One of the big talking points from the Super Bowl commercial break was… well… Clint Eastwood. Away from that though, there’s a little excitement surrounding the trailer for Marvel’s The Avengers movie.

While most superhero flicks are brooding like Batman at the moment, it appears that The Avengers film is going to be pleasingly dumb, if the trailer is anything to go by.

So if you want to see it, strap in and watch things explode with Captain America (Chris Evans), Thor (Chris Hemsworth), Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr), Scarlett Johansson (Black Widow) and Hulk get into a giant scrap with a fella with long, greasy hair.

The baddie in the piece is called Loki and he’s all cocking his head with an evil eyebrow nonsense while Rob Downey Jr is, well, playing himself.

Elsewhere, Captain America’s shield will get nerds wet, while everyone else with be getting aroused over Scarlett Johansson in a catsuit.

Oh, and there’s aliens and laser beams and all that good stuff.

One thing that people may raise a vague titter at is the exchange between Loki and Iron Man. ”I have an army,” says Tom Hiddleston’s Loki. “We have a Hulk!” Stark replies.

Those superheroes and villains! Do they rehearse this stuff?

Yes they do. Now watch the trailer.

Ever wanted to smell like one of Marvel’s finest? Of course you have. If you said you’d be a stinking liar. See what we did there? Stinking. It’s a joke! A funny joke! Oh, shut up a second and we’ll tell you how you can.

We’ve always longed for our lady friends to smell like Black Widow, and for our friends to smell like rejection, fear and Michael Fassbender: just like the X-Men.

The good people at Jads International, which sounds a lot like one of the stripping troupes that frequently visit the HS bedsit (Nads International) are bringing you a range of aftershaves that are themed around the main characters from the upcoming, and not at all Marvel’s last chance-saloon, The Avengers.

Taking inspiration from Iron Man, Captain America, Thor, The Incredible Hulk (?!), Loki and Nick Fury, they hope to emulate the smells that maketh the man, so for Iron Man we’re presuming it’s a mix of sweat and WD40.

There’s the general BS of what ingredients have gone into them; notes of sandalwood with hints of lime, for instance, but we don’t think you’re going to admit to wear SMASH!, the fragrance inspired by The Incredible Hulk. You do want to get your end away don’t you?

You can buy Patriot (Captain America, duh), Mark VII (Iron Man), SMASH! (Incredible Hulk), Worthy (Thor), Mischief (Loki) and Infinity Formula (Nick Fury) from the Jads International website for much, much more money than they’re probably worth.

If smelling like a sweaty superhero isn’t your thing, then Jads also supplement a Star Trek inspired range of smells. Imagine how awesome everyone would think you were if you went into the office smelling like Sulu.

There’s also some perfumes for the ladies, but we’re still waiting for a She-Hulk and Dazzler inspired scent.

You know Shane Black don’t you? Scriptwriter of the first (and lest we forget, very good) Lethal Weapon (directed by Richard Donner, director of the original brilliant Superman), massively under-rated Last Boy Scout, Long Kiss Goodnight, director AND scriptwriter of utter geek-fest Kiss Kiss Bang Bang?

Well, he was all set to write and direct Iron Man 3 and everything was going to be LITERALLY brilliant. Reports now are that he’s just been demoted from scriptwriting and directing duties on Iron Man 3 and will only direct instead.

Which is like demoting James Bond to an office-administrator.

And the scriptwriting now falls to Drew Pearce, whose glittering credits include working on long-deceased British breakfast show The Big Breakfast and painfully unfunny BBC3 sitcom How Not To Live Your Life.

The decision to take one of Hollywood’s most impressive, bankable and – if you care to look for it – interesting screenwriters off a major franchise seems an odd one, unless the producers are determined to rob the franchise of any sense of fun whatsoever and instead have Zig and Zag pop-up for a perplexing cameo.

Heaven forbid anyone write something interesting, such as Tony Stark’s alcoholism as explored in the original comics.

