Mel Gibson must be over the moon – he’s finally got enough children to become the star of his own reality TV show.

Imagine what a perfect show that would be. It’d be almost exactly like Jon & Kate Plus 8, if only the internal dynamic of that show was based on Jon Gosselin’s constant struggle to avoid another full-blown anti-Semitic alcoholic relapse instead of John Gosselin’s constant struggle to stop the world seeing how bald he’s going.

But anyway, our point is that Mel Gibson became the father of his eighth baby on Friday. Mother and baby are fine, but the father can be a bit of a dick sometimes.

Anyone wondering why Mel Gibson’s films are so notoriously gory should understand one simple fact about him – he’s now fathered eight children. Assuming that he was in the delivery room for all eight of those births, that means Mel Gibson has seen more blood and guts and involuntary pooing and, yes, rectal tearing than any man really deserves to. It’s probably seared onto his mind. He probably can’t even close his eyes without seeing a nightmarish montage of horrific rips and gapes and tiny little blood-covered fingers emerging from the dilated genitals of his loved ones. No wonder Apocalypto was so violent.

On a happier note, Mel Gibson has just had a little girl. Yay. The RadarOnline reports:

RadarOnline.com has learned exclusively that Mel’s fiancé Oksana Grigorieva has given birth to their baby. And pass out the cigars because it’s a healthy baby girl. Oksana gave birth on Friday, a few weeks early but a source tells RadarOnline.com that everything went well and mom and daughter are doing just fine. In fact, RadarOnline.com has learned that mom and the baby are already home.

Not only is the new baby Mel Gibson’s eighth, but she’s also the fist that Mel has had with Oksana Grigorieva, his new and almost immediately impregnated fiancee. It seems like good news – after all, Mel and Oksana seem like they’re in their relationship for the long-haul and the baby certainly won’t cause any financial headaches for the couple – but it’s important to remember that both Mel Gibson and Oksana Grigorieva already have children of their own, so there’s a good chance that they have wildly conflicting ideas about raising kids.

For instance, as a wealthy Russian, Oksana is likely to value self-direction when it comes to child development, and will allow the new baby freedom to roam their house and make her own mistakes. Whereas Mel Gibson, on the other hand, knows that the best way to raise a child is to give it love, protection and endless angry lectures about exactly why the Jews are responsible for everything bad that’s ever happened to the world.

So that could be a problem. On the plus side, though, there’s a good chance that Mel Gibson’s new baby will have Joe Pesci as a godfather. Wait, no, that’s not as plus at all, that’s also terrifying. That poor girl’s done for.

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Unfortunate news for anyone who enjoys mocking Mel Gibson – which, let’s face it, is just about everyone.

His record is clean. Now that he’s completed his community service, Mel Gibson has successfully requested to have his 2006 DUI arrest expunged from his record. So what can we mock Mel Gibson for now?

What? The fact that Mel Gibson’s a hard-line religious egomaniac and a recovering alcoholic with twin sidelines in casual anti-Semitism and hilariously sexist neology, a girlfriend who’s more or less young enough to be his daughter and a CV that includes What Women Want and Maverick? Oh, OK then.

Mel Gibson’s had a rough few years – since 2006 he’s managed to get caught speeding through Malibu while swigging from an open bottle of tequila – while informing the arresting officer that a) in actual fact Mel Gibson owns Malibu, b) the Jewish faith is responsible for all the wars in the history of the world and c) there was a very strong chance that at some point Mel would try to have sexual intercourse with him – call another female ‘Sugartits’ to her face, get divorced, start a rebound relationship with a woman he promptly knocked up and hang out with Britney Spears a bit.

Truly, the man knows suffering. Seriously, Britney Spears? Yeesh.

But that’s all in the past. Mel Gibson has begun to move on with his life now. He’s settling down with his new family, filming a movie called The Beaver – which will hopefully be at least as good as What Women Want – and, legally, he didn’t even do that DUI thing. He didn’t. Check his record. Look, Not there, is it? BBC News reports:

Mel Gibson’s conviction in 2006 for drink-driving, has been expunged from his record, it has been confirmed. The Oscar-winner’s lawyer requested the dismissal after the star successfully completed the terms of his probation… The star had been ordered to perform public service work and attend Alcoholics Anonymous for three years.

But don’t think that Mel Gibson is off the hook yet. Just because his DUI has been expunged, it doesn’t mean that he can start driving around California being all drunk and racially-dubious again – it will still magnify his punishment if he’s ever arrested for the same thing again.

That’s us being pessimistic, though – we’re sure that Mel Gibson has fully learnt his lesson from all of this, and that next time he wants to get shithammered on spirits and rant like a madman about how much he hates the Jews, he’ll do it from the comfort of his own home.

And, still, on the plus side, at least his clean record means that Mel Gibson can now go to heaven when he dies. Phew, it sure is a good job that God can only judge people by quickly glancing at their computerised police records – because we’re not completely sure that Mel would be allowed in if God had access to any of the several thousand news sources that reported his arrest. Or if he had access to the movie The Man Without A Face, for that matter. We wouldn’t let him into heaven for that. But that’s just us.

