World events they’re fun aren’t they? Well no, not really, but hey at least you can now use IfIDie.net to record an ‘in-case of my accidentally on purpose death please avenge me to the bitter end’ video. Yes that a real thing now. Yes, it does seem like one of those fake adverts from Six Feet Under and yes it is the greatest use of video technology ever created.

We don’t know why bands even try anymore. They can’t even beat an advert for your own death. The 80’s, that’s what the music video was for, signifying an overabundance of crass ideologies, big hair, glittery outfits and the subjugation of women to the simple age when they were just ‘things’.

Did we mention the hair because that’s a pretty important part? Anyway, shall we look at the new releases?

Showing us all how not to do everything is the most boring non-member of Mumford and Sons Laura Marling.

She’s still whacking her hands against that stringed up tissue box and spitting slowly dying cats out of her face. So, obviously you might want to watch this on mute wherein you will transcend yourself and become one of those people who cites Russian Ballet as a hobby.

You scumbags.

If you like dancing, which as a nation we seem to do, then you will find this video exciting. Conforming to the aforementioned law that one of the vital elements for the success of a music video is the objectification of women, the people doing the dancing are of course women and they are of course wearing some unflattering black underwear, but underwear nonetheless; besides it’s black and we all know that means they want to have sex.

Probably with that snazzy man dancer who’s getting all up in their pelvic thrusts. Laura Marling-1, Feminism-0.

The Arctic Monkeys have gone back into the studio. Anybody?

Oh yeah Richard Hawley is there just in case you forgot they were local lads who love local things. Yes, we get it. You’re from Sheffield.

Breaking news coming in as we’re writing! The original Sugababes seem closer than ever to reforming according to one ardent twitter fan and thousands of unassuming idiots. Try not to break a sweat chasing this one round the rumour mill it’s only been a thousand years and a non-existent number of incarnations and counting.

Obviously you’ll be the first to receive a staggering endorsement of their new video from us if this ever happens. Regular service resuming in 5… 4… 3…

Yay The Red Hot Chili Peppers are still around and Anthony Kiedis still has the biggest dick in the business; everybody dance now! Well, you could, but someone decided to take the video offline thanks to copyright issues. WHAT A SHAME. All you’re missing is the usual turgid rubbish, complete with hair. Oh, there’s also a massive dog/penis allegory that’s being waved in the camera for three minutes.

The weekly metal music video to keep you in a state of habitual depression comes courtesy of Mastadon.

Metal can be sensual too is what this says. How? Well that’s a very good question, but here we state a case that it is through the innocence of a woman’s face. Metal-1, Feminism- -1.

Next week we’ll be ditching gender politics and solving the problems that are inherent within society due to the class system and economic policy so be sure to tune in for that and for the latest on what Mutya, Keisha, and the other one are doing.

We’d love to tell you about the tragic things that have been happening this week, but we can’t get on Wikipedia because of some protest for some dumb law the stupid Americans are trying to enforce. We’d love to tell you what that law is, but you know we aren’t really all that knowledgeable about anything without the use of facts made up by people like you.

We do love it when the world wide web gets it’s knickers in a twist though and it seems like everyone is so we’re here to join in with our eloquently put words; FREE SPEECH IS WELL COOL.

In a tone more akin to what you’re used to seeing here we will now proceed to inform you about the abysmal endorsement of capitalism by Alex “absolute git hamper” James. You might recognise him as the bassist from Blur, or much more likely is that you’ve seen his name on a bag of pre-grated cheese in Asda. It all went downhill when they started slicing bread if you ask us. The once beacon of foppish country cool now hangs around with fellow swan-munchers Cameron and Clarkson sipping freshly juiced faecal matter from paper cups which they then use to muddy our big rotten society so it’s no surprise then to learn that he writes for The Sun now, obviously. Today he announced that he bums McDonalds—of course he calls it Maccy D’s—and Greggs, and KFC, and factory farming, and animal incest, and free love. Okay well maybe not the last one; nobody’s that sick.

Another man that’s a stinking Tory who is regurgitating his lower intestinal tract into words for us to read every day is Brian May, this nutter and his hair just blog instead of write songs, probably because years of brushing that mane have mangled his hands beyond repair.

Not enough though it seems to stop him from making some dreadful decisions.

