Maybe the title could have been: ‘I saw a bear, and it took a dump in the woods’ or even ‘I saw the Pope, and he was a Catholic’. Of course, we are being facetious. Katy Perry annoyingly knew exactly what she was doing.

And we fell for it hook, line and sinker. But how could the thought of an attractive girl getting it on with another girl cause such a swirl of attention?
You see pissed girls in clubs and bars smooching all the time, just for a laugh. And it’s not as if red-blooded men get any kind of pleasure from seeing that, do we?

OK, of course we do. But why? Why does the sight of seeing two sexy girls having a smooch drive men – and a lot of women – nuts? Not convinced? Well, put it this way, when we were compiling our ’sexiest ever movie moments’ list the other day, we did a straw poll in the office. Seemed only fair. Hecklerspray is a democracy after all – sort of.

Anyway, what became incredible apparent was the number of movie clips nominated that revolved around two women getting it on. This could either mean we are all a bunch of lesbians, or that is purely a normal thing to get turned on by. Not that we’d would ever describe our writers as normal, mind you.

With that in mind, we thought it would be fun and a great waste of an afternoon to compile a list of our favourites. Oh, and before you start moaning, of course a lot of them are not real lesbian clinches and are just publicity stunts and movie scenes.

Come to think of it, they all are one or the other. In fact, some do not even touch lips. But who cares? They provided us with a little bit of titillation. Enjoy!

22. Neve Campbell and Denise Richards

From: Wild Things

21. Halle Berry and Britney Spears

From: Saturday Night Live

20. Jessica Biel and Sarah Silverman

From: MTV awards

19. Penelope Cruz and Charlize Theron

From: Head in The Clouds

18. Calista Flockhart and Lucy Lui

From: Ally McBeal

17. Chloe Sevigny and Michelle Williams

From: If These Walls Could Talk 2

16. Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston

From: Dirt

15. Britney Spears and Madonna

From: MTV Awards

14. A very young Anna Friel and Nicola Stephenson

From: Brookside

13. Tatu

From: All the Things She Said

12. Helen Shaver and Patricia Charbonneau

From: Desert Hearts

11. Susan Sarandon and Catherine Deneuve

From: The Hunger

10. Maria de Medeiros and Uma Thurman

From: Henry and June

9. Joan Chen and Anne Heche

From: Wild Side

8. Terry Farrell (Jadzia Dax) and Susannah Thompson Lenara

From: Deep Space Nine

7. Kristin Scott Thomas and Emanuelle Seigner

From: Bitter Moon

6. Angelina Jolie and Elizabeth Mitchell

From: Gia

5. Nikki Reed and Rachel Evan Wood

From: Thirteen

4. Salma Hayek and Ashley Judd

Film: Frida

3. Sarah Michelle Gellar & Selma Blair

From: Cruel Intentions

2. Gina Gershon and Jennifer Tilly

From: Bound

1. Naomi Watts and Laura Harring

From: Mulholland Drive

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For the very first time, Lindsay Lohan has confessed to a magazine that she’s probably bisexual. She won’t fully commit to it for sure, just in case Samantha Ronson does turn out to be a man after all. Lindsay has, however, claimed that she doesn’t know if she wants to get married to a man or a woman yet.

Of course, Lindsay Lohan’s sexual persuasion is her business and hers alone. If Lindsay Lohan wants to fall in love with a boy, that’s fine. If Lindsay Lohan wants to fall in love with a girl, that’s fine too. Frankly either one would be a step up from the barely functioning patchy-headed half-goat half-chimp hybrid abomination that was Calum Best, so really Lindsay Lohan wins either way.

Lindsay Lohan’s sexuality has always been her fortune, whether she’s using it to pose naked for magazines, star in movies about amnesiac strippers or stumble around European islands wedging her tongue into whatever human orifice happens to be closest to her at any given moment in time.

And that’s why Samantha Ronson has been such a source of fascination. She’s close enough to Lindsay Lohan for Lindsay to call her ‘my girlfriend’ during fights and, through a mixture of rumours and wilful father-enraging, she seems to have all but confirmed a romance between the pair of them.

But Lindsay Lohan has always stayed silent on the matter, possibly because she was scared about alienating the single remaining male fan who doesn’t feel slightly queasy when he thinks of Lindsay Lohan rasping cack-breathed come-ons directly into his face. However, that changes now.

In the new issue of Harper’s Bazaar, Lindsay Lohan has finally decided to open up about her sexual preferences, while claiming that Samantha Ronson has helped turn her life around. People reports:

“She’s a wonderful person and I love her very much,” said Lohan. When asked by Harper’s Bazaar if she is bisexual, Lohan responded: “Maybe. Yeah.” And will Lohan hear wedding bells in the future? “Eventually,” she said. But whether that will be with a man or a woman, “I don’t know.”