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Have you heard the news? Mel Gibson has got his new girlfriend pregnant! Wait, you had heard the news?

You’d heard the news because it’s been widely known for weeks? Fine. But have you heard the news of Mel Gibson’s impending fatherhood as told by a jittery, shifty-looking middle-aged man who looks as if he harbours several controversial beliefs regarding the Jewish faith? You haven’t? Good, because Mel Gibson did all of that himself on Jay Leno last night.

And the truth is that Mel Gibson got her pregnant and soon he’ll be a dad again. And that’s it. Ta-daaaah!

For a man who doesn’t have any new films coming out until at least next year, Mel Gibson is everywhere at the moment. Everywhere. He’s all over the internet, filling up magazines and on celebrity TV shows so often that we’re genuinely getting nostalgic for the time when he was forced into exile because everyone hated him and actively wanted his career to end.

This sudden wave of attention is, of course, all down to the recent comings and goings in Mel Gibson’s personal life. In the space of – if memory serves correct – about three seconds, Mel Gibson divorced his wife, started going out in public with his new Russian girlfriend and then knocked her up good and proper.

It’s all a bit bewildering, really. Not because the story behind Mel Gibson’s divorce has yet to properly come to light, but because it’s mildly horrifying that any woman would let a man who spent so many years growing such a horrible mullet get close enough to her to make pregnant even a distant possibility.

However, despite all the headlines he’s generated, Mel Gibson hasn’t actually spoken about any of these developments in public – which is probably down to the fear that he’d use a television appearance as an excuse to get drunk, call everyone ‘Sugartits’ and end up explaining at length why the Jews are to blame for everything from all global conflicts to the way that sometimes vending machines don’t accept your coins first time – but now, finally, he has.

Mel Gibson was the first of Jay Leno’s final-week special guests last night, which gave him a chance to fully and frankly get his side of the story across in incredible detail. People reports:

Leno joked with Gibson about his dating a younger woman. “What, is she 17, 18?” Leno asked. Gibson replied that Oksana Grigorieva was almost 40 and “now I am going to have two women mad at me!” Leno then said, “The rumor I have heard is that you guys are going to have a child?” Gibson then confirmed, “This is true. We’re gonna have a child.”

See? You don’t get more fuller or franker than “We’re gonna have a child,” do you? Still, maybe Mel Gibson is waiting to explain the pregnancy in one of the ways he’s most comfortable with – either by making a four-hour gore-porn movie about it where everyone speaks in Chicomuceltec, or by incoherently screaming it at a policeman who’s just arrested him for drink-driving.

We’d prefer the latter, by the way.

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Is Russia a third world country? Perhaps – but lets review the indicators before we rush to judgment.

The first is that we’ve recently seen three television ads suggesting we send only 75¢ a day to what looks like a science-farm full of little bald Gorbachev clones. This doesn’t sound like much until you know an apparently overweight Sally Struthers was their spokesperson, and the children had flies crawling across their head-spots.

A second indicator to consider could be that their non-cloned population growth is so high they’ve begun to outsource for sperm donors.

Mel Gibson, apparently, was quick to oblige.

Mel Gibson’s longtime wife filed for divorce on April 13. At first everyone probably thought it was because she’d converted to Judaism and Gibson just couldn’t stomach the way she kept working the word dradle into all their conversations. He was probably like:

Seriously – how do you get from the rich moving plot points and the spot-on cinematography of Apocalypto to dradles again? She better not disrespect Mad Max like that.

Recently, however, a new cause for the Gibson-divvy has emerged – a cause far less racist. You see, Gibson’s new Russian girlfriend is currently growing 18 years of child support deep in the caverns of her belly. As TMZ puts it:

“We’ve learned Mel Gibson’s girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva, is pregnant with his child. Our sources say Gibson has already told his estranged wife, Robyn, and their children about the news. We’re told Oksana is in her second trimester.”

What’s that? Second trimester? And his wife only filed for divorce on April 13? Now we’re not mathematicians – but it’s beginning to look like Gibson had been sewing his royal oats a little before society’s current decrepit moral code allows. In fact – an Internet fetus-calculator just confirmed it. Gibson was getting busy on Russian girls (or girl) prior to the filing.

It’s his wife’s fault though, if you think about it. If she’d kept her ovaries lush and fertile the way he’d always told her she needed to then maybe he wouldn’t have had to drop sperm elsewhere. Now let that be a lesson to all of Mel’s future wives – keep those ovums young and springy.

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This divorce must be tricky for Mel Gibson. He just hasn’t got any new responses left. Quiet introspection? He’s done that.

Dangerous binge-drinking? He’s done that too. Cringeworthy mid-life crisis? Come on, this is Mel Gibson we’re talking about – his entire adult life has been one long embarrassing mid-life crisis. So that basically leaves Mel Gibson with two options – he can either step out with a new woman to prove that he’s moved on, or he can grow his mullet back.

