The annual circle-jerking of overrated, but cosy, inoffensive British acts on major labels are all getting a trophy and a party bag. The Wanker Olympics Category Thing – or the BRIT Award Nominations as they’re more commonly known – have been announced, much to the chagrin of anyone with the remotest taste in music.

Sub-Jack-Johnson-and-no-really-there-are-worse-people-than-Jack-Johnson ginger Ed Sheeran has been nominated for 4 awards; if you don’t know Sheeran, he makes sickly, boring ballads for drunk, fat people to sing at 3am outside clubs, and all of his fans are terrible. It’s even worse when he tries rapping.

James Blake was nominated for British Male Solo Artist along with Noel Gallagher, Professor Green and others, which is insulting, because James Blake is genuinely talented [if you like drip-hop that has all the verve and guile of a life-support machine slowly dying itself, that is - Ed].

Meanwhile, The Wanted’s “Glad You Came”, a song about “doing your bit”, foreplay-wise, is considered amongst the best songs that came out of Britain last year, along with Pixie Lott’s “All About Tonight” and Jessie J’s “Price Tag (ft. B.O.B.)”. Perhaps they are some of the best songs by UK artists in 2011, if you’ve only NOW! compilations in your CD collection and you’re a complete buffoon.

Despair.

In the Album of the Year stakes, Adele, a woman who exists solely for the benefit of people who’ve never actually heard a soul singer before, is up against Beaker from The Muppets, Coldplay, Florence & The Machine (Really? Did her album sell well? The woman sings like she’s drowning) and PJ Harvey, who won the Mercury Music Prize, where actual people who’ve listened to music decide on things.

Maroon 5 look like a sure-shot for International Group, which is depressing beyond words, while Blur are being praised for their Outstanding Contribution to Music.

There are more categories but frankly, this is all way, way too much.

The idea of being in the same country as Bruno Mars, for example, even if it’s just for a few nights while he’s polishing his International Male Solo Award, is enough to turn any reasonable human being who enjoys things like an interesting chord structure or clever lyricism into a pitchfork wielding (clever, right?), angry lunatic.

Go and illegally download some albums or something, you dicks.

Playing Margaret Thatcher must be great for an actress like Meryl Streep. Thesps just love it when they get the chance to play vile people from history. Murderers, rapists, sex offenders and the like give an actor the opportunity to feel brave and bold.

And ol’ Streepy knew too well that pretty much everyone on Earth hates Thatcher. This is something that made her ”more interested” in portraying the heartless witch in ‘The Iron Lady’.

And Meryl has some theories on why everyone despised her so much and… well… she’s off the mark really.

The Oscar-winning actress (we’re legally obliged to say that or people from Hollywood come and crack our shin-bones with slender golf clubs) was shocked at the level of hatred for the former British prime minister, which is a clear highlighting of just how little interest she had in the world during the ’80s and ’90s.

Streep said:

“We give our elected leaders iconic stature almost to have things to tear down, to work out all sorts of our own psychological problems and needs and venomous feelings. So I wondered about all the times that Margaret Thatcher was spoken about being unfeeling.

“And I thought, ‘Well, why was that? Was she really completely unfeeling?’ And as a public figure in a much smaller way myself, I understand that feeling of being stripped of your humanity. Was she a monster?

“While we were making the film, people had such strong and particular and specific venom for her. It was sort of stunning. It made me all the more interested in where her humanity lay.”

So, researching the part, you’ll assume that Meryl worked out why Thatcher was so reviled by many Brits, right? WRONG. See, Streep believes the anger directed towards Maggie Thatcher was largely down to the fact she was a woman.

“I did suspect that there was a weird special rage about her because she was a woman. From all sides. The policies that she pursued were the same policies that Geoffrey Howe pursued, although he’s not loathed and detested with the same intensity. And I think that it is a discomfort with, and a confusion about, women in leadership roles.

“For feminists it’s a betrayal because she doesn’t do the right thing, and so you hate her more than you’d hate a man who stood for the same things.”

It may have had something to do with the countless riots that took place under her stewardship, as well as the fact that industrial production fell massively during her government, which is seen as an affront to the working classes. In short, there were nearly 3.3million unemployed in Britain in ’84, compared to 1.5million when she came to power in ’79.

In 1990, when she resigned, over a quarter (28%) of children in Great Britain were considered to be below the poverty line. Thanks to the procedures she put in place, that number kept rising after her time in Downing Street, leading to Britain’s having the highest childhood-poverty rate in Europe.

And she talked funny.

The North of England hates Margaret Thatcher almost unreservedly. Seriously. Being a Tory in Ultra-Labourite Manchester is akin to being a leper. A leper who likes the music of James Blunt. A James Blunt loving leper in a Liverpool FC shirt.

And so, when Meryl Streep appeared randomly at Freya and Graham McAnally’s wedding at Manchester town hall, you’d have to assume only one thing…

…that locals gathered ’round Streep, figured she was the closest thing they’d get to seeing Thatcher in the flesh, and kicked her to death.

According to the Daily Mail, Freya and Graham were tying the knot at Manchester Town Hall on the same day as Streep was filming scenes for Thatcher biopic, The Iron Lady.

What a way to have your special day utterly ruined.

Freya said:

‘It was all very surreal – Meryl Streep was standing there dressed as Margaret Thatcher. It almost feels like it didn’t happen. I thought it was amazing, the last thing you expect is an A-List celebrity at your wedding.’

Ah yes! That’s right! It wasn’t actually Thatcher! It’s nice Meryl Streep who was just dressed up as one of the most appalling humans ever spat out of an unfortunate vagina.

And it wasn’t just Streep. The cast and crew were filming at Manchester Town Hall because it looks a bit like the inside of the Houses of Parliament. Alongside the Oscar winning actress was Jim Broadbent (playing Denis Thatcher) and Richard E Grant (playing Michael ‘Withnail’ Heseltine).

The cast and crew clubbed together and gave the couple a card, champagne, flowers, a glass vase and a copy of the film’s call sheet for the day.

Graham, not missing a beat, worried that a bunch of Hollywood stars might upstage his wedding, said:

‘It turned out to be to our advantage as there were more lights around and the town hall had been given an extra clean for the filming.’

And then the locals barged in dressed as miners and kicked Meryl Streep to death.

Possibly.

The best way to win the respect of your acting peers is to go ugly. Monstrously ugly. For example, people fawn over those brave enough to play Hitler. Or a wife-beater. Or some kind of sex offender.

In the case of Meryl Streep, she’s being touted as a likely Oscar winner for her turn as Margaret Thatcher in The Iron Lady.

It takes nerve to play the biggest on-screen monster since Cloverfield.

Alas, it hasn’t opened on these British shores yet (sad really, it would’ve been perfectly pitched amongst the strikes currently going on – perhaps we can have some more when it comes out, eh unions?) but critics have been making a fair ol’ noise about it.

The Guardian referred to Streep’s performance as “astonishing and all but flawless; a masterpiece of mimicry which re-imagines Thatcher in all her half-forgotten glory,” while the Daily Mail noted; “Streep’s portrayal will, I have no doubt, come to be seen as a magnificent portrait of Lady Thatcher.”

