Space Invaders might be a classic, iconic, world-changing videogame, but you know what it doesn’t have enough of? That’s right: sperm.

Fortunately Sperm Invasion counters this imbalance with ease. You play a natty little cupid, standing on an ovum trying to fend off all the waves of oncoming spunk with your tiny mythic arrows. Fail to protect yourself properly and you’ll end up getting knocked up. Sperm Invasion is excellent, and if you don’t play it then we’ll quickly refuse to like you any more. FACT.

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Now this is a psychological nightmare. Depict1 is possibly one of the most menacing online game we’ve ever had to play.

And the worst thing is that we can’t tell you why. The secret of Depict1 is, well, a secret. The only way to get to the bottom of it is to play it. Or, you know, not play it. In fact, no, don’t play Depict1. Don’t.

Don’t play Depict1 now

Like gambling? Don’t like having plates thrown at your head when you’ve finished gambling because your wife’s upset about you blowing all your savings on a cockfight?

Then boy oh boy, are you going to love Riskful Thinking. It’s all the fun of gambling, with none of the catastrophic financial ruin. Here’s how it works – you’re given $10,000 and shoved inside a little casino. Win enough and you can progress to a bigger casino. Win enough there and you can progress to a place where dogs fight each other and people play Russian Roulette. Win enough there and you can blow it all on the stock market and end up penniless. Or you can take the money leave whenever you like. But who’d do that?

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Our lives have been empty – EMPTY – without a new Eyezmaze game to play. So when we heard about Grow Valley, we’re not too proud to admit that we actually soiled ourselves in excitement.

If you’ve even only played one Eyezmaze game you’ll already know how Grow Valley works – you pick a bunch of items in a certain order to see how they interact with each other. But even by previous standards, Grow Valley is impressively intricate. This time you can develop phones and computers and each individual component can talk to each other and, oh, it’s so so much fun. We don’t want to spoil the ending, but this is definitely a game worth persevering with.

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Make no mistake, we had more fun playing Effing Worms than we’ve had in ages.

It’s brilliant – just like Tremors, but you play the worm monster instead of Kevin Bacon or any of those idiots. Leap out from underground, eat a few cows and continue. Awesome. But what makes Effing Worms really special is the way that you grown and evolve while you’re wiping out humanity. Before you know it, you’ll have spikes and horns and wings and you’ll be as big as the entire screen. AMAZING.

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True story – Age Of War probably got the best reaction of any Slackerjack we’ve ever published. People loved it, and no wonder. It was brilliant.

And here’s Age Of War 2. Whoopee. The good news is that it’s just as good as before. Age Of War 2 works just the same as its predecessor – you fight an army, slowly gaining the money and experience points necessary to evolve. You go from caveman you futuristic spider-cyborg before you know it. Honestly one of the most satisfying games around.

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Imagine, if you will,that Arnold Schwarzenegger is a drunken laser-eyed turkey instead of a robotic governor from the future sent back to destroy the Kennedy’s once-good name. Now imagine that as this turkey he zaps passive owls, eats batteries, slurps up mosquitoes and seems a tad preoccupied with flying south for the winter.

Weird turkey, we know.

But if you managed to conjure all that up in your mind’s eye – then you’ve seen Birdinator, a free online game for people like you, whose bosses aren’t looking right now. Birdinator is a thrill a second. We can testify to this because that’s exactly how long we played it before our ‘second warning,’ if you catch our drift. Our employer, it seems, has eyes everywhere.

Now what are you waiting for?! Click it! You’re boss will be back soon!

Click it!

Risk Your Employment In These Hard Times With Birdinator Now!

Now that the end of summer is just days away – oh don’t look at us like that, it is – it means that your filthy home won’t be warm enough to harbour that bug infestation you’ve been cultivating.

And no more bugs means no more bug squashing. But fear not, because Bug Squat is officially the next best thing to trampling on as many cockroaches as you can within the space of 30 seconds barefoot. You have 30 seconds, you need to kill as many bugs as you can and that’s it. What do you want, a medal?

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Now this is a lot of fun – in Stunt Master you basically have to break your body in the most spectacular way possible, like vicarious self-harming.

It’s brilliant. There’s level after level of glass plates to smash through and cars to get run over by and helicopters to get mangled inside – and you have the choice of whether to knacker yourself to pieces on foot, on a motorbike or in a car. It’s genuinely brilliant. And a bit painful-looking.

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I Was Hungry But There Were Cannons has it all – hamburgers, cannons and northern voices. That’s all anyone really needs, isn’t it?

Here’s how I Was Hungry But There Were Cannons works – you’re a man in a room full of hamburgers, and the only way to escape is to eat the required amount. This is good, because you are hungry. What’s bad is that there are cannons, and avoiding the cannons in I Was Hungry But There Were Cannons will test your patience to its limits.

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Quick, what are the three things that internet losers like you enjoy the most? That’s right – kittens, vampires and online games where you throw things as far as you can.

Well guess what? Vampire Kitten is about all of those three things. In Vampire Kitten it’s your job to kick a kitten – who is a vampire – into a graveyard. Or out of a graveyard. Or something. It doesn’t really matter, If you’ve played Nanaca Crash before, you’ll know exactly how Vampire Kitten works – mostly because Vampire Cat is identical to Nanaca Crash. Oh, just play it.

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It’s time for one of those Slackerjacks that’s all dreamy and pianoy and stuff. Waterfalls 2 doesn’t even have any guns in it or anything. This is how to look after your female readers.

Anyway, Waterfalls 2 involves directing particles of coloured light into a container with arrows. It’s not particularly difficult, but it looks gorgeous and the soundtrack is nice and soothing and it’s basically just a delightful way to spend a few minutes. Then, once you’re finished playing it, you can go back to hating everyone in your office. Deal?

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Hey, you know that new film Salt, where Angelina Jolie runs around shooting people and it all looks a bit crap and nobody can really the see the point of watching it?

You do? Great. Then this game based on Salt needs little explanation. You’re Angelina Jolie and you have to run around inside an office shooting people. It’s as simple as that. PLUS, just to give you an impression of the pointlessness and crapitude of the film, the game happens to be in German, so you won’t have an actual clue about anything that’s going on. Brilliant!

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The first Sushi Cat game was a breath of fresh air. It was simple, it was pretty and it was fun. So how have the makers of Sushi Cat improved the formula for Sushi Cat: The Honeymoon?

Funny story: they haven’t. Sushi Cat: The Honeymoon is EXACTLY THE SAME as Sushi Cat. Not that it matters, of course – we still played it all the way from beginning with a stupid great smile on our face in spite of several pressing deadlines. Sushi Cat is awesome. And we say that even though he says ‘nom’ as he eats things, and ‘nom’ is the universal callsign of unbearable arseholes.

Play Sushi Cat: The Honeymoon now

If you liked Ragdoll Cannon, but were upset that only dolls got hurt instead of actual living human beings, you’ll just love Helmet Bombers.

It works in more or less the same way as Ragdoll Cannon – you have to hit a target with a projectile – except with Helmet Bombers the targets are actual soldiers, who you explode with bombs. And it’s this gritty realism that made us choose Helmet Bombers as today’s Slackerjack. Oh OK, it was because it had the word ‘helmet’ in the title. Ha ha ha. Helmet.

Play Helmet Bombers now