminate in a romantic encounter with Andie MacDowell, it’s clearly far far worse than any of us could possible imagine.

For a recovering psychiatric patient who couldn’t even feed herself earlier this year, Britney Spears has come on great shakes in recent months. She’s been granted increased visitation rights to her children, she’s got her professional life back on track to the extent that her singles go to number one, she’s allowed to sing alongside Madonna again and the thought of Britney Spears naked no longer inspires vomiting and madness.

So what’s Britney Spears got to be miserable about? Well, since you asked, everything.

As part of what looks like a trade-off with MTV where she gets to win all sorts of awards that she doesn’t deserve, the network is airing a warts and all documentary about Britney’s darkest days called something like Britney: Requiem For A Scalp later this month, and it looks as if it’ll be as wildly depressing as anything you could ever imagine.

For instance, now that her parents are keeping her personally and financially under lockdown, Britney Spears feels as if her life has become a prison sentence that she’ll never be freed from. Admittedly it’s a prison sentence in a jail that looks a lot like a sprawling mansion and, rather than get paid pennies for sewing mailbags, she gets paid millions of dollars to repeat the word ‘womanizer’ over and over to the sound of a Casio keyboard preset, but anyway. Here’s how Britney describes her life:

“I have really good days, and then I have bad days… Even when you go to jail, y’know, there’s the time when you’re gonna get out. But in this situation, it’s never ending. It’s just like ‘Groundhog Day.’ I’m having to pay for it for a really long time. If I wasn’t under the restraints that I’m under right now, I’d feel so liberated.”

Since historically Britney Spears seems to equate liberation with falling out of cars without any pants on, throwing up on relative strangers and smashing cars to pieces with an umbrella in bald-headed rage attacks, we’d argue that her current restraints are probably for the best for the time being.

But still, let’s just hope that MTV only decided to leak the most depressing segment of Britney: They Shoot Horses, Dont They. Because, honestly, if this is as lighthearted the documentary gets, we’re going to boycott the new Britney Spears album in case she ends up blowing the royalties on a nice new noose.

And get this – he’s not enjoying it. Apparently the prison service didn’t get Raffaello Follieri’s memo about the goose-feather pillows, double-quilted toilet roll or how he wanted a cell with a veranda overlooking the lake and, well, he’s thrown a bit of a strop about it.

According to reports, Raffaello Follieri has already requested to move jails because the one he’s in is unsanitary and he’s got blood in his urine. We don’t know exactly how Raffaello got blood in his urine, but since he’s sharing a windowless dormitory with 120 criminals and he looks exactly like the gruesome lovechild of Piers Morgan and Zach Braff, we’d probably guess that he’s been beaten up a bit.

Fate’s a bugger, isn’t it? One minute you’re living the high life, mixing with world leaders and filmstars on expensive yachts and then going home to have it away with one of the world’s most beautiful women, and the next you’re trapped in an airless room the size of a shoebox with dozens of angry criminals all sharing the same rat-infested shower room.

That’s the fate that Anne Hathaway’s ex-boyfriend and Vatican-based property scammer extraordinaire Raffaello Follieri has found himself in. Since he was arrested for conning rafts of gullible strangers out of millions of dollars back in June, Raffaello Follieri’s life has been plunged into a downwards spiral that’s involved being dumped by Anne Hathaway, being kept in remand because of his unusually high flight risk and, most recently, being sentenced to four and a half years in jail.

And all through this, Raffaello Follieri has taken all the blows like a man. Unfortunately he’s been taking them like an Italian man, which means that he’s done nothing but bitch about it all like a whiny little princess. He’s already said that he only started conning people so that Anne Hathaway would love him, and now he’s moved onto the state of his accommodation.

Raffaello Follieri’s lawyer has requested that her client be moved into a slightly more luxurious facility because the interim dormitory he’s being housed in is so dirty that it’s made him a little bit poorly. E! Online reports:

“He says that he cannot eat because the food appears to be spoiled and that the toilet and shower facilities are unspeakably unsanitary,” attorney Flora Edwards wrote in a letter released Wednesday to Reuters. Follieri is running a fever and has blood in his urine, the letter continued. “There is excrement in the shower and rats are roaming freely in the area. He says the stench is intolerable and his health is deteriorating.”

