hecklerspray is massively gay. We’re so queer it hurts. Even the straight ‘spreezies are super ‘mo. You don’t care about that. You want to know whether Kelly Clarkson is a lesbian, for whatever nefarious reasons you have.

So is she?

Well, she doesn’t give the ‘bian ‘bian vibe to us. Not one bit. She couldn’t possibly smell of sex with another woman. Not that this has stopped people speculating that she is. And Kel’ wants to tell us all about it.

So what makes people think Clarkson is a lavenderist? Well, it seems to revolve around two things:

1. She’s single.

2. She’s not thin. Sometimes.

And so, with that, she absolutely must be dining at the hooded buffet, right?

Well, the singer revealed:

“People are really concerned about my relationship status. When I tell people I’m happy being single, they don’t believe me. They say: “You have to be miserable being alone.”

Yes, but when you’re not being happily alone, are you fingering women?

“I’m not gay. If I was, I’d say ‘I love women!’ That’s why it drives me nuts. But I feel like even if I did say it, people would be like: ‘You’re just trying to do that to win the gay audience.’”

Poor Kelly Clarkson. She’ll have to carry on staring at pictures of disgusting male members online ’til this all blows over. Or she releases a decent record. Whatever comes first really.

Cock it is.

If it wasn’t for this year’s limp X-Factor judging panel lineup, then nobody would have a chuffing clue who Tulisa was. The nation are still mourning the loss of everyone’s number one toilet attendant batterer, Cheryl Cole. She had been doing a fine job at crying at any opportunity, but times are always-a-changing.

This year saw a shed load of changes that were designed to keep us frothing at the mouth until the excitement of X-factor blew our heads clean off our shoulders. Alongside Cheryl, Simon and Dannii had been told to sod off, leaving Louis Walsh left to remind viewers of where acts hailed from. Konnie Huq had been given the chop from the spin off show, despite being married to Charlie Brooker, who everyone is legally obliged to like.

We’re quite a way into the show now and we still don’t really know much about Tulisa. Granted, she’s in comedy act N-Dubz but that’s about it. In a vague attempt to make us all believe that Frankie Cocozza isn’t the only one having all the sex out of everyone on the programme, Tulisa was asked some probing questions herself. The response? Not exactly ghetto.

Because humans are a terrible meddling race, we crave every last bitter detail so we can vaguely feel like we’re on first name terms with the person we’re reading about. Who cares if the stuff we read isn’t completely true and might have a slight stench of exaggeration? It isn’t like these people are out to make money by selling stories to stupid publications who’ll buy them.

Usually, when celebrities say stuff, it’s guaranteed to be a vomit of audio diarrhoea which makes no sense to anyone. But in Tulisa’s case, her comments from a recent interview would have pleased a sub section of society. Only shame is that anti homophobic comments died out a while ago. Tulisa was asked:

“Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex??”

She responded with:

“When I was 11 I went to play with a girl and she snogged me. I ran home crying! It was quite strange.”

Clearly Tulisa hadn’t embraced today’s modern society where lesbians are very much a part of society. Some of them present sports shows on the TV, others drive automobiles so they can pick up their dry cleaning and in the most radical example, two women can also get married.

We’re not entirely sure who gets to play the man. After all, lesbians don’t possess a working penis and as you know, a relationship isn’t proper unless there’s a peen involved. That’s what God told us. That’s why men are needed to come along and fix things. Or remove spiders out the shower occasionally.

Katy Perry kissed a girl and liked it, Tulisa didn’t. Someone missed a trick.

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Denise Richards is a woman created by teenage boy’s minds. That’s exactly why Charlie Sheen shacked up with her. And of course, what with Richards being the world’s greatest wit, she has a lot to say about her appearance.

Basically, she’d like to make the arrested developed among you excited by talking about her boobies and the fact she was a lesbian briefly.

Next, she’ll be talking about how much she likes playing video games and having sex with jobless layabouts with bad acne who live off 10p crisps.

A while back, Denise Richards wanted new boobs. So she packed herself off to the surgeon and guess what?! He went and gave her even bigger boobs! How astonishing!

She says:

“I was getting ready to film ‘Wild Things,’ and I didn’t want to get into a lawsuit with some plastic surgeon. It wasn’t right what the doctor did, but it is what it is.”

And so, she went and got a third boob job to sort them out. This was all a harrowing experience right? WRONG! That’s because she took her newer breasticles and wapped ‘em out in Playboy. Apart from the money and clearly being incredibly needy of attention, why would she do such a thing?

