You may have thought recently “Whatever happened to Pat Sharp?” And then you may have remembered “Oh yeah, he’s on the radio. All the blinking time.”

But what about Melanie and Martina Grant, the twins from his legendary gameshow Fun House? Where are they? Well, they’re right here, along with Pat Sharp who we really can’t seem to get rid of. We’ve only flipping interviewed the three of them! At once!

What are Melanie and Martina doing now? Did they ever get it on with Pat Sharp? Did Pat Sharp base his haircut on Jesus? It’s all there, in video form, after the jump…

We caught up with Pat Sharp and the Fun House twins at the launch of 1 vs. 100 on Xbox LIVE.

1 vs. 100 is the latest innovative experience to come to Xbox LIVE and is a fully interactive version of the hit TV quiz show with real prizes to be won. Xbox LIVE is the ever expanding world of the best entertainment spanning HD movies, music and games, and connects you to your friends wherever they are, all via your Xbox 360 console.

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Can you guess which side Katie Price (or “Jordan” if you prefer her hooker name) being interviewed by Piers Morgan (or “Twat” if you prefer his real name) would fall into?

But what if we throw in the fact that poor Katie broke down in tears during the interview, making out as if she were the victim to Peter Andre’s evil ways?

Then it would be secret option three: you’re only hurting yourself and my god we wish Piers Morgan would just die.

In an interview set to air on the channel that knows not how to make good telly – ITV1 – Katie Price talks to Piers Morgan and… good god he’s a disgusting weasel of a man.

We mean, she’s bad enough and it isn’t like Peter Andre is much better – the man is a simpleton – but Piers Morgan? Honestly. Whelks have more appealing personalities than that gutterscum. He’s so much of a prat Jeremy Clarkson punched him in the face – when one of the biggest anuses on TV hits you, you know you’re doing something wrong.

Where were we?

Ah yes – so Peter and Katie split up, then there was some ruckus about who gets the kids, when they get them and blah blah blah then some other meticulously-managed PR-shit came about and lo, the two were still featured all over every magazine in the world.

It’s hard to care.

A source said some words which someone took down and eventually got said words to Digital Spy:

“Katie is fed up with the public backlash against her. Unfortunately though, her version of events is rather different to Pete’s.”

Let’s do some scientific-type study here then. Her version of events is probably different because she’s out on the lash all the time, getting her well-worn vagina out for all asunder and making new potholes in the street every time she drunkenly trips up.

Or at least that’s what we’d guess.

Katie Price may be a ridiculous-looking hag of a woman, Peter Andre may be… well – what is he, really? And as for the kids, well, they’re probably going to be messed up when they’re older, let’s be honest.

But Piers Morgan? Why, oh why…

Just the other day as we sat in the back seat – we decided we most definitely did not like the way our mother was driving. Most people would be content to sit back and go whichever way she turns the steering wheel – not us. We pulled her hair until she was parked smack in-font of a McDonald’s drive-thru window.

We inssurected her the same way that Benicio del Toro inssurects things in his 4 1/2 hour long Che movie, except with slightly less girly interview walk-outs.

Ernesto “Che” Guevara was the greatest Mexican military general of all time. Not only was he solely responsible for taking back Texas, Arizona and the entire top half of South America, but he also liked to tinker in his garage on things like spaceships, escalators and highly nutritional, camel-flavoured soup mixes. That doesn’t sound good, but we’re told it really was.

We know all this because we majored in Mexican history for over two dozen semesters. We were positively riveted the entire time.

The next time we’ll probably be riveted is last weekend, actually. That’s when Benicio del Toro’s Che movie apparently came out. To sum up the basic plot for you – the guy in front of us had to get up to pee three times because the freaking movie is over four hours long. We heard it was first made as a military tool – to be used for information-extraction at Guantanamo Bay.

We didn’t actually hear that. In fact, we haven’t even seen the movie. If we had, perhaps we’d be able to make more sense of Benicio del Toro’s weird interview stromp-out. The Washington Times reports:

“A controversial new biopic about Cuban revolutionary Ernesto “Che” Guevara is awakening old passions and provoking vigorous defenses and denunciations of the iconic revolutionary and – in the case of an interview with The Washington Times – a dramatic walkout.

“”I’m getting uncomfortable,” Benicio del Toro said after fielding a question about his new movie’s portrayal of the Bolivian and Cuban revolutions. “I’m done. I’m done, I hope you write whatever you want. I don’t give a damn.” With that, the Oscar-winning actor walked away, abruptly terminating an interview conducted late last week to discuss director Steven Soderbergh’s “Che.”"