Yes by dreadful decisions we are referring explicitly to working with The Splat In The Hat, Dappy.

It’s fine though guys – it’s hard to ruin a career when you can’t hear it behind the auto tune. This is what Dappy looks like when he’s living like a rockstar, which coincidentally is the name of the song and the only reason that Brian May is here. Well that and for some reason that he will take to his grave.

You can see the 24 year old sitting in a vacant swimming pool drawing tally marks and talking about Amy Winehouse and The 27 Club; which is absolutely the only reason why anyone will take notice of this dreadful song. Oh, respect to dead Fred as well Bri’.

Another stupid dead person is Jim Morrison and it seems his return isn’t friendly for the epileptics so, the afflicted might want to skip this dub butchery by Skrillex.

You can watch the video the actual promotional video here because some dufus didn’t put it on YouTube so we could embed it on this page. Concerning the video, to be fair to the friendly looking young man, this isn’t entirely his fault. Yes he quit his hardcore band to pursue a career as a DJ. Yes, he chose to remix The Doors. Yes, he forced the still barely alive members of the band to clap like robots. Yes, he is a terrible person. BUT it is something to do with a documentary and The Grammy’s in which the smarmy likes of Mark Ronson will remix songs from ‘traditional music’ they’re calling it Re:Generation and we’re calling it wrong. The live show looks thrilling though… if you’re into pollution of all senses that is.

Alas, it’s always a shame when a career doesn’t quite work out, it’s just so much hassle, but when you’ve been defeated it’s better to just cut your losses and move on. Santigold, clearly, is not a fan of this method. Yes, the woman who released a song nobody knows the name of an inordinate amount of years ago is back and she’s holding onto that multi-coloured childlike dearth of charisma with everything her scrawny frame will allow.

She probably drew the scenery and picked out those pleather shorts all by herself. She can probably cross the road by herself as well because she’s evidently still alive. Don’t you hate it when Santigold is still alive? It’s like if M.I.A if M.I.A wasn’t a bourgeois sign of the times for pretentious…Oh, well then.

For fans of: M.I.A.

All this bloody Lana Del Ray nonsense can bugger off back into the stupid void as well, she was never as good a singer as you wanted her to be and this whole SNL debacle isn’t as bad as you want it to be either so you can all bite your roguish tongues and cock right off. You know what was terrible about SNL? Daniel Radcliffe’s cardigan.

There was some more videos in store for you, but frankly we don’t want you to see them and instead will give you some Lionel Richie as punishment for your sins.

Hello from ant1mat3rie on Vimeo.

Okay so that was the best punishment ever huh?

Azealia Banks is attractive, ballsy and is responsible for some outrageously fun tunes. 212 was a thrilling slice of pop which had one of the filthiest refrains in memory. And now, a new track is online (which you can hear below) which samples Aaliyah!

And so, talented newbie samples RnB legend? What could possibly go wrong?

Well, once you’ve heard it, you might be tempted to think ‘everything’. See, Azealia Banks has gone and made something really very boring indeed. Is she a case of all hype and no knickers? We should lower our hopes.

Banks’ new track is called ‘NEEDSUMLUV’. She posted it on her tumblr because she’s all modern and that.

The track samples Aaliyah’s ’96 single ‘One In A Million’, and is sure to get buried under sycophantic praise from all corners… that’s because the music rags are too scared to miss out on potentially the Next Big Thing and certainly don’t want to fall out with anyone on the rise, in case they hold a grudge and withhold all future complimentary tickets and freebie records.

‘NEEDSUMLUV’ is probably going to end up on her forthcoming debut album, which doesn’t have a name yet.

We’re not saying that it’s going to be lousy, but if NEEDSUMLUV features on it, then you can mark it under ‘filler’.

Can we have more in the seam of 212 or L8R please?

Ta.

Anyway, have a listen to the new track now and tell us how grotesquely off the mark we are about it.
NEEDSUMLUV (SXLND) by Azealia Banks

Lana Del Rey hasn’t even got her debut LP out and yet, somehow, the backlash has already begun! We say ‘somehow’; we know exactly why it has started – she makes really awful music and she’s obviously getting very famous because she’s easy on the eye.

Naturally, that’s not a new criticism against pop-music, but who cares? If Lana Del Rey can rely on the same tired cliches of the alt.pop of yore, then we can certainly chide it for the same old boring reasons.

