Guess what?! It’s nearly February 8th! What does that mean? Well, that date marks the three-year anniversary of Chris Brown punching ten shades out of his then-girlfriend Rihanna! Ain’t that grand? It really is. The whole world came together like knuckles on eye-socket on that day.

And there’s more!

See, despite previously being forcibly separated by a court order, RiRi and Breezy (honestly, what is it with these nicknames? Are they 10 years old or something?) could be seeing in the anniversary together as multiple sources confirm that the pair have been secretly been (right) hooking up for nearly a year!

Apparently, the pair “meet up very casually,” (whatever that means) according to a Brown confidante.

“She comes to see him anytime she’s in L.A.”

“They can’t get enough of each other. I don’t see it ending well. Rihanna loves to live dangerously, and talking to and hooking up with Chris is all part of that”

To be honest, we’re thoroughly sick of the sight of Rihanna (seriously – three new singles out every 5 minutes and billions of pointless column inches about her supposedly edgy, risque sex life. WE’RE TIRED NOW) and Chris Brown is, well, famous despite a lack of decent music and a alarmingly quick temper.

And when Breezy isn’t trying to throw chairs through a window while tearing his shirt off like Hulk at a TV station, this clandestine Rihanna business is complicated further by the fact Brown seems to have a girlfriend by the name of Karrueche Tran.

Shrieking hysterically, Breezy rep says:

“He and Rihanna are just friends. He’s not cheating!”

As Shakespeare once said, the well-paid representative doth protest too much.

Either way, this kicks the door open in a wife-beater vest for a swarm of Team Breezy (fans of Chris Brown if you’re wondering)  to scream and yell the place down, demanding forgiveness for a man who has systematically failed to apologise for assaulting a woman.

The most virile 17-year-old on the planet, One Direction’s Harry Styles has joined the long list of celebrities who have had naked photos of themselves ‘leaked’ to the press.

The alleged picture show a curly-haired youngster posing with his member hanging out the front of his pants in front of a mirror, his face obscured by a camera flash.

The shadowy figure appears to be wearing Harry’s trademark silver dog tags, and is devoid of body-hair; his body seemingly needing the keratin to add even more volume to his white-boy afro. Why not take a look after the jump?

We’re inclined to believed it probably is the young pop-slut, purely because he’s not bothered to actually pull his pants down to take the shot, and we all know that X Factor contestants love a short cut.

That’s not to say that youngest shagger in the West hasn’t strenuously denied the suggestion that he got his bits and pieces out in a bathroom. He has.

Do you believe him?

“]

[Via The Daily Mail (We Know, Right?)

What? Did you think we were going to show you the poor lad’s lack of short & curlies? Well, we couldn’t find an image without the ‘area’ blacked out. He’s only 17.

Cool your jets.

There’s only one-way to find out if it really is him though: colour match it to Caroline Flack’s lipstick.

Oh dear. Poor ol’ Chris Brown has got his boxing gloves in a twist. See, he doesn’t like people asking him about the terrible things he’s done in the past. The last time someone broached the topic of him punching Rihanna, he tore his shirt off and threw a chair at a window.

And so, instead of addressing the issues and maybe saying sorry, showing that he’s grown up and wants to move on, he’s decided to go with another tactic.

In 2012, Chris Brown has announced there will be a ban on all interviews. That’s right. Tired of people pointing out you’re an idiot? Then stick your fingers in your ears for a whole calendar year and laughably suggest that you should be judge solely on your ‘talent’.

Tina Davis, Breezy’s manager, told Billboard magazine it was to…

“not have him do interviews but to concentrate on performing and recording”

“We’re not trying to be rude, selfish or disrespectful to anyone in any way. If people are going to judge anything, judge him for his talent. He signed up to sing and entertain. Not to talk about his personal life.”

Jesus wept.