What specific question sent del Toro through the door in unknown, but perhaps it was something like “Hey, are you guys gonna make the sequel about Timothy McVeigh?”

‘Of course not,’ the answer probably would have been. ‘McVeigh looks terrible on a t-shirt.’

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But that didn’t stop People this week. In its new issue, Kevin Federline has decided to open up for the first time about what ended his marriage to Britney Spears. Was it because Britney went barmy? Was it because Kevin Federline is a bloodsucking redneck? Ooh, we’re excited!

Anyway, it seems like Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have patched up their differences – Britney has even made sure she released her big comeback album to coincide with Kevin’s weird, parasitic little interview. Heartwarming!

It’s fair to say that Kevin Federline got the bum deal in his divorce from Britney Spears. Yes, Britney might have been the one who had a full-on psychiatric meltdown and literally ended up being slung into a padded cell against her wishes, but that meant that Kevin Federline had to look after the children they had. And those little buggers can swear!

What’s more, by being the primary carer for Sean Preston and Jayden James, Kevin Federline also found that the public’s perception of him was changing. Kevin was no longer the idle layabout with such epic delusions about his own talent that at one point he was literally writing the film of his own life, but something close to responsible parent who wants the best for his children.

And this made Kevin Federline angry. Responsible? Caring? That’s not who K-Fed is at all! So, to fight back and show the world that he’s still the same opportunistic, untrustworthy-looking cornrowed streak of yokel tosspiss that he’s always been, Kevin Federline has taken the biggest step available to him, short of re-releasing Popozao.

That’s right – Kevin Federline has decided to openly discuss the break-up of his marriage to Britney Spears for the first time on the same day that Britney’s new album is released in America. Oh, and he’s also done a photoshoot for the cover of the magazine carrying the interview co-starring the children that Britney isn’t allowed to see much of in case she has a psychiatric relapse and injures one of them. What a lovely man.

But, credit where credit’s due, in the interview Kevin Federline hasn’t simply taken the easy option and blamed Britney Spears for the break-up of their marriage. No, Kevin Federline has instead looked the situation dead in the eye and bravely and honestly pinned it all on his stupid kids. Kevin told People:

It’s hard enough to be in a marriage, and then have a kid, then kids, it changes everything. For me, I’d become more concerned with my children. Not that I ignored Britney, but my kids are always most important. I didn’t give her an ultimatum, but I was trying to work stuff out with her, and she didn’t even talk to me or anything and went behind my back and filed [for divorce]. [I was] completely blindsided.

OK, so he was blaming Britney Spears a bit as well as his kids. Sorry.

But, hey, at least we know what happened now. And maybe, now that he’s said his piece, Kevin Federline will slink away into the background again and it’ll be the last we hear from him. Apart from when Britney Spears decides to release the deluxe version of Circus in the middle of next year, because then he’ll obviously need to do another interview about how much of an unfit mother he thinks Britney is. He is only human, after all.

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And since the first two have already made William Shatner incredibly rich, it’s time for him to turn his attention onto the third – which explains why tonight sees the American premiere of Shatner’s Raw Nerve, a show where William Shatner will interview celebrities by utilising the unique crackpot, paranoid, ego-fuelled, screeching, insecure ranting that appears to have alienated him from everyone he’s ever met. So that’ll be fun.

Incidentally, if you don’t happen to live in America, or do live in America but don’t subscribe to the Bio Channel, you can get a taste of what Shatner’s Raw Nerve will be like by going into a pub on a weekday morning, poking an elderly habitual alcoholic with a stick and whispering the word ‘immigrants’ again and again until his face goes purple and he dies. Just a little heads-up, there.

William Shatner has been around for so long that you can neatly divide his career into handy little segments. Like the Star Trek segment, for instance. Or the post-Star Trek segment where he let the adulation go to his head until none of his former co-stars could stand to be around him. Or the segment where he started deliberately taking himself less seriously because he worked out that everyone thought he was a turd.

Or this new segment, where William Shatner has decided that he’s too old to pretend he’s not a turd any more and is quite happy to be a turd about whatever he likes all the time.

We’ve seen hints of Shatner’s resurgent turdiness recently – like when he threw a hissy fit because he couldn’t be in the new Star Trek movie, or when he launched into a confusing paranoid diatribe about not being invited to George Takei’s wedding – but now it’s time for William Shatner to rubberstamp this turdy segment into the history books.