So Mel Gibson has done the first one. Which is clearly the wrong choice. We bloody loved that mullet.

Mel Gibson is a lot cleverer than many people give him credit for, which is probably a good thing since personally we only credit him with being as clever as a monkey or, at a push, an alarmingly sentient bar of soap. But we’re going off-topic here.

We were talking about Mel Gibson’s intelligence. He’s always one step ahead. For instance, when Mel Gibson made The Passion Of The Christ, he did so knowing that endlessly long films about sad Jesus getting his head kicked in where everyone talks in a language that nobody even speaks any more would be the next big thing. And when Mel Gibson decided to interpret “you have the right to silence” as “you have the right to go on a berserk drunken anti-Semetic rant“ when he got arrested that time, he did so knowing that it gave him the perfect opportunity to take a career break and focus on his hobbies of locking himself indoors and crying for two years.

And when Mel Gibson signed pretty Russian singer Oksana Grigorieva to his music label, he did so knowing that he’d probably get divorced quite soon and that it’s easier to sleep with girls when they’re under some form of contractual obligation to you.

Because, finally, Mel Gibson’s relationship with Oksana Grigorieva is out in the open. And because of this, he’s decided to take her out somewhere nice. Provided that your definition of ‘nice’ is also your definition of ‘a free screening of a film that everyone’s already downloaded anyway’. People reports:

A smiling Mel Gibson made a rare public appearance with his girlfriend Tuesday night at the L.A. industry screening for Wolverine. “Mel has been single for almost three years and it’s nice to see him getting out and enjoying himself,” his rep tells PEOPLE. The actor, 53, dressed in a black suit with a dark gray shirt, stepped out with Oksana Grigorieva, a 39-year-old Russian signer signed to the his record label, Icon Records.

So well done to Mel Gibson and all, but it’s important that you don’t confuse Oksana Grigorieva with Oksana Kolesnikova, the woman who Mel Gibson was mistakenly linked to a fortnight ago. Honestly, people called Oksana are like buses, aren’t they? Not because you go your whole life without meeting one and then two come along at once, but because they’re metallic, rectangular and you’re not allowed inside one unless you’ve got the correct change.

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The Mel Gibson divorce continues to shock – who knew people couldn’t love alcoholic bigots with terrible beards?

But whatever. Now we know that Mel Gibson’s wife Robyn has had it with his twinkly smile and tequila-breathed Jewish ranting, it’s time to work out why the divorce is happening. Is it because of Mel Gibson’s rumoured canoodlings with Russian pianist Oksana Kolesnikova?

Apparently not. Oksana’s reps have denied the affair, presumably on the basis that Mel Gibson is old enough to be her chuffing grandfather and there’s a good chance that his elderly penis would splinter off inside her during intercourse.

So Mel Gibson is getting divorced. We’ll admit that the news came as a shock to us, as it would to anyone apart from Mel Gibson, his estranged wife or anybody who’s ever met Mel Gibson and had to put up with a second of his idiotic midget egomania.

So far, two main things have come from Mel Gibson’s divorce. The first is the sheer size of the potential settlement. It’s been claimed that Mel Gibson might lose anything up to a quarter of a billion dollars in the divorce, reducing the scale of his planned directorial sequels to a film about the time that Jesus got a bit of a splinter off a fencepost and a hard-hitting dramatisation of the moment that the ancient Mayans saw a pig fall over and thought it was quite funny.

The second consequence of Mel Gibson’s divorce is that everyone is now scrambling around trying to root out the cause of the split. Mel’s wife Robyn cited ‘irreconcilable differences’ in the divorce proceedings, which could either mean that a) she’s fed up with all his boozy anti-Semitism, b) it just took her 30 years longer than usual to realise that Mel Gibson was a relentless twatdabble or c) Mel Gibson was dicking another woman.

If it’s the latter – and nobody can really say for sure if it is or not – then the prime suspect would be Russian pianist Oksana Kolesnikova, who has previously been photographed ‘canoodling’ with Mel Gibson on a movie set in Boston and ‘frollicking’ with him in Costa Rica. But, as The Boston Herald reports, Oksana’s not having any of it:

“Sorry to hear about Mel Gibson’s divorce,” a publicist told TMZ.com. “Somehow Oksana is being linked to Mr. Gibson, but there are no emotional ties between the two that I am aware of. Oksana has in the past entertained Mr. Gibson with her piano music as he dined at the Polo Lounge at the Beverly Hills Hotel. “Yes, I definitely welcome the opportunity to set the record straight, our Oksana is not romantically involved with Mr. Gibson,” said the unnamed publicist.

We guess that only time will tell if the rumours are true. It shouldn’t take long to discover – if Oksana Kolesnikova really is sleeping with Mel Gibson, the only proof anyone would need would be a photograph of her leaving Mel Gibson’s home while scrubbing at herself furiously with detergent-soaked wire wool.

Well, it’s what we’d do in the same circumstance, anyway.

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Mel Gibson, the Catholic second son of a large Catholic family, has been served divorce papers by his wife, Robyn. Christmas dinner’ll be fun this year.