Spoiled food? Stinking, unsanitary toilets? Shit-covered, rat-infested showers? We don’t know where exactly Raffaello Follieri is being held, but we’ve got a hunch it might be Benidorm.

Anyway, we hope that Raffaello Follieri gets his wish and is moved to a slightly nicer detention centre as quickly as possible. After all, he’s in jail to be punished for a crime he committed, and he’s never going to learn how to regret his actions if he’s too busy squealing that his toilet smells like bums, is he?

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166 days after he went to prison for crashing his car spectacularly enough to require his friend John Graziano to receive constant medical attention, Hulk Hogan’s son Nick Hogan has been released from jail. And, with soul-destroying inevitability, Nick Hogan is now thought to want a reality TV show about his life on the outside.

It’d be a good show, though, because Nick Hogan is bound to have been though new experiences during his jail sentence and sharing those experiences will be Nick Hogan’s way of giving something back. The only question is the name of the show – there’s already been a Hogan Knows Best and a Brooke Knows Best so… wait! We’ve got it! How about Nick Hogan Remembers Getting Anally Brutalised By An Arsonist? You know, provided that happened.

As all sorts of crappy films are wont to telling us, sometimes life can really change in an instant. And that couldn’t really be more true of Hulk Hogan’s son Nick Hogan.

One day, Nick Hogan was simply the alarmingly square-faced and overprivileged son of a professional wrestler, and then it all changed – the exact moment when Nick crashed his car during an alleged makeshift drag-race and injured his friend John Graziano to the extent where he’ll need medical care for the rest of his life was the exact moment when everything went wrong for everyone.

First there was the immediate knock-on of the crash – Nick Hogan went to jail for it, then ended up in solitary, then got sued by Graziano’s family which made him look even more of a callous sod than he did before. It must have been hard, but not as hard as what the crash did to his family life – his mother and father divorced in the wake of the crash, and then both started to get off with people his own age.

Harbouring the mental image of his mother – who looks disturbingly enough like a man as it is – having it away with someone who he went to school with is probably punishment enough for his crime, but now Nick Bollea has served the prison part of the punishment as well.

According to reports, Nick Hogan was released from Pinellas County Jail early this morning, two months before completing his sentence for good behaviour. While Nick Hogan hasn’t made a statement yet, his mother Linda has already done it for him, as MTV reports:

“This is our time as a family to come together to support Nick’s adjustment back into the public life, keeping it as normal as possible. Neither Nick, nor we as a family, has any interest in making this anything but private. We respect the media’s role and only ask that they respect our privacy. Nick went into prison as a juvenile and has experienced something that will mold and affect him for the rest of his adult life. His focus is to make a positive difference in this world, media-free. Since his future actions will speak louder than any words, there is no need to speak to the media at this time.”

Quite right. There is no reason to speak to the media – especially since doing that will nudge down the price that Nick Hogan can demand for his inevitable sad-faced OK! magazine covershoot and accompanying interview in a couple of months’ time.

And the matter of the reality TV show is still a bit fuzzy. Although Linda Hogan says that Nick’s life will be ‘media-free’ from now on, Nick himself was thought to be keen on finding a reality vehicle upon his release, and the TV networks are bound to be knocking at his door with offers soon. It might just better a matter of when, not if.

Besides, what can Nick Hogan do for a living other than star in reality TV shows? He’s probably not going to be accepted as a bus driver now, that’s for sure, and we’re not sure that the only other job he’s qualified for – using his skull as a template for industrial rectangular birdhouses – even exists.

Yes, he served three years in a Vietnamese prison for molesting young girls, but when he eventually gets back to Britain – where seemingly everyone in South East Asia is trying to make him go – he’s not going to be able to sit back, relax and record his new album as he said he wants to.

Though we are convinced that being a convicted kiddy fiddler wouldn’t stand in the way of chart success.