And he’s decided to do this with Shatner’s Raw Nerve, a new show that starts tonight which seems to revolve around the notion that William Shatner will behave like a turd in front of other celebrities widely regarded to be turds of equal or greater value until they throw a turdy strop and reveal secrets about their lives. And, yes, we do wish we were making this up. Reuters reports:

In “Shatner’s Raw Nerve”, he will interview the likes of actors Jon Voight, Kelsey Grammer and Leonard Nimoy. Shatner said the weekly show allows him to discover an inner truth about each guest. As for his own raw nerves, the 77-year-old Shatner listed things that get under his skin. “We all have many, but choose a subject — onions, snakes, loneliness, fear of death.”

It might be easy to mock Shatner’s Raw Nerve for its bewildering premise, but really we should be praising William Shatner for making it – after all, by letting Jon Voight back on TV the show techincally qualifies as a charity.

And if it’s a success, who knows what will come after Shatner’s Raw Nerve – after all, Shatner’s Raw Nerve is already a follow-up to the wildly successful Shatner’s Inflamed Kidney, so here’s hoping that in the years to come we’ll get to see Shatner’s Dislocated Thumb, Shatner’s Obvious Wig or even, if we’re really lucky, Shatner’s Great Big Stupid Angry Fat Arse.

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That’s what Ashley Dupré did, and it’s been the making of her. Since being named as the prostitute who led to the downfall of former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, Ashley Dupré has become a megastar. She can’t even leave her house anymore without people recognising her and shouting encouraging messages like “I know you! You’re that whore!” and “Hey Little Miss Grubbyknickers! Here’s some money! Eat this!”

In fact Ashley Dupré is now so famous that she’s got her own episode of 20/20 coming up where she gets to reveal that she doesn’t feel responsible for Eliot Spitzer’s resignation, the emotions she experienced as the scandal unfolded and the way that she feels ‘connected’ to Eliot Spitzer’s wife – which we think might be code for crabs or syphilis or something, though we couldn’t say for certain.

We have to tip our hat to ABC at the moment. We don’t know how it’s doing it, but somehow it’s managing to find all the stories that everybody cared about half a year ago but don’t any more and give them all super-long documentaries for no apparent reason whatsoever. ABC, you deserve a medal.

Seriously, thanks to you we’ve learnt all about Peter Cook’s divorce from Christie Brinkley several months after it stopped being interesting, and we’ve learnt all about the pregnant man long after he stopped being even vaguely controversial – so what now? Oh, that whole ‘Eliot Spitzer banging a whore’ thing! Nobody’s thought about that since about April, so it must be time to drag it all out back into the open again, right?

Apparently so. Despite doing her best to lay low since being implicated in the vice ring that brought down New York Governor Eliot Spitzer by only being endlessly discussed by Donald Trump and appearing on a low-rent soft pornography DVD and almost getting her own TV show, Ashley Dupré has finally decided to break the silence that we’re told she’s apparently been keeping on a special edition of 20/20.

Perfect. This Ashley Dupré interview will have something for everyone, provided that a) you’re into the human interest side of political scandals, b) you’ve been in a coma since April and all of this still seems like news to you and c) prostitutes! Woo!

So what shocking and still completely newsworthy nuggets of fact does Ashley Dupré reveal in her 20/20 interview? ABC has more. And remember Ashley, extra points if you can phrase your answer in an unfortunate way:

Dupré told ABC News’ Diane Sawyer that she does not feel responsible for Spitzer’s downfall. “If it wasn’t me, it would have been someone else,” she said. “I was doing my job. I don’t feel that I brought him down.”

Very good. That was an impressively unfortunate way for a prostitute to discuss one of her clients. Full marks, Ashley.

But what of the future? Well, even though she’s so famous that she could probably live quite comfortably on a handful of blowjobs a year now, in the interview Ashley Dupré reveals that she has actually quit whoring to concentrate on establishing her singing career full-time.

It’s foolish for Ashley Dupré to want to switch from being a prostitute to being a pop star – the two professions are so far apart. After all, being a pop star involves brutal, near-constant degredation that saps your will to live and often leads to habitual drug use and grotty bunk-ups with middle-aged men who promise that they’ll help your career and… oh, wait.

Ashley Dupré’s going to be a brilliant pop star.

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The interview is to be broadcast tonight – a fact which has got Christie Brinkley into a flap. Christie Brinkley has tried to take a restraining order out against Peter Cook because he’s due to have their children this weekend, and she’s worried that he’ll spend that entire weekend showing them his interview.