We’re sure that Robyn Gibson has a very successful and fulfilling career of her own. Sadly, neither we nor you know what it is (we have a horrible suspicion that that is unless you have recently had cause to redecorate an expensive Los Angeles house and wished to know how this affected your feng shui). Anyway, she has served divorce papers on one Mel “Lethal Weapon” Gibson.

Oh yeah, now you’re interested.

We predicted years ago that Mel Gibson, out of all the 80s/90s action movie stars, would be the one to go on to become a drunken misogynistic anti-Semite. If only we’d put some money on it, we’d be rich. Mind you, we’d have taken a hit on our other bets: we also reckoned that Arnold Schwarzenegger’s ridiculous lower jaw muscles would eventually go into tetanus and he’d starve to death, and that by 2003 all the bits of Spam from which Sylvester Stallone’s face is whittled would disintegrate or be eaten by dogs. Swings and roundabouts.

No, Mel the Mullet it was. We feel sure that an upbringing in Australia is not the best way to instill a respect for other religions and the fairer sex (i.e. Jews and birds) into an impressionable male youth, but surely that can’t be the whole reason for Mel’s famous tragicomic response to being stopped for what the lawyers call ‘driving while drunk as a Russian submariner on shore leave in St Vodkaburg’. For your continued delight, here is what Mel had to say to the police:

“I’m not going to get in your car…You motherfucker. I’m going to fuck you…Fucking Jews…The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world. Are you a Jew?…What do you think you’re looking at, Sugartits?”

Hahaha! ‘Fucking Jews’, gets us every time. Oh Mel, you hilarious wisecracking drunk.

Maybe sick of his constant anti-Jew/-ladies-with-sugartits rants, or perhaps tired of hearing about ‘this one time when Danny Glover totally cracked up while we were filming this like really serious scene!’, Mel’s wife (unconfirmed feng shui expert Robyn Gibson) has thrown a great big divorce bomb at him.

Not only that, but a so-there  response filed by the Antipodean midget has revealed that Gibson and Gibson actually separated three years ago, around the time of the whole alcohol/driving/Jew thing. People reports:

Last Thursday – the day before Good Friday – Robyn Gibson, 53, his wife of 28 years, signed divorce papers, seeking joint custody over their minor child, Thomas, 9, and spousal support…According to a response that [Mel] Gibson’s lawyer filed Monday afternoon, the couple have been officially separated since August 26, 2006

Unconfirmed reports suggest that Mrs Gibson’s cited reasons for divorce include ‘irreconcilable differences in finding it funny to paint one’s arse blue and shake it around at dinner parties’.

We were unable to contact her lawyer, Mordechai Sweetnips, for comment.

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But now Tom Hanks and Mel Gibson have emerged as figureheads on opposing sides of a dispute over whether actors should go on strike because there aren’t enough fame-blinded young nymphomaniacs who’ll indulge their every fleeting sexual whim or whatever.

Mel Gibson is for the strike, Tom Hanks is against it. Sadly Mel Gibson will win, because the dispute will be settled by charging at each other across a field. Poor Tom Hanks – if only it involved growing a crap mullet and ranting about Jesus.

Our favourite part of this year, hands down, was the writers’ strike. It was brilliant – fed up with not being paid enough royalties for material shown on the internet, film and television writers all put their tools down and deliberately crippled the industry.

Except what actually happened in the writers’ strike was this a) the Golden Globes got cancelled, b) Lost got to make a shorter-than-usual season that wasn’t full of guffy episodes about nothing and c) 24 was forced to take a year off, allowing its producers to think of a way to make it less embarrassingly rubbish. In short, only brilliant things came from the writers’ strike.

And that’s why the actors have decided to have a go too – the Screen Actors Guild has long been brewing over whether or not to go on strike for similar reasons to the actors and, despite George Clooney’s efforts, ballots will be sent out to members first thing next year.

Imagine what’ll happen if the actors do go on strike – not only will your favourite shows get screwed for another season, but actors will have to spend most of their time sitting around not doing any real work. We genuinely can’t imagine what that’d be like.

But some actors don’t want to go on strike. They’re claiming, quite sensibly, that another strike-crippled winter wouldn’t be fair on all the piecemeal crew members forced out of work and that, with a global recession looming ever closer, the last thing that the public wants to see is a load of manicured moviestars stamping their feet because they only got $18 million for pretending to be a hard-bitten policeman who doesn’t follow the rules instead of $19 million.

And that’s why these actors have taken a stand and, um, written a strongly-worded letter. The New York Times reports:

“We support our union and we support the issues we’re fighting for, but we do not believe in all good conscience that now is the time to be putting people out of work.” Beneath that was what might have been the cast list for a tentpole blockbuster: George Clooney, Glenn Close, Cameron Diaz, Charlize Theron, Matt Damon, Morgan Freeman and Tom Hanks.

That’s quite a list of names – who’d be stupid enough to argue with nice guys like George Clooney and Tom Hanks, powerful girls like Glenn Close and Charlize Theron, the actual voice of God in Morgan Freeman and Matt Damon, a man who once made a comedy about some cojoined twins?

