Well, knock us down with a feather. It must be that time of the week again. The time when we force our hands into the stinking, wretched filth that comes into the hecklerspray mailbox.

To give you an idea of what our mailbag actually resembles, allow us to paint you a picture. With words. Imagine taking a bowl of delicious, ripe fruit and writing a series of misguided, offended or just plain idiotic messages on each pieces and then leaving it to rot. Then imagine putting the pulped, putrid remains of the fruit into a plastic carrier bag and leaving it in a very humid room for a couple of weeks.

Then imagine having to dip your hand into that to remove and read something which calls you a useless idiot. That’s called user feedback, folks and it fucking sucks.

Still, without any further ado, let us wash the remains of your rotten correspondence from our hands and copy your dribbling rants verbatim.

You can pity us but it won’t do you any good. You did this to us in the first place. So here’s this week’s Readers’ Letters. Benevolent deities help us all.

First up this week is the spawn of Jay-Z’s loins. Naturally, this is one of the biggest celebrity stories of the year because they’re both like totally famous and, like, totally talented and stuff. Of course, people with a fan base inevitably have legions of masturbatory freaks who can’t take a joke. Like “Me” for instance. No, not me. Some moron who still thinks referring to themselves in the singular is funny.

I can tell by your article that you don’t like reporting on beyonce so why do they have you doing it.. I came on her to read about beyonce not about how sarcastic you can be.. I mean really get over yourself or don’t report on her..give someone else this job

Reading comments like this really leads us to a phenomenon known as ‘hulking out’, where we all turn either into Marvel Superheroes or into 80s’ American wrestlers. The whole fucking point is that the article is about how sarcastic we can be. There’s nothing else to it. Until you people stop projecting some kind of journalistic ethical code onto us, we’re going to keep having to repeat this every week. Here it is in simple English.

WE ARE NOT JOURNALISTS. 

At least Sparkletits gets it; even though she (?) was replying to some other moron on some other article:

Whoa there friend, settle down. This site is beloved specifically because it brutalizes celebrities. This is like walking into a boxing match and complaining about the violence. Fuck off to people.com or whatever. LiLo is a trainwreck tire fire and does hilarious shit. The end.

That was in response to someone called Michael Prymula, who has a name like a cheese substitute that comes in a tube. His opinions should therefore be disregarded but given that we used to enjoy the one with chives in it on Ritz Crackers, here’s his “worthwhile contribution”:

Fuck you! you worthless fucking piece of dogshit! You think other people’s hardships are SOOOOOOO hilarious, why don’t you just go fuck yourself and stop writing bullshit that nobody cares about! Lindsay can and WILL make a comeback, and she’s a FAR better person then you are!

This is another one. “No-one cares about your opinion” or “nobody cares about their indiscretions”. Of course they do. By leaving comments angrily decrying those who take the piss out of your smacked-up idol, you’re disproving your own point. Of course Lindsay Lohan is a better person than us because we’re fatuous cunts that use our money (earned from a career making faces like we’re having sticks pulled from our arses) to buy crack and smoke a bowl in someone’s poolhouse.

Wait. Hang on. We’ve got ourselves mixed up with strung-out, failed actor Lindsay Lohan, haven’t we? Silly us.

Still, much as ‘she of the poolside nickname’ has some misguided fans, that’s nothing compared to the fans of 30 Seconds To Mars frontdick Jared Leto. Of course, given that all groups of fans have to collective nouns to distinguish them from your average horde of braying nutsacks, we’ve decided to christen Leto’s lot “The Leotards”. Please pass it on to those forums you frequent.

Sometimes it’s the names of the people posting that really draw you into a comment. Take TheGuyWhoWroteThePostIsAFaggotJelousFatForeverAloneSucker which must be an unmitigated nightmare to sign on a disability cheque. This pillar of the Leotard community was up in arms because we wrote an article about him ALMOST FIVE YEARS AGO.

Who the hell’s the gay guy that wrote the post? I bet he’s a fat friki foreveralone 40-year-old who still wets his bed and jelous of THE PERFECTION OF JARED LETO.

Just another hater modafogga who will burn in hell.

Of course, if there’s one thing we’ve learned from the heavily Christian fanbase of 30 Seconds To Galaxy Caramel, it’s that homosexuality is wrong and is punishable by eternity in the firey pits of hell. It is surely not going too far to assume that there must be a fate worse than this for people who like Jared Leto’s fucking awful band.