You’ll be thrilled to learn that, in the film, we do get to see Thatcher as a frail old woman, reminding us all that she is indeed, about to die.

Of course, as Hollywood is prone to copy other Oscar winning films, we strongly suspect we’ll be seeing Brad Pitt playing Norman Tebbit and a gritty turn from Angelina Jolie playing Edwina Curry in a biopic about eggs and shagging John Major (played by a hatstand painted grey).

Oscar nominations will be announced on Los Angeles on January 24th, and The Iron Lady is directed by Phyllida Lloyd, which is clearly not a real name.

Splendid.

Black culture has always been the musical innovator, just waiting for everyone else to start ripping it off. The black community can sit smug, safe in the knowledge that they invented rock ‘n’ roll, the blues, jazz, hip hop, soul, reggae, dance music… and not country and western.

And so, with that, the MOBO Awards have always been a showcase for the things everyone else is going to ride the coattails of next year.

Not if you include the 2011 nominees though. Why? Because it’s a terrible list of nominations utterly dominated by Jessie J and other dross.

The impressively dislikeable Jessie J has managed to pick up five nods at the MOBO Awards, which of course, is going to further feed her notion that she’s ‘the real deal’ or, worse still, ‘the British Lady GaGa’. The crushing truth is that she’s 2011′s answer to Natasha Bedingfield.

And no-one wanted her either, despite bafflingly gigantic success around the world.

Adele, Tinie Tempah and Wretch 32 have all got themselves four nominations each. Adele must be wondering how she got noticed at all, what with her making the whitest, Radio 2 friendly music since Katie Melua last had a record out.

Sadly, 2011′s answer to Status Quo – Chase & Status – have also been nominated.

Kanya King, CEO and Founder of MOBO, had a sly dig at the Brit Awards and their Brit School, saying:

“We are very pleased with the level of this year’s nominees, including many emerging artists, some who have come from backgrounds where they haven’t been given a foot in the door, so-to-speak.

“These artists have shown real determination to make it happen.”

Expect lots of tribute to Amy Winehouse also. Now, here’s the full list of nominations for The MOBO Awards 2011:

Best UK Act

Adele
Chase & Status
Chipmunk
Example
Jessie J
Katy B
N-Dubz
Wretch 32
The Streets
Tinie Tempah

Best Newcomer

Alex Clare
Ed Sheeran
Emeli Sande
Jamie Woon
Jessie J
Loick Essien
Maverick Sabre
Rizzle Kicks
Yasmin
Wretch 32

Best UK Hip Hop/Grime Act

Giggs
Rizzle Kicks
Tinie Tempah
Wiley
Wretch 32

Best Video

Chipmunk featuring Chris Brown – ‘Champion’
Jessie J – ‘Do It Like A Dude’
Rizzle Kicks – ‘Down With The Trumpets’
Tinchy Stryder featuring Dappy – ‘Spaceship’
Wiley – ‘Numbers In Action’

Best International Act

Alexis Jordan
Aloe Blacc
Beyoncé
Bruno Mars
Cee Lo Green
Jason Derulo
Nicki Minaj
Rihanna
Snoop Dogg
Wiz Khalifa

Best Song

Adele – ‘Someone Like You’
Chase & Status featuring Tinie Tempah – ‘Hitz’
Jessie J – ‘Do It Like A Dude’
Tinie Tempah – ‘Wonderman’
Wretch 32 – ‘Traktor’

Best Album

Adele – 21
Chase & Status – No More Idols
Jessie J – Who You Are
Katy B – On A Mission
Tinie Tempah – Disc-Overy

Best UK R&B/Soul Act

Adele
Dionne Bromfield
Marsha Ambrosious
Mike Hough
Omar

Best Reggae

Alborosie
Damien Marley & Nas
Jah Cure
Khago
Mavado

Best Jazz Act

Denys Baptiste
Gwilym Simcock
Kairos 4tet
Matthew Halsall
Usonic

Best African Act

Cheikh Lo
D’Banj
Fatouma Diawara
Liquideep
Owiny Sigoma Band
Seun Kuti
SMOD
Spoek Mathambo
Vieux Farka Toura
Wizkid

Best Gospel Act

Bobby Bovell
Four Kornerz
Jayess
Junor Garr
Triple O

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Back when we were just writing swear words on our parent’s walls in crayon, MTV did provide us with some light musical relief. Alongside the mundane pop dross, there were some gems to be found. The programme most likely to fill you with a mix of Scandanavian indie and wobbly acid grooves was 120 Minutes. Only problem was that it was broadcast in the early hours of Sunday morning.

So for the insomniacs, 120 Minutes was a mix of uncommercial sounds and experimental videos that wouldn’t have been broadcast during the day. Just look at certain Sqaurepusher and Mogwai promos.

In an age where music is being broadcast to a wider audience via the internet, you’d expect MTV to do the same. But no, they instead decided to shun the show for moronic programming which, over time, has diluted the channel to such an extent that hardly any music videos are played. But this hasn’t stopped the network from holding its annual VMA ceremony.

As per any award ceremony like, you can usually predict the nominees without any genuine surprise. The only real music award with any degree of honour attached to it was The Mercury Music awards as they vaguely attempt to hunt out a deserving winner as opposed to a commercial selling achiever. But with a list comprising of previous winners and nominees with the usual outsiders who stand no chance due to their obscurity in the public domain (sorry Ghost Poet), we’re not inspired. British electronic music has made a resurgence over the last year, but it has been sadly overlooked, apart from Katy B. But she attended the Brit school, so her nomination is of no surprise.

The nominees are all artists who currently have records out or have released something within in the last few months. Similar names keep on cropping up that include; stage invading Kanye West, pyrotechnic tits Lady Gaga, worst excuse for a rock band ever – Mumford & Sons and painfully annoying Katy Perry.

But whilst we sound like pensioners with our hearing aids set to ‘complain’, not being able to understand what the yoof of today listen to, the hecklerspray bedsit does have an unsavoury love for Nicki Minaj. It might be our naïve thinking, but here in Blighty, she doesn’t appear to have such a massive following like in Uncle Sam’s burger munching US of A.

She is one of the new wave of female rappers that’s taken the baton from musicians like Lil Kim and generally made hip-hop/rap fun, accessible and engaging. Observe:

It remains to be seen if Minaj will walk away with a trophy that’s wrapped in tinfoil. If the VMAs continue to be based on popularity rather than quality, then you’ll end up seeing bucktoothed hip-hop chipmunk Chris Brown walk away with some gongs.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Today we bring to you a witty take on the Mercury Music Prize Nominees before anyone else and you should thank us, because we have endured listening to Ms. Dynamite on the Lauren Laverne show to do this; there was terrible music and hateful voices everywhere. We really do not look forward to watching them on TV, when we will be forced to stare into her dead eyes while Jools Holland carries on regardless in the background.

As some clever sod said on twitter, The Mercury’s are the private school of awards, which is probably why anyone who wins goes on to do nothing of any importance with the money.

Feel free to disagree with that previous statement, but just know we have tricks up our designer sleeves. Pulp did alright didn’t they? Arguably so did Dizzee Rascal, except now he touts CBBC theme music – you could say all of these things but then we would say Speech Debelle and you would lose.