Actually, Mel Gibson would. And so would Sandra Oh. And Holly Hunter. And Jerry O’Connell. And this disagreement has driven a wedge through the middle of Hollywood, a community which usually prefers to publicly rub its own tummy until it gets a hardon.

What happens next remains to be seen, but there is one obvious solution staring everyone in the face here – let Mel Gibson and Sandra Oh and Holly Hunter and Jerry O’Connell go on strike and everyone else doesn’t have to.

That way the striking actors get to make the point they so firmly believe in, and we get to go a few months without having to watch Grey’s Anatomy, Saving Grace, any new Mel Gibson films at all or Kangaroo Jack 2: Jack Bounces Back. Everyone’s happy.

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And that’s that he definitely knows when he’s too old for something. Like Lethal Weapon 5, for example. There had been talk that a Lethal Weapon 5 script was written and ready to go, and that everything hinged on Mel Gibson’s approval but, according to director Richard Donner, Mel Gibson wants nothing to do with it.

So that’s that – there absolutely isn’t going to be a Lethal Weapon 5. We can therefore rule Mel Gibson out of making any belated sequels to his movies from now on. Unless he got our script for What Women Want 2, that is. We think it’d be right up Mel Gibson’s alley because, in this one, the thing that women want is the extermination of the Jews.

It’s easy to be hard on Mel Gibson, for his alcoholism and his crazy views about Jewish people and the way that all his films are basically gory splatterfests that people only go and see because they’re about Jesus. But you have to admit that Mel Gibson won’t do anything for money.

Given that every action movie you loved as a youngster – and some that you didn’t love at all – has made a comeback in some form or another, attention has naturally been turning to Mel Gibson lately. He’s just got so many movies that deserve a belated sequel that one has to be made at some point – face it, you’d go and watch Mad Max 4: Beyond The Thunderdome Left At The Lights And Just Past B&Q or The Man Without A Face 2: The Man Without An Arse.

But the real hot prospect was seeing Mel Gibson star in Lethal Weapon 5. Everything was lined up – Lethal Weapon writer Shane Black had written the script and was all set to direct it. All that was needed was for Mel Gibson to give the nod and Lethal Weapon 5 would be rushed into production at the speed of light.

But it’s not to be. According to Richard Donner – the director of Lethal Weapon 1 – 4 and a man who obviously isn’t bitter at all not to be asked back – Mel Gibson isn’t having anything to do with it. The LA Times reports:

“Mel turned it down,” Donner said. “I would like to think that Mel turned it down because I wasn’t involved. Knowing Mel, I would like to think that. Would that be the kind of thing he does? It sure would be.”

In a way it’s sad that there’ll be no Lethal Weapon 5. Not because we hold any particular interest in it, but because we’re fascinated to see what it’s like. After all, Lethal Weapon was good, Lethal Weapon 2 was bad, Lethal Weapon 3 was really bad and Lethal Weapon 4 was awful. If that pattern holds then people would have had to think up a new word to describe exactly how bad Lethal Weapon 5 is.

But perhaps Mel Gibson wasn’t swayed by Richard Donner’s lack of participation in Lethal Weapon 5. Perhaps the fact that Shane Black had written in some younger characters to do all the legwork in the movie offended Mel Gibson’s sense of vitality.

Or perhaps it was the fact that Lethal Weapon-style movies just aren’t Mel Gibson’s cup of tea any more. Would Mel have given the go-ahead if Lethal Weapon 5 was about him and Danny Glover graphically torturing Joe Pesci’s eyes out in slow motion while speaking in a made-up language? Almost certainly yes.

Except Hollywood is. So much so that Joel Silver is currently trying to persuade Mel Gibson to make Lethal Weapon 5. Apparently Shane Black has had an idea for Lethal Weapon 5 that’s so amazing it’ll make Lethal Weapon 2 look like Lethal Weapon 4, and the whole thing rests on whether or not Mel Gibson wants to sign on the dotted line again.

Whatever you think of the idea, we’re actually praying that Lethal Weapon 5 does get made. After all, it’s been so long since we’ve been able to sit in the dark screaming “YOU WERE TOO OLD FOR THIS OVER TWO DECADES AGO, YOU HOPELESS GREYING TOSSWEASEL! HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT JUST STOPPING? WELL, HAVE YOU?” at a projected image on a screen.

Bruce, Sly, Harrison and now possibly Arnie. That adds up to elderly revisits of Die Hard, Rocky, Rambo, Indiana Jones and Predator. That’s enough, surely.

Ah, we’re just kidding. That’s never enough. In fact, we’ve vowed not to stop until Steven Seagal decides to make our new script for Under Siege 3: What Are Terrorists Doing Hijacking A Stairlift? And Come To Think Of It, Why Does A Stairlift Require An Ex-Navy SEAL Professional Chef Anyway? but that’s for another time.