Any of the eleven people out there (excluding myself, making up twelve) who saw how well Robert Downey Jr. responded to the writing and direction of Black in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang will now realise that Iron Man 3 will be even weaker than Iron Man 2 now that Black has had his teeth removed, making John Favreau’s castrated sequel look like a tour-de-force.

And anyone – such as myself – interested in seeing their young son punch the air saying “YES” at a key moment in a superhero film as he did during the first Iron Man can probably now look elsewhere.

Which is retarded, as that is EXACTLY THE POINT of films like this.

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It was a straight battle of the heroes in this week’s weekend box office. In one corner there was Iron Man.

In the other, Robin Hood. In the other, if we’re being thorough, there’s the Amanda Seyfried character from that new film about letter-writing that looks like it’ll be a load of old bollocks. Who’ll come out on top? Why, Iron Man of course.

It goes without saying that Iron Man 2 beat both Robin Hood and Letters To Juliet at the US weekend box office this week. After all, Iron Man is a flying robot playboy who can shoot lasers out of his hands. And, you know, Robin Hood is a fat bloke with an unspecified regional accent who kills people with little bits of wood and then splodges around in some mud. And Amanda Seyfried is just annoying, obviously.

Congratulations to Iron Man 2 for seeing off Robin Hood‘s weekend box office challenge. It’s not entirely unexpected, to be fair – for its flaws, Iron Man 2 is still a typical fun summertime blockbuster, with jokes and special effects and pretty girls killing baddies with their thighs. On the other hand Robin Hood isn’t particularly fun, contains no jokes, minimal special effects and a tubby man in rubbish clothes who can’t decide if he’s supposed to be Irish or Welsh. Here’s the US weekend box office top five…

1 - Iron Man 2 (Remember to stay in your seats until the end of the credits. Not because there’s a cool extra scene at the end, but because you’ll really annoy the people who want to leave because their lives aren’t as comprehensively empty and miserable as yours) $53,000,000

2 - Robin Hood (The worst film ever made, if only because it makes you slightly nostalgic for Kevin Costner. At least he had a consistent accent) $37,100,000

3 - Letters To Juliet (We haven’t seen this yet, nor do we plan to, but if at least one letter in this film doesn’t read ‘Dear Juliet, HURRY UP AND FINISH THIS SHIT-AWFUL EXCUSE FOR A FILM YOU AWFUL WITCH’ then we’ll be terribly disappointed) $13,700,000

4 - Just Wright (A film where Queen Latifah falls in love with Common and… oh, wait, we think we know why this could only get to number four now) $8,500,000

5 - How To Train Your Dragon (Oh, just die already) $5,100,000

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10 - You will have seen this a billion times already, but because it’s funny, here’s Adam Boulton going all boogaloo on live TV – WatchWithMothers

9 - Kittens + slides = the internet - BestWeekEver

8 - Would you like to see a lovely silk scarf? OK, here is a lovely silk scarf - Interestment

7 – The best picture of Britney Spears gazing mournfully into a mirror that any of you will ever see – AmyGrindhouse

6 - If you’ve ever wondered what Iron Man would look like if he was a gigantic lobster, you’ve come to exactly the right place – Geekologie

5 - Well this is hypnotising – Drawn

4 - Hey Charles Darwin, for the father of evolution, you really were a berk sometimes – Asylum

3 – Foodbeard.com. You really don’t need any more description than that – FoodBeard

2 - Shitmykidsruined.com. Ditto – Shitmykidsruined

1 - This is glorious. Just completely glorious…

Good times and bad times.