And oddly, we’re not the only ones who think that Del Rey has a whiff of Emperor’s New Clothes about her. The Also Makes Lousy Music actress, Juliette Lewis, has criticised Lana Del Rey’s performance on Saturday Night Live.

Lana Del Rey appeared on SNL performing her drip-hop tracks, ‘Video Games’ and ‘Blue Jeans’. Lewis didn’t hang around waiting to have a pop at her via twitter:

Wow watching this ‘singer’ on SNL is like watching a 12 yearold in their bedroom when theyre pretending to sing and perform #signofourtimes

The irony here, of course, is that Lewis wouldn’t have a music career if it wasn’t for her being an already famous actress. See also: Zooey Deschanel in She & Him.

In the interests of fairness, hecklerspray would like to see Lewis, Deschanel AND Del Rey all shutting the frig up, forever and ever amen. Lousy music made by people with a fast-tracked career path, thanks to something remarkable away from their mediocre musical prowess.

What we’re saying is, if you like Lana Del Rey’s music, you must be either 8 years old or too proud to admit that you fancy her.

Not that Del Rey agrees.

”I got it because I’m a good musician. And I may not have a record out now, but I have been singing for a very long time, and I think that ['SNL' creator] Lorne Michaels knows that, and everyone over there knows that.”

Yes. But would the fanboys and doting girls still fizz themselves into next week if you had a hare-lip and an iron claw?

Either way, if you include our involvement too, this is the most pointless spat in the history of anything, ever. Seriously. We should all be taken into a public square and flogged to death.

Until then, Lana Del Rey sucks and you’re scum for liking her music.

Christ, we’re starting this year as we mean to go on, which is by turning up very late, slightly drunk, and not really having anything to say. So it’s a lot like last year really, except people might be taking things more seriously because we could all be about to die if the Mayans have anything to do with anything.

Frankly after all this hype we’re pulling for them. You can’t have an evolved civilisation and not be right about the end of the world, things just don’t work like that.

Characteristically we’re apologising for not doing anything for a whole 12 days, but you know we did spend £6.50 on one whisky and we watched New Girl so the recovery period was catastrophic if we’re actually over it yet (we’re not). But don’t worry your revitalised little hearts because nobody has done any music videos. Well some people did, but they’re just rude. Clearly anyone who is anyone is sitting at home and tweeting their well wishes to Beyoncé for having a child and then calling it Blue Ivy not Ivy Blue—a controversial move by the woman who thought a man who picked the last letter of the alphabet for a name was daddy material.

Sometimes it pays to be rude, so here are some videos that reaffirm your faith in how much you hate people. And, what with 2012 being the year of starting sentences with ‘and’ because we dare to defy your English teachers, by people we mean The Arctic Monkeys who you completely forgot existed didn’t you? Well they’re still around and apparently they have an album called Suck It And See.

Did you learn? Did you learn all about how Matt Helders can rock orange as good as anyone bar the entire cast of Con Air? It’s a fairly okay song called ‘Black Treacle’ and there’s little more to add than that, so we shout instead…

Bloody hell! It appears that this year is the year of continuing promotion for albums that came out ages ago which is exactly why whiny gits Death Cab For Cutie have a new song out! As you might expect it’s a bit, you know, whiny.

Hey! What’s this? It’s an acronym and acronym’s are always pretty daunting especially when they say “V.E.N.O.M.” Just remember that these are some lovely young chaps from Leeds and not mass murderers and you’ll be fully equipped to see ‘young’ men expressing their emotions via rabies and tie dye.

But who cares about that, once you realise that The Scissor Sisters are back? Did any of you care? Now they might have been gone a few years (roughly a million) but that’s no excuse for embracing electronica and rap and then just forcing them to penetrate each other continuously for four minutes; especially when the song is loosely paedophilic.

Yep, that was the video, it was a lot of children gyrating intercut with some shots of old men. That was it. If you didn’t hate it enough already then the worst person to ever win the NME ‘Cool’ list sing on the track—hence it being tripe.