“I wanted to encourage women that it’s OK to embrace your sexuality even though you’re a mom. At the same time, I was having some problems in my marriage [to Charlie Sheen] and I didn’t feel sexy and felt I had to prove something.”

So remember kids: If you’re feeling unsexy, the best course of action is to flash everyone, okay? Good. Even if it is spurred on by being rejected by that dead-eyed bloke from Hot Shots. But no matter, because you can always have a lesbian affair with a famous woman.

“I’m going to name everyone in Hollywood! You would know who she is.”

“I just met her through friends and work and stuff… I was just curious. We were curious. We wanted to see… she was a girly-girl. She’s beautiful. She was more the aggressor.”

If you stick your head out of the window, close your eyes and listen very carefully, you’ll hear the sound of hundred of young men thudding to their knees in their sticky bedrooms.

You’re welcome.

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You know that Taylor Momsen, that teenage girl who acts seems to spend most of her life acting like a bit of a slag, wearing too much eye makeup and singing in that band that you still haven’t heard of? Well she’s been up to her old tricks again.

The Pretty Reckless singer, who used to be some sort of television star had previously gotten her underage baps out at a gig, gave a rather steamy lapdance to a female fan at a gig in Barcelona and even allowed another fan to give her chesticles a good ol’ fashioned grope.

ROCK N’ ROLL!

It’s probably worth pointing out that Momsen is still only 17. So don’t try looking for a video of the alleged incident, unless you want to find yourself on the sex offender’s register.

Taylor has managed to pack a lot in to her brief period of teenage rebellion; As we previously stated, she bared her breasts during a live show, cremated her dog’s testicles, accused her parents of ruining her life before making a U-turn that would make a politician blush and now she’s started engaging in sexual activity with her own fans.

We can’t help but wonder where all this is heading though. We can only assume that the second Momsen turns 18 she’s going to host an orgy the likes of which even Charlie Sheen wouldn’t be able to comprehend.

One thing’s for sure though, Taylor’s latest lewd incident isn’t going to hurt ticket sales for The Pretty Reckless’ current European Tour, which is where the Barcelona Boob Grope took place. In fact, you probably stopped reading this ages ago so you could check the dates for the tour, didn’t you?

After all, who cares about the feelings of a young girl who’s grown up way too fast and is obviously crying out for some sort of help when she can be used as both a cash cow AND jailbait wank bank material!?

You make us sick.

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Here at hecklerspray, we know a good pie when we see one and our love of their consumption is legendary the world over. However, our combined level of the consumption of the humble steak and kidney can be rapidly outstripped by human food vacuum Cee Lo Green.

You might remember Cee Lo from that piss awful ‘Forget You’ number that was redone from being ‘F**k You’ in order to get more radio play and completely destroying what little artistic credibility he had based on his time as part of Gnarls Barkley. More recently, you might have heard that he’s not a big fan of the gays.

The famed cake enthusiast has explained his recent comments to music critic Andrea Swensson that were perceived as being homophobic. The rotund Elton John tribute act sent a Twitter message to Swensson on Friday, in response to a negative review of his recent Minneapolis performance, questioning whether she had been offended by his masculinity due to her sexuality. She’s a lesbian you see which means that she’s bound to be terrified of things with penises.

Green has now defended his comments, and insisted that he had simply been trying to have a joke after spending three hours ploughing through pork scratchings in an effort to disguise the pain of a negative review. Let us remember that this is the man who constantly inflicts Gwyneth Paltrow upon the live music scene. If anyone deserves a bad review- it’s Cee Lo Green.

Green says, wiping away Twinkies from his face:

“I was being a little outspoken that night, a little outrageous”

“I always expect people to assume that everything I do is part of my character and my sense of humour. I assumed that whoever it was would assume it was all in good fun. It wasn’t taken so well, apparently.”

Of course, Cee Lo’s comments were all in good fun. Jim Davidson was said to have been creasing himself with laughter. Unfortunately, it was taken as being offensive by his target. How anyone could take an overtly homophobic comment as having homophobic overtones completely escapes us.

While admitting that sending the message had been a mistake, Green asserted that he is in no way homophobic and prides himself on being one of the most liberal artists in the music business by constantly dressing like Rod Hull’s former puppet companion Emu.

“I certainly am not harbouring any sort of negative feeling towards the gay community”

If I could take it all back, I would. I was not being serious. I just wanted to defend our performance”

Unfortunately, what is said cannot be unsaid and he can only spend the rest of his life backtracking through his Narnia-like wardrobe until eventually people forget that he’s a homophobe by completely forgetting that he ever existed in the first place. Cee Lo Green. A dull, compromised footnote in the tome of popular music.