Folded:

• Tron Legacy teaser trailer (light cycles)
• Rude Boy by Rihanna (she’s finally made a decent track, and it’s a big bottom belter)
• Click (cool gadgetry stuff with TV’s greatest undiscovered presenter)
• New character posters for Kick-Ass (what do you mean you’re not excited? Get that way!)
• Rhod Gilbert’s Work Experience: Bin Man (watching mouthy Gilbert picking up crap is funnier than your might think)

Creased:

• New Iron Man 2 trailer (Transformers briefcase)
• Kristen Stewart (miserable cow)
• The Gadget Show (too much clowning around. Keep expecting the theme from Art Attack to come on)
• Police Academy remake on the way (no writer or director yet, so hopefully no chance of going into production either)
• The AMPAS (forgot Farrah Fawcett had died. Nice of them)

10 - Happy Monday! Here’s a distressing story about cannibalism! – Thesun

9 - Here’s a bewilderingly strong man – I Am Bored

8 – The single most awkward photo you will ever see in your lives – Popsugar

7 - Ten people who almost destroyed fun – Spike

6 - Mythbusters essentially destroys the world – KCRA

5 - Top 10 movie gimmicks – TIME

4 - Some babies in some buckets – Best Week Ever

3 - FLEA CIRCUS! - Darkroastedblend

2 - Want to make a boomerang out of firewood? OK! – Instructables

1 – They said it could never happen, but here it is - Iron Man Vs Bruce Lee…

Robert Downey Jr knows a good thing when he sees it – like handguns, lots of Class A drugs and movies directed by Guy Ritchie.

OK OK OK, so Robert Downey Jr doesn’t know a good thing when he sees it. Probably seven out of ten times he knows a good thing when actually he sees a rubbish thing. But Robert Downey Jr does know what things will make him richer than his wildest dreams, and he chases those things like a dog.

According to reports, Robert Downey Jr has signed a contract securing him to Iron Man 3 and an Avengers movie. This is particularly good news for anyone who, while enjoying the original Iron Man, really wants to see Iron Man get overtaken by an alien, grow an evil haircut and then dancing the Twist with Kirsten Dunst while cooking some eggs. For Superhero Law states that all of the above must happen in Iron Man 3.

Without a trace of uncertainty, we can definitely say that Iron Man was the best superhero movie of the summer, apart from that other one that everyone liked more. Definitely.

And because it was so successful, several new Iron Man movies are being lined up. There’s going to be Iron Man 2, where Don Cheadle will take the place of Terrence Howard, and that’s inevitably going to be followed up by Iron Man 3, where Don Cheadle will take the place of Gwyneth Paltrow, and then there’s going to be an Avengers movie, where Don Cheadle will take the place of the Incredible Hulk, Thor, Captain America, all the villains, all the extras, the director, the rest of the crew and everyone who goes to see it at the cinema.

But one role that Don Cheadle won’t be getting his hands on is the role of Iron Man. Robert Downey Jr has locked that mother down for history, as Variety reports:

Robert Downey Jr. is living up to his title as Marvel Studios‘ Iron Man. In addition to starring in “Iron Man 2,” Downey has agreed to return as billionaire Tony Stark and his crime-fighting alter ego in “The Avengers” and a third “Iron Man” installment, guaranteeing the thesp a superhero-sized payday and his own ongoing franchise as part of a four-picture deal with the comicbook company.

That’s wonderful news. We genuinely thought that Iron Man was a good wedge of stupid summer fun, and that’s a trend that’s bound to continue in Iron Man 2.

Then, obviously, Iron Man 3 will be such a stinking bloated corpse of a shit idea that everyone will start actively hating the franchise, and that in turn will kick off a relapse of Robert Downey Jr’s well-chronicled substance abuse problems, meaning that all the footage of him in The Avengers will have to be taken from the first three Iron Man movies and/or Chaplin because he’ll be an uncontrollable mess by that point.

But, hey, something to look forward to.

Christian Bale looks likely to get away with allegedly pushing his mum about, if he pleads guilty to assault.

The Welshman, who no one seems to realise is Welsh, has been recommended to receive a caution by the Crown Prosecution Service for his alleged actions, should he plead guilty to charges next month. If, however, he pleads not guilty then he could be looking at more severe penalties, all according to the bastion of truth, honour and glory that is The Sun newspaper.