Who are these secret industry professionals that decide the nominees, and indeed winners, of the oh so prestigious, not to mention cursed, award? Clearly they are a group of jaded, failed musicians who invented this to shit all over the careers of good young men and women by giving it to the joke act – M People. It all got a bit out of hand when Barclaycard decided sponsorship was a good idea though, so they quickly gave it to The XX to regain a fraction of credibility. That one backfired when Jamie ran away with all the money, changed his last name to XX, and started remixing every top 40 song of the past five years.

So the post-dubstep war on the world is continuing as James Blake, Ghostpoet, and Katy B are all given nominations for three decent albums. Along with Ms. B, Tinie Tempah and Adele fill the pop quota; they have to have a few so the tabloids don’t start spewing out garbage about them being out of touch and unnecessary, but if either of those three win then we will take it upon ourselves to make their lives a misery. Especially you Adele! She obviously reads her own press.

Now that the pop quota has been taken care of, they have to notch up some points with the always under-represented avant-garde, which is the only reason Gwiylm Simcock (ha! SIMCOCK!) was invited to the party. The token jazz act is a bid to create some buzz, tickling the ivories at the nominations ceremony. Not only did the maestro play the keys, he played the inside of a grand piano like a great big show off.

Gwiylm doesn’t stand a chance. And ha! SIMCOCK!

After all the genre gaps have been filled in, the judges get straight down to business feeding us concentrated indie from the likes of Anna Calvi, Elbow, PJ Harvey, Metronomy, Everything Everything, and King Creosote with Jon Hopkins. Some obviously generic choices to keep the guessers at bay and some genuinely inspired choices of albums that feel like they came out about five years ago.

The odds are the closest ever, according to gambling experts William Hill who inform us that Adele’s ’21′ and PJ Harvey’s ‘Let England Shake’ are the favourites at 4/1. Meanwhile the outsiders at 10/1 are: Gwilym Simcock’s (Ha!) ‘Good Days at Schloss Elmau’ , Ghostpoet’s ‘Peanut Butter Blues and Melancholy Jam’, and ‘Diamond Mine’ by King Creosote and Jon Hopkins.

By the time September rolls around you will be wondering why Adele is, why Tinie Tempah is still wearing sunglasses, how Elbow can be so boring, who Anna Calvi copied from, why Katy B didn’t stick to helping out Magnetic Man, who King Creosote is and why was he working with some guy called Jon Hopkins, where you’ve heard PJ Harvey before, and what jazz even is.

That leaves you with James Blake, Ghostpoet, Metronomy, and Everything Everything – the only people who deserve to win; naturally none of them will.

Congratulations Adele go and buy yourself a nice cake.

The stupid Oscars have been and gone, with only a very select few giving the remotest of shits. Those that include themselves in that number are the people who will be making posters of all of Colin Firth’s new films and the simpering, worthy smug git who condescends the Davina McCall lookalike on the BBC’s Film show.

Oh, and we imagine there’ll be a whole host of stupid fashion writers all squeeing over various items of clothing, mixed with tubby women widening their eyes at people who have made a fashion faux-pas.

And so, because we’re legally obliged to announce the winners of the Oscars 2011, we’ve copy and pasted the list from somewhere else and replaced all the names of the winners with videos so you can try and work out who won yourself.

Of course, we could have simply stated who each winner was, but that is, in essence, churnalism. The desperate need to not be left behind in some imagined media stampede about an award show that no-one is really that fussed about anyway.

Who ever felt like a film was any better or worse because it won some stupid trophy?

If you’re the kind of person who only watches a film because it has been recognised by some shithouse in an expensive suit, then perhaps, you might like to go and throw yourself headfirst into oncoming traffic. Okay? Good.

Here are the winners.

Best Picture

Best Director

Best Actor

Best Actress

Best Supporting Actor

Best Supporting Actress

Best Foreign Language Film

Best Animation

Best Adapted Screenplay

Best Art Direction

Best Make-up

And there was a whole bunch of other winners but they were totally boring. Inception won some stuff but we couldn’t think of a funny video we could show for it because it is oh so stinkin’ worthy.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Oh deep bloody joy. The Oscars have announced their nominations for films which they think are better than other films which they may or may not have seen. Fantastic news. Cocaine dealers and chandelier menders, brace yourself for some action soon.

That’s right. An arbitrarily picked bunch of films are all being put forward as being really great, which of course, means that people who make posters for films will now be getting ready to cut and paste the words “Oscar nominated” on films starring Colin Firth or directed by Jeff Cronenweth.

We can barely contain our irritation.

However, being a pop-culture rag, we must (by law), publish the long list of names which you’ll not read or, indeed, skim read to see if you recognise any names of the actors and such. It’s fair to say we’re all hoping Gregory Funk goes well in the ‘Best Makeup’ category.

Unless, of course, you’re one of those dreadful movie buffs who bores everyone half stupid with endless facts about that actor who was in that thing, but went onto star in that other thing that no-one else watched.

Sigh.

Here’s the pissing nominations with an obligatory mention about how bloody marvellous The King’s Speech is. Hurray for stuttering blue bloods!

Nominations for 2011 Oscars

Actor in a Leading Role

Javier Bardem in “Biutiful”
Jeff Bridges in “True Grit”
Jesse Eisenberg in “The Social Network”
Colin Firth in “The King’s Speech”
James Franco in “127 Hours”

Actress in a Leading Role

Annette Bening in “The Kids Are All Right”
Nicole Kidman in “Rabbit Hole”
Jennifer Lawrence in “Winter’s Bone”
Natalie Portman in “Black Swan”
Michelle Williams in “Blue Valentine”

Actor in a Supporting Role

Christian Bale in “The Fighter”
John Hawkes in “Winter’s Bone”
Jeremy Renner in “The Town”
Mark Ruffalo in “The Kids Are All Right”
Geoffrey Rush in “The King’s Speech”

Actress in a Supporting Role

Amy Adams in “The Fighter”
Helena Bonham Carter in “The King’s Speech”
Melissa Leo in “The Fighter”
Hailee Steinfeld in “True Grit”
Jacki Weaver in “Animal Kingdom”

Animated Feature Film

“How to Train Your Dragon” Chris Sanders and Dean DeBlois
“The Illusionist” Sylvain Chomet
“Toy Story 3” Lee Unkrich

Art Direction

“Alice in Wonderland”
Production Design: Robert Stromberg; Set Decoration: Karen O’Hara

“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1”
Production Design: Stuart Craig; Set Decoration: Stephenie McMillan

“Inception”
Production Design: Guy Hendrix Dyas; Set Decoration: Larry Dias and Doug Mowat

“The King’s Speech”
Production Design: Eve Stewart; Set Decoration: Judy Farr

“True Grit”
Production Design: Jess Gonchor; Set Decoration: Nancy Haigh

Cinematography

“Black Swan” Matthew Libatique
“Inception” Wally Pfister
“The King’s Speech” Danny Cohen
“The Social Network” Jeff Cronenweth
“True Grit” Roger Deakins