Some other bands have videos out too, including one called The Slowdown who aren’t The Wanted or One Direction, but manage to look like both and they have a song called ‘Sex’ but, like us, you probably can’t be arsed more than anything you’ve ever not been arsed about. You could though treat yourself and watch this:

It’s so lovely. It was pitched as a short film by a real director and has real actors in who have been in things you pretend not to have heard of and love like Lovejoy and Mrs Henderson Presents, it even has a real narrative. It’s like young love but with old people and death and Alzheimer’s and stuff which is weird because we don’t think the song sounds sad, but we didn’t listen to the lyrics or anything, do people still do that?

The blaring sound of happiness triumphing is overpowering these days, suppose it must be some sort of seasonal holiday that once again we have failed to understand, yet attempt to embrace by eating chocolates out of crassly wrapped boxes.

What do you guys get from this? All we get is fat which in turn makes us drink more which in turn makes us slip ever more down the spiral and so on and so forth into a new year—don’t even get us started on that ozone layer depleting holiday.

In a wildly ludicrous attempt to garner the attention and affection of you, the demanding public, we will be providing you with some sort of visual and audible spirit; we do also need to watch something fuzzy after having our insides bored out of breathing by the preciously twee trailer for The Hobbit. So here in all their glory are some music video delights showing us the true spirit of Christmas is a horrendous cover that won’t do anything for falling sales or loss of fame.

What says Christmas more than Michael Buble? Sorry about the lack of accent on his name. We’re just not actually that bothered.

Anyway, he’s just released what seems like his millionth Christmas album since the fall of Jesus and God and all those other biblical people.

Watch this and have fervently sweaty and pleasant dreams.

Okay. So that wasn’t exactly a music video, but it had the opportunity to be better than one because you essentially just watched ITV’s A Night In With Michael Buble – again sorry – in three minutes and if that’s not a gift this Christmas then what is? You heard the man talk about how he wants to be in homes all over the world, like the big guy himself, you saw his freakish mouth, his gigantic peni… love of Bing Crosby, and best of all you got to see the twinkly eyed fucker sing in the snow, on a stoop, under a tree, in a room, wearing coats, and scarves, and all manner of suitable attire.

He even admitted he’s going to force his undoubtedly hot wife into giving him children so he can make some more really, really boringly festive people. Great.

YouTube has just destroyed the collective insides of the world and made this writer implode by forcing an advert for Justin Bieber to be watched all the way through before watching one of his cutesy coma inducing videos. EURGH. That’s it Christmas is cancelled.

We have been led to too many Justin Bieber videos through this column. He’s just a young boy kissing a girl under the mistletoe asking her to love him—or something. We don’t even care.  It went straight to number one on the iTunes chart quelle surprise. If you approve of self-harm then you can totally watch him covering ‘Santa Baby’ with Mariah Carey, but we’re having nothing to do with that because we’re watching a Willow Smith video instead, it has fire, and Nicki Minaj so we’re definitely winning at life right now. On a side note—who dresses this girl and why are they obsessed with drag and Rihanna?

Don’t shout guys, but this isn’t a music video either because it’s Christmas and we’re giving you new things unlike anything you’ve seen or heard before which is exactly what this is.

Don’t say we didn’t warn you. You have Ellen Degeneres, your favourite lesbian chat show host shouting in her shrill voice, you have hipster dreamboat Zooey Deschanel and then M Ward who we have nothing to say about other than.

Yes together they are She & Him and they are docile and swell and all the qualities that make music really great for morphine addicts, which is why everyone in the audiences gets a copy of their album and then yelps!

Of course, the best thing that could possibly happen at Christmas is Scott Weiland. You might know who the drug addict is from his fairly famous ‘classic rock’ outfits Stone Temple Pilots and Velvet Revolver—he was the one making a dick out of himself. Well he’s only gone and brushed under the rug the fact he has released an album of Christmas covers and it’s the worst thing ever that we absolutely don’t want to ever stop thinking about.

Watch why The Verve were right about the drugs not working.

We’ve just broken ourselves.

Right. Well we’re shivering because it’s cold these days, but we hope you can manage to pick up the pieces enough to have a lovely Christmas and please don’t forget to leave your mice pies out for Michael.

As it gets closer and closer to the date of doom when we have to write either a boringly predictable end of year music video list or put together a collection of hideously glittery over the top festive themed videos that look like they were all filmed in the Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two studio the more often we start our day by exclaiming, “Christ,” which is, if you think about it, actually rather fitting.

After a hecklerspray piss-up last week in the home of no cash-machines and topless fighting children, or Newcastle if you will, we forgot all about the wonderful world of the music video and so this is being brought to you from haggard hands.