While we wait for that to happen, though, at least we’ll have Lethal Weapon 5 to look forward to. According to reports, genuine worst film ever Lethal Weapon 4 left so many questions unanswered – like ‘Why doesn’t any of this make sense?’ and ‘Has this film actually made blood come out of my eyes?’ – that Lethal Weapon 5 is now a distinct possibility. And that prospect is getting closer and closer, as Chud reports:

Joel Silver is trying to get Mel Gibson to sign onto the story idea penned by [Shane] Black, which would bring two fresh NYPD officers into the narrative fold. The idea is for Black to direct as well, taking up where Richard Donner failed left off.

Well, OK, if Shane Black is writing and directing Lethal Weapon 5 then actually it might turn out OK. After all, he was responsible for the Lethal Weapon characters in the first place, plus Kiss Kiss Bang Bang proved that he could direct – albeit with a weird insistence to stop every 30 seconds to let Robert Downey Jr burble on about nothing – so actually, we can’t think of a single thing that could stop Lethal Weapon 5 being brilli… oh wait, no. Mel Gibson.

Remember Mel Gibson? He was that man who used to be an actor before he decided to go into drunken Anti-Semitism full-time. Apparently Mel Gibson is the only one dragging his heels over Lethal Weapon 5 at the moment. Whether this is because he primarily sees himself as a director now, or whether he’s just weary about growing the mullet back remains to be seen.

But if Shane Black and Joel Silver really do want Mel Gibson to appear in Lethal Weapon 5, they’re probably going to have to concede some creative power to him. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

We don’t know about you, but actually we’d love to see a blood-porn Lethal Weapon movie conducted entirely in a dead language that ends with Mel Gibson and Danny Glover running down a hill slashing their swords at a terrified army of cartoon Jews. Who wouldn’t?

Just as we say, non-stop, that Hollywood has run out of ideas – reporting on the Goonies sequel, The Smurfs movie (Lindsay Lohan’s role as ‘Big Lesbian Smurf’ still unconfirmed) and the fear we all felt when the Friends movie was rumoured – they come and do it again. This time it’s the turn of Lethal Weapon 5, where they really, really will be too old for this shizzle.

Or they might be too drunk, who knows?

The rumours of a fourth film in the trilogy became a reality in 1998, with the imaginatively titled Lethal Weapon 4 showing most of us Jet Li for the first time – that bit where he dismantles the gun and the bit where he does a ridiculous kick over his head are easily the best ones.

Unlike these days when everything he makes involves him flying through trees with a bamboo cane up his arse for eight hours while the most basic of stories is made out to be the most thought-provoking and intelligent social commentary in a post-modern society to date.

He was good in Lethal Weapon 4 though. One of the few good things about it, actually.

But that’s not going to stop the gravy train now, is it? Oh no – your memories have to be purged for old ideas and your pleasant nostalgia for a series has to be used against you in order to make Lethal Weapon 5 a box office hit. Or at least a box office ‘we made our money back on it’.

The writer of the original Lethal Weapon, Shane Black, has apparently written a script for a new adventure for Riggs and Murtaugh. In one of the most unsurprising plots of all time, the movie will see Riggs, about to quit the force, pull Murtaugh out of retirement to solve one last case. Probably involving Johnny Foreigner somewhere along the way.

There are no definites yet, but Mel Gibson and Danny Glover are apparently in talks to reprise their roles. No word on Chris Rock though, thankfully.

Please don’t let him be in it again – it would be one step too far.

But the questions have to be asked – do you really want to go and watch Danny Glover shout “Riiiiiiiiiggggggggsssssss!” thirty-two times per minute at Mel Gibson? And do you want to see Mel Gibson hate the je… oops… we mean, do you want to see him fix his arm after he’s dislocated it again? Or do you want to see Joe Pesci being even older and even more annoying than ever before?

And does anyone want to see Chris Rock acting, at all, ever?

If the answer is yes to any of those questions, then watch the first two, half watch the third then only pay attention when Jet Li is on the fourth. There you go – satisfaction guaranteed.

No word on any kind of release date, but it can’t be too far in the future. Too old for this shit, and all that.

*Not all of the time. Hush down.

No – Morgan Freeman is the latest to be involved in the so-called ‘curse’ of The Dark Knight, after he was involved in a car accident on Sunday night, which officials referred to as ’serious’.

The 71-year-old actor will require surgery on a shattered elbow, as well as time for other less serious injuries to his neck and shoulder to heal. While initial reports said Freeman was in a serious state, these have since rescinded and he is expected to make a comfortable, if slow, recovery from his injuries.

Morgan was travelling with an unnamed female companion when the crash occurred. Travelling eastbound on Highway 32, Tallahatchie Country, Mississippi, their car flipped several times before coming to rest. The name of the female passenger has not been released, but she is said to have suffered bruises as a result of the crash. The jaws of life were used to good effect and Freeman was airlifted around 90 miles for hospital treatment. He was upgraded from critical to serious condition, and more recent reports have left the actor with an even more positive prognosis.