Costume Design

“Alice in Wonderland” Colleen Atwood
“I Am Love” Antonella Cannarozzi
“The King’s Speech” Jenny Beavan
“The Tempest” Sandy Powell
“True Grit” Mary Zophres

Directing

“Black Swan” Darren Aronofsky
“The Fighter” David O. Russell
“The King’s Speech” Tom Hooper
“The Social Network” David Fincher
“True Grit” Joel Coen and Ethan Coen

Documentary (Feature)

“Exit through the Gift Shop” Banksy and Jaimie D’Cruz
“Gasland” Josh Fox and Trish Adlesic
“Inside Job” Charles Ferguson and Audrey Marrs
“Restrepo” Tim Hetherington and Sebastian Junger
“Waste Land” Lucy Walker and Angus Aynsley

Documentary (Short Subject)

“Killing in the Name” Nominees to be determined
“Poster Girl” Nominees to be determined
“Strangers No More” Karen Goodman and Kirk Simon
“Sun Come Up” Jennifer Redfearn and Tim Metzger
“The Warriors of Qiugang” Ruby Yang and Thomas Lennon

Film Editing

“Black Swan” Andrew Weisblum
“The Fighter” Pamela Martin
“The King’s Speech” Tariq Anwar
“127 Hours” Jon Harris
“The Social Network” Angus Wall and Kirk Baxter

Foreign Language Film

“Biutiful” Mexico
“Dogtooth” Greece
“In a Better World” Denmark
“Incendies” Canada
“Outside the Law (Hors-la-loi)” Algeria

Makeup

“Barney’s Version” Adrien Morot
“The Way Back” Edouard F. Henriques, Gregory Funk and Yolanda Toussieng
“The Wolfman” Rick Baker and Dave Elsey

Music (Original Score)

“How to Train Your Dragon” John Powell
“Inception” Hans Zimmer
“The King’s Speech” Alexandre Desplat
“127 Hours” A.R. Rahman
“The Social Network” Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross

Music (Original Song)

“Coming Home” from “Country Strong” Music and Lyric by Tom Douglas, Troy Verges and Hillary Lindsey
“I See the Light” from “Tangled” Music by Alan Menken Lyric by Glenn Slater
“If I Rise” from “127 Hours” Music by A.R. Rahman Lyric by Dido and Rollo Armstrong
“We Belong Together” from “Toy Story 3″ Music and Lyric by Randy Newman

Best Picture

“Black Swan” Mike Medavoy, Brian Oliver and Scott Franklin, Producers
“The Fighter” David Hoberman, Todd Lieberman and Mark Wahlberg, Producers
“Inception” Emma Thomas and Christopher Nolan, Producers
“The Kids Are All Right” Gary Gilbert, Jeffrey Levy-Hinte and Celine Rattray, Producers
“The King’s Speech” Iain Canning, Emile Sherman and Gareth Unwin, Producers
“127 Hours” Christian Colson, Danny Boyle and John Smithson, Producers
“The Social Network” Scott Rudin, Dana Brunetti, Michael De Luca and Ceán Chaffin, Producers
“Toy Story 3” Darla K. Anderson, Producer
“True Grit” Scott Rudin, Ethan Coen and Joel Coen, Producers
“Winter’s Bone” Anne Rosellini and Alix Madigan-Yorkin, Producers

Short Film (Animated)

“Day & Night” Teddy Newton
“The Gruffalo” Jakob Schuh and Max Lang
“Let’s Pollute” Geefwee Boedoe
“The Lost Thing” Shaun Tan and Andrew Ruhemann
“Madagascar, carnet de voyage (Madagascar, a Journey Diary)” Bastien Dubois

Short Film (Live Action)

“The Confession” Tanel Toom
“The Crush” Michael Creagh
“God of Love” Luke Matheny
“Na Wewe” Ivan Goldschmidt
“Wish 143” Ian Barnes and Samantha Waite

Sound Editing

“Inception” Richard King
“Toy Story 3” Tom Myers and Michael Silvers
“Tron: Legacy” Gwendolyn Yates Whittle and Addison Teague
“True Grit” Skip Lievsay and Craig Berkey
“Unstoppable” Mark P. Stoeckinger

Sound Mixing

“Inception” Lora Hirschberg, Gary A. Rizzo and Ed Novick
“The King’s Speech” Paul Hamblin, Martin Jensen and John Midgley
“Salt” Jeffrey J. Haboush, Greg P. Russell, Scott Millan and William Sarokin
“The Social Network” Ren Klyce, David Parker, Michael Semanick and Mark Weingarten
“True Grit” Skip Lievsay, Craig Berkey, Greg Orloff and Peter F. Kurland

Visual Effects

“Alice in Wonderland” Ken Ralston, David Schaub, Carey Villegas and Sean Phillips
“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1” Tim Burke, John Richardson, Christian Manz and Nicolas Aithadi
“Hereafter” Michael Owens, Bryan Grill, Stephan Trojanski and Joe Farrell
“Inception” Paul Franklin, Chris Corbould, Andrew Lockley and Peter Bebb
“Iron Man 2” Janek Sirrs, Ben Snow, Ged Wright and Daniel Sudick

Writing (Adapted Screenplay)

“127 Hours” Screenplay by Danny Boyle & Simon Beaufoy
“The Social Network” Screenplay by Aaron Sorkin
“Toy Story 3” Screenplay by Michael Arndt; Story by John Lasseter, Andrew Stanton and Lee Unkrich
“True Grit” Written for the screen by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen
“Winter’s Bone” Adapted for the screen by Debra Granik & Anne Rosellini

Writing (Original Screenplay)

“Another Year” Written by Mike Leigh

“The Fighter” Screenplay by Scott Silver and Paul Tamasy & Eric Johnson;
Story by Keith Dorrington & Paul Tamasy & Eric Johnson

“Inception” Written by Christopher Nolan

“The Kids Are All Right” Written by Lisa Cholodenko & Stuart Blumberg

“The King’s Speech” Screenplay by David Seidler

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Once upon a time, bands and artists were nominated for musical awards based on the merit of the audio they committed to LPs. Now, it seems that you can predict the nominees for ceremonies months in advance. Lady Gaga could release an album where she tapes herself constructing a shelf. It could sell bugger-all, but if a good marketing campaign backs it up, then some idiot will buy it.

Hooray for the humble PR team, the people who are paid to promote artists and generate advertising for them at inappropriate times – such as Take That on every single TV show and advert when opportunity becomes available.

Given that, let us offer our worthless opinion for this year’s nominations that had a great marketing team, appeared at festivals or featured in trashy magazines.

It isn’t all bad news though, we can happily report that Muse didn’t receive any nominations and nobody on the Brit committee decided to award Michael Jackson another post-death statue.

However, just like fans of the two artists mentioned, the ceremony will be devoid of laughs and personality as James Corden attempts to host. Perhaps he’ll just resort to running around with belly out for a couple of cheap thrills. Oh how the O2 arena will erupt into a lol frenzy.

Looking at the lists in all the categories, one thing stands out to us (once we cast aside any musical prejudice).

