According to reports, Nicole Kidman has signed up to play Einar Wegener – the world’s first male-to-female post-op transsexual – in a movie adaptation of the novel The Danish Girl. It sounds like playing Wegener could be the biggest gamble of Nicole Kidman’s career, but we’re certain that she’ll cope with it.

Why? Two reasons. Firstly, Nicole Kidman’s face is now so unsettlingly immobile that at least if she has a penis flapping about between her legs we’ll be able to know when she’s sexually aroused, which is one more identifiable emotion than she’s been able to convincingly deliver recently. Secondly, Nicole Kidman knows about getting your dick removed – she did get divorced from Tom Cruise, remember.

Nicole Kidman has made some blinding movies lately, hasn’t she? Like that one where she had it off with a 10-year-old boy because she thought he was her dead husband. That was a good one, although not as good as the one where she played a woman famous for taking photos of a hairy man. Oh, and who can forget the remake of Invasion Of The Body Snatchers where she screams a lot and beats up little Asian kids with a bed?

However, chances are you didn’t see any of those movies because, well, because nobody did. Just like nobody saw Bewitched, The Golden Compass or Margot At The Wedding. In fact, things have got so bad for Nicole Kidman professionally that she was recently named the worst-value actress in Hollywood.

And now that Nicole Kidman has taken some time out to have a baby and give some genuinely uncomfortable interviews about it, it’s time for her to make her dramatic comeback. How does she plan to do that? By getting her agent to seek out a surefire blockbuster for her to star in? By securing a small part in a comedy to show that she can make fun out of herself, Tom Cruise-style?

No. Nicole Kidman has decided to stage her comeback by making a film about a man who his his willy chopped off. Worse still, it’s a Danish man. Reuters reports:

The Australian actress will star in and produce “The Danish Girl,” based on the true story of Danish artists Einar and Greta Wegener… Greta encouraged her husband to adopt [a] female guise. What began as a harmless game led Einer to a metamorphosis and landmark 1931 operation that shocked the world and threatened their love.

Of course, Nicole Kidman should find playing a man particularly easy – her rigid batlike face makes it perfect to convey masculine suppressed emotion, for instance, plus she’s married to Keith Urban and he’s a man. She should get into practise for the role by copying his mannerisms. Not all of them, obviously, because we’re not sure how many Danish transsexuals from the 1930s were roaring drunk rednecks who look, act and talk exactly the same as Sawyer from Lost, but some of them.

But still, it’s easy to see why Nicole Kidman has decided to play a post-op transsexual. After all, she won an Oscar for playing a lesbian in The Hours, and Hilary Swank won an Oscar for play a transgendered boy, so it seems certain that The Danish Girl will be an expressway to Oscar glory for her. Provided, of course, that the Academy introduces a category for Best Shameful Pandering To Oscar Voters By A Woman Rendered Inscrutable By What Appears To Be Botched Cosmetic Surgery. It’s in the bag if that happens.

Why? Because a new chapter has been opened in the supremely entertaining he said/ she said lawsuits between Rob Lowe and his former nannies. Now a second former nanny has sued the Lowes, but funnily enough Rob Lowe’s name doesn’t really come up.

Instead it’s Rob Lowe’s wife Sheryl Lowe who’s been hit with the brunt of accusations, and they’re ones you’ll want to read. Assuming, that is, you like hearing about a sexually-curious naked woman describing the size of her childrens’ penises and showing Rob Lowe’s cockrings to whoever happens to be passing. You do like that, don’t you?

Every man knows that if you’re going to hire a nanny, you need to hire one you can trust to keep quiet when you get drunk and start trying you put your hands in her pants. It’s an unwritten rule, and it’s one that Rob Lowe seems to have forgotten about.

Maybe it’s because he decided to sue his nannies for a million dollars for incredibly vague reasons, but Rob Lowe and his staff seem to have fallen out in a big way. Although on TV with his stupid right-angled head and solitary facial expression Rob Lowe looks like a bit of a dullard, according to his nannies his house is like a scene deleted from Caligula for being too randy.