Though, let’s be honest here – he probably wouldn’t be looking at any really severe charges. A fine, a slap on the wrist and a bruised ego, leaving the Baler ready to take on Terminator 4 and Batman 3. Unless the authorities were to decide on making an example of him and imprisoned him for life – alledgely pushing your mum and sister about is no laughing matter, after all.

Especially when they apparently want money from you.

Last month saw Christian Bale arrested on suspicion of assault, and while everyone went mental thinking the guy had beaten some evil-doers to death with their own shoes, we soon discovered it was allegedly for getting mad and pushing his family about a bit. Not that we condone that kind of behaviour, but it was a bit of a let-down.

He didn’t even do it in his Batman costume, allegedly.

After being released on bail, Bale bailed from the UK to get back to work. That sentence was pretty unnecessary, but hecklerspray enjoys using the same word three times in a row, so hush down.

Anyway, rumours were flung around about the reasons for the alleged assault, until it was generally accepted that the row came about over money. Being rich and all, Bale was apparently expected to give over a fair wodge of cash for his sister’s kids, simply for sharing blood ties with these people. And he allegedly wasn’t happy, so he apparently made his feelings clear with some shouting and a push.

He didn’t, as some had hoped, beat up his clown sister. In his Batman costume. While on fire. Upside down. Such a let-down, honestly.

And now, bringing this whole debacle to an end, hopefully, we are greeted with the news that the only thing that will befall Christian Bale – should he plead guilty to the alleged assault – is a caution. All this news, all this coverage, all the speculation over the ‘curse’ of The Dark Knight and he’s getting told ‘don’t do it again’.

Maybe Robert Downey Jr can provoke a better reaction from the Baler after his non-too flattering comments about Batman, and we can get some genuine controversy going. A fistfight. In public. With both actors in full costume.

It’s not like Iron Man or The Dark Knight need any more publicity, it’s just that we need something exciting to happen that isn’t death, attempted murder, countries getting invaded or some crap sporting event in a country where people don’t exactly enjoy what you would call ‘freedom’. You know – just to keep us going.

Please?

Iron Man has really beaten the odds – it’s now enjoying its second week on top of the weekend box office, despite the massive gamble involved in making it.

Not because it’s a B-list superhero movie with indie sensibilities starring a middle-aged recovering drug addict or anything, but because nobody really knew if big expensive blockbusters about flying robots who can blow shit up with arm missiles were all that popular.

Of course, Iron Man‘s biggest challenge will come during next week’s weekend box office – can it still cling onto the coveted number one slot in the face of a crappy-looking Narnia film starring that over-earnest big-toothed kid we couldn’t really stand in the last one? Only time will tell.

Iron Man has set an incredibly high watermark for the rest of this summer’s movies to follow. For two lots of US weekend box offices running, Iron Man has been head and shoulders above everything else. It’s already the biggest movie of the year by far, and the other tentpoles will have to hit extraordinarily hard to make as much of an impression.

But will they? Iron Man‘s biggest competition this summer comes from Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull – which is getting horrible early reviews – and the potentially death-scuppered The Dark Knight. Oh, and then there’s Sex And The City, but if a film about some annoying skinny women talking about penises beats a flying robot destructomovie, then we’re going into our bunker and never coming out again.

Here are this week’s US weekend box office top five…

1 - Iron Man (With Iron Man and the potentially huge hit Tropic Thunder under his belt for this summer, Robert Downey Jr has got the taste of success, and he’ll be sure to turn in blockbuster after blockbuster from now on, which is why you’ll soon be able to see him in a movie about a miserable homeless schizophrenic musician. Big time all the way, baby!) $50,500,000

2 - Speed Racer (Speed Racer was meant to be a number one movie, but it just couldn’t compete with Iron Man. Maybe it’s because of poor reviews, or maybe it’s because audiences were wary of being ripped off after two godawful Matrix sequels, or maybe nobody was too familiar with the Japanese cartoon that Speed Racer was based on which, after seeing the trailer, we think was Super Joyful Epilepsy-Inducing Fun Seizure 100% Club) $20,210,000