Every single person is instantly recongnisable and seemingly nominated because they’ve sold a bucket load of records. Of course, this seems obvious as “pop” is short for “popular”, but amazingly, there are all sorts of hidden gems that never get played, mainly because the music industry is close to imploding. Anyone daring to play something or even experimental may find it backfires and ends up short on sales.

Therefore, household names like Cheryl “coz am worth it pet” Cole, Eminem and the Glee Cast are being handed nominations on a plate. Cole’s album is nothing more than a ropey cash-in based on the seeming love for the electro sound and songs all about her marriage. As for Eminem? He did that song with the lovely Rihanna, focusing on happy themes such as domestic violence, even though he did something similar with Dido on the track Stan. And Glee? Well, that is nothing more than sugar coated karaoke featuring children who look innocent and sweet, but they’d probably form a crime syndicate if they weren’t actors.

Even though “celebrity” is muscling in on the modern day award ceremony with rock n roll behavior being classed as staying up till 2AM and squirting someone with ketchup, a small lifeline to music is still being offered.

Best Producer may throw up names that aren’t instantly recogniseable, but without these people, half the records on the shelves wouldn’t be there. Whilst bands might be able to pluck a guitar sweetly, they mightn’t have the technical ability and skills to record the sounds, subsequently arranging and manipulating audio in to songs. Whilst a band may have four official members, the unknown fifth is always the producer.

The Brits always offers supposed change and diversity, but these categories are still the same old boring ones we’re used to seeing. Why not dedicate something towards new artists by having an award for “best debut album”. Best breakthrough is a basic term for “artist who became really popular and sold loads of records”. Elsewhere, “best independent label” wouldn’t go a miss, so recognition could be shown to labels actively hunting and promoting underground music.

Or thinking out of the box completely, looking at sub-genres in established genres, such as the currently popular dubstep in electronic music.

Come the time the awards are dished out, we probably won’t feel any more excitement than we currently do. Saying that, as long as lovely Rihanna wins, that’ll make us happy. The full nominations below:

BRITISH MALE SOLO ARTIST
Mark Ronson
Paul Weller
Plan B
Robert Plant
Tinie Tempah

BRITISH FEMALE SOLO ARTIST
Cheryl Cole
Ellie Goulding
Laura Marling
Paloma Faith
Rumer

BRITISH BREAKTHROUGH ACT
Ellie Goulding
Mumford & Sons
Rumer
Tinie Tempah
The xx

BRITISH GROUP
Biffy Clyro
Gorillaz
Mumford & Sons
Take That
The xx

BRITISH SINGLE
Alexandra Burke ft Pitbull – All Night Long
Cheryl Cole – Parachute
Florence & The Machine – You’ve Got The Love
Matt Cardle – When We Collide
Olly Murs – Please Don’t Let Me Go
Plan B – She Said
Scouting for Girls – This Ain’t A Love Song
Taio Cruz – Dynamite
Tinie Tempah – Pass Out
The Wanted – All Time Low

MASTERCARD BRITISH ALBUM OF THE YEAR
Mumford & Sons – Sigh No More
Plan B – The Defamation of Strickland Banks
Take That – Progress
Tinie Tempah – Disc-Overy
The xx – XX

INTERNATIONAL MALE SOLO ARTIST
Bruce Springsteen
Cee Lo Green
David Guetta
Eminem
Kanye West

INTERNATIONAL FEMALE SOLO ARTIST
Alicia Keys
Katy Perry
Kylie Minogue
Rihanna
Robyn

INTERNATIONAL BREAKTHROUGH ACT
Bruno Mars
Glee Cast
Justin Bieber
The National
The Temper Trap

INTERNATIONAL GROUP
Arcade Fire
Black Eyed Peas
Kings of Leon
The Script
Vampire Weekend

INTERNATIONAL ALBUM
Arcade Fire – The Suburbs
Cee Lo Green – The Lady Killer
Eminem – Recovery
Katy Perry – Teenage Dream
Kings of Leon – Come Around Sundown

CRITICS’ CHOICE
Jessie J
James Blake
The Vaccines

BRITISH PRODUCER
Ethan Johns
John Leckie
Markus Dravs
Mike Pela
Stuart Price

Hey! It’s the Golden Globes! No, that’s not C3PO’s testicles, but rather, yet another stupid awards ceremony that will appear on the stickers of DVD releases next year in an attempt to make us part with our cash.

Us Limey bastards can show fleeting pride too as The King’s Speech – which stars more Limey bastards – got Quite A Few Nominations.

Colin Firth and Helena Bonham Carter play blueblooded lizard shits George VI and Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother in the film which no-one you’ll have met has seen.

Of course, there are a whole bunch of people nominated for seemingly endless awards. If you can stay awake long enough, the entire list is lovingly written out for you below.

You’ll also see that, in the category for Best Actor – Motion Picture Musical or Comedy, Johnny Depp is nominated twice. We’re hoping that it goes to a sing-off or something.

Sadly, the Golden Globes doesn’t have a category for the one genre that is most watched concerning celebrities – Best Sex Tape Or Leaked Photographs. That would be hotly contested and really show how gaspingly desperate celebrities are for our attention.

Shame.

Anyway, here’s a really long list of stuff that’s nearly as boring to read as the experience of going to the cinema itself. Enjoy it or something. We don’t actually give two shites.

MOVIES:

Best Motion Picture – Drama

The King’s Speech
Black Swan
The Fighter
Inception
The Social Network

Best Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy

Alice In Wonderland
Burlesque
The Kids Are All Right
Red
The Tourist

Best Director

Tom Hooper – The King’s Speech
Darren Aronofsky – Black Swan
Christopher Nolan – Inception
David O. Russell – The Fighter
David Fincher – The Social Network

Best Actor – Motion Picture Drama

Colin Firth – The King’s Speech
Jesse Eisenberg – The Social Network
Mark Wahlberg – The Fighter
James Franco – 127 Hours
Ryan Gosling – Blue Valentine

Best Actor – Motion Picture Musical or Comedy

Johnny Depp – Alice In Wonderland
Johnny Depp – The Tourist
Paul Giamatti – Barney’s Version
Jake Gyllenhaal – Love and Other Drugs
Kevin Spacey – Casino Jack

Best Actress – Motion Picture Drama

Halle Berry – Frankie and Alice
Nicole Kidman – Rabbit Hole
Jennifer Lawrence – Winter’s Bone
Natalie Portman – Black Swan
Michelle Williams – Blue Valentine

Best Actress – Motion Picture Musical or Comedy

Annette Bening – The Kids Are All Right
Julianne Moore – The Kids Are All Right
Anne Hathaway – Love & Other Drugs
Angelina Jolie – The Tourist
Emma Stone – Easy A

Best Supporting Actor – Motion Picture

Christian Bale – The Fighter
Michael Douglas – Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps
Andrew Garfield – The Social Network
Jeremy Renner – The Town
Geoffrey Rush – The King’s Speech

Best Supporting Actress – Motion Picture

Melissa Leo – The Fighter
Helena Bonham Carter – The King’s Speech
Mila Kunis – Black Swan
Amy Adams – The Fighter
Jacki Weaver – Animal Kingdom