We can now focus entirely on his awful, awful music without being distracted by his knuckles, quick-temper and pea-brain. Basically, we’re all being asked to dump our ire in one spot, as opposed to spreading it into two places.

We can absolutely assume that Brown will not be able to keep himself away from twitter though, so we’ll still have ammo to fire at him (unless of course, he gets all his correspondence vetted by his team first, which isn’t out of the realms of possibility).

Basically, this unswerving dimwit will balls this up somehow because he is completely unable to stop himself from wandering into trouble.

Remember the last time he let his hands do his talking instead of his mouth?

Bugger. A new year is nearly upon us which means award ceremonies will soon be in full swing. February will see Adele win every award she’s nominated for at The Brits because quantity of sales rules over quality of music these days.

The Brit awards are so dull that the most mind shattering event to have ever happened was when Labour politician John Prescott got a bucket of ice water tipped over him. Imagine if he’d froze to death or got his suit ruined?

For real controversy, you can always count on America. Back in 2009, Rihanna and Chris Brown were scheduled to individually perform at the Grammys, the only ceremony in the world where people honour country & western music. Sadly for Rihanna, Chris Brown got a little excited about the evening ahead and started fist bumping her repeatedly in the face. But hey, that happened years ago and it seems the organisers of the Grammys have completely forgotten this.

It’s hard to work out why anyone, apart from boxers, needs to use their fists for work purposes. Perhaps Chris Brown had convinced a record label executive that he should be allowed near a studio again, so he could record a poxy album for members of Team Breezy to go nuts over. At least it’s refreshing to see the gap in the market left by Michael Jackson fans is being filled by a new brand of hardcore extremists.

Once again, it shows that the world of showbiz is a much more forgiving place than the grim world the majority of people live in. When the Grammys come, you’ll see a large room that’ll be full of people who’ve committed all sorts of illicit activities’ from pro-sportsmen, actors and musicians. They’d still be applauded because they’re famous. Stick them in a rough council estate in Hull and soon good old fashioned public justice would quickly deflate a lot of egos.

It seems that, despite Chris Brown’s brutality rearranging somebody’s face, this hasn’t stopped him from being nominated for a number of awards. Just like all other artists in Brown’s genre, we can assume that he sang about issues such as bling, bitches, fast cars and his mega sized crib. But not why he posted photos of his penis on the internet. We’ve been told he’s up for:

“Best R&B album, best rap performance and best rap song.”

Because Rihanna is either upsetting Irish farmers or releasing a new single every other hour, she’s never been out of the world of music and has been nominated for best pop vocal album, album of the year amongst others. How’s it going to work at the Grammys? After only receiving community service work, there were other stipulations placed upon him which ordered him to have:

“No contact with Rihanna, barring him from appearing in any venue as she, and effectively banning him from awards ceremonies at which she appeared.”

But remember, Rihanna is all edgy and in your face. She’d change her middle name to danger if she could. Back in February she modified the restraining order so that:

“The two could be in the same room.”

We can only expect small talk over at the fondue stand or more realistically, anger from Chris Brown when Rihanna takes the cocktail sausage from under his nose at the buffet. Let’s hope the rumours that they’re sexting each other again aren’t true.

All industries are dominated by a few major players -  just look at the computer you’re using. It’ll either be a PC or a magical Mac that claims to aid you in ways you didn’t think existed. In the music world, different genres have varied leading individuals.

In the world of rap & hip-hop, there are plenty to pick from; ranging from Jay-Z, Nicki Minaj and Kanye. Remarkably, one person whose still has a career despite his woman punchingpast is Chris Brown.

Since his incident with Rihanna and other angry antics, it’s remarkably easy to make fun of Chris Brown and the rest of Team Breezy. Team Hecklerspreezy doesn’t mind being the crew to do just that. However, we’ve been alerted to a piece of satire that is amazing in a variety of ways. So stop reading our ropey sentences and watch Mac Lethal slay Chris Brown with some lyrical pancakes.

