There are all sorts of festivals to cater for all sorts of musical tastes in all four corners of the world. The main ones kick off at this time of year and hecklerspray is here to tell you all you need to know about each festival, who the essential people are to see and which act to avoid so you can queue up for the overflowing shit-filled portaloos.

As the sun sneaks out from behind one of his many clouds, the hot weather looks like it may arrive for one of the festivals that kick starts them all. Download is the chance for 75,000 people to gather together and rock out to leather clad men drenched in tattoos and piercings. Sounds like a bit ropey if you ask us.

Download festival means one thing: it’s the only weekend of the year when parents of angry teenagers can drop off their sprogs so they can all share a common love of hating the world together. Of course it may mean forking out over £300 for little Jimmy’s ticket, food supplies, tent, waterproof clothing and suncream but it means mum and dad can have Saturday and Sunday free of Norwegian mega death metal.

For the kids, it will be an opportunity to meet fellow angst ridden emo lovers. This gives the ideal opportunity for everyone to compare their generic star tattoos, lip piercings and why My Chemical Romance means so much to them.

Because the festival attracts a younger audience, expect a quick queue at the bar. Hopefully the Download staff will stick to alcohol laws and won’t serve beer to sixteen year old children. Though we’re sure that some young rascals will get their mucky paws on a few pints of cider and vomit up their £6 gravy and chips.

The Mr Whippy van will have to call in extra supplies of cotton candy to cope with the demand as children look for a sugary high as opposed to the one they’d get when they’d smoke cannabis cut with Oxo cubes.

Think of this festival as a massive childminding event where the entertainment isn’t a Punch and Judy show, but the screaming’s of some pissed up rock band. You’ll be lucky to see a synthesiser. Held over three says, Download offers the best new rock talent and aging crippled artists who won’t go away.

Friday – Go go go!

Kiss – You know that porn film which had Gene Simmons in it? Well boys and girls, this is what he does as a ‘proper’ job. No, he doesn’t paint faces for a living! He rocks out, probably with his cock out.

Rolo Tomassi – We love these young guns from Sheffield. They will surprise you with how loud and crazy they can be.

Friday – Avoid Like The Plague:

Motörhead - They have one song that everyone knows and that’s about it. They’ll only play it at the end of the set to make you wait.

Kid Rock – He’s an American Badass apparently. But we think of him as just an arsehole. Once upon a time he married Pamela Anderson. Go ask him about it, he probably tell you all about it.

Saturday – Go go go!

Ash – They may be cracking at the seams, but they’re always up for a song and a dance. Something which comes with bucket loads of sweat.

Biffy Clyro – Scottish rockers who don’t fall into the trap of being the same thrash metal track thirty-two times over. Ask nicely, and they may sing their version of Rhinna’s umbrella song.

Saturday – Avoid Like The Plague:

Pendulum – For fuck’s sake, are they booked to play at every festival this year? Just like 50 Cent playing Leeds in 2004, Pendulum are Download’s random booking.

The Offspring – Apparently we we’re wrong to label them one hit wonders. After Pretty Fly [For a White Guy] they’ve had more hits. How are they headlining?

Sunday – Go go go!

Lethal Bizzle – The guy’s amazing. His crossover blend of rock/hip-hop/electronica should appear to all. Even My Chemical Romance fans might crack a smile.

Exit Ten – One album done and many more to follow. A band to say you saw before they made it big and sold their souls to Simon Cowell.

Sunday – Avoid The Plague:

Fightstar – Get ready to piss in a bottle and launch it at Charley. The former Busted goon doesn’t really seem to fit in.

Jimmy Eat World – We don’t get them or understand their popularity.

If your answer is 'no', then chances are you're not a military prisoner being held by the United States in Iraq. Out there, you see, Deicide are massive. Huge. Seriously – literally every bomb-strapped insurgent worth his salt just can't get enough of them. Well … we say 'can't get enough of them'. What we actually mean is 'forced to listen to them at terrifying volume in order to be beaten into submission.'

For your information, Deicide are a death-metal band from Florida whose work to date includes such party classics as Homage For Satan, Fuck Your God, Scars Of The Crucifix and Granny's favourite Kill The Christian. They're named after the peculiar act of killing a divine being – something which hecklerspray presumes is quite a rare occurrence, save for that time our mate Dave was driving home drunk and accidentally ran over that bearded guy with the holes in his hands. 

Anyway. After selling upwards of 500,000 records to their hardcore fanbase, Deicide have now launched a new career: they're officially the band whose music is used the most to torture Iraqi war prisoners. Yay!

Coming ahead of such other luminaries as AC/DC (nice and loud, but too light-hearted), Metallica (too melodic) and Eminem (too 1999), Deicide are apparently thrilled to learn that – when it comes to rupturing the eardrums of wannabe terrorist-types – they're number one with a bullet. Or maybe a bomb belt.

Deicide drummer Steve Asheim says:

"It's cool. If we're up to military standards of audio abuse, it makes me feel like Deicide's doing our part for the troops."

And if doing your part for the troops means sounding like the Cookie Monster straining to pass a razor-embedded turd while an army of monkeys dismantle a guitar factory, then – congrats – you've most certainly made a contribution.

This might not be the case for long, though. Other songs on the Torture Playlist show that those wily prisoners may be getting immune to this death-metal malarkey, and require more insidious choices to make them talk. Hence the inclusion of Babylon by David Gray, Stayin' Alive by The Bee Gees and Dirrty by Christina Aguilera – all of which would have hecklerspray confessing to the JFK shooting if played within a 30-mile radius of the office.

Still. You'll never get us to admit to that Michael Barrymore pool party incident. No matter what sort of hideous music you throw at us.

What's that? Babyshambles?

Oh no. Damn you. Damn you all to hell…

Read More:

AC DC – DEICIDE TOPS PRISONER LIST – Contactmusic