Best Screenplay

Danny Boyle, Simon Beaufoy – 127 Hours
Lisa Cholodenko, Stuart Blumberg – The Kids Are All Right
Christopher Nolan – Inception
David Seidler – The King’s Speech
Aaron Sorkin – The Social Network

Best Original Score

Alexandre Desplat – The King’s Speech
Danny Elfman – Alice in Wonderland
A.R. Rahman – 127 Hours
Trent Reznor, Atticus Ross – The Social Network
Hans Zimmer – Inception

Best Original Song

Bound to You (written by Samuel Dixon, Christina Aguilera, Sia Furler) – Burlesque
Coming Home (written by Bob DiPiero, Tom Douglas, Hillary Lindsey, Troy Verges) – Country Strong
I See the Light (written by Alan Menken, Glenn Slater) – Tangled
There’s a Place for Us (written by Carrie Underwood, David Hodges, Hillary Lindsey) – The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
You Haven’t Seen the Last of Me (written by Diane Warren) – Burlesque

Best Foreign Language Film

Biutiful
The Concert
The Edge
I Am Love
In a Better World

Best Animated Film

Toy Story 3
The Illusionist
How to Train Your Dragon
Despicable Me
Tangled

FOR TELEVISION:

Best Drama Series

Boardwalk Empire
Dexter
The Good Wife
Mad Men
The Walking Dead

Best Comedy Series

Glee
30 Rock
The Big Bang Theory
The Big C
Modern Family
Nurse Jackie

Best Actor in a Television Drama Series

Steve Buscemi – Boardwalk Empire
Bryan Cranston – Breaking Bad
Michael C. Hall – Dexter
Jon Hamm – Mad Men
Hugh Laurie – House

Best Actress in a Television Drama Series

Julianna Margulies – The Good Wife
Elisabeth Moss – Mad Men
Piper Perabo – Covert Affairs
Katey Sagal – The Closer
Kyra Sedgwick – The Closer

Best Actress in a Television Comedy Series

Toni Collette – The United States of Tara
Edie Falco – Nurse Jackie
Tina Fey – 30 Rock
Laura Linney – The Big C
Lea Michele – Glee

Best Actor in a Television Comedy Series

Alec Baldwin – 30 Rock
Steve Carell – The Office
Thomas Jane – Hung
Matthew Morrison – Glee
Jim Parsons -The Big Bang Theory

Best Mini-Series or Motion Picture made for Television

Carlos – Sundance Channel
The Pacific – HBO
Temple Grandin – HBO
You Don’t Know Jack – HBO
Pillars of the Earth – Starz

Best Actor in a Mini-Series or Motion Picture made for Television

Idris Elba – Luther
Ian McShane – Pillars of the Earth
Al Pacino – You Don’t Know Jack
Dennis Quaid – The Special Relationship
Edgar Ramirez – Carlos

Best Actress in a Mini-Series or Motion Picture made for Television

Hayley Atwell – Pillars of the Earth
Claire Danes – Temple Grandin
Judi Dench – Return to Cranford
Romola Garai – Emma
Jennifer Love Hewitt – The Client List

Best Supporting Actor in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture made for Television

Scott Caan – Hawaii Five-O
Chris Colfer – Glee
Chris Noth – The Good Wife
Eric Stonestreet – Modern Family
David Strathairn – Temple Grandin

Best Supporting Actress in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture made for Television

Hope Davis – The Special Relationship
Jane Lynch – Glee
Kelly Macdonald – Broadwalk Empire
Julia Stiles – Dexter
Sofia Vergara – Modern Family

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

The People’s Choice Awards are, no question, the most reflective awards ceremony of what people actually like. There’s no panel of sneering critics and judges to give some indie film the nod over That Thing Everyone On Earth Watched.

It’s unashamedly populist, which of course, means that it is probably the best of the bunch. Not only that, but the awards are voted for by humans, as opposed to ‘experts’. It’s a lovely and wonderful thing, designed to irritate people like us.

And The People’s Choice Awards announced their nominees and, it won’t surprise you one bit that The Twilight Saga: Eclipse bagged the most nominations, as well as Justin Bieber getting a good look too.

The Twilight thing leads the pack with eight nominations -  Favorite Movie, Favorite Drama Movie, Favorite Movie Actor (Rob Pattinson and Taylor Lautner), Favorite Movie Actress (Kristen Stewart), Favorite On Screen Team (Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, and Taylor Lautner), and Favorite Movie Star Under 25 (Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson).

Glee also bagged a load of nods, with five nominations for Favorite TV Comedy, Favorite TV Comedy Actress (Jane Lynch), Favorite TV Comedy Actor (Matthew Morrison), and Favorite TV Guest Stars (Britney Spears and Neil Patrick Harris).

Anyway, enough of all that. Here’s a really, really long list of nominations to read. Seriously. It’s the longest list you’ll ever read in your whole life. 10 hecklerspray points to anyone who manages to get through the list without wanting to kill themselves.

FAVOURITE MOVIE

Toy Story 3
Alice in Wonderland
Inception
Iron Man 2
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

FAVOURITE ACTION MOVIE
Salt
Robin Hood
Kick-Ass
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

FAVOURITE DRAMA MOVIE
The Social Network
Alice in Wonderland
Dear John
Inception
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

FAVOURITE FAMILY MOVIE
Despicable Me
The Karate Kid
Toy Story 3
How to Train Your Dragon
Shrek Forever After

FAVOURITE COMEDY MOVIE
Date Night
Grown Ups
Easy A
Sex and the City 2
Valentine’s Day

FAVOURITE HORROR MOVIE
The Crazies
The Last Exorcism
Let Me In
Resident Evil: Afterlife
A Nightmare on Elm Street

FAVOURITE MOVIE ACTOR
Robert Downey Jr.
Taylor Lautner
Johnny Depp
Robert Pattinson
Leonardo DiCaprio

FAVOURITE MOVIE ACTRESS
Angelina Jolie
Jennifer Aniston
Julia Roberts
Katherine Heigl
Kristen Stewart

FAVOURITE ACTION STAR
Angelina Jolie
Robert Downey Jr.
Bradley Cooper
Jackie Chan
Jake Gyllenhaal

FAVOURITE COMEDIC STAR
Adam Sandler
Drew Barrymore
Steve Carell
Tina Fey
Will Ferrell

FAVOURITE MOVIE STAR UNDER 25
Emma Watson
Kristen Stewart
Robert Pattinson
Vanessa Hudgens
Zac Efron

FAVOURITE ONSCREEN TEAM
Tina Fey and Steve Carell, Date Night
Leonardo DiCaprio, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ellen Page, Dileep Rao and Tom Hardy, Inception
Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Robert Downey Jr. and Don Cheadle, Iron Man 2
Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan, The Karate Kid

FAVOURITE TV DRAMA
Gossip Girl
Grey’s Anatomy
The Good Wife
The Vampire Diaries
House

FAVOURITE TV COMEDY
Glee
How I Met Your Mother
The Big Bang Theory
Modern Family
Two and a Half Men

FAVOURITE TV DRAMA ACTOR
Hugh Laurie
Chace Crawford
Ian Somerhalder
Patrick Dempsey
Taye Diggs

FAVOURITE TV DRAMA ACTRESS
Sandra Oh
Blake Lively
Julianna Margulies
Lisa Edelstein
Kate Walsh