We don’t know about you, but regardless of Lindsay Lohan’s sexuality it’s so refreshing to read an interview where she can confidently assert that her troubles are all behind her and that she’s moving onwards and upwards with her life. We don’t think she’s ever done that before.

Well, apart from this time, that is. And this time. And this time, obviously. Oh, and this time. Actually, you can pretty much just go ahead and ignore that last paragraph entirely if you want.

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Having just clawed its way out of the last gayness-related snafu it managed to stagger into, Grey’s Anatomy has inexplicably managed to slam into another one by ditching a lesbian love plot midway through, firing one of the actresses involved and fixing the other one up so that she isn’t gay any more.

What is it with Grey’s Anatomy? It’s almost as if it wants all gay people to stop watching it. And if that happened it’d probably be the end of Grey’s Anatomy, because its remaining audience demographics – the elderly, the bed-bound, the narcoleptic and the stupid – don’t really play as well with advertisers.

Gayness is Grey’s Anatomy’s Achilles heel. Everything that’s ever gone wrong with Grey’s Anatomy, at some level, has had a connection to homosexuality. Sure, a gay slur kicked off the Grey’s Anatomy actor fight of 2006, but that’s not the end of it.

Remember that the actor-fight was exacerbated by Grey’s Anatomy actor TR Knight coming out? And how it ended with Isaiah Washington doing pro-gay PSAs? And all that trouble about Katherine Heigl not appreciating the writing on Grey’s Anatomy?

(Actually, we should clear that last one up. We’re not suggesting that Katherine Heigl is gay, just that most of the time she seems like embittered gay man trapped inside a woman’s body. Again, Katherine Heigl seems like an embittered old gay man imprisoned inside a body that he can never love. Thanks.)

And, with an inevitability that borders of the illegal, Grey’s Anatomy has strayed back into the gaypit once more. This time, Grey’s Anatomy has earnt accusations of sexual insensitivity by abruptly killing off a lesbian storyline by de-gaying one of the characters and sending another off into the wilderness. E! Online reports:

Sources confirm that Brooke Smith, who plays Dr. Erica Hahn (a doctor who recently realized she is gay), has been axed from Grey’s Anatomy. I’m also told by insiders connected to the ABC series that some of the gay-themed storylines are being downplayed and even erased from upcoming scripts.

Now, we should point out that the Grey’s Anatomy executive producer has denied that anyone was fired for playing a lesbian or anything like that, and that it was down to a lack of ‘magic’ or something equally as woolly.

But, to the Grey’s Anatomy executive producer, we feel we should point out one thing in response – have you ever thought about trying to make the TV show Grey’s Anatomy as exciting as the behind the scenes headlines about Grey’s Anatomy? You really should, because this dreary old emotional crap you’re doing now really isn’t working out for us.

But wait! The craziness of Jodie Marsh gets even, er… better. The woman shaved her lover’s initials into her scalp. Now the whole world knows how much of a loved-up dyke she is! But, really, is that the best you can do, Jodie? Sculpting the letters into her pubes would have caused us to maybe bat our eyelids for a few seconds at least.

But without a man around, who will open her jars of mustard or change her lightbulbs? No-one, that’s who. Girls can’t do those sorts of things. Nor can they get themselves pregnant. That’s why Jodie is calling upon all bloke/perverts to masturbate furiously into a baked bean tin and send the results to her in the post.

Don’t get us wrong, we love to help people when we can. Just the other day a woman asked us if we thought she looked fat in a dress. Not wanting to lie and be cast in eternal sin, we simply told the truth and said “Yes, it looks like you’ve nicked the curtains from someone’s front room. Best give them back before the owners notice and burglars see what they’ve got in their front room.” Oddly, this response didn’t go down too well. One slapped face later, we learnt a harsh lesson in life – there’s the ‘truth’ and then there’s the truth that all women want to believe.

So why has Jodie Marsh, the poor man’s Jordan, got all upset with men and decided to give lady-love a bash? It seems strange, as only a year ago she happily starred in a show for MTV called Jodie Marsh: Who’ll Take Her Up The Aisle? You probably won’t remember it – it was utter gash – but she used the show to audition men to marry her. A process that went disastrously wrong for her, because no sane people wanted to take up the offer. Just tramps and dirty old men in trench coats.

According to Digital Spy, her decision to become a rug-muncher isn’t down to her own wishful thinking. In typical fashion, it’s the fault of every man in the world. So, let us take this chance to apologise for every bloke on the planet – even for Danny Dyer – and say sorry. Jodie said to someone who probably didn’t care:

“I can see why women turn lesbian, because you get to the point where you’re sick of hearing so much f***ing bull***t, so you start to look elsewhere.”