Green is currently appearing as a vocal coach on NBC talent contest The Voice which must be a truly awful experience for the American viewing public.

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Who the hell would want to be a model? Seriously it’s the most over glamorised profession in the world. Not only are the people behind the scenes total divs, as Channel 4’s documentary The Model Agency shows, but the people paid to waltz along the catwalk in clothes nobody will ever buy are modelled by folk that could easily work in a fast food restaurant.

Well that isn’t exactly true, some models do become household names like Kate Moss and Naomi Campbell.

One of the younger stars of the modelling world is Daisy Lowe. She’s currently going out with geeky looking Matt Smith, aka the bloke who goes back in time in Dr. Who(GivesAShit). She’s also escaped the clutches of hipster musician Mark Ronson, so she can look after herself.

Like every other person in the modelling world, she walks, stops and strikes a pose like she’s sucking on a lemon stuffed with extra strong mints. Nothing exciting you’d say, but in vaguely riveting news, she’s expressed an interest in fancying women!

Okay you perverts, close your eyes and get some man sized tissues at the ready, we’re about to write something that’ll be more erotic than when you watch Babestation and try to work out what filth their muttering down the line.

Daisy Lowe has told a deep and personal secret to GQ magazine that she will now get people tugging furiously away in some sort of sordid fantasy.

Daisy Lowe told GQ that her lust for the same sex started when she visited the Coachella music festival last year. Did the heat of the Californian send her in a frenzy and towards her own female kind? No, she ended up bumping in to fellow airhead model Kelly Brook who is also quite an attractive lady and yet another person who doesn’t respond to our letters.

Don’t worry filth fans, there were no awkward fumbles in the toilets, instead Daisy Lowe just generally thought the same as most men. Asked by GQ what she thought of Kelly Brook, the response was “such a hotty” and, asked if she liked women, said “yes, I think women are really hot.”

If this gets your penis excited, then don’t ever look at Page 3 of some newspapers. Fear not porn lovers, here comes the orgasmic quote as reported by thisislondon.co.uk:

“I am, pretty much, a mild lesbian.”

Ooo are you quivering in excitement like us? We do hope so. If Daisy Lowes a mild lesbian, we assume she’s gone past the “basic and light lesbian stages” which pretty much involve giving her fellow species a cuddle and air kiss. But what about this mystical mild stage? What is it classed as? A kiss on the lips? Or a stroke on the botty? Or does it just involve drinking pints of mild and thinking about naked ladies (in which case, there’s probably a few OAPs who qualify as ‘mild lesbians).

Somebody tell us!

If you are a boy and reading this and want to experience softcore lesbian action, go visit the outside world where girls kissing is an insultingly common site.

Okay? Good.

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Katy Perry? We just don’t know what all the fuss is about. We have been kissing girls for years and liking it. It’s not exactly earth-shattering news, is it?

Maybe the title could have been: ‘I saw a bear, and it took a dump in the woods’ or even ‘I saw the Pope, and he was a Catholic’. Of course, we are being facetious. Katy Perry annoyingly knew exactly what she was doing.

And we fell for it hook, line and sinker. But how could the thought of an attractive girl getting it on with another girl cause such a swirl of attention?
You see pissed girls in clubs and bars smooching all the time, just for a laugh. And it’s not as if red-blooded men get any kind of pleasure from seeing that, do we?

OK, of course we do. But why? Why does the sight of seeing two sexy girls having a smooch drive men – and a lot of women – nuts? Not convinced? Well, put it this way, when we were compiling our ‘sexiest ever movie moments’ list the other day, we did a straw poll in the office. Seemed only fair. Hecklerspray is a democracy after all – sort of.

Anyway, what became incredible apparent was the number of movie clips nominated that revolved around two women getting it on. This could either mean we are all a bunch of lesbians, or that is purely a normal thing to get turned on by. Not that we’d would ever describe our writers as normal, mind you.

With that in mind, we thought it would be fun and a great waste of an afternoon to compile a list of our favourites. Oh, and before you start moaning, of course a lot of them are not real lesbian clinches and are just publicity stunts and movie scenes.

Come to think of it, they all are one or the other. In fact, some do not even touch lips. But who cares? They provided us with a little bit of titillation. Enjoy!