Actually, we’ve just realised that most people reading hecklerspray wouldn’t know the original song. So in the balance of fairness, here’s the original.

Though we advice you don’t listen for too long.

We don’t want you to suffer any anger bouts like Chris Brown does. Ten minutes with his music is enough to make you want to domestically violence one off on yourself.

Seriously. Listen.

As you’d expect, it’s a video with the same generic stuff going on. People popping their limbs aimlessly whilst cheaply hired models parade around in clothes that they won’t be able to keep at the end of the shoot.

Most shockingly, sunglasses are being worn inside by people. Automatically making them look like they require a guide dog.

But forget that, here’s what we all came to see:

Sometimes parody/satire videos can lose all of their wit after one play, but this is a genuinely funny video that not only rips the anus out of Chris Brown, but does so by altering the context in the most radical, unlikely and creative way.

If only all cookery shows and books were replaced by rappers instructed us how to make the perfect pastry with a rhyme accompanied by a dope beat.

In the UK, the only real battle we have is between “Team Peter” and “Team Katie.” Whilst they’re both like persistant scabs who scar the celebrity landscape, people are genuinely torn between who they prefer. Do you go for the ex-tit model or a bloke who is so fame hungry, that he went back into the “I’m A Celebrity” Jungle of Obscurity?

Over in America, there are loads of couples who frequently split up once they’ve bagged the cash for the wedding tie-in photos or TV special. Ain’t that right Kim Kardashian? Occasionally though, a celeb breakup can be real and quite literally messy as Rihanna found out when human Muppet impersonator Chris Brown splattered her pretty face across the inside of his car with his fists.

Only idiotic “Team Breezy” fans are willing to ignore his bout of domestic violence and his further dickish acts of aggressive behaviour, instead claiming that the Crown Prince of Second Chances deserved a 312th chance. Restraining orders and court visits have passed and lifetime damage has have been done. We’re sure Rihanna will be thrilled to know that Chris Brown will be moving in down the street.

As we know all too well, Chris Brown is one of those rapper types. You know the sort, they parade around wearing clothes that are five sizes too big for them, parade around in music videos with their “bitches”, “hoes” and other gardening equipment all whilse wearing an assortment of bling that looks like tin foil concealing delicious chocolate underneath.

Essentially, rappers like everything on a grand scale. The house he bought would turn Grand Designs presenter Kevin McCloud giddy. We’re informed that:

“Brown purchased the glass-walled, three-bedroom, three-bathroom house for $1,550,000, getting a deal on the home that had been listed at $2,669,000 in 2009. The bachelor pad, designed by Jay Vanos, makes use of chrome and natural light and has an elevator from the garage to the main house.”

It’s the new neighbours of Chris Brown’s that we feel sorry for. Imagine living next door to someone who has a bedroom with a glass wall. The singer isn’t shy on getting his shrivelled up Frankfurter of a penis out, as photos on the internet disturbingly prove. But why is he moving in the first place? Is it out of spite to get back at Rihanna? No, it seems that buck tooth Brown has a problem with the disabled where he currently resides:

“Brown is selling his current West Hollywood home due to parking issues, as all the spots near his home were allocated as handicapped spots and the singer accrued thousands of dollars in parking tickets during his time living in the home.”

God damn those pesky disabled types who won’t let Chris Brown shave thirty seconds off his journey home. We’re just happy that he hasn’t started punching any of his handicapped neighbours to see if they’re telling the truth, or if they’re just benefit cheats. But for those out there who may be worried about poor Rihanna having to live close to her abuser, fear not, it probably won’t be for long. A letting agent blabbed to someone

“Rihanna has already put her Beverly Crest property on the market for a cool $4.5 million.”

Rihanna better move quick mind, with Chris Brown arriving, prices in the neighbourhood will quickly plummet.