So Jodie Marsh is a lesbian. But why she wants sperm sent to her remains unanswered. We assume she’ll be using a turkey baster to make some sort of hideous offspring, but we can’t be entirely sure. Maybe deep underground her Essex mansion she plans to create an army of creatures that will enslave all mankind.

Well, guess what? She is Lindsay Lohan’s girlfriend. Sort of. We think. In a telephone interview with a radio station on Monday, Lindsay Lohan explained that she had been going out with Samantha Ronson “for a very long time” – the closest she’s ever come to publicly admitting a lesbian relationship.

Goodness. First Clay Aiken and now Lindsay Lohan. Today really seems to be the day for admitting long-kept secrets about your sexuality. And, thanks to this spirit of openness, we’ve decided that it’s our turn too – Mum, Dad, we only get aroused by watching pregnant midget lesbian poo porn. But only if one of the midgets is an amputee and the other one is dressed like Ringo Starr as the Pope from Lisztomania.

Too much?

Samantha Ronson has undoubtedly been good for Lindsay Lohan. Since they began their friendship several months ago, Lindsay Lohan’s life has turned around completely. We’ve seen no arrests, no hopeless stabs at rehab and – most importantly of all – our screaming night terrors over the thought of Lindsay Lohan putting her mouth over the end of Calum Best’s penis have fallen by as much of 30%.

But it’s important to remember that Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan are just friends. Normal platonic friends just like you and your same-gender best friend. Sure, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson might spend every waking moment together hand in hand and occasionally indulge in the odd kiss and cuddle, but that’s what all same-gender friends do. All of them. And if they don’t, they’re definitely thinking about it.

However, some absurd fools have been recently suggesting that Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson might be a bit, you know, gay. Apparently Lindsay Lohan has been doing some unquestionably gay things lately, like wanting to marry Samantha Ronson and thinking about voting Democrat. But this was all just speculation, at least until Monday.

Because on Monday, Lindsay Lohan was talking to DJ Ted Stryker on the syndicated radio show Loveline when she all but admitted a lesbian relationship with Ronson. Here’s the juicy part of the conversation:

Stryker: “You guys, you and Samantha, have been going out for how long now? Like two years, one year, five months, two months?”

Lohan: “For a very long time.”

Now we know what you’re thinking. This is Lindsay Lohan we’re talking about, so perhaps we shouldn’t take this admission at face value. While it’s perfectly feasible to assume that Lindsay and Samantha are a lesbian couple, she may have also said this to deliberately provoke the media, or even just to send her dad into more of an apoplectic spaz-dribble.

But, what the hell, let’s just assume that Lindsay Lohan really is a lesbian. And good for her. This now means that she can move onto the next stage of her career, which involves crying about puppies on TV and gaining stalkers who are prepared to blow up airports just to catch her eye. And not a moment too soon, if you ask us.

But even though she’s easily caused enough teenage ejaculations to power a rocket trip to the moon, Megan Fox knows that her work is still not done. And that’s why Megan Fox has told GQ magazine that she once had a sizzling lesbian relationship with a female stripper from Russia called Nikita.

We can’t congratulate Megan Fox enough for telling us this. Honestly, with the world’s financial markets in meltdown and the worst recession for a century looming over us all, Megan Fox implying that she might have once rubbed her clodge against a stripper’s clodge has single-handedly resuscitated the ailing tissue industry. Megan, we salute you.

Megan Fox scares the life out of us, you know. She’s just a little bit too perfect, almost as if teams of international scientists have spent decades gently calibrating her sexiness with microchips and industrial sanders.

Firstly there’s that name – Megan Fox is the kind of name you give yourself after deciding that Slapper McFannytits doesn’t quite get the message across with enough punch. Then there’s the way she looks – Megan Fox is the FHM world’s sexiest woman, a title she snatched from previous winners like Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson and 2002’s surprise winner, a greased-up block of ham in a bikini and a sexy wig.

But most of all, though, we’re convinced that Megan Fox is a robot because she only ever talks about sex. Ever. Literally ever. Her factory setting appears to be a constant monologue about her own naked body, and we hear that rather than get her to memorise actual lines, Michael Bay just cut and pasted all of Megan Fox’s Transformers dialogue from a three-hour discussion about how perky and soft her boobs are.

All of that isn’t enough for Megan Fox, though. Which is presumably why she’s gallivanting all over the place telling everyone that she’s a bit of a lesbian and she once had a thing for an east European lady stripper. Megan told GQ:

“She was sort of a tough badass, but she’d do these beautiful slow dances to Aerosmith ballads… I just think that all humans are born with the ability to be attracted to both sexes. I mean, I could see myself in a relationship with a girl—Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands.”

Wow, that is sexy. Usually when Megan Fox sees a sexy girl she tends to either want to snap a duck’s beak off with a clamp and a hammer or jump up and down on a binbag full of puppies, but strangling a mountain ox with her bare hands? That’s a brand new level of sexiness we didn’t even know existed.