But Gary Glitter is making it all rather hard on himself, by refusing to travel back to the UK to face his further punishments. Instead he’s running about like a paedo-Benny Hill from airport to airport around the Asian region he was kicked out of, being turned away from one country then the next as everywhere locks arms with the sole purpose of keeping him out.

Now we’re all for human rights, we can be surprisingly liberal and we believe in equality for all – but we can’t help but find all this delightfully funny. No one likes you Glitter, and no one wants you.

After being released from prison on Tuesday, Glitter was placed on a flight that would connect him back to Britain. On reaching hecklerspray’s homeland he would be met by police who would – after presumably stopping him from getting lynched by an angry mob, like we’re so good at forming in this country – make the glam-rock-pederast sign the sex offender’s register. His location and movements would then be monitored in a very thought policey way, though he’s a convicted child molester so we can make an exception for that particular Orwellian nightmare.

That was the plan, at least.

Instead, Glitter made sure he missed the connecting flight from Bangkok to Blighty by feigning first a heart attack, then a sudden bout of tinnitus. After waiting in the transit lounge for 24 hours, he accepted the offer of a flight to Hong Kong – probably expecting no one to have heard of him, what with that particular region having no connection whatsoever with Great Britain.

So it must have come as a real shock when he was refused entry to Hong Kong and instead forced to board a flight back to Bangkok, lest he be arrested for illegally being in the country.

If it were anyone else you really might feel a twinge of sympathy for them… oh well.

According to The Sun – a newspaper that once printed a countdown to when an underage popstar would be legal, yet at the same time prides itself on being something of a moral crusader – Gary Glitter said this while on one flight:

“God, am I happy to be leaving Vietnam and that jail. I should never have been in there.”

Though unconfirmed, one report (that we just made up in our head) suggests a response to this was:

“Shut up you fat old paedo, shave that beard off that makes you look MORE like a paedo and stop doing dodgy things with kids. You paedo.”

Unfortunately it would seem that Glitter will have to return to his home nation at some point, and stupid international law dictates that we have to let him in. As Colonel Voravat Amornvivat stated:

“We have to expel him to Britain, his homeland and the only country which must allow him to enter as he’s a national.”

Oh well, at least we know that if he survives the inevitable lynching, the press won’t ever leave him alone. Plus his new album will probably be shit.

Because we like Lindsay Lohan – how could we not? She’s given us so much entertainment, so many words to write and so much vitriolic rage to spew. It’s hard to be really very mad at an old friend.

But it wouldn’t seem that hard for Lindsay’s ‘born-again Christian ex-convict of an absentee father’ (copyright Stuart Heritage 2008), Michael Lohan, to give up on his own flesh and blood for mere ‘religious’ reasons. Big Mike has decided he can’t walk his daughter down the aisle should her rumoured gay wedding come to fruition, as it would go against his born-again Christianity belief system.

You’ve got to love religion. Especially when it’s one that you’ve been turned on to about four minutes ago. Whereas your daughter has been around for most of her life. Can’t argue with the man’s priorities, we suppose.

Michael Lohan has said from the very beginning that he would be fine if young Lindsay were to come out publicly as a lesbian, though that is pretty much a given. When you have a daughter that whores herself off to every man in the world (give or take a few billion), gets boozed up on booze every two minutes and possibly has a sex tape where she’s all naked and stuff, well – there’s a lot he’s had to put up with through the years.

Plus we hear Christians are good at that forgiveness lark, so she’s onto a winner there.

But no, it would seem simply walking his daughter a few steps towards her wedding ceremony would prove too much for daddio. Talking to The Scoop, who happened to be listening for some reason, Michael said this collection of words:

“I haven’t heard anything [about an upcoming wedding] from Lindsay, but if she was marrying Sam, I don’t think she’d ask me to walk her down the aisle. She knows about my Christian faith … she just wouldn’t ask.”

But it’s not all doom and gloom from the big Negative Nancy, who still supports his daughter’s choices in life. Even if he acts like he doesn’t, then tries to put any family members or possible family members through the wringer for his own nefarious ways. Michael Lohan went on to say, most likely continuing by using his mouth:

“I want her to be happy and healthy and stay on the right path. If I discuss her relationship, I say that I want her to be happy.”