AJAJAJAJJAJAJAJAJAA
Motherfoggaaaaa
Crappy band? Yo’ mamaaa
Go to hel ahhahahahahaa This dude has some issues.

Yes, here it is again. Would you like us to pick it out?

This dude has some issues.

This from the person who can’t spell motherfucker (or anything for that matter), thinks homosexuals deserve to burn in hell and, perhaps most heinously of all, thinks 30 Seconds to Peanut M&Ms are or ever were any good. It’s stunning to think that someone like this is out living amongst us and not locked in a darkened basement, hooked up to a car battery.

Still, at least ajay knows what we’re all about:

very very very very sexy

Thanks.

Until next week; be good. If you can’t be good be careful. If you can’t be careful then try not to impale your genitals on anything sharp.

Remember Suede? That’s right. They were a vaguely noisy band with an obsession with Bowie and women’s blouses. They were at the forefront of Britpop and, for the most part, Britpop was rubbish. So thanks for that.

Apparently, they’ll be making a comeback. Just great.

Of course, there’s a plethora of middle-aged men with pink faces who are just as thrilled as their velvet blazer wearing girlfriends who will be pleased about the return of one of the most average bands in existence! Dust down your Doc Martens now! Start brushing off your best Indie Nightclubs Of The 90s anecdotes now!

The band are going to release a new DVD Box Set of their comeback performance at the Royal Albert Hall on 24th March, a show that was described by Brett Anderson “The best gig ever.”

Or, if you prefer, ‘the gig I can remember best because I my head was completely inserted into my colon throughout the 90s.’

This new limited edition boxset (limited to THOUSANDS of copies, of course) contains a DVD of the entire concert featuring twenty-one dreadful, pompous, overblown songs about nothing, as well as thrilling backstage footage (Toilets! Dressing rooms! Team prayer! All in black and white no doubt!) and two audio CDs of the show and a grotty 48 page book.

There’ll also be specially written individual notes by all five band members and photos documenting the event.

This all signals the intent for Suede to make a comeback, just so fans can hear the most dreaded words on the nostalgia circuit: “This one’s from our new album…”

Apparently, Anderson says that, if the new material isn’t amazing, they won’t release it… not that this ever stopped them in the past.

Excuse us. We’ve got 8 litres of snakebite to puke up.

Hey! America! You know that song you have that goes “Oh say can you see? By the dawn’s early light! Da-da-dum, dee-dee-dee, the actor called Rocket Redglare’s arse glows!” or whatever it is? Well, once again, it will be sung at a major sporting event where you don’t compete against anyone else in the world!

And who might be fluffing the lyrics to it at Super Bowl XLVI?!

Why, it’s the regrettably nice Kelly Clarkson who is very, very difficult to hate – unless you listen to her music.

Yessir!

Kelly Clarkson will sing ‘The Star-Spangled Bruce Banner’ at the Super Bowl on February 5th at the Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis, Indiana.

Of course, this hasn’t been formally announced, but the organisers of the entertainment for the NFL are absolutely hopeless when it comes to keeping secrets.

Seriously. The NFL is one big gossiping old trout, nattering over the garden fence to next door. And next door is a massive loudmouth.

Clarkson will join a whole host of performerers at this year’s Super Bowl including Madonna, who will perform during halftime with guests M.I.A. and Nicki Minaj, and Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton, who will sing “America the Beautiful” as a duet.

Surely the latter should be called ‘America IS Beautiful’. Cuh! Y’all be dropping the letter ‘U’ from a bunch of words next you brutes!

Go Lions!

Aren’t we all lucky people right now? Frankie Cocozza is off the streets for the next few weeks so we can all get over that bad bout of crabs that we can’t seem to shift, Adele has a new boyfriend so we might not have a song that isn’t the worst sort of melancholic bollocks available and Lady Gaga has promised us a new album appearing sometime this year.

She doesn’t have name for it yet, and even if she did, we wouldn’t find out about it until she cryptically posted a video entitled ‘le title prologue’ or whatever bollocks language she thinks is so vogue right now, or has all the World’s press stepping on her toes, dying to get the slightest piece of information out of her tightly wound lips.

And we don’t mean the ones that’s-a on her face.

The subject theme of the album is heavily under wraps, but she’s united the hipster cocks of Downtown New York and all affected gay teens that want everyone to know they’re gay under one merry banner, so who’ll be added to Gaga’s army of Little Monsters? Transsexuals? Unpleasant shop workers? Koalas? Who knows? Well Gaga knows (we hope).