Let’s hope that Megan Fox has now reached the outer limits of her sexy-talk now, though, because it’s going to be so hard for her to top a printed discussion about a lesbian infatuation with a female stripper. Well, unless that story about her having a greased-up 10-day orgy with the cast of Gossip Girl, three donkeys and midget dressed up as a clown on a yacht shaped like a labia moored off the coast of the Micronesian island of Tittyhooker gets out.

We just pray for the sake of mankind that it doesn’t.

Now it seems like Lindsay Lohan has found the love of her life – a boy-haired DJ called Samantha Ronson. For the past however many months, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have been completely inseparable, going to events together, falling out of clubs together, slagging off Lindsay Lohan’s dad together – and now it looks like they want to make their union official.

That’s right, according to reports Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson could be getting married in the next few months. Let’s just pray that they don’t accidentally release a Pammy & Tommy-style honeymoon sex video. Not because lesbian sex repulses us, you understand, but because we’ve seen Lindsay Lohan naked so many times in the last few years that one more glimpse of her ginger knockers will probably send us into a deep narcoleptic coma that we’ll never recover from.

We don’t know about you, but this whole gay marriage thing has been a bit of a letdown, hasn’t it? All that fuss and what have we got to show for it? Weddings by Ellen DeGeneres and Mr Sulu and nobody else, that’s what. It’s a bloody disgrace – doesn’t anyone realise that California only overturned its ban on gay marriage to lure secretly gay celebrities out of the closet? Honestly, famous secret gays, we don’t pay your wages for sloppy behaviour like this.

Luckily that might all be about to change, and it’s all down to Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay understands the value of spectacle better than anyone, whether she’s having it off with men or getting arrested for chasing a car drunk with cocaine in her pockets. And that’s why Lindsay Lohan’s upcoming gay marriage will be the bash to end all bashes.

Oh, didn’t we mention? Lindsay Lohan is definitely going to have a gay wedding soon, to her inescapable female chum Samantha Ronson. And the wedding is definitely going to happen by the end of the year. Definitely. Newsday reports:

This week, Ronson told clubgoers at Los Angeles hot spot Chateau Marmont that the two plan to tie the knot within the next few months, Britain’s Sun newspaper reports. “By the end of the year, my love will be Mrs. Ronson,” she said, according to the Sun. Responding to the article, Lohan’s rep told us, “Please don’t believe the British press.”

See? What does “Please don’t believe the British press” mean if not “Lindsay Lohan is definitely getting married to Samantha Ronson, and soon, and it’s going to be awesome.”

We’ve been here before, of course, when Lindsay Lohan had supposedly got engaged to Samantha Ronson but actually didn’t and then last month when another report of their impending gay marriage was shot down. But this time is different because, um… OK, it’s actually not that different at all. But shut up. If Lindsay Lohan gets married to a girl we won’t be forced to look at any more gruesome photos of her allegedly sucking off blokes. That’s what’s most important here. Don’t burst our bubble, OK?

Also, if this story is true, would we be able to push for Samantha Ronson to be the groom and Lindsay Lohan the bride, please? Because that way Michael Lohan would get to make a speech and, well, what’s a wedding without a fist-fight between a middle-aged Christian and a lesbian, huh?

Whereas the explosion-loving director ordered every young boy in the world’s wet dream to put some weight on for Transformers 2, the actress has revealed that she instead decides to clean herself out with vinegar.

No, we have no idea either.

But, reports have flooded in on all the websites you would hope to print them – namely the ones aimed at already-image-conscious young teenage girls, who are now likely to think that drinking vinegar is a viable dieting option. What a great example these Hollywood types set each and every day.

First Megan Fox decided to ruin the underwear of millions of men and boys around the world with the news she was going to lez off in her upcoming movie Jennifer’s Body. Then, as if the news of a “hot” and “hardcore” lesbian scene weren’t enough, it was revealed she would be doing some topless stuff too.

That girl really knows how to ruin lives, that’s for sure.

After destroying millions of male psyches with the news of her lesbo-nudity, the sexiest woman in the world has turned her attention on the female populace. While she isn’t going for the same technique of making lonely young men/slightly pervy older men masturbate themselves into oblivion, she is still trying to ruin lives through the power of her actions alone.

And while Michael Bay wants her to be a fatty fighting the good fight alongside Shia LaBeouf, the Fox isn’t having any of it. Confessing to something of a ’sweet tooth’ – which, in Hollywood language probably means she eats some things sometimes – she who likes to ruin your day by appearing in some suggestive poses on a normally decent website (usually when you’re innocently looking for celebrity news) has decided she will drink vinegar to help her keep in shape.