22. Neve Campbell and Denise Richards

From: Wild Things

21. Halle Berry and Britney Spears

From: Saturday Night Live

20. Jessica Biel and Sarah Silverman

From: MTV awards

19. Penelope Cruz and Charlize Theron

From: Head in The Clouds

18. Calista Flockhart and Lucy Lui

From: Ally McBeal

17. Chloe Sevigny and Michelle Williams

From: If These Walls Could Talk 2

16. Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston

From: Dirt

15. Britney Spears and Madonna

From: MTV Awards

14. A very young Anna Friel and Nicola Stephenson

From: Brookside

13. Tatu

From: All the Things She Said

12. Helen Shaver and Patricia Charbonneau

From: Desert Hearts

11. Susan Sarandon and Catherine Deneuve

From: The Hunger

10. Maria de Medeiros and Uma Thurman

From: Henry and June

9. Joan Chen and Anne Heche

From: Wild Side

8. Terry Farrell (Jadzia Dax) and Susannah Thompson Lenara

From: Deep Space Nine

7. Kristin Scott Thomas and Emanuelle Seigner

From: Bitter Moon

6. Angelina Jolie and Elizabeth Mitchell

From: Gia

5. Nikki Reed and Rachel Evan Wood

From: Thirteen

4. Salma Hayek and Ashley Judd

Film: Frida

3. Sarah Michelle Gellar & Selma Blair

From: Cruel Intentions

2. Gina Gershon and Jennifer Tilly

From: Bound

1. Naomi Watts and Laura Harring

From: Mulholland Drive

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It’s taken a while, but now Lindsay Lohan has finally decided to open up about all that stuff we already knew about her anyway.

For the very first time, Lindsay Lohan has confessed to a magazine that she’s probably bisexual. She won’t fully commit to it for sure, just in case Samantha Ronson does turn out to be a man after all. Lindsay has, however, claimed that she doesn’t know if she wants to get married to a man or a woman yet.

Of course, Lindsay Lohan’s sexual persuasion is her business and hers alone. If Lindsay Lohan wants to fall in love with a boy, that’s fine. If Lindsay Lohan wants to fall in love with a girl, that’s fine too. Frankly either one would be a step up from the barely functioning patchy-headed half-goat half-chimp hybrid abomination that was Calum Best, so really Lindsay Lohan wins either way.

Lindsay Lohan’s sexuality has always been her fortune, whether she’s using it to pose naked for magazines, star in movies about amnesiac strippers or stumble around European islands wedging her tongue into whatever human orifice happens to be closest to her at any given moment in time.

And that’s why Samantha Ronson has been such a source of fascination. She’s close enough to Lindsay Lohan for Lindsay to call her ‘my girlfriend’ during fights and, through a mixture of rumours and wilful father-enraging, she seems to have all but confirmed a romance between the pair of them.

But Lindsay Lohan has always stayed silent on the matter, possibly because she was scared about alienating the single remaining male fan who doesn’t feel slightly queasy when he thinks of Lindsay Lohan rasping cack-breathed come-ons directly into his face. However, that changes now.

In the new issue of Harper’s Bazaar, Lindsay Lohan has finally decided to open up about her sexual preferences, while claiming that Samantha Ronson has helped turn her life around. People reports:

“She’s a wonderful person and I love her very much,” said Lohan. When asked by Harper’s Bazaar if she is bisexual, Lohan responded: “Maybe. Yeah.” And will Lohan hear wedding bells in the future? “Eventually,” she said. But whether that will be with a man or a woman, “I don’t know.”

We don’t know about you, but regardless of Lindsay Lohan’s sexuality it’s so refreshing to read an interview where she can confidently assert that her troubles are all behind her and that she’s moving onwards and upwards with her life. We don’t think she’s ever done that before.

Well, apart from this time, that is. And this time. And this time, obviously. Oh, and this time. Actually, you can pretty much just go ahead and ignore that last paragraph entirely if you want.

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Every TV show has its weakness – for 24 it’s believability, for Heroes it’s how rubbish it is and for Grey’s Anatomy it’s homosexuality.

Having just clawed its way out of the last gayness-related snafu it managed to stagger into, Grey’s Anatomy has inexplicably managed to slam into another one by ditching a lesbian love plot midway through, firing one of the actresses involved and fixing the other one up so that she isn’t gay any more.

What is it with Grey’s Anatomy? It’s almost as if it wants all gay people to stop watching it. And if that happened it’d probably be the end of Grey’s Anatomy, because its remaining audience demographics – the elderly, the bed-bound, the narcoleptic and the stupid – don’t really play as well with advertisers.