But a judge has rejected the restraining order, partly because Peter Cook plans to take the children on a trip this weekend. But what Christie Brinkley doesn’t know is that the trip is to the television department of an electrical goods store, where the children will see their father explaining what a cold-hearted witch their mother is on 50 giant HDTV screens at once, and all in crystal-clear surround sound. Eat that, Uptown Girl!

What sort of a world do we live in when a divorced man who had extramarital sex with a teenager can’t even go on TV and whine that he only did it because his wife didn’t hug him without repercussions, eh?

It makes us feel for Peter Cook, it really does. True, his marriage to supermodel Christie Brinkley may have ended when he shagged an 18-year-old girl he met at a toyshop and then started spending $3,000 on porn a month, but that doesn’t mean he’s not allowed his own highly-publicised television interview where he blames Christie Brinkley for everything, does it?

That interview is broadcast tonight, and it already looks a doozy. Not least because Peter Cook gets to check his self-awareness at the door and try to explain to the world that he’s not a pervert, but also because there’s a bit in it where he tears up and calls all the stuff he’s been accused of “the elephant in the room for my kids” even though – if we were Peter Cook’s children – we’d quite like an elephant in the room to distract us from the mental image of our dad constantly beating himself off in front of the computer where we do our homework.

However, two people who won’t be watching Peter Cook’s Christie Brinkley interview are Brinkley children Sailor and Jack. The main reason that they won’t be watching the interview is because they’re young and all the close-up shots of Barbara Walters‘ nodding cadaverous head will scar them for life, but also because Peter Cook is taking them away on a trip tonight to keep them away from the interview.

That’s not good enough for Christie Brinkley, though. She’s already sent a screechy retaliatory statement about Peter Cook after news of the interview got out, but now she’s followed that up by filing a restraining order attempting to keep Peter Cook away from the children in case he decides to show them the interview anyway.

But it was all in vain, because a judge has rejected the restraining order, giving Peter Cook’s attorney the perfect opportunity to call Christie Brinkley a stinkybum poohead in the process, as E! Online reports:

“They wanted to suspend Cook’s visitation for this coming weekend because they had word that there was going to be an interview with Barbara Walters tomorrow evening with Mr. Cook, and they didn’t want the children exposed to that,” Cook’s attorney, James Winkler, tells E! News. “It was a silly application. Obviously, there are TVs all over the place, and Mr. Cook had no intention of exposing his children to any interview.”

Yes, those children are never going to find anything out about that interview at all, unless they happen to watch TV, read a book, pick up a magazine or look at anything on the internet in the next few weeks. Talk about lucky escapes!

Having said that, though, we’re glad that Christie Brinkley’s restraining order against Peter Cook was rejected. Peter Cook would clearly never dream of sitting his children down and make them watch his TV interview. Because, come on, that’d really bite into his wanking time, wouldn’t it.

Imagining that? Congratulations, you’re now Christie Brinkley. And now, Christie Brinkley, given that your ex-husband Peter Cook has just shown himself to be an egomanical attention-div of the highest order by writhing around in the gutter in front of the world like this, what’s the absolute last thing you should probably do?

That’s right – dive into the gutter with him. But that’s what Christie Brinkley has just done. Christie’s released a statement that further slags off Peter Cook, even though it’s basically just another reminder for her daughter that her parents are no longer capable of rational thought. The poor girl’s already called Sailor, for Christ’s sake. How much more do you want her to resent you?

Peter Cook is that rare breed – an egomaniac with no sense of insight whatsoever. Looking back, it was actually over two years ago that Christie Brinkley threw Peter Cook out for having it off with a teenager he met in a toyshop, and several months since the Christie Brinkley/ Peter Cook divorce was finalised.

Since then, given that the world is swamped with piles of brand new meaningless celebrity codswallop every day, memories of Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook’s messy break-up have faded. So when Peter Cook decided to bitch about Christie Brinkley to Barbara Walters this week, he made two profound mistakes:

1 - Because people don’t care about whatever tiny ephemeral thumbprint Peter Cook left on the world of celebrity, everyone had to think back to remember who Peter Cook actually is. And that made them realise that, oh, he’s the dirty little bugger who spends $3,000 a month on wanking paraphernalia. Urgh, dirty.

2 - Having reminded people that he’s the man who shagged a teenager and wanks a lot, going on TV to blame Christie Brinkley for all that made Peter Cook look like a sort of giant clueless fudgepot who lives so far up his own bottom that his mouth smells like oesophagus.