The battle of modern Britain’s intellectual heavyweights is underway on Twitter at the moment, as the cast of human zoo The Only Way is Essex are squaring off against QPR captain, and Mario Balotelli impersonator, Joey Barton.

Joey took to Twitter earlier in the week to announce that he’d attended the launch party of the new Call of Duty game, a party that was also attended by the TOWIE cast.

Whilst most people would be content to just stand in a corner, making the most of the free booze, slagging off the permatanned primadonnas amongst the comfortable surroundings of a group of close mates, the controversial footballer decided to take to the net to speak his mind.

Saying that though, we have a sneaking suspicion that Barton uses his Twitter feed as a way of backing up all his thoughts, freeing up the few brain cells he has to focus on other endeavours, like kicking a ball or remembering not to punch people with a lit cigar in his hand.

After a night spent referring to his fellow game launch attendees as “retards,” “lemmings” and, most perplexingly of all, “helmets,” Barton was greeted by a picture of the entire cast of TOWIE holding up their little fingers as well as a sign that read, “JEL JOEY BARTON?”

DO YOU SEE WHAT THEY DID THERE? THEY SAID HE HAD A SMALL PENIS! HAHAHAHA!

The battle of wits has now merely devolved into Barton, Mark Wright and someone inexplicably known as “Arg” sending abusive messages to each other in full keyboard warrior mode, very mature lads, the whole Country’s proud of you.

Perhaps they might try commenting on our website.

We here at hecklerspray are pretty certain nothing will come of this. As mental as Barton is he probably isn’t actually sure where Essex is, meaning there won’t be any Grand Theft Auto style rampages on the streets of Brentwood any time soon… unfortunately.

Also, let’s not forget that Mark is off to Oz for the annual ITV career-wank that is “I’m a Celebrity…” and Arg quite clearly has no idea what a Queens Park Ranger is, let alone where he’d be able to find one of them.

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If we were in charge of the Hip-Hop awards, we’d boil everything down to just one award which congratulated an artist for name checking themselves at least fifty times per song and rhyming words ridiculously fast.

But like any other dull awards ceremony, tedious trophies are given to anyone who wears an entire gold mine round their neck.

One of the most popular bucktoothed faces of modern hip-hop is none other than Chris Brown. Whilst repetitively hitting someone in the face would land the average person a long prison sentence, the opposite happened to our gormless friend.

It seems that fans of Chris Brown just love domestic abuse. We can only assume that “Team Breezy,” as they’re known, must have coined their name from the time Rihanna felt the full force of Chris Brown’s fists. Perhaps Brown punched her so hard it felt like a breezeblock was hitting her.

Music seemingly speaks louder than words with multiple awards being given to Chris Brown this week. Perhaps he threatened the judges unless he won.

Britain provides anyone who’s vaguely popular with a Brit Award and ignores all of the underground movements and genres that happen up and down the country. In America, it’s an official law that everyone has to listen to hip-hop, otherwise you’ll be suspected of being an immigrant who wants to bring nothing but pain, terror and torture to the obese citizens of the country that Uncle Sam founded.

It takes a lot to be a rap person. Thinking about it, there’s only Chris Brown, 50 Cent, Eminem, Jay-Zed, The Game and MC Scrot Bag who are making authentic rhythmic American poetry. So inevitably, the same people are going to win the awards they are nominated for.

But what did our wife beater friend Chris Brown win? Sadly, no award for biggest prick was announced for this year, but he did scoop the following:

Best Hip-Hop Video: Chris Brown feat. Busta Rhymes, “Look At Me Now”
Best Collaboration: Chris Brown feat. Busta Rhymes, “Look At Me Now”
People’s Champ Award: Chris Brown feat. Busta Rhymes, “Look at Me Now”

Now, we don’t often point out other peoples typos due to team hecklerspray writing most articles whilst under the influence of alcohol, deep fried food and narcotics, we have to point out that the “People’s Champ Award” should be the “People’s Chump Award.” Let’s remember that Chris Brown is the level headed dude who decided to run around with his shirt off whilst destroying the set of an American talkshow when questioned about the time his fists got a little bit excited with Rihanna’s face.