Right after Rob Lowe launched his lawsuit, a nanny named Jessica Gibson hit back with a countersuit claiming that Lowe had exposed himself to her and tried to put his fingers in her pants. But just before you start thinking “Oh, his poor wife,” it turns out that she might not be so squeaky clean either.

Another former nanny, Laura Boyce, has also countersued the Lowe family and, as TMZ reports, her lawsuit makes some pretty fruity claims about Sheryl Lowe, including allegations of:

- Walking around naked, completely exposing herself to Boyce.

- Asking Boyce about the size of Boyce’s boyfriend’s penis.

- Once saying “laughingly that her husband’s (Rob) cockrings were broken,” allegedly showing them to Boyce.

- Talking about the size of her children’s penises.

- After Boyce allegedly phoned to say she wasn’t coming to work because she was sick, Sheryl allegedly screamed Boyce “got strep throat from sucking nigger dick. I mean black dick.”

Well well, who’d have thought that a woman who married the alcoholic star of a notorious underage sex tape could be so kinky?

Rob and Sheryl Lowe’s attorney Larry Stein has already hit back at Laura Boyce’s claims in a statement, saying:

“Having struck out against Rob Lowe, Gloria Allred now seeks to drag his wife and children into the fray. In response to a lawsuit against Laura Boyce by the Lowes, Ms. Allred filed a cross-complaint on behalf of Boyce, which contains false allegations, in an apparent attempt to divert the negative publicity which Allred’s client, [Jessica] Gibson, has universally received. Although framed as a sexual harassment claim against both Sheryl and Rob Lowe, the cross-complaint alleges only words by Sheryl and never mentions any words or conduct by Rob whatsoever. The alleged statements by Sheryl are totally unrelated to, and do not provide any support for, Gibson’s claims against Rob.”

So it looks like we’re back at square one again. Who to believe – the nannies, who could just be bitterly inventing claims as revenge for Rob Lowe’s original lawsuit; or Rob Lowe, who’s already wrecked his career with a sex scandal once, and his penis-obsessed wife?

It’s a tricky one, and we’re sure the truth will eventually come out in court. And we’re fine with that, so long as a) it’s mucky and graphic and goes on for months and months and contains ever more degrading allegations that nobody can recover from and b) it doesn’t involve Rob Lowe having to model his cockring in public. The world’s just not ready for a harrowing experience like that yet.

Read more:

Nanny Claims Rob Lowe’s Wife Sexual Harasser – TMZ

So today should be like Christmas for them, because Daniel Radcliffe – who, as Harry Potter, is basically King Child Star – has announced that he’s taking his production of Equus to America, where it will play in Broadway from September.

Equus. You know. Equus. The play that explores the ethical ambiguity of free will versus the enforced conventions of societal normality as laid out by the Bible and psychiatric practices. The play that, through the unique on-stage seating plan, forces the audience to confront notions of voyeurism and artifice for themselves. Oh, alright – the play where Harry Potter gets his penis out, waggles it around and then stabs a bunch of horses in the eye. Happy now?

Look out New York, Harry Potter’s naked penis is coming to enslave your city. Sure, you think the idea of looking at Harry Potter’s penis is kind of fun and silly now, but just you wait – after 15 seconds of watching Harry Potter’s gently-undulating ballsack you’ll be hypnotised and completely under his power. So don’t come running to us when you wake up the following morning and can’t work out why one of your eye sockets smells like wizard testicle.

Which we suppose is the most graceful way we could think of to tell you that Daniel Radcliffe is taking his hugely successful Equus run to Broadway later this year. Yes, soon even Americans will be able to experience the disquieting psychological onslaught of a play about a boy who stabs horses in the eye and makes a doctor dream that he’s ripping the hearts out of hundreds of crying children while dressed in a golden priest’s mask.

But let’s dispense with any talk of the actual play, because Equus will be a draw for one thing only – Harry Potter’s naked penis. It was Harry Potter’s naked penis that made Equus a success in Britain and it’s what’ll make Americans go and see it too. The Associated Press reports:

Daniel Radcliffe, the star of the “Harry Potter” movies, will make his Broadway debut on Sept. 5, playing the disturbed stable boy in a revival of Peter Shaffer’s play, “Equus,” it was announced Tuesday. “Equus” begins previews Sept. 5 for a limited 22-week run at the Broadhurst Theatre. The play opens Sept. 25-Feb. 8, 2009. Thea Sharrock directs.