In fact, Peter Cook’s 20/20 interview seems like such an ill-advised trainwreck that it actually makes us almost respect Christie Brinkley, and given that she painted the nightmarishly awful artwork for Billy Joel’s River Of Dreams album, that’s something we never thought we’d hear ourselves say about the jumped-up hopeless goon.

In fact, all Christie Brinkley needed to do to come out of this muddle looking peachy-clean was keep her mouth shut. That’s literally all she needed to do. Rise above it. Be the better person. Accept dignified silence into her life. And so that’s what Christie Brinkley did.

For about five seconds, anyway. Then she got her lawyer to release this piece of moronic screech just so everyone could be certain that she’s just as much of an arsewedge as Peter Cook is:

“It is a measure of Peter Cook’s character that he has breached the confidentiality agreement that is in the divorce settlement and has sought to present this distorted one sided view of his marriage. Mr. Cook had his days in court, testified on his own behalf and ultimately agreed with the view of the children’s court appointed attorney and psychiatrist that the children should live principally with their mother and that she should be the sole custodial parent.”

It’s disappointing to see that Christie Brinkley has lowered herself to Peter Cook’s level by continuing to fling mud at each other in public like this, but at least they’re square now. This should be the end of it.

For about five seconds, anyway. At this rate we’ll be stunned if Peter Cook hasn’t released a six-volume autobiography entitled Mer Mer Mer Christie Brinkley Smells Like Badger Balls by the end of the day.

With that in mind, if we were Solange Knowles we’d get a little bit tetchy with people who compare us to Beyonce. No, more than that, we’d actually throw an embarrassing full-on sulky tantrum on television if someone even said the name ‘Beyonce’ within earshot of us. We would. We’d look like total bellends doing it, and it’d probably harm our career quite profoundly, but a little thing like that wouldn’t stop us.

Funnily enough it wouldn’t stop Solange Knowles either. A hapless presenter on a local Las Vegas Fox entertainment show happened to mention Beyonce’s name just before a Solange Knowles interview yesterday, and Solange threw an incredible schoolmarmish hoity toity “Mer mer mer” prissy little tantrum at her for it.

Video footage? Why of course there’s video footage…

Imagine living your whole life in Beyonce’s shadow. Literally. Imagine literally living your whole life in the actual shadow cast by Beyonce’s giant arse. Imagine dragging your vitamin D-sapped body to school every day, bones aching and muscles spasming, only to hear Beyonce inform everyone that they’re not ready for her jelly while at the same time your jelly’s gone a bit stale and plasticy because it was ready for ages but nobody wanted it. Imagine that. Imagine exactly that.

It’d be rubbish – and it’s precisely what Solange Knowles has had to put up with for years – which probably explains why Solange has turned into such a cow about it.

For those not in the know, Solange Knowles is Beyonce’s little sister. She’s an actress, but not as successful as Beyonce. She’s a singer, but not as successful as Beyonce. She’s a model, but… yeah, you guessed.

So when Solage Knowles does something of her own, she doesn’t want it crushed by an association with her more successful sister. That’s why, according to reports, Solange’s people banned the media from mentioning Beyonce’s name at any point during the promotion of her new album.

Which clearly didn’t get back to the presenter of the presenter of a local Las Vegas Fox entertainment show, who happened to mention the B word during an introduction to an interview with Solange. Want to know what Solange did? Of course you do – here you go…

Our favourite bit of that video isn’t the stroppy little tantrum, or the way that a producer had to wade in midway through to clear the mess up – it was the way that Solange Knowles instantly clicked back into PR mode afterwards, describing her new album in a flat robot monotone with all the fizz of a pensioner trying to sell a bag of dust to a hatstand. Superb stuff.

Solange apparently hasn’t issued an apology or an explanation regarding her little flare-up, but she doesn’t really have to – in fact, in Solange really wants to set herself apart from Beyonce, then she should probably do it by being as abruptly aggressive as she can to everyone she meets.

Alternatively she could try the whole ‘being wildly less successful than her sister’ angle. That works as well.

We know! Crazy, huh? It seems that Miley Cyrus has passed the ‘inappropriate exhibitionism’ stage of her development and has already reached the ‘lonely superstar isolation’ mark, as demonstrated by a recent interview where she did nothing but glumly reflect on how she wishes she could be a normal teenager.