Fortunately, both drugs and alcohol have been ruled out of the running for what caused the accident, meaning we don’t have to put up with another was-he wasn’t-he situation like young Shiny the Beef has had to contend with in recent weeks. Nor do we have to put up with possible insanity, like we did all those years back with Melvin. Obviously the wily old veteran that is Morgan Freeman would never be brash enough to take part in such an obviously stupid pursuit as driving under the influence.

Those young whippersnappers could learn a thing or three from God Himself.

But it would seem that the lord almighty can’t save himself from the ‘curse’ of The Dark Knight, which wild speculators (hello!) are claiming is the cause of Heath Ledger’s death and Christian Bale’s descent into alleged assault.

Now, let’s be honest here – Ledger’s death was a sad thing, unexpected and unwarranted. Bale’s case may have been his own fault, he may have been coaxed into it. Freeman’s crash is believed to have been as a result of falling asleep at the wheel, swerving and overcompensating. If this is a real curse then it’s a bit rubbish – none of your plagues on the family, eight arms on the first-born or evil gremlins turning up and wrecking your place up.

No, it’s an accidental overdose, some alleged shenanigans and an old man falling asleep at the wheel. These curse-makers really should go back to the drawing board and think up some new cursey goodness – or just stick with the classics. Doesn’t the bible have some good ones? Morgan Freeman should know about that, he is God after all.

Hecklerspray is sending you more get well beams through the internets, Morgan. Also some extra beams to help make sure the rubbish ‘curse’ doesn’t strike again. We have these kind of powers, you see.

Don’t go! We’re not messing around! If you go to Costa Rica this weekend, you’re in for a really terrible time. We’re not joking. Because joining you in Costa Rica will be notorious hell-raisers Britney Spears and Mel Gibson. And people – Britney Spears and Mel Gibson have gone to Costa Rica… together!

But one crumb of comfort should be taken in the fact that Britney Spears and Mel Gibson haven’t gone to Costa Rica for a romantic getaway. Because, seriously, if Britney’s berserk, bipolar, approval-starved genes got mixed up with Mel’s angry, alcoholic, racially-suspicious, hardline religious genes to create a new life, well, we’ll have found that life-long malevolent global oppressor we’ve been dreading.

With the Burmese cyclone and the Chinese earthquake, the last thing the planet needs now is for yet another natural disaster to decimate it. We’re not sure if Britney Spears and Mel Gibson going on holiday to Costa Rica together qualifies as a natural disaster, but we’re furiously ramming crates of tinned food into an aid package just in case.

Because it’s hard to think of two celebrities who’ve made more of a douchey impact on the world over the last few years than Britney Spears and Mel Gibson.

While Britney’s been suffering from a gradual tick tick tick of spiralling mental instability that’s run the gauntlet from professional failure through allegations of child abuse all the way to a stint in a psychiatric hospital, Mel destroyed his life in one moment of explosive drunken car-driving anti-Semetic sex-threatening sugartittery. Different methods, sure, but with mainly the same result.

And this shared love of buggering their own lives up almost beyond repair have meant that Britney Spears and Mel Gibson have struck up an unlikely friendship. Two months ago Britney and Mel were seen eating Russian food together, and now that’s been extended into a horrific-sounding Spears/Gibson family holiday in sunny Costa Rica. E! Online reports:

E! News has confirmed the singer joined Mel Gibson aboard a private jet this morning, bound for Costa Rica. The unlikely, but not unprecedented, duo was joined on their trip by Spears’ father, Jamie, and Gibson’s wife, Robyn. Though the exact nature of the trip is not yet known, it appears to be nothing more than a friendly weekend getaway, with a source telling E! News the group departed from Los Angeles with the intention of hanging out at Gibson’s Costa Rica property “for a couple days.”

Actually, it’s cruel of us to suggest that Britney and Mel’s weekend in Costa Rica will end up in a huge drunken mess. Mel Gibson has managed to get his career back on track since his little incident, and his propensity to help other troubled celebrities is admirable. Maybe a getaway with the Gibsons will help Britney Spears get right back on track.

So what will Britney Spears and Mel Gibson be doing in Costa Rica this weekend? Let’s see what Rough Guide has to say about the country:

San José’s nightlife is gratifyingly varied, with scores of friendly bars and live music venues. Be aware, though, that prostitution is legal in Costa Rica and, in San José, very mainstream. Sex tourism is on the rise, and you’ll find that many of the “bars” in downtown are, in reality, little more than pick-up joints for professional transactions.

Wuh-ohhhhhhh!

Read more:

Brit ‘n’ Mel Become Bon Voyage BFFs – E! Online

You know, a friendly dialogue over the falsities of society entangled throughout Anna Karenina, a little chat over motifs of enigmatic love and philosophies of death in War and Peace – it happens every day. No, really. Just ask Mel Gibson and Britney Spears. These two were all chummy-like over dinner at a Russian restaurant over the weekend that has a unique selection of Russian books on the premises.

You see, Mel Gibson is trying to help Britney Spears, so of course they got together for an evening of laughs and Russian literature. And everyone knows that it takes one sometimes embarrassingly drunken nutter to save another sometimes embarrassingly drunken nutter. 