But hey, it’s okay, remember he committed his heinous act about two years ago, that makes him innocent! Therefore Chris Brown can pillage his way through more innocent people with a goofy faced smile and get away with everything, even though he never said sorry for his original attack.

Mel Gibson must wish he was Chris Brown.

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There aren’t many people out there who take Chris Brown’s past very seriously. Apparently, we should just forget all about the whole punching Rihanna in the face repeatedly and storming around a TV studio, shirtless, throwing chairs at windows.

It’s our fault. Not his. We should just let go. Despite the fact he hasn’t ever got around to actually saying sorry. That’s probably our fault as well.

And, in another move that’s probably our fault as well, Brown has been banned from entering the UK to perform at the ill-advised Michael Jackson tribute concert in Cardiff, because he has a criminal record from punching Rihanna in the face. Loads.

That’s right folks! Chris Brown thought it was a good idea to perform at the Michael Jackson tribute concert in Cardiff, which is timed perfectly to coincide with Dr Conrad Murray’s manslaughter trial and, of course, we don’t need to mention the vague tastelessness of performing for an alleged corpse child-botherer.

However, because he’s got his own chequered past, he’s been refused a work visa.

What’s so sad is that all of these events are our fault, not his. However, what is completely his own doing is the suggestion that… and you’ll love this… Chris would perform at the Michael Forever concert as a hologram.

Yes. A hologram.

However, US authorities decided against that as well, which certainly isn’t Chris Brown’s fault.

A source says:

“It would put a negative slant on the day. The family wants to make sure the show is a fitting tribute to Michael.”

Yeah. This Michael Forever show doesn’t need much help on that score. That’s not Chris Brown’s fault either. Poor, blameless Christopher Brown.

It seems he’s taking Michael’s place as Pop Martyr.

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We’ve all seen rather a lot of Rihanna over the years and she’s increasingly keen to tell us all about her sex-life. Basically, she’s now sounding like one of those highly sexualised virgins you find taking self-shots on Tumblr.

Ostensibly, she’s turning into one of those tiresome young people who can’t stop talking about vaguely risque sex, but regrettably, is very easy on the eye so we all gawp like sickos every time she flashes her arse.

Yet, as we know, last week Northern Irish farmerman Alan Graham asked Rihanna to leave his field after he spotted her running around with her baps out while she shot a promotional video. And now he’s getting hatemail from Rihanna fans who are clearly the most stupid people on Earth (not including Chris Brown and Queen fans, natch).

The hugely religious farmer, with his dirty fingernails and thousand-yard stare, said that the reaction from Ri’s fans has surprised him, with one calling him a ‘bible-bashing maniac’.

Mr Graham said:

‘I’m taking it all in my stride, it’ll soon die down’

‘To be honest, all this fuss has kept me back a bit. I’ve got straw to harvest that I haven’t been able to finish yet.’

It transpires that Graham is a supporter on the DUP, which of course, was founded by Grade A mental, Ian Paisley and now headed up by Peter Robinson who is probably still crying himself to sleep every night thinking about the affair his wife had with a teenager butcher.

Still, all these men are bound by a belief in God and a complete revulsion of gay people. You’ve heard of Iris Robinson, the DUP member who said she had a friend who could ‘cure’ homosexuality? You heard about their campaign called ‘Save Ulster From Sodomy’?

Great bunch.

And so, we can only hope that Alan Graham’s newly found celebrity sees him being offered huge sums of money to appear nipple-to-nipple with Ian Paisley in the pages of Zoo or Nuts.

That’s what normally happens with overnight celebrities, right?

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Wikileaks founder Julian Assange probably knows all of your deepest and darkest secrets, but it seems like no one wants to know any of his as his new unauthorised autobiography has failed to set the literary world alight.