Speaking to someone who was apparently writing this stuff down – or recording it – the bushy-tailed one said:

“”It’s just water and raw apple cider vinegar, and it just cleans out your system entirely. It will get rid of, for women who retain water weight, from your menstrual cycle and all that, it gets rid of it really fast (sic). I’m not one for dieting or exercising, ’cause I’m lazy and I have a really big sweet tooth, so I have to do cleanses every once in a while ’cause of the amount of sugar I take in.”"

That just happens to sound utterly disgusting in every way shape and form – even the wording of the sentences brings up the bile. But it would seem the (possibly) evil Megan Fox doesn’t care how much bile we bring up, and she wants to ruin the health of teenage girls around the world (maybe), who are sure to copy her (possibly) in their never-ending quest to look like all the people they see in the magazines.

Just like all the boys want to copy Shia LaBeouf and crash their cars, thus messing up their hands.

We would go on to say something about how the Fox needs some (La)beef in her diet, but even hecklerspray isn’t that cheap. Even if we are struggling with a slow news day, and are resorting to the Charlie Brooker-approved ‘fit as many dodgy keywords into an article as you can’ technique. Professionalism right there, baby.

The girl that could well be a lesbian, who may well be having a wedding to Samantha Ronson, who used to get off her face on all manner of things all the time and made up about 75 percent of hecklerspray’s content and who used to not just be a big pile of boredom with added boretitude may well be on the track back to loving men again.

If a brief text message that gives away very little is to be believed. And if she ever liked girls ‘like that’ in the first place.

As we all know through thorough scientific testing – when Lindsay Lohan isn’t a lesbian, or when she isn’t at least possibly a lesbian, she is entertaining. Michael Phelps may well be getting another medal, this one far more valuable than any Olympic award – the hastily made up ‘hecklerspray medal that shows we like you for giving us something to write about again’.

The possibility of us having something to get up for in the morning again came about through an interview with Phelps’ mother, which was being conducted by Access Hollywood correspondent Billy Bush. As the interview was ongoing, Bush received a text from our former favourite walking train wreck Lindsay concerning the half-fish, half-fish swimmer:

“Tell him he’s fucking amazing, and I want to meet him.”

Now that’s the Lindsay Lohan we want to know – the one that swears and is ballsy (or stupid) enough to text someone something like that, during a live interview with the man’s mother, which resulted in the text being shown to Phelps’ mama. Lovely stuff.

Surprisingly enough, Phelps’ mummy reacted to the fact that a once-off the rails starlet, now boring apparent lesbian had sent the text with a mild amount of shock and surprise:

“OK, Lindsay! Delete! Delete! Delete!”

Obviously on being shown a similar message from Lindsay Lohan, any mother would have the same reaction. And seeing as she’s a quasi-lesbian but probably still likes blokes as well, that means any mother of any person in the world has to be on the lookout for Lohan-related textual stalking.

Though we are still waiting on ours. Come on Lohan – you know you love us.

Maybe this is just Lindsay trying to tell the world she’s moved on from men, moved past women and is now on to the third of the sexes – the newly discovered third sex, simply known as ‘fish’, that Michael Phelps clearly belongs to.

She’s obviously well up for a bit of scaly fun. She wants a dishy-bit-of-fishy. She’s scaling down her options. She’d be gutted if she didn’t get him. She’s fishing for compliments. She’s… sorry. We got a bit carried away.

Regardless, if this is the newly-returned evil form of Lindsay Lohan showing its face, the whole of America simply has to be against her getting her claws into Michael Phelps. The best Olympian the country has produced, probably ever, cannot fall into the hands of the dark side. He just wouldn’t be able to swim when drunk/smacked up/fat/involved in car crashes/in rehab.

Make sure it doesn’t happen, people.

She’s a style icon, a Hollywood megastar and a thoroughly beautiful girl. But when the ‘not sexy’ thing she’s talking about is getting off with another one of the most visually pleasing women in the movie business – Penelope Cruz – then, well, we wouldn’t hold it against you if you went and told Scarlett she was talking a great big pile of crud.

The kiss they shared wasn’t a subtle ploy to distract everyone in the world from the fact that all the Hollywood types seem to be getting struck down with one illness or another. No, it’s just a part of that new Woody Allen film, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, which is clearly going to be a great big bag of balls.

Aside from the scene in question, of course.

Yes, the thrilling news that Woody’s film wasn’t laughed off at Cannes – far from it, it received a thirty-six hour standing ovation or something – has got a lot of people convinced it’s for one reason and one reason alone, and the ethereal lifeforce that is hecklerspray agrees wholeheartedly: hot lesbian action.

But while most red-blooded males and, let’s face it, a hell of a lot of females, gay men, transexuals, hermaphrodites and everything else inbetween agree with the theory that ol’ Woody is using the technique of making two beautiful women lezz off on screen purely to get some artificial buzz surrounding the flick, the women themselves seem oblivious to the fact that it’s a really, really brilliant marketing ploy.