We don’t even have any information about what sort of things she will be including on her album, but a country threeway with William Shatner and Barbra Streisand probably isn’t going to be in there. Unless Gaga the Benevolent wants to throw the only man brave enough to captain the Enterprise against Khan Noonien Singh a bone.

She’s done it before, but do we honestly think that all the pop-slags drinking WKD purple and other such things would have been wearing bows made out of hair if she didn’t do it? Or things with shoulder pads?

Lady Gaga has a lot to answer for, but until extra clauses are put into the Geneva Protocol prohibiting the use of awful synths as methods of Warfare we might never get the answer to those questions. That’d be a great afternoon at The Hague wouldn’t it?

So a new Gaga album is almost imminent. Listening to it won’t be consensual, you’ll feel grubby and dirty afterwards, but the sooner it’s finished the better. Much like sex with Frankie Cocozza. The dirty hair rapist.

Oooh, that Lady GaGa is weird isn’t she? She loves letting us all know how weird she is. Or is it needy? We can’t tell the difference anymore. It’s the fault of emo kids. They turned being odd into a lifestyle choice and now we’re all confused. No. Not that kind of confused.

Not that you care. This is not about us. You want to know about Lady GaGa.

See, G’gaa left, reportedly, “large amounts of blood” in a hotel bath. Is it some Satanic ritual? Did she have a particularly nasty period? Is she really terrible at shaving her legs and back? Let us investigate!

So, Our Lady Of The Gaga shocked a bunch of criminally underpaid staff when she checked out a swank London hotel. They discovered a pool of red liquid in the bath-tub of her suite.

One housekeeper claimed the pop superstar was…

“bathing in blood as part of a Satanic ritual”.

The chances of the truth being as interesting as that are regrettably slim. Either way, the staff member told website Truthquake:

“Lady Gaga left large amounts of blood in the suite during a stay this summer. The incident was reported to the concierge, who was told to put it out of her mind.”

Someone else said:

“All of the hotel’s staff are convinced she was bathing in it or, at the very least, using it as part of one of her new costumes or weird stage routines.”

Yep. She was probably washing her meat-dress in the bath because no-one would dry-clean it for her, for fear of bringing it back medium-rare.

Naturally, this isn’t the first time GaGa has hammed it up with the kooky business. She’s previously spent £30,000 on Electro Magnetic Field detectors to see if she’s being haunted by a dead aunt. She’s apparently had a team of paranormal investigators do hourly sweeps of hotels she’s been at as she’s terrified of evil spirits.

It’s getting wearisome now isn’t it? Hurry up and release a half decent record already!

Lady Gaga is the ideal woman for… well… most gay men in the world. Apart from those who think she’s cynically milking the gay purse for all it’s worth. Of course, there are straight people and lesbians who fancy her as well, but all that doesn’t matter.

Bad news for you guys.

See, it appears that GaGa has sidestepped the whole, tired ‘Hur hur, she’s got a penis’ rumours to ‘Hur hur, she’s riding someone else’s penis’ now as she was spotted on a romantic stroll with a Vampire Diaries star. Presumably, they were both wearing crab-claw shoes and sporting hats made from tumble-dryer drums. Just to avoid being conspicuous you understand.

So who is this fanged hunk? Well, it’s the one and only (no, not Chesney Hawkes) Taylor Kinney. Wait. Weren’t they a punky girlband who were really great in the late 90s?

Probably not.

Either way, GaGa, with her underpants made from cobwebs and a bra made out of wistful memories, was spotted tottering around like a parrot on a perch with Kinney in California at Christmas. Christmas in Cali must be rubbish. All that frost and snow killing the man-planted palm trees. Awful.

Naturally, Queen Ga’ has been linked to The Vampire Diaries star before (some unimportant time in summer) after he played her love interest in the music video for her single You And I. Remember? Us neither.

AND NOW! Whoa. Wait ’til you hear this… they were spotted walking with their arms wrapped affectionately around each other. Entwined. AND walking. At. The. Same. Time. Amazing. Those crab shoes will have certainly helped them to walk sideways as they refused to rip their glare from each other’s crying-with-emotion eyeballs.

This is surely the greatest love-story ever told.