Since being released last week “Julian Assange: The Unauthorarised Autobiography,” hasn’t managed to shift more than 1,000 copies.

Assange will undoubtedly blame the poor sales on some bizarre CIA conspiracy plot, instead of accepting the fact that no one really cares about him or his allegedly criminal penis.

According to the publishers of the book, Canongate, the slow sales have meant that despite all the media furore surrounding Assange and this unauthorised biography, the only people who have actually made any money out of it are Julian and his aforementioned, allegedly criminal, penis.

Assange and “little Julian” accepted an advance believed to be in the region of £250,000 from Canongate, which was then spunked away on lawyers to help ensure that Julian and his member were kept from being put behind bars in Sweden, following allegations of rape that were definitely part of one of those US conspiracies that sane and logical people always go on about at dinner parties or street corners, whilst wearing tin foil hats.

Rumours we just made up are abound that Canongate are in the process of asking best selling author Katie Price to knock up another draft whilst she’s between husbands, in the hope that maybe she would add some credibility and interest to the title.

Katie Price could not be reached for comment. Mainly because we can’t stand her.

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When Chris Brown was at school, we imagine that he was the kid who tried his best to do everything right, but always screwed up. But, as everyone knows, Brown discovered a talent he excels at over most people.

Team Breezy, aka Deluded Lovers of Chris Brown will claim it’s the size of his love sausage following leaked photos, but people living in the real world know he’s a champion boxer.

Granted, he hasn’t battled anyone in the ring, though Rihanna has first-hand experience of how a buck toothed twerp gets rid of his frustrations. But don’t worry; all he needed to do was show he was a kind and caring individual by recording a song with crooning foetus Justin Bieber, making everything as right as a jab to the face.

Chris Brown is still capable of selling twelve tickets to fans in America though.

That said, the swaggering didn’t exempt him from a slip when performing live the other night. We have video. A video of Chris Brown falling on his stupid, stupid arse.

Unfortunately, we can’t find an edited copy of the video, so please skip the insipid music by moving to the three minute mark in the video.

We don’t want your ears to vomit do we?

Following this LOL moment, we hope that Chris Brown didn’t store up his anger of looking like an embarrassment and smash-up the catering stand in his dressing room following his performance.

The set of Good Morning America suffered a battering from the weak R&B singer when he appeared on the show when the presenters, quite justifiably, asked him why he slapped a woman around. Brown shrugged his shoulders before breaking a window and running around topless.

This time, in public at least, Chris Brown responded well to his stumble and managed to pick up the pieces to sing to his audience of tens. The little slugger even tried to make light of the situation by saying:

“I know y’all see me bust my ass! It’s because I love y’all!”

That’s right everyone, according to Chris Brown, if you want to show your love for friends, family or peers, don’t give them hugs or overpriced gifts. Instead, just fall over and then immediately get back up.

You might initially think they’re moronic or suffering a stroke, but according to the coolest cat in R&B, this is how you demonstrate mad love.

Since a judge told Chris Brown he can’t show his affections through beatings, we guess he’s had to change somehow.

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Northern Ireland is a strange bit of the world to visit. For starters, they call underpants ‘gonks’. Secondly, they still have a man sat in a broom cupboard introducing Coronation Street. He’s called Julian and we’re told he’s the only official homosexual in the North of Ireland.

Apart from Julian, Niron had a brush with another superstar, this time, Rihanna. She was filming a video in a corn field in Bangor.

However, things took a turn for the filthy when Rihanna got her breasts out, causing an incident with a local farmer… and you don’t mess with Northern Irish farmers or you might end up in a shallow pit covered in lime, just behind the shed filled with contraband machine guns.

While filming the promotional video for her new Calvin Harris collaboration (called ‘We Found Love’, which isn’t great and can be heard at the foot of the article), RiRi was dancing around in a red bikini top. For some reason, she decided to removed the top and get ‘em out.