That’s great – as we all know, the ‘lonely superstar isolation’ stage is always followed by either the ‘drug-fuelled career meltdown’ or the ‘buying a monkey and considering it to be your only friend’ stage. Which path will Miley Cyrus pick? We don’t care, so long as she promises not to take any more pictures of herself in the shower. We’ve just eaten, Miley. Honestly.

You always want what you haven’t got, isn’t that true? We, for example, really want the two things we don’t have – an iPhone and the ability to love. Seriously, can someone send us an iPhone?

It’s exactly the same for Miley Cyrus. On the surface Miley Cyrus has got everything she could possibly wish for – money, fame, a slightly creepy-looking father, the power to create widespread moral panic every time she displays a portion of her back – but deep down all Miley Cyrus wants is to be normal.

You know, the kind of normal where your friends aren’t all 35-year-old Disney publicists. The kind of normal where you can take as many inappropriate pictures of your underwear-clad body without them appearing all over the internet. The kind of normal where you work as hard as you can all your life and get passed over for promotion time and time again and you can’t stop daydreaming about throwing yourself off a cliff just so your family can use the life insurance money to buy themselves food. That’s the sort of normal that Miley Cyrus wants, damnit!

And on Good Morning America this morning, Miley Cyrus managed to reveal all about her weird desire to be normal. People reports:

“Sometimes I’m like, ‘Oh, I want to go to the mall,’ I’m thinking, ‘I’m totally gonna be fine and be able to shop around.’ It’s, like, okay, not a normal teenager, you know… when I go out and about, I’m like, ‘Okay, like I’m not in this normal life.’ It’s not a normal world… I don’t know if I could go back to, like, a normal life. I think it would be too hard.”

Yes, OK Miley. We get it. You’re not normal. Thanks for pointing that out as much as you just did. But, on behalf of all the normal people in the world, we’d like to take this opportunity to thank you for at least pretending that you want to be like us. We’ve never felt so cherished.

Actually, maybe we’re being a little unfair on Miley Cyrus here. As a child star, this life is all she’s ever known. Maybe she really does believe that it’s better to schlub your life away in a thankless, badly-paid mid-level job toiling for a giant faceless corporation.

And, who knows? Maybe it is. After all, as a 15-year-old megastar, Miley Cyrus is subject to pressures and demands that none of us could ever imagine. And don’t forget that her dad is Billy Ray Cyrus, after all. No wonder she wants out.

OK, we take that back. Nobody loves a president’s daughter. Nobody at all. In retrospect we probably should have said that presidents’ daughters are all kind of dickish. But that hasn’t stopped presidential hopeful Barack Obama from letting his two daughters – aged seven and 10 – get interviewed by Access Hollywood this week.

Except that Barack Obama wishes that the interview had never taken place. Barack Obama thinks it’s wrong for children to be brought into a political arena. Politics should never adopt cute imagery that cynically tugs on the heartstrings of potential voters, Obama told Matt Lauer today while dressed as a teddy bear and dancing to On The Good Ship Lollipop before adding “I wuv you, Amewica.”

When you’re president of America, your family has a big say in your actions. Hillary Clinton, for example, used her tenure as first lady to push through various healthcare initiatives, while George W Bush happily admits that he only invaded Iraq because one of his children complained about a brown man who bought the last Rise & Shine muffin at Starbucks before she could get to it.

And, as a presidential nominee, Barack Obama is also letting his family dictate his actions to some extent. True, they’re only dictating the actions directly linked with shame and humiliation, but they still count.

All this week Access Hollywood is running a four-part interview with Barack Obama, his wife and his two daughters 10-year-old Malia and seven-year-old Sasha on such hot-button issues as why Barack Obama doesn’t like ice-cream and that one time when Barack Obama shook the hand of his daughter’s friend and everyone thought it was weird except for Barack Obama. Honestly.

On the scale of harmless to forcing your daughter to eat an infected hamburger in front of the national press, Barack Obama’s Access Hollywood interview is pretty unremarkable. However, that hasn’t stopped Obama from getting his knickers in a twist about it, elbowing his way onto the nearest TV show and giving the sort of deep, sincere apology you’d normally expect to hear from a repenting murderer in a church. MSNBC quotes:

“I think that we got carried away in the moment. We were having a birthday party, and everybody was laughing. And suddenly this thing cropped up. I didn’t catch it quickly enough. I was surprised by the attention it received. We wouldn’t do it again, and we won’t be doing it again.”

Barack Obama is absolutely right, of course – his daughters aren’t the ones running for public office and they don’t deserve to be judged by the same standards as their father.