Gayness is Grey’s Anatomy‘s Achilles heel. Everything that’s ever gone wrong with Grey’s Anatomy, at some level, has had a connection to homosexuality. Sure, a gay slur kicked off the Grey’s Anatomy actor fight of 2006, but that’s not the end of it.

Remember that the actor-fight was exacerbated by Grey’s Anatomy actor TR Knight coming out? And how it ended with Isaiah Washington doing pro-gay PSAs? And all that trouble about Katherine Heigl not appreciating the writing on Grey’s Anatomy?

(Actually, we should clear that last one up. We’re not suggesting that Katherine Heigl is gay, just that most of the time she seems like embittered gay man trapped inside a woman’s body. Again, Katherine Heigl seems like an embittered old gay man imprisoned inside a body that he can never love. Thanks.)

And, with an inevitability that borders of the illegal, Grey’s Anatomy has strayed back into the gaypit once more. This time, Grey’s Anatomy has earnt accusations of sexual insensitivity by abruptly killing off a lesbian storyline by de-gaying one of the characters and sending another off into the wilderness. E! Online reports:

Sources confirm that Brooke Smith, who plays Dr. Erica Hahn (a doctor who recently realized she is gay), has been axed from Grey’s Anatomy. I’m also told by insiders connected to the ABC series that some of the gay-themed storylines are being downplayed and even erased from upcoming scripts.

Now, we should point out that the Grey’s Anatomy executive producer has denied that anyone was fired for playing a lesbian or anything like that, and that it was down to a lack of ‘magic’ or something equally as woolly.

But, to the Grey’s Anatomy executive producer, we feel we should point out one thing in response – have you ever thought about trying to make the TV show Grey’s Anatomy as exciting as the behind the scenes headlines about Grey’s Anatomy? You really should, because this dreary old emotional crap you’re doing now really isn’t working out for us.

In what can only be described as another attempt to gain some publicity and prove she’s still relevant to society, Jodie Marsh has decided to become a lesbian. No, we don’t really care either.

But wait! The craziness of Jodie Marsh gets even, er… better. The woman shaved her lover’s initials into her scalp. Now the whole world knows how much of a loved-up dyke she is! But, really, is that the best you can do, Jodie? Sculpting the letters into her pubes would have caused us to maybe bat our eyelids for a few seconds at least.

But without a man around, who will open her jars of mustard or change her lightbulbs? No-one, that’s who. Girls can’t do those sorts of things. Nor can they get themselves pregnant. That’s why Jodie is calling upon all bloke/perverts to masturbate furiously into a baked bean tin and send the results to her in the post.

Don’t get us wrong, we love to help people when we can. Just the other day a woman asked us if we thought she looked fat in a dress. Not wanting to lie and be cast in eternal sin, we simply told the truth and said “Yes, it looks like you’ve nicked the curtains from someone’s front room. Best give them back before the owners notice and burglars see what they’ve got in their front room.” Oddly, this response didn’t go down too well. One slapped face later, we learnt a harsh lesson in life – there’s the ‘truth’ and then there’s the truth that all women want to believe.

So why has Jodie Marsh, the poor man’s Jordan, got all upset with men and decided to give lady-love a bash? It seems strange, as only a year ago she happily starred in a show for MTV called Jodie Marsh: Who’ll Take Her Up The Aisle? You probably won’t remember it – it was utter gash – but she used the show to audition men to marry her. A process that went disastrously wrong for her, because no sane people wanted to take up the offer. Just tramps and dirty old men in trench coats.

According to Digital Spy, her decision to become a rug-muncher isn’t down to her own wishful thinking. In typical fashion, it’s the fault of every man in the world. So, let us take this chance to apologise for every bloke on the planet – even for Danny Dyer – and say sorry. Jodie said to someone who probably didn’t care:

“I can see why women turn lesbian, because you get to the point where you’re sick of hearing so much f***ing bull***t, so you start to look elsewhere.”

So Jodie Marsh is a lesbian. But why she wants sperm sent to her remains unanswered. We assume she’ll be using a turkey baster to make some sort of hideous offspring, but we can’t be entirely sure. Maybe deep underground her Essex mansion she plans to create an army of creatures that will enslave all mankind.

You know that girl who Lindsay Lohan keeps traipsing around hand in hand with, the one widely regarded by everyone to be her girlfriend?