Hey! Celebrities! What are you giving us plebs for Christmas? No. We don’t want individual gifts from you. That would be stupid. We want something though because, if you didn’t know, Lady GaGa has got us all something.

Yeah. You heard, you tight-fisted, mean-spirited scrooges. You have all that money and time, and what? You’re doing nothing? You know that niggling doubt in your mind? That one that tell you everyone hates you? That one that says you’re transparent and talentless? We know. We’re holding it against you from now.

And all because Lady GaGa could be BOTHERED to get everyone a present while you sat there lording it up like you mean something to someone. What? What’s she getting us? Well…

While it may result in the equivalent of a lump of nuts in a football sock, it’s the thought that counts. See, GaGa is giving everyone a free download for the festives.

An unreleased track no less.

She’s going to record the song on her tour bus and the track will be available on Christmas Day to say thank you to everyone for turning her into a preposterously wealthy human being.

Those lumps in her shoulders don’t buy themselves, y’know?

She tweeted:

“Been racking my brain on what to get Little Monsters for Christmas!! I finally figured it out!!

“On Christmas Day I will leak to you an unreleased Song off Born This Way! It was recorded live, in one take, on the tour bus. Uncensored.”

It’ll be a swearfest then, right?

If it isn’t, can we have a receipt so we can swap the leaked track for something else? We never said we would be wholly grateful for the present.

Donald Trump is a man of many talents; he pioneered the modern day comb over, he discovered that President Obama was actually a Senegalese street cleaner called Babacar Ousamane, causing him to resign from the Presidency and is rumoured to have been the man who killed Kim Jong-il, with a Chuck Norris style roundhouse.

But now, ‘The Donald,’ as he is known, has made his most audacious claim yet, he (and he alone) is personally responsible for the meteoric rise to fame of the 21^st Century musical behemoth, Lady Gaga.

That’s right, if it wasn’t for Donald Trump the world would never have been subjected to the second coming of Madonna.

Top man Trump, stated that it was his choice to have Gaga perform during the 2008 Miss Universe pageant. The resulting performance that she put on got tongues wagging, with people all over the world reportedly not talking about the pageant because they were too busy wondering who that entertainer was.

Naturally there was no mention of the fact that Gaga’s inaugural performance came just after the crucial Miss Universe Wank Threshold. After which it’s assumed that any and all viewers have finally reached their climax and so they’d better wheel out the performing monkey to distract them and give them a little bit of time to recover.

America’s answer to Lord Sugar wasn’t done there though.

Now that he’s successfully managed to convince everyone that he brought us Gaga, instead of simply being a bit gaga, Trump has begun work on his next outlandish claim.

Rumours have been circling Stateside that Trump is planning to claim that he is in fact the man in the moon, having acquired the advertising rights after a hostile takeover of NASA that took place just before they had to scrap the space shuttle program.

Paul McCartney is bringing a new album out. There’s a phrase that hasn’t caused too much excitement since Wings were knee-high to a grasshopper. Unless, of course, you’re a bloated Beatle fanatic who is unable to hear any criticism against any of the Fabs. Ever.

Unless it’s Ringo.

The fact remains, Macca is going to stick a new LP out on 7th February and he’s doing a whole bunch of cover versions because, sadly for him, he’s run out of ideas. The last vague hit he had was ‘Dance Tonight’ and that was thoroughly poo.

Apparently, this new album will be a “deeply personal journey” which will see Macca covering old-timey American songs that inspired him and bandmate John Lennon when they wrote their own tunes.

In a statement (because new albums definitely need ‘a statement’), Sir Paulio said:

“When I kind of got into songwriting, I realized how well structured these songs were, and I think I took a lot of my lessons from them”

“I always thought artists like Fred Astaire were very cool. Writers like Harold Arlen, Cole Porter, all of those guys – I just thought the songs were magical. And then, as I got to be a songwriter I thought it’s beautiful, the way they made those songs.”

Well duh.

McCartney will be teaming up with jazzist Diana Krall and producer Tommy LiPuma who got the recovering mop top to record his vocals in a booth without instruments for the first time in his musical career.

“It was very spontaneous, kind of organic, which then reminded me of the way we’d work with the Beatles. We’d bring a song in, kick it around, when we found a way to do it we’d say ‘Okay, let’s do a take now’ and by the time everyone kind of had an idea of what they were doing, we’d learnt the song. So that’s what we did, we did the take live in the studio.”