FAVOURITE TV COMEDY ACTOR
Alex Baldwin
Matthew Morrison
Jim Parsons
Neil Patrick Harris
Steve Carell

FAVOURITE TV COMEDY ACTRESS
Alyson Hannigan
Jane Lynch
Tina Fey
Eva Longoria
Courteney Cox

FAVOURITE TV CRIME DRAMA
Bones
Criminal Minds
Law & Order: SVU
Lie to Me
NCIS

FAVOURITE TV CRIME FIGHTER
Emily Deschanel, Bones
Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: SVU
Mark Harmon, NCIS
Simon Baker, The Mentalist
Tim Roth, Lie to Me

FAVOURITE TV OBSESSION
Dexter
Pretty Little Liars
White Collar
Burn Notice
True Blood

FAVOURITE TV TALK SHOW HOST
Conan O’Brien
Chelsea Handler
Oprah Winfrey
Ellen DeGeneres
George Lopez

FAVOURITE TV SCI-FI/FANTASY
Fringe
Smallville
Supernatural
The Vampire Diaries
True Blood

FAVOURITE TV COMPETITION SHOW
American Idol
Dancing With the Stars
America’s Got Talent
So You Think You Can Dance
Hell’s Kitchen

FAVOURITE TV GUILTY PLEASURE
Jersey Shore
Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List
Keeping Up With the Kardashians
The Real Housewives of New Jersey
Tosh 2.0

FAVOURITE TV GUEST STAR
Neil Patrick Harris, Glee
Betty White, Community
Britney Spears, Glee
Demi Lovato, Grey’s Anatomy
Carrie Underwood, How I Met Your Mother

FAVOURITE TV DOCTOR
Sandra Oh as Cristina Yang, Grey’s Anatomy
Ellen Pompeo as Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy
Patrick Dempsey as Derek Shepherd, Grey’s Anatomy
Hugh Laurie as Gregory House, House
Robert Sean Leonard as James Wilson, House

FAVOURITE TV FAMILY
The Griffins, Family Guy
The Harpers, Two and a Half Men
The Pritchetts/Dunphys, Modern Family
The Scavos, Desperate Housewives
The Simpsons, The Simpsons

FAVOURITE FAMILY TV MOVIE
Beauty & The Briefcase
Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam
ICarly: IPsycho
Revenge of the Bridesmaids
Starstruck

FAVOURITE TV CHEF
Bobby Flay
Gordon Ramsay
Jamie Oliver
Paula Deen
Rachael Ray

FAVOURITE NEW TV DRAMA
Blue Bloods
Chase
The Defenders
Detroit 1-8-7
The Event
Hawaii Five-0
Hellcats Nikita
Law & Order: Los Angeles

FAVOURITE NEW TV COMEDY
Better With You
$#*! My Dad Says
Mike & Molly
No Ordinary Family
Outsourced
Raising Hope
Running Wilde
MUSIC

FAVOURITE MALE ARTIST
Eminem
Enrique Iglesias
Michael Bublé
Tim McGraw
Usher

FAVOURITE FEMALE ARTIST
Katy Perry
Lady Gaga
Carrie Underwood
Pink
Taylor Swift

FAVOURITE COUNTRY ARTIST
Lady Antebellum
Carrie Underwood
Keith Urban
Rascal Flatts
Taylor Swift

FAVOURITE BREAKOUT ARTIST
Justin Bieber
Selena Gomez & The Scene
Ke$ha
Bruno Mars
B.O.B.

FAVOURITE HIP-HOP ARTIST
Eminem
Drake
Jay-Z
Ludacris
Snoop Dogg

FAVOURITE ROCK BAND
Daughtry
Linkin Park
Nickelback
Maroon 5
Paramore

FAVOURITE SONG
“Airplanes,” B.O.B. featuring Hayley Williams
“California Gurls,” Katy Perry featuring Snoop Dogg
“Love the Way You Lie,” Eminem featuring Rihanna
“OMG,” Usher featuring Will.i.am
“Telephone,” Lady Gaga featuring Beyoncé

FAVOURITE R&B ARTIST
Alicia Keys
Beyoncé
Mary J. Blige
Ne-Yo
Usher

FAVOURITE POP ARTIST
Katy Perry
Beyoncé
Lady Gaga
Pink
Rihanna

FAVOURITE MUSIC VIDEO
“Baby,” Justin Bieber featuring Ludacris
“Love the Way You Lie,” Eminem featuring Rihanna
“Teenage Dream,” Katy Perry
“Telephone,” Lady Gaga featuring Beyoncé
“Waka Waka,” Shakira

FAVOURITE WEB CELEB
Jimmy Fallon
Betty White
Alicia Keys
Katy Perry
Teri Hatcher

FAVOURITE VIRAL VIDEO STAR
Giant Double Rainbow
Greyson Chance “Paparazzi”
Madison Square Park Proposal
“Single Ladies” Devastation
Tarp Surfing

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group

We certainly wouldn’t like to be Mike Myers right now – although, granted, that’s mostly to do with his haircut.

But part of it is because of the Razzies. The nominations for this year’s Razzies have been announced, and Mike Myers’ woeful mishap The Love Guru has swept the board, earning nods for Worst Screenplay, Worst Director, Worst Actor, Worst Actress, Worst Supporting Actor and Worst Movie.

But it’s not all bad news for Mike Myers, because The Happening has also been nominated plenty of times, and if it doesn’t win everything then we promise to do a dirty protest somewhere.

For all your Wall-Es and Dark Knights, 2008 was an almost universally terrible year for movies. The Incredible Hulk managed to do the impossible and actually be worse than The Hulk, Quantum Of Solace couldn’t have been any more disappointing if it was about sand, Indiana Jones 4 made us wish that that little Indian kid killed him two films ago, Cloverfield turned out to be 90 minutes of a big testicle chasing some wankers around a city and 27 Dresses was released.

Oddy enough, though, most of these films have been completely ignored by the just-announced Razzies nominations. And that’s because of three things:

1) The Love Guru

2) The Happening

3) Paris Hilton‘s bewildering belief in her own talents as a movie star.

All three are awful in their own special way. The Love Guru, as well as being monumentally unfunny, was promoted with a mixture of interviews where Mike Myers came off as a self-regarding prick and editorial features which all had the headline ‘Mike Myers Is A Self-Regarding Prick’. The Happening was essentially a film about Mark Wahlberg running away from pollen. And then there’s Paris Hilton, who is Paris Hilton.