Well, guess what? She is Lindsay Lohan’s girlfriend. Sort of. We think. In a telephone interview with a radio station on Monday, Lindsay Lohan explained that she had been going out with Samantha Ronson “for a very long time” – the closest she’s ever come to publicly admitting a lesbian relationship.

Goodness. First Clay Aiken and now Lindsay Lohan. Today really seems to be the day for admitting long-kept secrets about your sexuality. And, thanks to this spirit of openness, we’ve decided that it’s our turn too – Mum, Dad, we only get aroused by watching pregnant midget lesbian poo porn. But only if one of the midgets is an amputee and the other one is dressed like Ringo Starr as the Pope from Lisztomania.

Too much?

Samantha Ronson has undoubtedly been good for Lindsay Lohan. Since they began their friendship several months ago, Lindsay Lohan’s life has turned around completely. We’ve seen no arrests, no hopeless stabs at rehab and – most importantly of all – our screaming night terrors over the thought of Lindsay Lohan putting her mouth over the end of Calum Best‘s penis have fallen by as much of 30%.

But it’s important to remember that Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan are just friends. Normal platonic friends just like you and your same-gender best friend. Sure, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson might spend every waking moment together hand in hand and occasionally indulge in the odd kiss and cuddle, but that’s what all same-gender friends do. All of them. And if they don’t, they’re definitely thinking about it.

However, some absurd fools have been recently suggesting that Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson might be a bit, you know, gay. Apparently Lindsay Lohan has been doing some unquestionably gay things lately, like wanting to marry Samantha Ronson and thinking about voting Democrat. But this was all just speculation, at least until Monday.

Because on Monday, Lindsay Lohan was talking to DJ Ted Stryker on the syndicated radio show Loveline when she all but admitted a lesbian relationship with Ronson. Here’s the juicy part of the conversation:

Stryker: “You guys, you and Samantha, have been going out for how long now? Like two years, one year, five months, two months?”

Lohan: “For a very long time.”

Now we know what you’re thinking. This is Lindsay Lohan we’re talking about, so perhaps we shouldn’t take this admission at face value. While it’s perfectly feasible to assume that Lindsay and Samantha are a lesbian couple, she may have also said this to deliberately provoke the media, or even just to send her dad into more of an apoplectic spaz-dribble.

But, what the hell, let’s just assume that Lindsay Lohan really is a lesbian. And good for her. This now means that she can move onto the next stage of her career, which involves crying about puppies on TV and gaining stalkers who are prepared to blow up airports just to catch her eye. And not a moment too soon, if you ask us.

As a terrifying sex cyborg sent back from the future to destroy mankind, Megan Fox knows exactly how much self-abuse she’s responsible for.

But even though she’s easily caused enough teenage ejaculations to power a rocket trip to the moon, Megan Fox knows that her work is still not done. And that’s why Megan Fox has told GQ magazine that she once had a sizzling lesbian relationship with a female stripper from Russia called Nikita.

We can’t congratulate Megan Fox enough for telling us this. Honestly, with the world’s financial markets in meltdown and the worst recession for a century looming over us all, Megan Fox implying that she might have once rubbed her clodge against a stripper’s clodge has single-handedly resuscitated the ailing tissue industry. Megan, we salute you.

Megan Fox scares the life out of us, you know. She’s just a little bit too perfect, almost as if teams of international scientists have spent decades gently calibrating her sexiness with microchips and industrial sanders.

Firstly there’s that name – Megan Fox is the kind of name you give yourself after deciding that Slapper McFannytits doesn’t quite get the message across with enough punch. Then there’s the way she looks – Megan Fox is the FHM world’s sexiest woman, a title she snatched from previous winners like Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson and 2002′s surprise winner, a greased-up block of ham in a bikini and a sexy wig.

But most of all, though, we’re convinced that Megan Fox is a robot because she only ever talks about sex. Ever. Literally ever. Her factory setting appears to be a constant monologue about her own naked body, and we hear that rather than get her to memorise actual lines, Michael Bay just cut and pasted all of Megan Fox’s Transformers dialogue from a three-hour discussion about how perky and soft her boobs are.

All of that isn’t enough for Megan Fox, though. Which is presumably why she’s gallivanting all over the place telling everyone that she’s a bit of a lesbian and she once had a thing for an east European lady stripper. Megan told GQ:

“She was sort of a tough badass, but she’d do these beautiful slow dances to Aerosmith ballads… I just think that all humans are born with the ability to be attracted to both sexes. I mean, I could see myself in a relationship with a girl—Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands.”