It would appear to be pretty clean cut and straightforward for once in the world of the Lohans – she is apparently having a gay wedding, he sees this as being against his beliefs so does not wish to be involved. Fair enough.

But when is he going to admit that the real reason he doesn’t want to walk Lindsay down the aisle is because of what is waiting at the end? Frankly, even hecklerspray would be afraid of the sight of Sam Ronson standing at the other side of a room, looking at you as you slowly approach. She’s even worse when she’s wearing those bloody hats – it’s downright menacing.

If you’ve wanted to be in his gang for the last three years, but have been wondering what in the blue hell has been going on – fret not! For Gary Glitter is going to be released from the Vietnamese prison where he has been held since 2005 on child molestation charges.

Mark the August 19 in your diaries, devout fans and potential lynchmobs!

But what’s going to happen to Glitter – real name Paul Francis Gadd – on his release? Will he be able to survive in the real world without the benefits of correctional facility-based hospitals? Or will he mount a very public campaign where he continues to profess his innocence, even when no one cares enough to listen to him? Only time will tell.

Time that is, as well as an edition of People’s Police newspaper from this summer, where gangland Gary said he would continue work on an unfinished album once he was released. Yes, that’s right – Gary Glitter is aiming for chart success, mere years after being incarcerated on charges of child molestation. Some people just have no shame. And it won’t surprise hecklerspray to see that there are still fans of the weird-looking convicted kiddy-fiddler hanging around.

They’ll be the ones with a copy of his new album in one hand and their genitalia in the other, most likely.

Don’t let them in your homes or places of work – they smell quite bad. Plus, ignoring the dodgy aspects of their personalities, they’re also fans of Gary Glitter. Which should, frankly, be illegal itself.

Come August 19 we must unite as one people and keep on a constant lookout for freakish-haired old men with faces slightly like those of a troll skipping through our fair streets.

While we would never condone pre-judging someone or carrying out vigilante-ish justice, it’s probably in the best interests if the people of the world report any sightings of this convicted nonce to the nearest Skinhead Alliance, run by Barry “The Fist” McFist, offering detailed descriptions of his current position, movements and what speed he was travelling. They’ll handle the rest.

While hecklerspray wonders what gang we actually want to be in right now, seeing as we clearly don’t want to be in “my gang,” let’s take in what Chu Xuan Mau, an official from the prison Glitter is currently held, had to say:

“According to Vietnamese law, Glitter will be freed on August 19. The decision on his release will be read before him that day. It will be signed by the director of the prison.”

And, unfortunately, we can’t really argue with him – he holds the keys. Probably. Maybe figuratively more than literally, but you get the point.

Oh well – at least this means we can still legally makes jokes about Gary Glitter being into kids more than he should be. Better than most other celebrities, where we can’t even make half-hearted accusations. Bastards.

Rip your flimsy vest off and expose us to your leathery pectorals, stomp around huffing and puffing and generally be unable to wrestle. That’s the Hulk Hogan we know and love. Though, to be honest, that kind of behaviour has become embarrassing over the last decade or so.

But one thing you shouldn’t – you absolutely should not - do is to say that your son ruining the life of a friend through reckless driving is “God’s will.” Just as Hulk did the other day. Oops.

But it’s okay, as Hogan travelled to the Larry King Live show to explain that he was simply keeping his son sane. Which makes the whole thing perfectly alright; as we’re sure any normal person would surely agree.

But no – the selfish, evil parents of the now-vegetative John Graziano are not happy with Terry Bollea’s simple explanation. They have even gone so far as to claim that Hulk’s tears, shed at the end of the King broadcast, were not genuine. The nerve of some people…

In a statement released through the family lawyer, the Graziano family told TMZ.com:

“No matter how he tried to spin it, no matter how he tried to cry at the end, it wasn’t going to change people’s minds.”