Not just any haggard hands though, festive haggard hands which we can surely all appreciate as we scoff brandy soaked cakes in our gasping mouths—don’t you just love Christmas?

Before the onslaught of seasonal spirit we present to you over the course of the next week here is an actual decent song by our favourite little Hip-Hop trio Das Racist.

The videos not very good, but just like them, it has swathes of charm.

Besides anyone who manages to make a Nirvana t-shirt look vaguely cool after the age of 14 is okay by us.

WATCH IT.

So, apparently there’s a band called Tripple Nipples and apparently they have a song called LSD which all sounds like it might be vaguely interesting and we’re going into this as blind as you are.

The still images are frankly terrifying though, so it’s a good start.

Well that sort of just happened didn’t it? When they say they like their LSD, you believe every syllable they yelp deranged and helplessly in your direction. At least they saved you the trouble of trying actual LSD because now listening to it is just as terrible as dropping it. Happy Christmas nightmares.

What is with this new phenomenon of the short film as music video? We just don’t get it. It’s depraved and is a blemish on the name of good short films everywhere, especially when it’s the likes of Duran Duran and that bloke from Oasis that are marketing their new careers with them. The average brain can’t handle more than about ten minutes at a time which is why we have dreaded advert breaks and we ladies and gents have a very average brain, not least when it comes to this dirge, you shouldn’t need an ad break in a music video—here’s looking at you Duran Duran.

Their star-studded music video for ‘Girl Panic!’ is nine minutes long and absolutely cocking annoying. You could watch the four minute version, but where’s the torture in that? If we’re watching Naomi Campbell, Helena Christensen, Cindy Crawford and some other underweight coke-addicts then we’re watching them in full unadulterated glory… RIGHT?

If you can even consider what it might be like to witness Naomi Campbell ‘acting’ as Simon Le Bon then you still have no idea of how despicable this is. Not only is more than half of it a simple rehashing of the glory days of the band so good they… PLEASE KILL US ALL RIGHT NOW.

This little slice of Euro-Dance has a polished and shiny video to match its audio. What it does also have in abundance is androgyny, you know, if that’s your thing.

HAPPY YULE BERKS.

Lana Del Rey is the latest hot young thing that has a myriad of jaded twentysomethings tying their genitals in knots! She writes her own songs AND is kinda good looking! What a treat! What an unusual treat!

Yep, pop music totally doesn’t have a habit of giving attractive people record deals, despite the negligible talent and persistent dullditude.

But that won’t stop the pouting freight train that is Lana Del Rey! She’s going to become gigantically famous whether she actually gets around to writing a song or not! It’s almost admirable really. The perfect anti-pop star. The Lady GaGa for the supplement reader. AND SHE HAS A NEW VIDEO OUT AND WE’VE WORKED OUT WHAT IT IS ALREADY! Watch it over the jump and we promise to irritate you.

Okay. So what’s Del Rey done with her new, very expensive video for Born To Die? Well, one viewing should tell you everything you need to know about her target audience.

Throughout the video, you’ll cry…

Tigers! Tattooed hipster man! Plugged ears! Side boob!

You’ll notice the terrible lyrics. The awful, woeful, sixth form poetry 101 lyrics. You’ll cry…

Kissing in the rain! Getting high! Girls being sexily mental! Dying! Death! DEATH! DEEEEEEATH!

Yessireebob! You guessed it! Lana Del Rey has gone and done the most zeitgeisty thing ever, ever, ever! She’s only gone and made Tumblr: The Movie.

WATCH. It’s awful. We’ve not even looked at the re-emergence of 9p trip-hop flanked by flat, dead-eyed, tuneless cooing smothered in saccharine William Orbit-esque orchestrations… we’ll leave that for our inevitably scathing review of her massively successful, but utterly awful debut album.

This column is coming to you now because it’s Christmas and that’s a time of giving and moral empathy and we couldn’t not share our joyous life with you. None of these videos are real, we hope you realise that, they are mere clip shows of the fragments of our fabulously wealthy lives where nobody works and everybody has sexual encounters which disfigure their daily routine—which is exactly why Noel Gallagher is being streamed directly into your pelvis.