Which is just as well, really, because those girls were a mess. Their diction was all over the place, there wasn’t nearly enough key phrase repetition or open but firm body gestures and whoever did their hair needs to be drowned in a lake. Awful children. No wonder Barack Obama doesn’t want them on TV again.

Can’t do it, can you? That’s because there are only two interesting things about Eva Mendes – her boobs and that time she went to rehab. And it’s a good job that Eva Mendes enjoys getting her boobs out so frequently, because she’s buggered if she’s telling us anything about rehab.

In the latest issue of Interview magazine, Eva Mendes has decided to ‘neither confirm nor deny’ rumours about why she checked into the Cirque Lodge rehab facility earlier this year. One rumour, possibly started by Eva herself, is that she only went to rehab to research a role. We’ll see how true that is once we’ve worked out whether her next film is about a dreary old self-absorbed tosspot ot not.

This is just a theory, but we’re starting to suspect that celebrities only go to rehab so that they can yammer on and on and on about that time they went to rehab for months and months afterwards.

And the best thing about this theory – other than it being undeniably true – is that the celebrities all have completely individual ways of it. Some apologise to fans on the internet, some quickly deny that anything was wrong with the in them first place, and if you’re really lucky you might get an explanation in the form of Lohan tit-semaphore.

But, anyway, the formula’s becoming so worn lately that we’re all getting a bit bored of having to listen to these egomaniac celebrities drawing attention to themselves by explaining why they ended up in rehab. So hats off to Eva Mendes – she’s decided to draw attention to herself by not explaining why she ended up in rehab.

Earlier this year you’ll remember that Eva Mendes suddenly went to rehab. It was a shock to hear about, because usually the only celebrities who go to rehab are the ones with out of control personalities, as opposed to no discernible personalities whatsoever.

But why did Eva Mendes go to rehab? Was it personal problems, as the official statement suggested at the time? Substance abuse problems? An addiction to starring in bad Nicolas Cage films? Well guess what – you’re never going to know. Eva Mendes is a notoriously private person and she dislikes revealing anything about herself, as she told Interview magazine in the giant interview that accompanied the enormous close-up covershoot she did for it:

“There are so many lies out there regarding my recent trip to Cirque Lodge. But I don’t care what people think. I just don’t care. So I will neither confirm or deny… You want it to be a lie, because when it’s true, that’s when I’d be like, ‘Oh, my God!’ It’s time to rethink who’s in your circle, because stuff got out.”

What? That’s no fun! Come on Eva Mendes, either confirm or deny that you went to rehab! We need to know, because we’ve invested in your career as an actress, and if you’re not honest with us we’ll be less inclined to believe your portrayal of Lead Generic Latina Slapper in whatever the hell your next film is. It’s your duty!

It’s not a scrawny wife or badly-named children – there are plenty of people like that across the country. Instead it’s a shed full of money that he’s made via creating music that wants to make you open the curtains and screaming out loud” hello world, how ya doing?” .

He may need a bigger shed to stash his money in as Coldplay have only gone and sold a bucketful of copies of their new album Viva La Veda. Maybe people have stopped downloading illegally, or the local Chinese man didn’t have any dodgy copies ready when we last saw him in the pub.

To flog records, you need to promote it. Chris Martin and the drummer stopped by to the Radio 4 show Front Row to do this. Only it didn’t go that smoothly.

It has to be said, doing endless interviews can get slightly boring and repetitive. In order to stop doing the same thing again and again, interview discs are knocked up, featuring pre-recorded questions and answers.

These are then shipped off to crap local radio DJs, who then lie and pretend they were graced by someone more famous then the person who just got kicked out of Big Brother.

But for high profile publicity jaunts, it needs to be done live, or if time isn’t on your side, pre-recorded. This happened with the Front Row program. Now, let’s get one thing clear. At Radio 4, they don’t make jokes about poo like hecklerspray does.

The station is pretty high brow and won’t ask questions like: “Do you marmie?” , “When did you last vomit up your insides?”, or “What do you want written on your gravestone“.

No, Radio 4 are much more mature then hecklerspray and it probably explains why we never got an interview slot with them.

Coldplay’s new album is called Viva La Veda and kind of conjures up images of war, fighting and other military stuff. Not exactly fun and thrilling. If you notice, the artwork for the album also reflects this. So, it would seem fairly obvious that clever journalistic folk may pick up on this and ask questions? To us, yes but to Chris Martin, no.

According to the BBC :

“Presenter Wilson questioned whether the new album – full title, Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends – was a morbid reflection of the band’s lyrical obsession with death.”