Already plans are afoot to make everyone in New York sure that they know all about Harry Potter’s naked penis. There’ll the be obligatory late night talk show interviews, plus heavy coverage in the press and – if all goes according to plan – Daniel Radcliffe will announce his entrance into New York by smacking the head off the Statue Of Liberty like the Cloverfield monster. With one of his bollocks.

And we’re sure that Harry Potter’s naked penis will be quickly accepted into the New York theatrical community. Let’s not forget that New York is a city that loves public nudity – Lindsay Lohan didn’t get naked in New York magazine for nothing, you know – and there’s nothing more erotic than a young man stripping off at the behest of a non-existent equine deity, as the city’s cavalcade of Hot Teen Boy & Berserk Imaginary Horse God cock bars will attest.

Yes, Harry Potter’s naked penis, you will do well there.

Read more:

Radcliffe to Make B’way Debut in Fall – AP

And what do you know, it looks very much like the latter. Daniel Radcliffe's Equus replacement has been named as Alfie Allen – brother of Lily Allen, son of Keith Allen and subject of a pop song about what a lazy pot-smoking waster Alfie Allen is. Although Alfie Allen has had a few small acting roles in the past, Equus will mark the first time he's ever got his knob out and blinded a horse with a spike at the behest of a disturbing horse-god onstage. Not that he'll be doing that any more, of course – to suit Alfie's slightly chavvy tendencies, the storyline of Equus has now been altered so that now Alfie will just need to get naked and happyslap a horse outside JD Sports, then run home and upload it to YouTube.

Equus is something of a magical play. Not only does it raise important questions about freedom of spirit when altered by psychiatric treatment, but until recently it was the only place where you could see Harry Potter with his wanger out. Looking back, it was a masterstroke for Daniel Radcliffe to sign up for Equus – at once it removed him from the children's movies for which he was famous and increased his credentials as a serious actor. It helped that he was good in the play, too – everyone loved Harry Potter in Equus. The Telegraph called Daniel Radcliffe a "thrilling stage actor of unexpected range and depth" and hecklerspray commenter Jazmin added "I SAW HIS COCK IT HUGE…I WISH HE WAS MY HUSBAND…HIS FUCKIN HOT…WISH I HAD GONE 2 THAT PLAY!=(."

But Daniel Radcliffe couldn't star in Equus forever, because eventually his pubes would have gone grey and freaked everyone out, so instead the producers of Equus have decided to recast the lead role. And which lucky actor has the honour of superseding Daniel Radcliffe? Why, it's Lily Allen's brother Alfie Allen. You may have seen Alfie Allen in a small role in Atonement this year, or as Berkhamp On Double Bass in 2004's critical smash-hit Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London, or you might just know Alfie Allen from that song Lily Allen wrote about him where he was played in the video by a muppet in a hoodie. Either way, you'll be able to see his penis before very long. And, as The Times reports, Alfie Allen's reputation didn't harm him one bit:

Lily immortalised her brother in the song, Alfie, which begins: "My little brother's in his bedroom smoking weed, I tell him he should get up 'cos it's nearly half past three." But Equus producer David Pugh said he made sure the young actor had changed his ways before hiring him. He told the Daily Mail: "We arranged an 8am breakfast at the Wolseley restaurant with (writer) Peter Shaffer and Alfie to see if he was still a stay-in-bed-all-day kind of boy, but I think he was the first to arrive." Shaffer recommended Alfie after seeing him in the Keira Knightley film Atonement.

Although it'd be absurd to assume that Alfie Allen in Equus will generate even a fraction of the media frothing that Daniel Radcliffe caused, we should add that he's probably more genetically disposed to nudity than Radcliffe ever was. Anyone who's ever seen Shallow Grave has seen his father's penis, for example, so maybe that brave streak of proud exhibitionism is present within Alfie too, which should make his Equus electrifying. Of course, there's an equal chance that Alfie Allen is genetically predisposed to having superfluous nipples covering most of his body, too. In which case, you know, ugh.

Read more:

Theatre Role For Lily Allen's Little Brother Alfie – Times