So how’s he been doing it since The Beatles? Being lazy and accepting that the first version is the one that gets used because everyone surrounding him is constantly telling him how bloody wonderful he is?

Not that Paul will be short of sycophants on this new album as he’s drafted in Stevie Wonder and Eric Clapton to tickle his ego. That said, Stevie and Clapton probably won’t be in the same room together, especially if Mr Wonder recalls Clapton once shouting from the stage of a show:

“Do we have any foreigners in the audience tonight? If so, please put up your hands. Wogs I mean, I’m looking at you… Where are you? I’m sorry but some fucking wog… Arab grabbed my wife’s bum, you know? Surely got to be said, yeah this is what all the fucking foreigners and wogs over here are like, just disgusting, that’s just the truth, yeah. So where are you? Well wherever you all are, I think you should all just leave. Not just leave the hall, leave our country.”

“Get the foreigners out. Get the wogs out. Get the coons out. Keep Britain white. I used to be into dope, now I’m into racism. It’s much heavier, man. Fucking wogs, man. Fucking Saudis taking over London. Bastard wogs… Enoch for Prime Minister! Throw the wogs out! Keep Britain white!”

Ebony and ivory, live together in perfect harmony. Side-by-side on my piano, keyboard…

Terrible breakfast of shit, Mumford & Sons, want us to listen to them talking about their next album. As if it wasn’t enough that we had to endure their beige, tepid, tuneless, flaccid music in the first instance. And don’t say ‘Don’t like it, don’t listen’ because they’re bloody played EVERYWHERE, ALL THE STUPID TIME.

Anyway, they’ve got some new, awful material to release. You’re probably wondering what it sounds like.

Well, according to the self imposed trampery that makes up the band, the new album will sound like “Black Sabbath meets Nick Drake”. Forgive us while we puncture the vital, thick veins that run down our necks, now.

Of course, there’ll be fans out there desperate to defend Mumford & Sons. They’ll probably point out that they went to a gig which they thought was incredible. That’s just conjecture though because your opinion counts for shit.

Or, perhaps fans would like to point out that ‘Sigh No More’ has sold a squillion units! It’s just been certified platinum in the US and four times platinum in the UK! Yep. Popularity equals quality doesn’t it. That means we can assume that Mumford & Sons fans are ready and willing to fight the corner of LMFAO and Black Eyed Peas.

Maybe, just maybe, you think they’re really talented because they write their own music. Never mind the fact that 99% of Motown records weren’t written by the artist that sang them and that scum like Bruno Mars writes his own stuff. No, writing your own music is definitely advantageous to someone listening to a record, right?

Where were we?

Oh yes, speaking to Rolling Stone about their second studio album, bassist Ted Dwane said:

“The second record is just a reflection of our mindsets, where we’re all at. It’s doom folk, kind of like Black Sabbath meets Nick Drake.”

Doom folk. Nick Drake meets Sabbath. That was said without a hint of irony. Mumford & Sons actually believe they can aim toward either outfit. That’s because they’re spectacular, chinless goons in bad suits.

2012 is the year the LP comes out and, with any luck, humans will have evolved into complete deafness by that point.

Remember The Ting Tings? Yeah. They once shouted “THAT’S NOT MY NAME!” and now it’s more of a case of “DOES ANYONE REMEMBER OUR NAMES?” Also, we’re right when we assume that they’re totally shagging each other, right?

Either way, apart from appearances on the terrible adverts that appear in the adbreaks of the X Factor which shows children with robot arms and penguins dancing on pensioners faces, the Ting Tings have fallen off the radar after briefly being considered as something of a festival fave.

Alas, singer Katie White has still not done a Nuts photoshoot and not thwacked a bass drum in anger in a while because she’s been making a new album. Excited? No, neither were the Ting Tings who promptly binned the whole thing because it wasn’t very good.

According to various publications who may or may not be lying (we don’t actually care), the band scrapped an entire album’s worth of material.

The duo made their new album in Berlin which was set for release this year. They issued the single ‘Hands’ which no-one quite remembers and then, after delays which no-one but impatient record company execs noticed, they have now turned their backs on the work they’ve done after ‘falling out of love with it’.

White says:

“We went to Berlin and really fell in love with techno and dance, which inspired the songs we made there, but we just fell out of love with it”

“We went to Spain and stumbled on this new sound so we thought, ‘fuck it, let’s make the album this way instead’. We’re not a big manufactured pop band with a song out every six months. The label might have pulled their faces a bit at the beginning, but they are now so happy we did it.”