Change their minds as to what? That Hulk is grasping at straws trying to piece together what’s left of his public image? Because hecklerspray certainly hasn’t changed its opinion one bit. Don’t worry Graziano family – we still think he’s pathetic in his attempts to defend his frankly indefensible little prick of a son, and we certainly won’t be swayed by a few choice words on a popular US talkshow.

If Hulk Hogan were to once again step in the ring with the Ultimate Warrior, however, then maybe we’d have a case for changing our collective hive-mind.

Aside from Hulk speaking what is widely believed to be utter tosh, the Graziano family also took issue with the fact that they were not invited to King’s show to put forward their side of the story. But to be fair, that’s to be expected – how is the Hulkster supposed to cry when he has a family, torn apart by the actions of his own son glaring at him? The fools.

Anyway, let this be a lesson, Hulk Hogan: don’t say things like this if you apparently don’t mean them. Especially if you know the conversation is being recorded. It saves you a whole bunch of hassle.

He had a wife, two kids, a huge house, a reality TV show, legions of adoring fans and an incredible moustache. Life was rosy for ol’ Terry, king of the Legdrop of Doom.

Then his prat of a son went and crashed his car while travelling at silly speeds, making a vegetable out of a good friend. Not content with ruining both his and his friend’s lives, young Nick Bollea went on to be incarcerated and was placed in solitary. Obviously, the Hulkster wasn’t too happy with this, but he kept up a brave front.

But while all this was going on, Hulk’s wife, Linda Bollea, decided she didn’t want to be married to the big man anymore and filed for divorce, demanding half of everything. Did we mention Hulk was also getting sued around this point for his son’s crash? No? Well, yes – that too.

Basically, Hogan’s life managed to go from rosy to a bag of shit in just a few months, and no amount of gesticulating towards the crowd for them to fill his ear lugs with life-affirming cheering was going to fix things. Even though it helped no end against the likes of Andre the Giant and the Macho Man.

But it hasn’t stopped there – and why should it? When life takes a dump on you, it really does strain as much fecal matter out as possible, just to see your reaction as you’re buried under piles of stinking turd. Hulk Hogan is still slowly realising that life is a complete and total fucker. As he decided to tell Larry King, in-between bouts of being a bit mental and religious.

See, Hulk had been calling Nick in solitary to keep the young tearaway sane. These calls had been recorded. Hulk was aware of this. Yet he was still surprised when they were released to the media. Hulk, Hulk, Hulk – when will you learn? After the storm of crud you’ve been weathering for the last year or so, how did you not realise this would happen? But he didn’t, as these words he uttered to Larry show:

“This was the only thing Nick had left. This is the privacy everybody had in prison… and to have that taken away? I was more worried than ever about his mental state.”

But what about the fact the Hulkster was clearly telling his son how to turn the public to his side? Surely he would back down on this, accept he was in the wrong and move on, admitting a mistake? No, he just brought God into it:

“I was trying to help [to] give Nick some type of relief because he [was] consumed with the unknown. I was just trying to explain to him that it’s ‘God’s hands’ or it’s ‘God’s will.’”

Which clearly shows that God hates Nick Bollea. Which is understandable, really.

So could it get any worse for Hogan? Well, yes, as it turned out that his soon-to-be-ex-wife is currently dating a 19-year-old ex-schoolmate of his son and daughter, Brooke.

And what did young Brooke have to say on the issue?

“I’m totally freaked out. This is really weird. I personally don’t like it at all or condone it.”

So there you go. The Hogans are pretty screwed up, really.

The answer to that is in solitary confinement. Nick Bollea has seen his attempt to be moved out of solitary at Pinellas County Jail overturned by a judge, meaning that for the foreseeable future, all of Nick Bollea’s meals will be fed to him through a slot in the door.

But Nick Bollea will get no sympathy from us. Spending everyday stuck indoors alone? Craving human interaction of any kind? Forgetting what sunlight looks like? Trying hopelessly to entertain yourself just to pass the time? Eating crap food? Come on, that’s practically what we do for a living.