Speaking to some people who were trying not to gawk at her that little bit too much, Scarlett Johansson said:

“There were 60 crewmen eating salami sandwiches. It’s really the least sexy thing you can ever imagine.”

Actually, we can imagine something a lot less sexy, it’s just we’re not allowed to mention it here by law. There have been problems in the past that hecklerspray can’t really re-visit, unfortunately. Needless to say, salami is the last of the things to be worried about.

Penelope Cruz, on the other hand, took an altogether different view of things – speaking to some other people, or they might have been the same ones, we’re not really sure, the star of hecklerspray favourite Chromophobia said:

“We didn’t talk about it much, then Woody told us how the shot was going to be, but Scarlett and I don’t have any funny stories to tell about it. It felt [like] nothing, nothing happened.”

See – it’s always the same. Those that get all the breaks in life don’t bloody well appreciate it, whereas those underdogs who would take pleasure in the situation are forced to sit back and watch. Actually, come to think of it that’s pretty win-win, so we’ll stop complaining now.

Good lord it’s a slow news day.

If a 23-year-old male singer were to say that they wanted to kiss a 15-year-old pop sensation on Sunday, they would rightly be chastised. Probably shot or lynched too. Or just looked down on a lot. They’d probably write a book about their experiences a few years down the line, when the dust had settled.

But when it’s a 23-year-old female singer saying they want to play tonsil hockey with a child this Sunday then it’s just laughed off… Hang on – what? That’s not funny. That’s just dodgy.

Yes kids, everyone’s favourite possible condom saleschild and she who makes frankly incomprehensible videos especially for our new editor’s birthday, Miley Cyrus, has come out and said she will not be engaging in some same-sex-underage-dear-god-that’s-just-plain-weird smooching with Katy Perry.

‘Who the hell is Katy Perry though?!’, hecklerspray hears you cry, and frankly, we’re not sure either. Apparently she’s had some hits with some songs that seem to hint at a fondness for homosexuality – her two biggest hits of ‘UR So Gay’ and ‘I Kissed A Girl’ would seem to attest to this. No big deal, the girl can like who she wants to like.

But when you’re blatantly trying to fire up some kind of media frenzy by offering to publicly snog a kid then, well, you need to be told when to stop. Last time hecklerspray tried something similar we were subjected to beatings on a nightly basis by a man with tattoos on his eyeballs, whose nickname included the words ‘nonce’ and ‘basher’.

After being informed of Katy Perry’s apparent wish to take advantage of an underage girl, thus recreating the Britney Spears and Madonna ‘hot’ action of sharing a smooch on stage, young (emphasis on young there) Miley told E!:

“No thanks. She sang on my record. So I think she’s kind of getting back at me, because she was doing harmonies and backgrounds.”

Is that bitchy? hecklerspray doesn’t understand Ameri-child speak, much as we are forced to put up with it. It would fit in with Miley’s apparent new character of pure, unadulterated evil that she seems to be cultivating, so yes – we’ll go with ‘bitchy’.

We just have one real question about all of this: why does no one seem to realise that Miley Cyrus is still a kid? She certainly doesn’t seem to, the constant stream of unsettling news about her possible nudity/semi nudity in showers doesn’t seem to want to do anything but appeal to the dodgy among us and things like this don’t really help.

So Katy Perry, please, in future keep your hands, lips and everything else to yourself. At least until Miley’s over the age of consent, then knock yourself out.

Well, look, OK, Rosie O’Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck obviously aren’t going to get it on at all, but that hasn’t stopped Rosie O’Donnell calling Elisabeth Hasselbeck ‘very attractive’ during an interview with Howard Stern yesterday.

We’ll get to the details in a moment, but for now let’s just mourn the fact that Rosie and Elisabeth aren’t able to genetically create their own child – because it’d have to be part O’Donnell and part Hasselbeck, and we could earn all sorts of money running a book on whether it’d come out fat and intolerant or skinny and paranoid.

Ever since her tenure at The View ended up with a blazing row and nobody wanted her to host The Price Is Right, Rosie O’Donnell has been existing in a diminished capacity lately. She’s given up booze and hung out with Cyndi Lauper a bit, but not a whole lot else. And now we know why.

Because Rosie O’Donnell is too busy daydreaming about her former crackpot right-wing co-host of The View Elisabeth Hasselbeck. So far Rosie’s got the daydream where they’re feeding each other strawberries in a sun-dappled meadow, the daydream where Elisabeth is rescuing Rosie from a burning building to the sound of I Want To Know What Love Is by Foreigner and the daydream where they’re both covered in oil and going hammer and tongs at each other with gigantic strap-on dildos on a revolving bed in a sex dungeon on a yacht.