Wow, that is sexy. Usually when Megan Fox sees a sexy girl she tends to either want to snap a duck’s beak off with a clamp and a hammer or jump up and down on a binbag full of puppies, but strangling a mountain ox with her bare hands? That’s a brand new level of sexiness we didn’t even know existed.

Let’s hope that Megan Fox has now reached the outer limits of her sexy-talk now, though, because it’s going to be so hard for her to top a printed discussion about a lesbian infatuation with a female stripper. Well, unless that story about her having a greased-up 10-day orgy with the cast of Gossip Girl, three donkeys and midget dressed up as a clown on a yacht shaped like a labia moored off the coast of the Micronesian island of Tittyhooker gets out.

We just pray for the sake of mankind that it doesn’t.

There used to be a time when Lindsay Lohan only loved booze, drugs, sex, partial nudity and films about winking Volkswagens, but not any more.

Now it seems like Lindsay Lohan has found the love of her life – a boy-haired DJ called Samantha Ronson. For the past however many months, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have been completely inseparable, going to events together, falling out of clubs together, slagging off Lindsay Lohan’s dad together – and now it looks like they want to make their union official.

That’s right, according to reports Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson could be getting married in the next few months. Let’s just pray that they don’t accidentally release a Pammy & Tommy-style honeymoon sex video. Not because lesbian sex repulses us, you understand, but because we’ve seen Lindsay Lohan naked so many times in the last few years that one more glimpse of her ginger knockers will probably send us into a deep narcoleptic coma that we’ll never recover from.

We don’t know about you, but this whole gay marriage thing has been a bit of a letdown, hasn’t it? All that fuss and what have we got to show for it? Weddings by Ellen DeGeneres and Mr Sulu and nobody else, that’s what. It’s a bloody disgrace – doesn’t anyone realise that California only overturned its ban on gay marriage to lure secretly gay celebrities out of the closet? Honestly, famous secret gays, we don’t pay your wages for sloppy behaviour like this.

Luckily that might all be about to change, and it’s all down to Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay understands the value of spectacle better than anyone, whether she’s having it off with men or getting arrested for chasing a car drunk with cocaine in her pockets. And that’s why Lindsay Lohan’s upcoming gay marriage will be the bash to end all bashes.

Oh, didn’t we mention? Lindsay Lohan is definitely going to have a gay wedding soon, to her inescapable female chum Samantha Ronson. And the wedding is definitely going to happen by the end of the year. Definitely. Newsday reports:

This week, Ronson told clubgoers at Los Angeles hot spot Chateau Marmont that the two plan to tie the knot within the next few months, Britain’s Sun newspaper reports. “By the end of the year, my love will be Mrs. Ronson,” she said, according to the Sun. Responding to the article, Lohan’s rep told us, “Please don’t believe the British press.”

See? What does “Please don’t believe the British press” mean if not “Lindsay Lohan is definitely getting married to Samantha Ronson, and soon, and it’s going to be awesome.”

We’ve been here before, of course, when Lindsay Lohan had supposedly got engaged to Samantha Ronson but actually didn’t and then last month when another report of their impending gay marriage was shot down. But this time is different because, um… OK, it’s actually not that different at all. But shut up. If Lindsay Lohan gets married to a girl we won’t be forced to look at any more gruesome photos of her allegedly sucking off blokes. That’s what’s most important here. Don’t burst our bubble, OK?

Also, if this story is true, would we be able to push for Samantha Ronson to be the groom and Lindsay Lohan the bride, please? Because that way Michael Lohan would get to make a speech and, well, what’s a wedding without a fist-fight between a middle-aged Christian and a lesbian, huh?

Going directly against the orders of Michael Bay, Megan Fox seems to be doing exactly the opposite to piling on some poundage.

Whereas the explosion-loving director ordered every young boy in the world’s wet dream to put some weight on for Transformers 2, the actress has revealed that she instead decides to clean herself out with vinegar.

No, we have no idea either.

But, reports have flooded in on all the websites you would hope to print them – namely the ones aimed at already-image-conscious young teenage girls, who are now likely to think that drinking vinegar is a viable dieting option. What a great example these Hollywood types set each and every day.

First Megan Fox decided to ruin the underwear of millions of men and boys around the world with the news she was going to lez off in her upcoming movie Jennifer’s Body. Then, as if the news of a “hot” and “hardcore” lesbian scene weren’t enough, it was revealed she would be doing some topless stuff too.

That girl really knows how to ruin lives, that’s for sure.