As Hulk Hogan’s son, Nick Bollea must be pretty used to getting his way. Not because people are intimidated by his father’s strength and physical presence, you understand, but because they don’t want to waste a couple of hours watching an old man marching round in circles ripping his clothes and extravagantly feigning deafness in the mistaken belief that it proves a point.

But, as Nick Bollea has discovered, not even having a roidy-looking saveloy-coloured father can help him with some things. For instance, since it doesn’t have the facilities to properly cope with juvenile prisoners, 17-year-old Nick Bollea has been forced to spend the eight months he was sentenced to for felony reckless driving in an adult prison’s maximum security solitary confinement.

And this made Nick Bollea sad, because he didn’t want to be kept in solitary confinement. He wanted a roommate, maybe a screaming heroin addict in withdrawal or a twitchy wifebeater or something fun like that. Better yet, he wanted to go home and spend the rest of his sentence in the desolate surroundings of his parents’ multi-million dollar Florida mansion.

Not going to happen. A judge has overturned the motion to get Nick out of solitary confinement, meaning that he’ll have to suffer through the rest of the eight months eating slot-shaped food and slowly falling in love with his own chair. People reports:

A judge refused Tuesday to release Hulk Hogan’s son from solitary confinement, where the teen is serving a sentence for felony reckless driving. In a three-sentence order, Judge Philip J. Federico denied a motion filed Monday by attorneys for Nick Bollea, 17, claiming the confinement was “cruel and unusual punishment.” The judge did not disclose his reasons for the decision.

It’s a kick in the teeth for Nick Bollea, but it’s not the end of the world completely. We’re sure after eight months of being on his own, Nick will have developed all kinds of skills that he didn’t have before – like shadow-puppetry, the ability to heal injured birds and an impressively efficient masturbation technique. He’ll have gone to prison a boy, but he’ll come out of it a man.

A creepy man with an irrational fear of sunlight who mutters cursewords to himself, granted, but a man nonetheless.

Further rumor has it that while in there they all join together making beautiful music banging tin coffee cups on their cell bars and slapping out dope beats by smacking soap-on-a-rope into the bare bottoms of their cell mates. It’s all melody they tell us.

And on the chain gang they sing into their pickaxes. It’s just what we heard.

Whatever stories you’ve heard about rappers in prison before – forget them. They pale in comparison to this one. That’s because this one involves Remy Ma getting smuggled a possible means of escape by her rhyme-loving groom.

Remy Ma fully intended to marry a baby Indian while in prison, and for some reason that baby Indian had every intention of marrying her back. It’s what we assume anyway. Technically the groom’s ethnicity and age really haven’t come up a lot, but he does refer to himself as Papoose and he only wears moccasins and feather-laden Mohawks. We can’t make this up.

OK we did make that up – but what we’re not fictionalising is that Papoose, a man, showed up at prison to marry Remy Ma, a woman. Remy was recently incarcerated, remember? It was for shooting some girl in the stomach, and she could have gotten up to 25 years for it – but she only just got sentenced to eight.

Papoose doesn’t care though, he knows it was just Remy’s finger that pulled the trigger – the rest of her would never dream of doing such a thing. That’s why he’s still engaged to her, and that’s also why he still loves her so much he’ll wait for her forever – even if it means only be able to make sweet, slow love to her through the US Postal Service, MSN Chat every Thursday from 2:15 – 2:30, or occasionally to the wads of spit she tries to send him out her prison window.

Most of that isn’t fact. What is fact though is that Papoose showed up to wed his betrothed in a ceremony probably complete with little cubes of prison meatloaf that had toothpicks stabbed into them. Also they likely had watery prison Jell-o in paper cups and an inmate-reverend with a piece of paper that says he discovered religion and got the power to marry folks in year five of his lock-up.

It gets better – when Papoose arrived to tie the knot – he brought a handcuff key to apparently free his woman. According to Daily News:

“A wedding was scheduled today and a visitor to that wedding service was found to be in possession of jail contraband so the wedding was canceled,” a correction official told the Daily News. “The key that was found today easily opened handcuffs that we and other law enforcement officials use,” the official said.”