Except it’s not Christmas is it? It’s December effing the second! Which means there are many doors on your Lego Star Wars advent calendar to be opened before you get a lump of coal and many tireless hours of hearing ‘Fairytale of New York’, tediously throwing up mulled wine before your family sits around a cheap table not talking about how Daniel is on anti-psychotics and mummy cries herself to sleep at night after eating three bars of Galaxy from her secret chocolate box under the bed.

No, there won’t be any Christmas songs here – not until December 24^th when it’s okay to just post clips of Tim Allen.

Manchester has arguably always been a trendsetter in the world of musical cutting edgery. It has produced many famous bands, almost all of whom come from outside of Manchester.

Anyway, one man definitely from Manchester, Noel Gallagher has released a short film to accompany his High Flying Birds thing.

Ride The Tiger is a whole new calibre of music video because it’s… well… a really long thing that imagines America through the eyes of someone who has barely been outside of a tour-arranged hotel room, shot through Hipstamatic. Oh, and has Russell Brand stroking his penis everywhere.

Noel might be singing, “If I had a gun I’d shoot a hole into the sun,” but you’ll be wishing he’d shoot the hole in his mouth by the time he’s done.

Here. Watch it yourself, maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.

It’s hard to believe other music videos came out this week, but apparently life moves on. Not that there’s any point, but Tom Vek released a music video. ‘Someone Loves You’ is directed by a French man and thus is pretty, minimalist and oozes cool like everything Mr. Vek does.

Nothing happens, obviously, it’s just the best dressed man in music standing in a white room with the colour red moving around him in various different ways as he so pertinently says, “No fun, no fun,” where are the convertibles and the deserts and the diners huh Tom? Where are they?

We’ve heard so much about Slow Club and how they’re really interesting people who make good honest music, but until now, we had never bothered to look into this claim. Don’t worry though good readers, with the video for ‘If We’re Still Alive’, the duo have debunked all myths about being interesting et al.

Basically, they’ve made a video with live footage (WOW!) and, get this, seemingly the off-cuts of Noel’s cod-road movie.

There are no more music videos this week — Nicola Roberts doesn’t count. None. Zilch. Noel usurped them all into a big mass of massiveness and he’s not even sorry.

Next week we’ll be watching Liam Gallagher’s 40 minute western response video coming to you in the form of swears; if Carlsberg made music videos…

When Amy Winehouse died, everyone was pretty saddened by the news. A young woman, not yet in her thirties, lost and still with a lot more to give. Shame. Of course, it was a fertile period for making lazy jokes about it on twitter, but the less said about that, the better.

Anyway, Pulp honcho Jarvis Cocker has something to say about it all.

Basically, the national treasure in the making has blamed the tabloids for Amy Winehouse’s untimely death.

Cocker says that the endless media attention that the late singer received forced her to turn to drink and drugs. How does he come to that conclusion? Well, he says he went through a similar situation during the height of his fame during the Britpop era.

Britpop was a rubbish period in pop by the way.

Cocker told The Guardian:

“Amy Winehouse passed away this year and it was all ‘Drugs killed Amy Winehouse’. I think that the press killed Amy Winehouse as much as drugs did, because it sends people into that place where they’ve got no peace, and so they just try to escape. And sometimes you use drugs and drink to do that.”

He added:

“That atmosphere of fear that tabloids cause – and I experienced that a bit, back in the bad old days – it makes you not want to go out, and it makes you act more weirdly because it makes you more self-conscious, and it makes you want to get more off your head because you block it out.”

Alas, a coroner indeed ruled that Winehouse died from excessive alcohol consumption, having consumed enough alcohol on the day of her death to render her more than four-and-a-half times over the drink drive limit.

Coming soon: Jokes.

Phones are still being hacked, seriously?  That’s so twenty minutes ago. Hasn’t this Steve Coogan guy and some woman called Sienna Miller had their fifteen minutes? Someone told us that’s all we’re allowed and we intend to use ours for more than pissing and moaning.

We intend to use ours to inflict unflinching, often nauseating, assessments of society on you in the hope that one day we can better ourselves.

A woman who has made the world want to better themselves by being a complete and utter waste of living tissue is Florence, of the Machine fame.

Her despicable band has unleashed a new video upon us; it’s racist.  The song is ‘No Light, No Light’—good start Flo—and the video directed by some Icelandic folks is all about the glitzy lives of the white bourgeoisie, represented by the fire haired vixen herself Florence.  With overtones of British imperialism stabbing you in the face it’s hard to pick up on much, but don’t worry, it’s not that subtle. You’ll definitely grasp the racism.