We once had a bit of a crush on Mel Gibson during our formative years. There may have been a time when we carefully snipped his picture out of magazines and placed them on our bedroom wall in a decorative collage, but we’d never admit it. And to tell you the truth, we probably wouldn’t say no to those dreamy blue eyes today – drunken, racially-charged rants notwithstanding – if he wanted to save us from our own self-destructive behaviour and general state whacked-out insanity. So it’s no wonder Britney Spears has been spending time in the company of Mel Gibson, who reportedly wants to show support and guidance to Brit.  

Of course, nothing romantic between Mel Gibson and Britney Spears is going on. The mere thought of such an idea causes our brain to thrash itself against our skull until it settles into a protective coma-like state. Although, if a romantic connection was happening, we wouldn’t have to find any other topics to write about for weeks. That’s some blogging gold, right there.

But alas, Britney Jean Spears and Mel Columcille Gerard Gibson, who used to be neighbours, dined with family and guests at the Studio City restaurant Romanov in a platonic (i.e. boring) manner, for two hours. A source/sell-out random person who sold a cheese pretzel to one of them had this to say about the meeting: 

“Mel and his wife Robin clearly saw a woman in crisis and wanted to extend themselves in any way possible. There's just a handful of people in the world who understand the kind of intense attention that Britney goes through, and how to raise a family with some semblance of privacy and how to keep one's family intact and out of the limelight. There are no expectations, there is no agenda. It's simply an act of human kindness – one neighbor reaching out to the other." 

That’s sweet of the Gibsons, but two whole hours with Britney Spears? What on earth could Mel Gibson and Britney Spears ever talk about for two hours? Perhaps these two were meeting because: 

1) a Crossroads/Beyond Thunderdome project is in the works. Mel will step in as Tina Turner’s character while Britney takes on Master Blaster with whips made from locks of her shaven hair and her still intact womanly virtue.

2) they are gathering together for strength as the last two surviving people in Hollywood that haven’t converted to Scientology.

3) they’ve been possessed by aliens and are wearing Britney and Mel disguises and meet in secret to plot world domination. Or in other words, they’ve converted to Scientology.   

We're torn between the possible reasons, so we'll just go back to not caring at all. It's what we do best.    

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Britney's Surprise Dinner Companion: Mel Gibson - People

Mel Gibson has just been told by a judge that he no longer needs to attend courtroom progress reports for the probation he was given when he got drunk and drove around screaming bad things about the Jews that time.

However, just because he doesn't have to appear in court, Mel Gibson still has 18 months of probation left to battle through alone. Which means, although he's allowed to get drunk, we'll have to wait until the middle of 2009 before Mel Gibson can load up on booze, break the law and use the arrest as an excuse to howl Jewish insults into the sky like some sort of sugartit-fixated werewolf again without fear of jail. 

Mel Gibson might be getting sued by the man who wrote the Bible – or whatever – at the moment, but that won't keep him down for long. That's because Mel Gibson has just crossed another hurdle on his road to rehabilitation.

You'll remember that a couple of years ago Mel Gibson was arrested for DUI. No big deal there – even the most minor Hiltons are doing it these days – but what made Mel Gibson's arrest so special was his behaviour at the arrest. In no particular order, during his arrest Mel Gibson managed to say he owned all of Malibu, offer to 'fuck' the male arresting officer and invent the term 'Sugartits'. Oh, and claim that the Fucking Jews were responsible for every single conflict in the history of the world.

Mel's had a long road to walk getting back from that incident – Hollywood shunned him and not as many people went to see his gory little film about the Mayans as expected – but thanks to a round of relentless apologies and rehab, Mel Gibson is back where he once was again, as his recent filmography of zero movies goes to show.

But just because it's easy to win forgiveness from Jodie Foster and the like, it doesn't mean that Mel Gibson is legally in the clear yet. Although he's completed alcohol rehabilitation, attended court-enforced Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and been through a 90-day drink-driving course, Mel Gibson still has 18 months left of his probation. But the good news is that he doesn't have to keep going to court all the time, as Reuters reports:

Oscar-winning film star Mel Gibson, who made worldwide news by unleashing an anti-Semitic tirade during his 2006 arrest for drunk driving, received a judge's approval on Wednesday to serve the rest of his probation without appearing in court again. Superior Court Judge Lawrence Mira told the 52-year-old "Passion of the Christ" director that he had completed the requirements of his no-contest plea and was not required to make further progress reports to the court. "You're on your own now with the self-help groups, so this is the most difficult time for you," Mira told a subdued Gibson during a brief hearing in Los Angeles. "Good luck to you as you continue your rehabilitation."

That's a big step, and no mistake – and no doubt there'll be dark times to come – but for now Mel Gibson has every right to celebrate this milestone. And what better way to celebrate than by driving too fast around California, chugging from a bottle of tequila and loudly cursing the Jews for all the terrible things they've ever done? That's the tradition, we've heard.

Read more:

Judge tells actor Mel Gibson "You're on your own" - Reuters