Basically, it presumably has That’s Not My Name pt 2 on it because, effectively, that’s the sort of thing idiot Ting Tingers really want.

They do. YES THEY DO. Shut up.

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Normally when we see the ridiculous antics of groups of girls and younger gays on Twitter, clubbing together to form an online “army” and ruining Trending Topics for everyone, we usually want them all to die in a Lady Gaga inspired fire.

There’s armies for One Direction, Justin Bieber, Cheryl Cole; if you’re a modern popstar cum bumwipe, chances are you’ll have yourself an army of devoted fans eventually.

But what happens when Armies turn bad? Well, that’s what Adele is finding out as she is getting some awful things said about her over Twitter recently. Truthful and hilarious, but still awful things.

So what’s got the Gaga Army all riled? Well, Adele’s success apparently. Both the stars are up for one of those fancy award thingies (like the one that we won for being the Best Celebrity Blog Ever) to become the bestselling artist IN THE WORLD.

Alarmingly, Adele has overtaken Lady Gaga and sold one in 10 records this year. That means that not only will Adele have a rotten amount of money and we’ve got to wipe our derrieres on old copies of the News Of The World, but that 10% of all record buying peoples are clearly dicks.

Bet they all tell everyone to shut up when ‘Someone Like You’ comes on and call it ‘their song.’ Even though it’s about having an unwanted love for someone. It’s hardly the most romantic of songs. It’s the thing of violent revenge attacks. It’s literally the soundtrack to Raoul Moat’s life.

It also means that it looks like Lady Gaga will be losing out to the eclair-loving songstress.

So what do the ‘Little Monsters’, the ridiculous name given to Lady Gaga fans, do? Congratulate the “talented” singer about her success and hope her the very best in her future endeavours? Of course not. They’ve been slating her with some hilari- sorry, horrible comments. The best we’ve seen is

“Confirmed: Gaga will not be wearing her meat dress because she is afraid Adele will eat it.”

Which is funny, because it could possibly be the truth. Cheryl Cole is thinking twice about wearing her choux pastry hat with sugar strand shoulder pads for the occasion.

Obviously we would normally only criticise someone because they’ve been attacking their girlfriend Chris Brown style, or if they make Moves (on children) Like Jackson, but we do have a special bucket of hate for Adele, with her depressingly mainstream pop songs that everyone loves all the time and that she’s basically stealing the shtick of most soul stars for the past sixty years.

But we wouldn’t change a thing Adele, mainly because seeing people get harassed on Twitter can be sometimes hilarious, and is a lovely way to spend time on the toilet.

Especially during a ‘distress poo.’

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When normal people have normal problems, it’s boring. However, when a famous person has normal problems, it becomes endearing. It enables us to coo “OOOH! THEY’RE JUST LIKE US!”

They’re not. They’re nothing like us. They are wealthy, bloated maggots who feed on our emotional connection to their image. They expect us to care more about their outpourings than our own.

And in the case of Kelly Clarkson, she wants us to give two hoots about the fact she’s never been in love. That accounts for why her love ballads sound so disingenuous then, eh?

She says, to USA Today:

“I’ve never been in love. I’ve never experienced certain things, and I think that’s because I have this side of me that is shut off.”

“Because I haven’t found anybody yet to open to that I feel like, ‘OK, you’re worth breaking down that wall for.’ I’ve never found that.”

Well boo hoo. How bloody awful that must be for you.

But wait! She’s not just completely loveless! She’s also uncomfortable with the fame she’s got.

“Celebrity is weird. I have no controversy. You don’t see me in rehab, or you don’t see me coming out with my hey-haw showing. There’s not much to report. So when anything little is reported, it’s like ‘Oh, my God, she wasn’t wearing makeup!’ We have one life and I want to have good character, I want to be around people with good character who have good motives.”

Forget that.

The real news is that we now know that Kelly Clarkson calls her vagina “hey-haw”. Jesus H. Christ.

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Lady GaGa is a woman obsessed by fame. She loves it. She likes the idea, the smell, the taste and the lumpy feel of it. She would wouldn’t she? She hasn’t been famous long enough to become jaded by the idea.

It’s all one big, vague art project to her.

