It’s a question we’ve been asking ourselves a lot lately – old-timey bearded pirate or modern-day Somalian pirate? It’s a difficult decision.

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ClickPlay 2 is adorable and frustrating at the same time, much like a beautiful woman or a puppy who won’t stop pooing on your carpet.

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Holy Jesus, Ultimate Assassin 2 has got to be the tensest game we’ve ever played. It’s unbearably tense. It’s beyond tense. It’s heart-poundingly, pant-poopingly tense.

We mean it. The aim of Ultimate Assassin 2 is to kill a single target and then escape the room without detection. But that’s almost impossible thanks to all the roaming security guards whose glances you have to avoid. Ultimate Assassin 2 is all about stealth and patience – if you have to wait in a corner doing absolutely nothing for a couple of minutes to accomplish your kill, then that’s what you have to do. But, God, it’s a phenomenally good game.

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As far as we can tell, you can’t die in Small Worlds. You just sort of wander around a bit.

But, Jesus on a skateboard, is it ever fun. Small Worlds is essentially an exploration game, where every step you take shows you more and more of your surroundings. It’s not an urgent game by any means, but play it for a while and you might just be pleasantly surprised. It’s won awards, you know. That counts for something, right?

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Wake Up The Box is a real fairytale of a game. We say that because – like all good fairytales – it’s simple, charming and liable to give you terrifying nightmares.

At heart, Wake Up The Box is a physics game, where you place items on a level in the hope that they’ll interact. The frightening part comes when you realise that you’re only doing it to wake up a sleeping cardboard box. And ‘wake up’ seems like a sanitised description – most of the time what you’re really doing is catapulting it to its death. Nightmarish.

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We have to admit, we’re not sure that we’re sold on Icicle. You play a naked bald man riding through the arctic on a child’s bicycle and, well, that’s about it.

The aim of Icicle is to get your bald little man across eight levels, all of which are festooned with traps and falling rocks and geysers that are just waiting to knock you into the snow. If you decide to play Icicle, prepare to get very very, frustrated. Or, if you finish it like we did, smug.

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Today in Unbearably Irresponsible Gimp-Based Online Games, we bring you Gimp Roulette. Yes, it’s Russian Roulette, but with a gimp.

Playing Gimp Roulette is just the same as playing real Russian Roulette – you pass a loaded gun backwards and forwards between you and a gimp, and the first one to shoo themselves in the head wins. That’s it. Wait, there was one more thing… oh, that’s it. Please don’t try this for real ever please please please you’ve got so much to live for please don’t for god’s sake don’t. There, that’s all.

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The worst thing about Cloverfield was that all the characters were dicks, so you ended up siding with the monster. In Monster Evolution, that problem doesn’t exist.

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Here’s an embarrassing admission – we recently played Toss The Turtle for two and a half hours without a break.

And not just because Toss The Turtle sounds like it should be about masturbation, either. Instead it’s one of those ‘throw a thing and see how far it’ll go’ things that you’ll have played a billion times before. However, in Toss The Turtle you have to save up for upgrades, and that’s bound to keep you hooked. Especially when you’re saving up for the tank that’ll fire you 100 miles in one go.

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We like Colour My World because it has a title that makes it sound like a particularly bad mid-1990s R&B ballad. But that’s not the only reason.

It’s also a strangely melancholy little online game, too. In Colour My World you play a little stick man in a monochrome world, slowly bringing it to life as he searches for his lost girlfriend. The sad piano music helps build a sense of mood here, as do all the little signs telling you how worthless you are. It’s not completely depressing, though, so you might like it.

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The story of Cover Orange is an age-old one – how do you stop the talking, human-faced oranges from being attacked by the evil cloud that rains ninja stars?

It’s simple, idiots – you put boxes and barrels and wheels in the way. And that’s all Cover Orange is – you put boxes and barrels and wheels in the way of the evil cloud that rains ninja stars to protect your talking, human-faced oranges. Duh.

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In Upgrade Complete, you have to upgrade everything. In fact, you can’t even start until you’ve upgraded the game to have a start button.

That’s just how Upgrade Complete rolls. Everything can be upgraded, from the weapons to the sound to the graphics. It all ads up to make Upgrade Complete quite a spiffy little game. Or at least it would if all the switches and buttons didn’t mask a fairly tedious shoot ‘em up. Worth a poke, though.

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Because the main problems with MicroMonks, isn’t it? They crap all over the place.

Wait, hang on, that’s not the point of Training MicroMonk. The point is that you have to make a monk – a MicroMonk if you will – stand on top of a mountain and fend off the vegetables that get flung at him from different directions. Ten times in a row, with increasing difficulty. And then that’s the end. Thank you for reading.

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Little Wheel is unquestionably the most beautiful game we’ve ever featured as a Slackerjack. Everything is just perfect – the design, the animation, the music. Little Wheel is lovely.

In Little Wheel you play a robot who has to reconnect the electricity supply to revive all his friends. And the way you do it is just gorgeous – there are lots of just-challenging-enough miniature puzzles to complete. We could talk all day about how much we love Little Wheel. It’s perfect. Just perfect.

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Just look at that title. is there honestly a single part of Super Crazy Baseball Maniac Deluxe that doesn’t make you want to play it right now.

Apart from the Baseball part, obviously. You’re not idiots. But relax, because Super Crazy Baseball Maniac Deluxe has barely anything to do with baseball – it’s all about shining your bat with a dead mouse, psyching out the pitcher and then chasing after the ball on the back of a top hat-wearing stickman. And killing people. That too.

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