But despite the ferocious craptitude of those three movies, they aren’t the only recipients of Razzie Award nominations this year. How could they be, when Jessica Alba starred in more than one movie and Al Pacino continued his transformation into the world’s angriest Good Luck Troll? Here are this year’s Razzie Award nominations in full, courtesy of E! Online:

WORST PICTURE

• Disaster Movie
• The Happening
• The Hottie and the Nottie
• In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
• The Love Guru
• Meet the Spartans

WORST ACTOR

• Larry the Cable Guy, Witless Protection
• Eddie Murphy, Meet Dave
• Mike Myers, The Love Guru
• Al Pacino, 88 Minutes and Righteous Kill
• Mark Wahlberg, The Happening and Max Payne

WORST ACTRESS

• Jessica Alba, The Eye and The Love Guru
• The cast of The Women (Annette Bening, Eva Mendes, Debra Messing, Jada Pinkett-Smith and Meg Ryan)
• Cameron Diaz, What Happens in Vegas
• Paris Hilton, The Hottie and the Nottie
• Kate Hudson, Fools’ Gold and My Best Friend’s Girl

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR

• Uwe Boll (as himself), Uwe Boll’s Postal
• Pierce Brosnan, Mamma Mia!
• Ben Kingsley, The Love Guru and The Wackness
• Burt Reynolds, Deal and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
• Verne Troyer, The Love Guru and Uwe Boll’s Postal

WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

• Carmen Electra, Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans
• Paris Hilton, Repo: The Genetic Opera
• Kim Kardashian, Disaster Movie
• Jenny McCarthy, Witless Protection
• Leelee Sobieski, 88 Minutes and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

WORST SCREEN COUPLE

• Uwe Boll and Any Actor, Camera or Screenplay
• Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher, What Happens in Vegas
• Paris Hilton and either Christin Lakin or Joel David Moore, The Hottie and the Nottie
• Larry the Cable Guy and Jenny McCarthy, Witless Protection
• Eddie Murphy and Eddie Murphy, Meet Dave

WORST PREQUEL, REMAKE, RIP-OFF OR SEQUEL

• The Day the Earth Blowed Up Real Good
• Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans
• Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
• Speed Racer
• Star Wars: The Clone Wars

WORST DIRECTOR

• Uwe Boll, 1968: Tunnel Rats, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale and Uwe Boll’s Postal
• Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans
• Tom Putnam, The Hottie and the Nottie
• Marco Schnabel, The Love Guru
• M. Night Shyamalan, The Happening

WORST SCREENPLAY

• Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans
• The Happening
• The Hottie and the Nottie
• In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
• The Love Guru

WORST CAREER ACHIEVEMENT

• Uwe Boll

We’ve checked this list several times, and we can’t help but notice that Justin Timberlake didn’t get a nomination for The Love Guru. The Razzies aren’t for another month – is it too late to ask for a recount?

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Yes, you read that correctly – this Friday one of four housemates will be evicted from Celebrity Big Brother, and none of them are Coolio.

Instead, Ulrika Jonsson, Tina Malone, Michelle Heaton and Mutya all gained the most amount of nominations from their fellow housemates. Who goes? You decide. Or rather a bunch of crosseyed numbskulls who think that voting for Celebrity Big Brother evictions is a constructive recreational activity will decide. Or something.

So for the rest of the week we’ll be looking at the prospective Celebrity Big Brother evictees, starting with Mutya and Ulrika…

Mutya – We’ll admit to being a teensy bit surprised that Mutya has been placed up for Celebrity Big Brother eviction when, say, Coolio hasn’t. Of course, the message here is perfectly clear – if you want to be a shrieking, attention-seeking bellend who routinely makes cracks about beating up women, that’s fine. But if you want to be a decent-seeming popstar whose only crime appears to be displaying a keen sense of personal dignity? Ugh! Get out! Get out you disgusting witch! But maybe Mutya’s self-assurance is to blame here – after all, in that song of hers she did say “I know ezzakly who I am.” Maybe that’s why she’s been nominated for eviction from the Celebrity Big Brother house – constant mispronunciation of the word ‘exactly’. The massive bitch.

Ulrika Jonsson – This has got to sting for Ulrika Jonsson. Two weeks in the Celebrity Big Brother house, and two weeks of eviction nomination. It’s almost like society frowns on obnoxious self-righteous former ladettes with four kids by four men, isn’t it? Weird. Anyway, judging by the smattering of halfhearted cheers that Ulrika got during last week’s eviction, we would bet against her leaving the Celebrity Big Brother house on Friday. Well, we wouldn’t if it wasn’t for our suspicion that Big Brother is still going to bring Nancy Dell’Olio in soon, which means we can expect three days of extremely positive Ulrika coverage so the plot isn’t blown. Then again, Tina Malone is also up for eviction, and Big Brother would have to make Ulrika look like a baby murderer for her to look less popular in comparison, surely.

Tomorrow: Tina Malone.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

You know how this awards season is all about populism and less about three-hour sobathons starring Very Serious People?

Yeah, it’s not. We got that wrong. Sorry. Although WALL-E won Best Picture at a recent awards ceremony, the nominations for next year’s Golden Globes were announced yesterday, and they seem to indicate that it’ll be another good year for dreary films about troubled people who stare into the middle distance a lot.

Golden Globes front-runners include Doubt, Frost/Nixon and Revolutionary Road. So far so miserable. But Batman got a look-in too, with one nomination for, oh, the dead chap. Joy.

Hey, you there! Do you often find yourself getting annoyed because the Oscars don’t go on for as long as you want, what with the nominations, the luncheons, the six-hour red carpet specials and the actual ceremony itself, full of smug introductions and damp-eyed acceptance speeches and the obligatory 400-song performance by shitting Enya?

No, neither do we. Neither does anyone. But, anyway here are the Golden Globes nominations, which are significant because there’s a minuscule chance that they might influence the Oscars in some barely-noticeable way! Hooray!

And the Golden Globes are going to damn well make sure they don’t screw anything up this time – not like their last strike-crippled ceremony, which involved a man sitting at a table reading out names for half an hour. So forget the fact that WALL-E was recently named as the best film of the year by the Los Angeles Film Critics Association – this year the Golden Globes are getting SERIOUS! Only the dreariest, most quietly depressing movies are being made this year. No fun allowed, you hear?

That’s why, as yesterday’s Golden Globes nominations revealed, The Dark Knight and WALL-E were effectively pushed out of contention in favour of lots of films that only drama teachers will pretend to like. The New York Times reports:

A gloomy Hollywood on Thursday put aside a dismal economy and the threat of an actors’ strike, focusing instead on Golden Globe nominations that thrust “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” and “Frost/Nixon” to the award season’s center stage with five each, with both nominated for best dramatic picture. “Doubt” also received five nominations.

Although WALL-E was nominated for Best Animated Feature and The Dark Knight picked up a nod for Best Supporting Actor for Heath Ledger – a category that also bizarrely recognises Tom Cruise‘s weird little turn in Tropic Thunder – that’s about it. The big films to be named in the Golden Globes nominations were:

Revolutionary Road (Kate Winslet sobs because she’s trapped in a suburban hell)

The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button (Brad Pitt sobs because he ages backwards and is a bit like Forrest Gump)

The Reader (Kate Winslet sobs because of the Holocaust and whatever)

Doubt (Philip Seymour Hoffman sobs because Meryl Streep caught him bumming a boy or something, and probably sobs about it too, we expect)

Frost/Nixon (Nobody sobs, but there are lots of heavy pauses and meaningful looks, which are almost as good)

Slumdog Millionaire (An uplifting film about… hey, did we just say ‘uplifting’? How did this get on the list? Someone’s head will roll for this, you hear? ROLL!)

The Golden Globes will be held on January 11. Please let this information affect you however you choose.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!