And despite the fact she’s only been famous for the blink of a mayfly’s eye, that hasn’t stopped people wanting to cash in on her own clamber to the top of the popular culture pole. Let it be noted that by ‘pole’, we mean a long, slippery stick rather than a man from Warsaw. If becoming famous was as simple as humping a Polish gentleman, we’d all be at it, right? Just us? Oh.

Anyway, some jerks who work for American television have decided to make a new film which chronicles Lady GaGa’s rise to fame and fortune.

Just in time for everyone going cool on her. Seriously. We haven’t heard from her for a while and god knows our attention spans are shorter than Mike Tyson’s fuse.

Either way, executives at the Lifetime network are developing Fame Monster: The Lady Gaga Story, which will show Stefani Germanotta’s transformation from jobbing songwriter to full-on LOOK AT ME pop star.

The TV film (the new ‘straight-to-video’) will be based on Maureen Callahan’s 2010 book Poker Face: The Rise And Rise Of Lady Gaga and the script will be written by Norman Snider, who penned Kevin Spacey’s 2010 movie Casino Jack.

Lady Gaga is not involved in the project, so it can’t be that good.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Kate Bush is releasing an album and everyone is getting very, very excited. It’ll be out in November and will be called 50 Words For Snow. A Christmas album no less. How very, very thrilling.

That said, it may as well be called ’50 Words For Lazy’ as Kate isn’t exactly known to have a particularly good work ethic.

After a run of LPs in the late 70s and 80s, Kate put her feet up and released 4 albums (including this new one) in nearly 20 years. That’s impressively bone idle. And so, this got us thinking: Who are the laziest people in music? Which bands are so workshy that they can’t even be bothered to release music to their adoring fans?

Considering The Beatles released 12 albums in 7 years (and kinda went about changing the face of popular culture as they went along), it’s astonishing that so many bands and artists agonise over their LPs to the point that they can’t ever get ’round to releasing anything.

Artists spend far too much time pondering and staring out of windows waiting for their muse to strike. Not like The Fall. They’ve released 18 albums in the past 30 minutes alone.

It’s quite pathetic really (mind you, writers are far worse).

And so, let’s have a look at some of the most lethargic, lazy-ass bands from the annals of popular recorded music.

Guns n Roses

GnFR are one of the most slovenly groups to ever waddle around the stadium of rock. In their 24 years they’ve released a paltry 6 albums, leaving fans waiting aaaaaaaaaaaages to hear the tripe that turned into Chinese Democracy. Worse still, in that time where they were more prolific, they released LPs filled with cover versions. If Axl Rose spent more time being a musician, rather than trying to pick fights with his own reflection and everyone else, while getting braided hair and growing ill-advised beards, he might’ve actually got some work done.

Portishead

In 17 years, Portishead have only managed 3 proper albums. Of course, with their image being that of shy, retiring, sensitivity, this reclusiveness only adds to their mystique for fans. Mystique is one thing… having more records to enjoy listening to is entirely another. Dossing swine.

Massive Attack

Another Bristolian outfit, Massive Attack just can’t be bothered doing any work. In 20 years, they’ve squeezed out a pitiful 5 albums. Maybe they should lay off the weed and try kicking each other up the arse once in a while.

Vashti Bunyan

Vashti Bunyan, considered by many to be something of a female Nick Drake (only without the suicide) is an impressively lazy woman. She recorded her first LP in 1970, and then left it ’til 2005 to record a follow up. So, at present, that’s two albums in 41 years. Worse still, both albums aren’t nearly as good as record collector types make out.

My Bloody Valentine

In 23 years, MBV have managed to release a whopping 2 whole albums. Of course, one of them nearly bankrupted Creation Records (it would’ve saved us from a fate worse than Oasis if it had). Valentines honcho Kevin Shields really doesn’t know how to work quickly. He’s musical dole scum, and we mean that in an endearing way.

Boston

Boston, in 35 years, have honked up a measly 5 albums. They must really, really love a lie-in.

Sex Pistols

The Sex Pistols released 1 proper LP in 37 years. There’s people who will argue that they imploded before they got rubbish, but look at how many compilations and lousy cash-grabbing tours they have completed since then. Of course, being odious punks, they can pass the whole thing off as some kind of art-school prank. That’s how people like John Lydon can get away with doing anything he wants, even if it’s appearing on reality TV and starring in commercials on TV. He’s essentially Britney Spears with better excuses.

MISSED ANY BANDS? TELL US IN THE COMMENTS THEN.

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