Not really a hard question to answer, but like a timid school boy, Martin asked to be excused because “he wasn’t enjoying” himself and not because he was bursting for a piss. Poor Chris, it must be so different from Jo Whiley on Radio 1 not kissing your arse and worshiping at your eco-friendly carbon neutral feet.

Maybe Radio 4 should have been a bit more like Radio 1 and presented questions to him in text form: “Y ave u kaled ur nu album Viva La Veda? I tink ur h0t Criz”. Lessons learnt for next time.

While Coldplay can’t escape the death references on their album, they should have probably commissioned artwork that didn’t tie into this concept. Maybe a lady with her legs spread open. Not only is it “controversial” but it may prove they have some balls [Coldplay not the lady].

To hear Chris Martin being a total twat, follow the link!

Read More:

Martin Walks Out Of BBC Interview – BBC

The only decent look inside her that we have had so far taught us little more than the fact that a vagina should really only be viewed in the cordial context of the bedroom, otherwise they can look quite menacing and no matter how hard you look at it, this particular insight was not quite wide enough to see through to her inner-soul.

But those days of mystery are now behind us, because Christa D’Souza of The Sunday Times has given Lindsay the interview of her life. We double dare you to not read on.

So then guys, is Lindsay Lohan engaged to DJ Samantha Ronson? Is Lindsay Lohan a lesbian? Will she ever finally disappear? Christa D’Souza doesn’t find out any of this, which begs the question: What is the point of Christa D’Souza?

Instead, Christa D’Souza asks things like: what address-book cover do you have? to which Lindsay replies: Smythson. I love Smythson.

See what we mean about insights? One minute you know nothing about a person and the next minute along comes Christa D’Souza and suddenly you learn not only what kind of address book cover the person has, but also that address-book covers exist. The truth shall set you free, so lets have some more:

Christa D’Souza asks: What is your favourite designer label? Lindsay Lohan says: Balenciaga. Hecklerspray wonders: who could possibly give a shit?

Christa D’Souza asks: But what about Dolce and Gabbana? Lindsay Lohan says: Omigod, they’re such good people to be around, And the way their dresses fit. If I get married, I would definitely want them to do the gown. Hecklerspray wonders: Is this why Paul Scholes never does post-match interviews; because he has nothing of any interest to say? A lot of you ask: Who is this Paul Scholes and why do you keep using him in reference to Lindsay Lohan? Hecklerspray says: Fair point.

The interview takes place in the outdoor café of a photo studio off Melrose Avenue in – coolest city in the world – Los Angeles. Lindsay is with a small entourage, which includes a chap named Lorit, who is Lindsay’s ‘personal spray-tanner’.

There are no words.

At one point Christa D’Souza actually says:

Let us not forget one small fact. Lohan can actually act, as anybody who saw her in The Parent Trap, Mean Girls, Freaky Friday or even the widely panned Georgia Rule, would surely have to agree.

We know. We know. The world is fucking weird. To which Lindsay replies, no doubt shocked out of her skull:

Well, thank you, that’s nice, because that’s what I do: I act. That’s what I’ve done since I was seven. People seem to lose sight of that. They skim over it, they’re more interested in seeing a picture of me slipping in the rain, which I did last night, and someone got a picture . . .(at his point Lindsay gets distracted and turns to her friend, Jeni) Are you going to have some cheesecake? Ya are? Okay, gimme some too. But with just a little whipped cream, okay?

Yep, that made it into the interview. If you are interested in more stuff like this than either follow the link below or find the nearest rifle, pretend you are Lindsay Lohan and the barrel is Callum Best’s dirty-fudgestick, apologise to God for being a moron and plaster the walls around you with your useless brain/skull juice.

Read More – Lindsay Lohan talks about her troubled life – The Sunday Times

But still, aside from getting hammered on booze and driving around in an irresponsible fashion, it’s almost as if Caprice has disappeared off the face of the Earth. That’s a shame, because we were really keen to find out who she considers to be her style icons. And now we’ll never find out, so we may as just bloody well kill ourselves.

Except, wait, no – OSOYOU has somehow managed to track Caprice down. Rumour has it they found her living in a cave in a faraway forest where she’s grown a full-length beard, is married to a feral mountain goat and exists purely on a diet of raw bat guano. And thanks to this remarkable discovery, we’re finally able to read what Caprice’s top style tips are. Nice to have to back, Caprice.

Read more:

Caprice Interview – OSOYOU