Whether or not there were any post-break out plans is unknown. We assume Remy would have ditched the cuffs and hid in the back of a laundry truck while Papoose wore the appropriate uniform and drove her through the gates to a waiting helicopter with fake Mexican passports and a 50 pound bag of guano.

It’s because that stuff is worth money down in Mexico – brown gold they call it for short. Brown gold with specks of undigested-insect they call it for long.

Read More:

Update: Remy Ma’s Jail Wedding Called Off, Papoose Found With Handcuff Key – Six Shot

Released less than a month into his 14-week jail sentence, Pete Doherty is now a free man once again, much like Ronnie Barker from Going Straight except a bit less funny and/or dead.

Still, even 29 days in jail is long enough for someone to become institutionalised, which means in the next few days you might see pictures of Pete Doherty stumbling around looking a bit confused and unwashed. Don’t worry if you do – it means he’s completely back to normal. Thanks folks, we’re here all week.

By our understanding, Pete Doherty being sent to jail for 14 weeks meant that he’d be released on July 15. But Pete Doherty has been released and it’s not anywhere near July 15 yet. It had better not be, anyway, because if it was, that’d make tomorrow St Gondulphus’ day, and we haven’t even started making our traditional anti-Gondulphus hate banner yet. Talk about an oversight!

But anyway, back to Pete Doherty. You might not have realised it, since the dreary trickle of stories about him hasn’t dried up at all, but Pete Doherty has been in jail for the last 29 days. And this morning he was released, a full 70 days earlier than he was supposed to.

Nobody really knows why Pete Doherty got such an early release from prison – although hopefully it was because wardens caught him writing more rubbish prison poetry and chucked him out before he had enough to turn it into an actual book – but Pete knows one thing, and that’s he’s not having any of this jail cell heroin addiction talk. The NME quotes:

“I managed to stay clean. I got my certificate. I was going to Sellotape it to the wall, but they wouldn’t give me any Sellotape. Did I take heroin inside? Complete rubbish. The prison didn’t release statements – it’s their policy to ignore it rather than acknowledge it [media reports]. I was in segregation for the last three weeks. The call it the block. Supposedly I was in debt to loads of big time drug dealers. All I’ll say to that is: chance would be a fine thing.”

And if Pete Doherty didn’t take any heroin in jail, perhaps we can effectively rule out any other stereotypical prison behaviour from his as well. Maybe Pete didn’t get any tattoos, maybe he didn’t nurture an injured bird back to health, maybe he wasn’t anally brutalised in a washroom at any point, and maybe he didn’t learn his lesson and vow never to reoffend ever again. Who knows?

All that we can be sure of is that Pete Doherty is a free man, and he’d be wise to use this extra time to get his life back in order as quickly as possible. Unless or course that involves making a new album or singing in public again. If that’s the case, maybe he should consider getting back into a self-destructive spiral of drug abuse or something instead.

Read more:

Pete Doherty: ‘I stayed clean in prison’ - NME

Nineteen-year-old Peaches was secretly filmed offering Jonny Blagrove and Cara Burton £140 in return for some unspecified goods.

Then Blagrove, ‘dealer to the stars’, tells Peaches what she wants will actually cost her £190.

The extra £50 quid doesn’t deter Peaches, she is after all the daughter of modern day Jesus, Bob Geldof, and it’s good to see the royalties from I don’t like Mondays aren’t going to waste.

Peaches is then reportedly recorded saying:

I’m going to need Valium tomorrow after this.

It is because of this statement that police strongly suspect something drug related has happened here, as Valium is often used as a comedown by professional users. But, until the investigation is carried out, who’s to say Peaches wasn’t buying £190 worth of Red Bull? We just don’t know.

Maybe she was buying an X-Box 360 with GTA IV off them? The excitement of getting her hands on that could require a good dosage of Valium to help her get to sleep at night, in order to get up early, refreshed for another day doing whatever it is that she does.

The secretly filmed footage was found on a memory stick that was seized by police from Jonny Blagrove and Cara Burton, as part of an investigation into what they suspect is a celebrity drugs empire run by the couple.