Notice the characters in Blackface?  Yeah they’re evil and, erm, Florence and her choir boys are your puritanical whitewashed fantasy.  They should have just cut the music and played the Neo-Nazi banjo boys in out of solidarity.  If you’re a raging penis then please watch the video here, it’s got a massive budget.

Anyway. We feel a little genuinely angry after listening to ‘212’, the never-before-heard-hit by super cool Azealia Banks; it’s just bounce music and swearing, not even very good swearing. The video is appropriately naff which undoubtedly represents how cocking street she is.

This child pretend conga-humps a young man, twirls her hair, and probably sucks a lollipop, all while wearing a Micky Mouse jumper! How kitsch, how twee, how unbearably fucking lovely!

We want this played at all of our funerals because we’re taking you all down with us.

If you can’t be bothered watching the above video, below is a screengrab telling you everything you need to know.

You guys are all massive fans of Gallows and their new line-up right?  Yeah, we thought so, but sorry, the new video isn’t on YouTube yet.  If you would like an idea of just how great it is watch an episode of Sons of Anarchy instead, trust.

DJ Shadow might want to take his own advice one of these days and ‘Scale it Back’. DJ’s aren’t really associated with music videos as much as other genre aficionados, but for this relaxed little piano number featuring Little Dragon the man went all out. It has a quaint little story in a big warehouse presumably where all manner of props are freely available.

Of course, it’s the usual lifestyle hip hop for whitey. Whaddayaexpect?

So many music videos to watch and so little motivation to watch them. Someone should figure out a way to build them into CD’s and then make a combined CD, DVD player that will let us view with ease and pleasure. Apparently the marketing team behind The Roots were worrying this week and decided to release all the music ever, but since we just found out Black Lips have been utilising the cast of The Wire we have a winner for the final and most coveted of spots.

‘Raw Meat’ sound like a band trying to cover The Ramones and The Clash at the same time then getting confused and delighted by the resulting web of simplicity.  The 70’s cop inspired video is equally wonderful in grainy black and white. Of course nothing happens, but you can see Bubbles white friend managing to keep up his ‘I have a crippling drug habit’ look all these years on and if that’s not what you want from a music video then I just don’t know what is.

Oh dear god it was co-produced by Urban Outfitters; we rescind everything just typed.

Please come back next week when we will be talking all about the death of innocence in slutty pop videos, or as is more than likely the case we won’t be writing anything.

Oh guys, big news! Berlusconi managed to release his long awaited record! If your cheers have died down we would like to thank you for supporting the former Italian Prime Minister during his rough patch and for reading this column; which was clearly the catalyst for it finally seeing the shelves, now go and buy it immediately.

Remember The Ting Tings? Yeah. They once shouted “THAT’S NOT MY NAME!” and now it’s more of a case of “DOES ANYONE REMEMBER OUR NAMES?” Also, we’re right when we assume that they’re totally shagging each other, right?

Either way, apart from appearances on the terrible adverts that appear in the adbreaks of the X Factor which shows children with robot arms and penguins dancing on pensioners faces, the Ting Tings have fallen off the radar after briefly being considered as something of a festival fave.

Alas, singer Katie White has still not done a Nuts photoshoot and not thwacked a bass drum in anger in a while because she’s been making a new album. Excited? No, neither were the Ting Tings who promptly binned the whole thing because it wasn’t very good.

According to various publications who may or may not be lying (we don’t actually care), the band scrapped an entire album’s worth of material.

The duo made their new album in Berlin which was set for release this year. They issued the single ‘Hands’ which no-one quite remembers and then, after delays which no-one but impatient record company execs noticed, they have now turned their backs on the work they’ve done after ‘falling out of love with it’.

White says:

“We went to Berlin and really fell in love with techno and dance, which inspired the songs we made there, but we just fell out of love with it”

“We went to Spain and stumbled on this new sound so we thought, ‘fuck it, let’s make the album this way instead’. We’re not a big manufactured pop band with a song out every six months. The label might have pulled their faces a bit at the beginning, but they are now so happy we did it.”