It most certainly won’t have been anything to do with it being too hot.

The farmer who owned the land sadly caught sight of Rihanna’s chesticles and wasn’t having any of it.

Alan Graham told BBC News:

“I thought it was inappropriate. I requested them to stop and they did. I had my conversation with Rihanna and I hope she understands where I’m coming from. We shook hands.”

Get that? Rihanna’s breasts were quite possibly still on show while she gingerly shook hands with a farmer from Bangor. In fairness, Alan Graham probably didn’t find the whole thing at all sexual because, as we all know, farmers look at everything like it’s livestock.

He was more likely to be weighing her up with regard to childbirth or being able to carry inordinately heavy items down a sodden field in November.

He wasn’t done either. He added:

“I didn’t know who was coming. If the name ‘Rihanna’ had been mentioned, well, no disrespect but it wouldn’t have meant anything.

“From my point of view, it was my land, I have an ethos and I felt it was inappropriate. I wish no ill will against Rihanna and her friends. Perhaps they could acquaint themselves with a greater God.”

Amazing.

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Chris ‘Slugger’ Brown. He’s a really famous guy isn’t he? He’s been welcomed back to the fold after he punched Rihanna so many times that she almost looked unattractive. Almost. You still would’ve, right?

Anyway, ol’ good-with-his-hands Brown has mystifyingly been let-off for domestically abusing one-off all over RiRi’s face, which must provide great hope for Mel ‘I only slapped her because she was mental’ Gibson.

We’re not the only ones who think it a little odd that Team Breezy think that we should just forget about all that punching a woman business because he’s made some awful soul-pop records. Some chap called Andy Levy made a really good joke about Brown’s fondness of caressing a lady’s face with his knuckles, and has since apologised in a way that Brown and his fans won’t like one bit.

Commentator/comedian Andy Levy went toe-to-toe with Chris ‘Clubber’ Brown on Twitter, and of course, Brown’s fans went nutso over it all.

Not surprisingly really when they’re quite clearly the dimmest humans on Earth right now.

Basically, Levy made a joke on twitter, which made a reference to Brown’s use of his bony hands in and around a woman’s face.

Look. This is the joke. He replaced ‘planking’ with ‘punching’. That’s hecklerspray level of base-trolling.
Naturally, it all went off, leaving Levy to go on-air and make the most cack-handed apology ever. Seriously. While he’s a little heavy-handed at times, it’s still pretty funny.

So, less chat, and watch this video.

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After going out with Chris ‘Fists’ Brown, Rihanna has been looking out for someone to dominate her in the bedroom, but in a nice way. Not a Chris Brown way. She said she liked to be treated like a lady, but sometimes, she wants to err on the side of slap, rather than tickle.

And so, with half of the men on Earth sticking their hand up and saying “I’ll do it! I’ll do it!”, she’s rumoured to be hunkering down with someone called Love God.

If anyone can give a lady what she needs, it would be someone called Love God. Unless, of course, they happen to be all gob and no trousers.

While she was back to her native Barbados, she decided to jiggle her jigglies around wearing very, very little (as you can see below).

And during this time, it is rumoured that she hooked up with an old flame.

She was spotted bogling with Love God (or Negus Sealy to his nana) at the Kadooment Day carnival on Monday and they’ve been inseparable since.

Literally you might assume. Perhaps the two have become attached like dogs in heat, in which case, someone get a hose on them to sort it out.

“Negus has hardly left her side. He was her first true love. The ladies here all love him – they call him the Love God”

“They’ve hooked up in the past when she’s been back in Barbados but now things have progressed into a proper relationship again.”

Rihanna and Negus first courted each other in 2006, but alas, she had to go away and be really, really famous instead. You don’t care though. You’ve been avoiding these words in favour of dribbling over the picture of RiRi at the Kadooment Day carnival haven’t you?

Oh well.

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