A police source told the News Of The World:

She will be interviewed some time this week and asked to explain what is happening in the video and why she is handing money over to the couple. It is all part of a large investigation into alleged drugs dealing.

And, on that very same stick, there is also the footage of Amy Winehouse allegedly smoking crack at a house party last January. One hell of a part going on in that pen-drive.

All the footage had been deleted from the memory stick but police, using special secret police techniques, managed to recover the lost data, which is vaguely terrifying.

Let’s just hope girlfriends don’t figure it out anytime soon, or else it’s time for an acid bath.

It has also been suggested that the filming was carried out by the alleged drug-pushing couple, perhaps in an effort to blackmail Peaches.

If it is found that Peaches did indeed purchase illegal substances, she could face a jail term but, as she’s a white, female, middle-class, first time offender and the daughter of Christ, we can safely assume a slap on the wrist will suffice.

Read More – Peaches Geldof To Be Questioned Over Drugs Footage – EntertainmentWise

So it’s weird that, since Pete Doherty went to prison a couple of weeks ago, we’ve heard far more about him than when he was a free man. Namely, we’ve heard an awful lot about how Pete Doherty has somehow managed to track down a load of heroin in prison and stick it all up his bum, or whatever it is you’re supposed to do with heroin.

But it turns out that these heroin stories were all giant lies, because Pete Doherty is completely free of drugs. We know this because Pete Doherty said so himself in a barely-legible note to a woman we’ve never heard of. And, as we’ve always said, you can put scrawled notes by convicted drug addicts in the bank.

Having seen several episodes of Porridge, we think we’ve got a pretty decent idea of what Pete Doherty’s life is like in prison. We’d imagine that hardly a day passes without an amusing scrape with the sergeant-majorish wardens or a hilarious investigative search into which lag nicked his tin of pineapple chunks. Either that or he’s got himself addicted to heroin again to try and numb the fear that a violent institutionalised prisoner will corner him in the yard and stab him in the kidneys. One or the other.

But wait! Just because Pete Doherty is perhaps the country’s most notorious heroin addict and he’s constantly getting arrested with drugs in his possession and he’s gone to prison because countless efforts to get him off drugs – including stints at British rehabs and Thai rehabs and having painful implants inserted into his stomach – have failed and most of his songs are about how delicious he thinks all drugs are and we get the impression that he’d lick a monkey’s bumhole if someone told him it was addictive and illegal enough, it doesn’t mean that Pete Doherty is actually taking heroin.

However, according to newspaper reports last week, Pete Doherty is indeed back on the heroin. The irony that Pete Doherty has become addicted to heroin again in the exact place where he’s supposed to be punished for being addicted to heroin isn’t lost on us, and if we had any feelings about Pete Doherty at all we’re sure this news would make us quite sad.

Actually, no it wouldn’t. It wouldn’t make us sad because Pete Doherty isn’t on heroin at all. He says so himself, as the NME reports:

A British tabloid newspaper had claimed that Pete Doherty was taking the drug in jail. However, Doherty has since sent a letter to a fan disputing the reports. Replying to a letter from a fan and NME reader, Jenny, Doherty wrote: “Watcha Jenny! All the best from The Scrubs. Tell ‘em I’m clean [i.e. not on drugs], countin’ the days until the next freedom gig! Yours, Pete D.”

Oh god, it’s worse than we thought – Pete Doherty appears to have replaced his addiction to heroin with an addiction to a zany over-reliance on exclamation marks. We’re not sure which one is worse, but the exclamation mark thing historically leads to harder misuses of language. Sure, at first you think you can control the exclamation marks, but then not even ending sentences with multiple exclamation marks gives you the thrill of that first hit. So you start peppering your writing with the term ‘lol’. And then, as we all know, you’re effed.

Anyway, the point is that Pete Doherty says he isn’t on heroin, and there’s no reason why we shouldn’t believe him. Well, no reason other than all the other times he’s pretended to have kicked drugs, but what’s a little thing like that between friends?

Read more:

Pete Doherty in jail: ‘I’m not on drugs’ – NME