Basically, it presumably has That’s Not My Name pt 2 on it because, effectively, that’s the sort of thing idiot Ting Tingers really want.

They do. YES THEY DO. Shut up.

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Regressive simpleton and spokesman for the thunderously stupid, Liam Gallagher, has decided that his opinion is worth a shouting at everyone… almost like people who use twitter. Y’know? Shouting at the ether?

And oddly enough, he’s decided to drag his knuckles into view and start shooting his lantern gob off about twitter like a frightened troglodyte frightened of a passing automobile.

Basically, he thinks twitter is for dicks.

Get that everyone? King Knob’ead wants you to know that anyone who uses twitter is a dick. Guess who is on twitter? Liam Gallagher, that’s who.

However, he’s got an answer for that. He’s got an answer for everything hasn’t he? Apart from, of course, how to make a decent recent record without the aid of his brother. And even then…

Anyway, the yelper says,

“I hate fucking tweeting, it’s for dicks. I only do it when something needs to be cleared up. I hate it. It’s rubbish… About all that, though, talking about your lunch, it’s like, come on… people need to be lined up and fucking shot, man, people who do that. It’s like, close the door behind ‘em, mate. Who gives a fuck, man?”

He has a point. Who really cares about what famous people are eating?

Step forward Liam Gallagher from a couple of years ago:

“Eat less, move more and don’t drink beer – it’s as simple as that. But me, I love pies and chips – so it’s really hard.”

Still, that’s a one-off right? Again, here’s Liam talking about his healthy new lifestyle from earlier this year:

“I run. World to myself. Birds. Trees. With golf, I love making proper contact with that ball. I’m still on the fish. Sardines or salmon. Salad. I feel good. It’s only the ciggies that really stand in me way.”

Close the door behind you, you wretched penis.

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Ever get the impression that we’re in the worst period of music in mankind’s history? It’s all beige schmindie, stadium turdrock, predictable dubstep and, worse still, maudlin drip-hop like James Blake and the latest sweetheart, Lana Del Rey.

In the case of the latter, everyone is busy pretending that they like her music for what it is (they say ‘beautiful’, we say ‘Sneaker Pimps b-side’) when really, they just like jerking off over pictures of her.

And her next single, Born 2 Die, will have the masturbators in a frenzy when they hear Lana sing the line “let me fuck you hard”. And yes, you can hear it over the jump and start fiddling in your trousers LIKE NOW.

Lana Del Rey (real name, Lizzy Grant) has revealed that her next single will be called Born 2 Die and, to be perfectly honest, having heard it, a huge chunk of our insides wished it was already dead.

Seriously. This is music so boring that there’s a chance your ears will fold themselves inside your head in a bid to listen to something more interesting, like your fading heartbeat as your very constitution wills itself into oblivion.

BUT HEY! DON’T LET THAT PUT YOU SAPS OFF!

You can still have a trouser fumble while she sings “Let me fuck you hard in the pouring rain, you like your girls insane.”

It’s like that meme that’s been going ’round isn’t it?

“Give me a blowjob.”

“How romantic.”

“Okay, give me a blowjob in the rain.”

Anyway, if you’re curious or stupid, here’s Lana Del Rey singing Born 2 Die. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

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A couple of new Amy Winehouse tracks have emerged online and on the radio (yes, people still listen to the radio unbelievably) and they are both getting a decent reception from fans.

It goes without saying that some people will be complaining about posthumous releases and others will STILL be banging on about her drink and drugs problems like that was ever a reason to not like someone’s music.

Anyway, you can listen to the tracks over the jump if you’re quick. Someone is bound to take them offline soon.

On ‘Like Smoke’, Winehouse teamed up with (Nasty) Nas on Like Smoke which was originally recorded in 2008 and debuted on BBC Radio 1Xtra.

Meanwhile, Our Day Will Come was played by DJ Chris Moyles on his breakfast show this morning.

Both are pretty decent and certainly don’t dent her back-catalogue negatively, so everyone should be pretty pleased with the results. The songs will feature on Amy’s posthumous album, Lioness: Hidden Treasures, which will be released on December 5.

£1 from every sale will go to the Amy Winehouse Foundation.

RWD Mag have new track Our Day Will Come (here) and other new track, Like Smoke, featuring the always tremendous Nas can be heard by clicking below.

Amy Winehouse ft. Nas – Like Smoke by azuredamus

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