Kiefer Sutherland isn’t Jack Bauer. Hard to believe, we know, but they’re different in just about every way.

Jack Bauer, for instance, breaks the law in all sorts of spectacular ways to save America from terrorists then gets pardoned by the president afterwards. Kiefer Sutherland, on the other hand, commits petty crimes to save 1980s actresses then gets charged afterwards.

Kiefer Sutherland has been charged with minor assault following his alleged headbutting incident this week. Sad – we wanted to see how far he’d take this hobby. Maybe he’d end up shoplifting a Chunky Kit Kat for Molly Ringwald or something.

At least now we all know where the eighth season of 24 will be set – the studio of America’s Next Top Model. It makes so much sense – Kiefer Sutherland wouldn’t have to fake his rage for the fashion industry, plus we get the impression that the sight of Tyra Banks tied to a chair getting her kneecaps shattered while electrodes dangle from her nipples might be something of a ratings winner.

That’s provided that Kiefer Sutherland’s intense hatred of fashion designers doesn’t land him in jail for the rest of his life, of course – after allegedly headbutting Jack McCollough at a party to protect the honour of Brooke Shields this week, his future looks uncertain. Especially now that he’s been charged with assault, as Reuters reports:

Actor Kiefer Sutherland turned himself into police on Thursday and was arrested and charged with assault for headbutting another man at a swank party in New York City. The star of the hit television show “24″ was questioned by police at a station in the Manhattan neighborhood of Soho and faces a minor assault charge, according to a police spokeswoman.

Normally a charge of minor assault wouldn’t carry much of a punishment, but don’t forget this is Kiefer Sutherland we’re talking about – he’s previously been arrested so many times that headbutting McCollough probably violates the terms of about 75 different probations. This basically leaves a judge with two options. If Kiefer Sutherland is convicted then he can either be sent to prison immediately or let out onto the street where he’ll get shitfaced within a couple of minutes, start a fight with his own reflection, get rearrested and then go to prison.

But still, at least now he’s been charged, Kiefer Sutherland has set himself up for one of the greatest courtroom battles in recent history. It’s going to be amazing – Kiefer will get to do his gritty “I did what I did because I needed to” shtick, Jack McCollough will get to fake terror every time that Kiefer so much as flinches – plus all the witnesses were at a party with Brooke Shields and Kiefer Sutherland, so they’re bound to be a bunch of terrifically obnoxious nimrods.

A word of advice, though, Kiefer – tell the court that you had to headbutt Jack McCollough yourself because if Brooke Shields tried it she’d have suffocated him with her giant eyebrows and killed him. If anything, you were helping him out.

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