3 - What Happens In Vegas (Apparently what happens in Vegas is that you marry Cameron Diaz and have a  number of hilarious attempts at separation. Weird, that, because we thought what happens in Vegas is that you go and see a rubbish Toni Braxton concert, lose all your money in a casino and spend the rest of your life spiralling into a desperate pit of wanton self-destruction and bitter loathing for your fellow man. Which is sort of the same thing) $20,000,000

4 – Made Of Honor (Not to be confused with Medal Of Honor, although god knows a squadron of rifle-toting Nazis would liven this bag of cocks up a bit) $7,6000,000

5 - Baby Mama (Still in the weekend box office top five after three weeks, even though we ran of things to say about it two weeks ago. Thanks Baby Mama. No, really) $5,766,000

Read more:

Weekend Box Office – Box Office Mojo

Life has been rough for Robert Downey, Jr, or ‘Downsey’ as he likes us to call him.

His life has been riddled with mistakes – drug abuse, incarceration, Gothika, public disgrace, dating Sarah Jessica Parker, singing a duet with Sting – and we’ve witnessed them all first hand.

So, for the first time ever since breakfast, Robert Downey Jr. openly talks about his past drug abuse, and does so with a nice vocabulary. He also talks about some other stuff, like a movie he’s in that’s coming out soon, or something.

Unless you’ve been trapped under a rock for the past ten years or so and just recently gnawed through your arm to become free, it’s no surprise to you that Robert Downey Jr. has been quite the drug abuser in the past.

Yeah, we know. But Robert Downey Jr. has chosen to tell us all about it for the trillionth time. We’ll listen because his dreamy, slightly burgeoning-y eyes captivate us every time, but he’d better check off another item on the celebrity scavenger hunt list soon, like join the celebrity DUI club. If he acts now, he can get the custom racial slur rant as a joining bonus.

Anyway, Robert Downey Jr. prattled on to PARADE magazine about how he did drugs for the first time when he was eight with his dad, dropped out of high school, and became wrapped up in the Hollywood shenanigans and drug abuse that it ultimately led to the demise of his seven year relationship with Sarah Jessica Parker. What the…? Why does the Mr. Ed theme music come on out of nowhere whenever her name comes up? Spooky. Anyway, let’s hear it straight form RDJ himself:

“I was so selfish,” he admits. “I liked to drink, and I had a drug problem, and that didn’t jibe with Sarah Jessica, because it is the furthest thing from what she is… I had very much this post-adolescent, faux nihilistic, punk-rock rebellious attitude. I thought my way was so much cooler than people who were actually building lives and careers. I was in love with Sarah Jessica and love clearly was not enough. I was meant to move on. And, after some heartache, she was meant to find her home with a great star.”

Um, yeah she did! She married Ferris Bueller, sucka! Robert Downey Jr. also talks about his career, and such:

“I went after Iron Man because Keanu Reeves got The Matrix, and Johnny Depp got Pirates,” he says. “I’m looking at all these posters of the movies I’ve seen with my son, and I’m thinking, ‘Damn! I could do that!’ “

However, the search for a decent script about a drunk, wobbly pirate who rebels against sentient machines to release the minds of humanity was more difficult than anticipated, so Robert Downey Jr took up the role as a Marvel Comics superhero in the upcoming movie released next month, Iron Man.

We’re very excited for our friend’s return to sobriety, and eagerly anticipate Iron Man despite the face that every third person we come across mumbly sings Black Sabbath’s Iron Man, but of course only knows a few words so its always Now the time is near du-du-du-du-du-du-du-nuh-nuh-nuh.

That’s okay. We’ll just think about Sarah Jessica Parker and the Mr. Ed music will drown them out.

Read more:

Robert Downey Jr. On Dating Sarah Jessica Parker, Parenting And Drug Use – Huffington Post