After destroying millions of male psyches with the news of her lesbo-nudity, the sexiest woman in the world has turned her attention on the female populace. While she isn’t going for the same technique of making lonely young men/slightly pervy older men masturbate themselves into oblivion, she is still trying to ruin lives through the power of her actions alone.

And while Michael Bay wants her to be a fatty fighting the good fight alongside Shia LaBeouf, the Fox isn’t having any of it. Confessing to something of a ‘sweet tooth’ – which, in Hollywood language probably means she eats some things sometimes – she who likes to ruin your day by appearing in some suggestive poses on a normally decent website (usually when you’re innocently looking for celebrity news) has decided she will drink vinegar to help her keep in shape.

Speaking to someone who was apparently writing this stuff down – or recording it – the bushy-tailed one said:

“”It’s just water and raw apple cider vinegar, and it just cleans out your system entirely. It will get rid of, for women who retain water weight, from your menstrual cycle and all that, it gets rid of it really fast (sic). I’m not one for dieting or exercising, ’cause I’m lazy and I have a really big sweet tooth, so I have to do cleanses every once in a while ’cause of the amount of sugar I take in.”"

That just happens to sound utterly disgusting in every way shape and form – even the wording of the sentences brings up the bile. But it would seem the (possibly) evil Megan Fox doesn’t care how much bile we bring up, and she wants to ruin the health of teenage girls around the world (maybe), who are sure to copy her (possibly) in their never-ending quest to look like all the people they see in the magazines.

Just like all the boys want to copy Shia LaBeouf and crash their cars, thus messing up their hands.

We would go on to say something about how the Fox needs some (La)beef in her diet, but even hecklerspray isn’t that cheap. Even if we are struggling with a slow news day, and are resorting to the Charlie Brooker-approved ‘fit as many dodgy keywords into an article as you can’ technique. Professionalism right there, baby.

Lindsay Lohan may be back on track towards becoming entertaining again, thanks in no small part to Olympic gold medal-machine Michael Phelps.

The girl that could well be a lesbian, who may well be having a wedding to Samantha Ronson, who used to get off her face on all manner of things all the time and made up about 75 percent of hecklerspray‘s content and who used to not just be a big pile of boredom with added boretitude may well be on the track back to loving men again.

If a brief text message that gives away very little is to be believed. And if she ever liked girls ‘like that’ in the first place.

As we all know through thorough scientific testing – when Lindsay Lohan isn’t a lesbian, or when she isn’t at least possibly a lesbian, she is entertaining. Michael Phelps may well be getting another medal, this one far more valuable than any Olympic award – the hastily made up ‘hecklerspray medal that shows we like you for giving us something to write about again’.

The possibility of us having something to get up for in the morning again came about through an interview with Phelps’ mother, which was being conducted by Access Hollywood correspondent Billy Bush. As the interview was ongoing, Bush received a text from our former favourite walking train wreck Lindsay concerning the half-fish, half-fish swimmer:

“Tell him he’s fucking amazing, and I want to meet him.”

Now that’s the Lindsay Lohan we want to know – the one that swears and is ballsy (or stupid) enough to text someone something like that, during a live interview with the man’s mother, which resulted in the text being shown to Phelps’ mama. Lovely stuff.

Surprisingly enough, Phelps’ mummy reacted to the fact that a once-off the rails starlet, now boring apparent lesbian had sent the text with a mild amount of shock and surprise:

“OK, Lindsay! Delete! Delete! Delete!”

Obviously on being shown a similar message from Lindsay Lohan, any mother would have the same reaction. And seeing as she’s a quasi-lesbian but probably still likes blokes as well, that means any mother of any person in the world has to be on the lookout for Lohan-related textual stalking.

Though we are still waiting on ours. Come on Lohan – you know you love us.

Maybe this is just Lindsay trying to tell the world she’s moved on from men, moved past women and is now on to the third of the sexes – the newly discovered third sex, simply known as ‘fish’, that Michael Phelps clearly belongs to.

She’s obviously well up for a bit of scaly fun. She wants a dishy-bit-of-fishy. She’s scaling down her options. She’d be gutted if she didn’t get him. She’s fishing for compliments. She’s… sorry. We got a bit carried away.

Regardless, if this is the newly-returned evil form of Lindsay Lohan showing its face, the whole of America simply has to be against her getting her claws into Michael Phelps. The best Olympian the country has produced, probably ever, cannot fall into the hands of the dark side. He just wouldn’t be able to swim when drunk/smacked up/fat/involved in car crashes/in rehab.

Make sure it doesn’t happen, people.