It’s true – Rosie O’Donnell has confessed to Howard Stern that the very thought of Elisabeth Hasselbeck screeching on about the evils of abortion in her dreadful rape-alarm voice gets her so horny that she has to go and rub her crotch up and down on the corner of the nearest municipal building before she explodes.

Or, in a more truthful explanation, Howard Stern pestered Rosie O’Donnell on his radio show until she eventually admitted that Elisabeth Hasselbeck is sort of OK-looking for a hateful witch. Access Hollywood reports:

“Wouldn’t it have been the ultimate accomplishment to take this conservative girl and turn her, so to speak?… Were you not attracted to Elisabeth Hasselbeck?” Howard asked. “When you look at her physically, you don’t want her?” “See, the want is the big thing,” Rosie explained. “I find her very attractive. She’s very attractive, I think.” “Her body is perfect,” Stern commented. “Have you ever seen her biceps?” Rosie responded.

See? We knew it! That time Rosie O’Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck had a screaming argument on The View, it was all down to pent-up sexual tension. If there had been any justice, the fight would have ended with Rosie and Elisabeth sweeping the papers off The View’s desk and making out with each other with tongues on top of it for like half an hour. It would have been like that porno we saw once, Disgusting Mind-Scarring Lesbians That Nobody Finds Sexy At All 4, we think it was called. It was hot.

Anyway, we were just kidding about the fight being down to sexual tension, because that’d mean that Rosie O’Donnell wanted to sleep with everyone she had a feud with. And god knows people have gone mad for less than imagining Rosie having a three-way with Donald Trump and Hulk Hogan.

The only decent look inside her that we have had so far taught us little more than the fact that a vagina should really only be viewed in the cordial context of the bedroom, otherwise they can look quite menacing and no matter how hard you look at it, this particular insight was not quite wide enough to see through to her inner-soul.

But those days of mystery are now behind us, because Christa D’Souza of The Sunday Times has given Lindsay the interview of her life. We double dare you to not read on.

So then guys, is Lindsay Lohan engaged to DJ Samantha Ronson? Is Lindsay Lohan a lesbian? Will she ever finally disappear? Christa D’Souza doesn’t find out any of this, which begs the question: What is the point of Christa D’Souza?

Instead, Christa D’Souza asks things like: what address-book cover do you have? to which Lindsay replies: Smythson. I love Smythson.

See what we mean about insights? One minute you know nothing about a person and the next minute along comes Christa D’Souza and suddenly you learn not only what kind of address book cover the person has, but also that address-book covers exist. The truth shall set you free, so lets have some more:

Christa D’Souza asks: What is your favourite designer label? Lindsay Lohan says: Balenciaga. Hecklerspray wonders: who could possibly give a shit?

Christa D’Souza asks: But what about Dolce and Gabbana? Lindsay Lohan says: Omigod, they’re such good people to be around, And the way their dresses fit. If I get married, I would definitely want them to do the gown. Hecklerspray wonders: Is this why Paul Scholes never does post-match interviews; because he has nothing of any interest to say? A lot of you ask: Who is this Paul Scholes and why do you keep using him in reference to Lindsay Lohan? Hecklerspray says: Fair point.

The interview takes place in the outdoor café of a photo studio off Melrose Avenue in – coolest city in the world – Los Angeles. Lindsay is with a small entourage, which includes a chap named Lorit, who is Lindsay’s ‘personal spray-tanner’.

There are no words.

At one point Christa D’Souza actually says:

Let us not forget one small fact. Lohan can actually act, as anybody who saw her in The Parent Trap, Mean Girls, Freaky Friday or even the widely panned Georgia Rule, would surely have to agree.

We know. We know. The world is fucking weird. To which Lindsay replies, no doubt shocked out of her skull:

Well, thank you, that’s nice, because that’s what I do: I act. That’s what I’ve done since I was seven. People seem to lose sight of that. They skim over it, they’re more interested in seeing a picture of me slipping in the rain, which I did last night, and someone got a picture . . .(at his point Lindsay gets distracted and turns to her friend, Jeni) Are you going to have some cheesecake? Ya are? Okay, gimme some too. But with just a little whipped cream, okay?

Yep, that made it into the interview. If you are interested in more stuff like this than either follow the link below or find the nearest rifle, pretend you are Lindsay Lohan and the barrel is Callum Best’s dirty-fudgestick, apologise to God for being a moron and plaster the walls around you with your useless brain/skull juice.

Read More – Lindsay Lohan talks about her troubled life – The Sunday Times

But if anyone’s going to know all the intimate details of Lindsay Lohan’s new sapphic endeavours, it’s bound to be Michael Lohan – Lindsay’s born-again christian ex-convict of an absentee father. So tell us, Michael Lohan – is Lindsay Lohan a gigantic lesbian these days, or is she still big on penis?

What’s that? You originally said that Lindsay Lohan was a lesbian, but now you’re backtracking furiously because you secretly suspect that your big mouth is widening the gulf between you and your daughter and you’re trying to be as nondescript as possible to cover for the fact that Lindsay Lohan never tells you anything because you’re yet to regain her trust despite several attempts on your part? Why, that doesn’t help at all. Sheesh.

As this is Lindsay Lohan’s Year Of Sex, we’re quickly realising that not much can surprise us any more. Lindsay Lohan’s had sex with the entire male population of an Italian island, she’s had sex with someone’s pecker on camera and now, if you believe what you read, she’s now busy having sex with a woman. Next will be feral woodland creatures, you mark our word, but we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

The woman who Lindsay Lohan is rumoured to be having sex with is Samantha Ronson and, to the casual observer, it looks like love. Lindsay Lohan loves Samantha Ronson enough to shriek at whichever Olsen twin happens to be nearest to her and to apparently get engaged to her.

But what do we know? It’s not like we’re Lindsay Lohan’s dad or anything. Lindsay Lohan’s dad knows everything that goes on in the Lohan family, except for what happened to it that time he went to prison for crashing his car drunk and trying to attack a man with his shoe. And prior to that when he was such an irresponsible parent that one of his daughters emailed the media to declare what a bastard he was.

But Michael Lohan knows everything else about the Lohans. OK, Michael Lohan knows that Dina Lohan’s reality TV show is crummy and that Lindsay used to be addicted to OxyContin and that’s about the extent of his knowledge.

However, when someone from Us Weekly recently asked him whether Lindsay Lohan is a lesbian or not, this shameful lack of family knowledge didn’t stop Michael from blurting out that her relationship with Ronson:

“is evident to anyone with half a brain.”

Great! Lindsay Lohan’s officially a lesbian. Except that, no, now Michael Lohan’s saying everything was taken out of context and that Lindsay Lohan definitely isn’t a lesbian. Unless she is, in which case he’s totally OK with it. The New York Daily News reports:

Michael Lohan said he had not seen any photos of his daughter and Ronson nuzzling necks in France recently. Nor would it matter to him if his daughter were gay. “Lindsay’s life choices are up to her,” he said. “I don’t get involved in my daughter’s personal life. They’re friends, they’re always together. I hug my friends, does that make me a homosexual? Of course not.”

Poor old Michael Lohan. Trying to make out like he’s got the first clue about what his daughter’s up to when he clearly hasn’t. We hope for Michael’s sake that Lindsay Lohan doesn’t turn out to be a lesbian, because it might mean that he’ll be torn between his daughter and his new-found hardline faith.

And that’s just unfair – nothing should come between a father and his daughter. Nothing. Unless the father goes jail because he tried to beat a man up with a shoe, obviously. But that’s it.

Three cheers for Woody Allen and his much maligned interest in younger women!

The news should finally shut up all the player-haters out there – you know who you are! The ones of you who thought it ‘weird’ for a man to show a sexual interest in his own adopted daughter.

Well you can now jump off your high horses because, like World War 2 before, the ends always justify the means and the sight of Scarlett and Penelope lezzin’ off is no doubt a joyful scene.

The on-screen lezathon is being credited with reviving the career of the sputtering genius filmmaker, whose film received a ten minute standing ovation, which is a weird amount of time to clap for anything, but well done.

According to OK! Magazine, one critic said of the scene:

It woke up all the dopey critics and practically got a standing ovation.

The film, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, is a romantic comedy wherein Cruz’s character meets Scarlett’s character in Barcelona, things happen, they lezz off, more things happen, and it ends.

The film also stars Penelope Cruz’s real-life boyfriend, Javier Bardem, who plays a character in the film that gets caught up in the plot somehow, doesn’t matter.

The scene was apparently intended by Woody to be his most erotic scene to date, and that’s something, as only Cliff Richard, Bill Cosby, Bruce Forsyth and Dennis Norden have stayed in their respective games longer.

Woody Allen said:

I want people to see the romance, and I wanted some laughs. I wanted to see two young women who go to Barcelona…and gradually things start to disintegrate [lezz off].

‘Disintegrate’ eh? Is that how today’s old people are referring to it, hmm? What happened to a good, old-fashioned lemonfest? They’re a morbid bunch, aren’t they?

Yes, they are. It’s largely because they’ll be dead soon and as we have no idea what that’s like lets pity them and let them have their own slang, lets even incorporate it into our own speech, as a way of saying: Well done old people! Despite the appalling strain you put on society you’re quite like us youngsters in many ways, what with the way you like watching girls kiss and stuff, so with that in mind thanks for everything!

Because we too literally cannot wait to see Scarlett disintegrate all over Penelope Cruz’s face, and it’s OK if you can’t wait too.

Viva la dirty, old bastard!

Read More – Lesbian Kiss Saves Woody, OK! Magazine