Guess what?! It’s nearly February 8th! What does that mean? Well, that date marks the three-year anniversary of Chris Brown punching ten shades out of his then-girlfriend Rihanna! Ain’t that grand? It really is. The whole world came together like knuckles on eye-socket on that day.

And there’s more!

See, despite previously being forcibly separated by a court order, RiRi and Breezy (honestly, what is it with these nicknames? Are they 10 years old or something?) could be seeing in the anniversary together as multiple sources confirm that the pair have been secretly been (right) hooking up for nearly a year!

Apparently, the pair “meet up very casually,” (whatever that means) according to a Brown confidante.

“She comes to see him anytime she’s in L.A.”

“They can’t get enough of each other. I don’t see it ending well. Rihanna loves to live dangerously, and talking to and hooking up with Chris is all part of that”

To be honest, we’re thoroughly sick of the sight of Rihanna (seriously – three new singles out every 5 minutes and billions of pointless column inches about her supposedly edgy, risque sex life. WE’RE TIRED NOW) and Chris Brown is, well, famous despite a lack of decent music and a alarmingly quick temper.

And when Breezy isn’t trying to throw chairs through a window while tearing his shirt off like Hulk at a TV station, this clandestine Rihanna business is complicated further by the fact Brown seems to have a girlfriend by the name of Karrueche Tran.

Shrieking hysterically, Breezy rep says:

“He and Rihanna are just friends. He’s not cheating!”

As Shakespeare once said, the well-paid representative doth protest too much.

Either way, this kicks the door open in a wife-beater vest for a swarm of Team Breezy (fans of Chris Brown if you’re wondering)  to scream and yell the place down, demanding forgiveness for a man who has systematically failed to apologise for assaulting a woman.

Oh dear. Poor ol’ Chris Brown has got his boxing gloves in a twist. See, he doesn’t like people asking him about the terrible things he’s done in the past. The last time someone broached the topic of him punching Rihanna, he tore his shirt off and threw a chair at a window.

And so, instead of addressing the issues and maybe saying sorry, showing that he’s grown up and wants to move on, he’s decided to go with another tactic.

In 2012, Chris Brown has announced there will be a ban on all interviews. That’s right. Tired of people pointing out you’re an idiot? Then stick your fingers in your ears for a whole calendar year and laughably suggest that you should be judge solely on your ‘talent’.

Tina Davis, Breezy’s manager, told Billboard magazine it was to…

“not have him do interviews but to concentrate on performing and recording”

“We’re not trying to be rude, selfish or disrespectful to anyone in any way. If people are going to judge anything, judge him for his talent. He signed up to sing and entertain. Not to talk about his personal life.”

Jesus wept.

We can now focus entirely on his awful, awful music without being distracted by his knuckles, quick-temper and pea-brain. Basically, we’re all being asked to dump our ire in one spot, as opposed to spreading it into two places.

We can absolutely assume that Brown will not be able to keep himself away from twitter though, so we’ll still have ammo to fire at him (unless of course, he gets all his correspondence vetted by his team first, which isn’t out of the realms of possibility).

Basically, this unswerving dimwit will balls this up somehow because he is completely unable to stop himself from wandering into trouble.

Remember the last time he let his hands do his talking instead of his mouth?

Bugger. A new year is nearly upon us which means award ceremonies will soon be in full swing. February will see Adele win every award she’s nominated for at The Brits because quantity of sales rules over quality of music these days.

The Brit awards are so dull that the most mind shattering event to have ever happened was when Labour politician John Prescott got a bucket of ice water tipped over him. Imagine if he’d froze to death or got his suit ruined?

For real controversy, you can always count on America. Back in 2009, Rihanna and Chris Brown were scheduled to individually perform at the Grammys, the only ceremony in the world where people honour country & western music. Sadly for Rihanna, Chris Brown got a little excited about the evening ahead and started fist bumping her repeatedly in the face. But hey, that happened years ago and it seems the organisers of the Grammys have completely forgotten this.

It’s hard to work out why anyone, apart from boxers, needs to use their fists for work purposes. Perhaps Chris Brown had convinced a record label executive that he should be allowed near a studio again, so he could record a poxy album for members of Team Breezy to go nuts over. At least it’s refreshing to see the gap in the market left by Michael Jackson fans is being filled by a new brand of hardcore extremists.

Once again, it shows that the world of showbiz is a much more forgiving place than the grim world the majority of people live in. When the Grammys come, you’ll see a large room that’ll be full of people who’ve committed all sorts of illicit activities’ from pro-sportsmen, actors and musicians. They’d still be applauded because they’re famous. Stick them in a rough council estate in Hull and soon good old fashioned public justice would quickly deflate a lot of egos.

It seems that, despite Chris Brown’s brutality rearranging somebody’s face, this hasn’t stopped him from being nominated for a number of awards. Just like all other artists in Brown’s genre, we can assume that he sang about issues such as bling, bitches, fast cars and his mega sized crib. But not why he posted photos of his penis on the internet. We’ve been told he’s up for:

“Best R&B album, best rap performance and best rap song.”

Because Rihanna is either upsetting Irish farmers or releasing a new single every other hour, she’s never been out of the world of music and has been nominated for best pop vocal album, album of the year amongst others. How’s it going to work at the Grammys? After only receiving community service work, there were other stipulations placed upon him which ordered him to have:

“No contact with Rihanna, barring him from appearing in any venue as she, and effectively banning him from awards ceremonies at which she appeared.”

But remember, Rihanna is all edgy and in your face. She’d change her middle name to danger if she could. Back in February she modified the restraining order so that:

“The two could be in the same room.”

We can only expect small talk over at the fondue stand or more realistically, anger from Chris Brown when Rihanna takes the cocktail sausage from under his nose at the buffet. Let’s hope the rumours that they’re sexting each other again aren’t true.

Imagine being Courtney Love for a second. Imagine, if you can, what it must be like to be that mental. Try and picture the look on people’s faces are you haul your bizarre face around the streets of the world. Just think, how brilliant it must be to be so deluded that you carry all this off thinking you’re brilliant!

All this, despite the fact you’ve never made a decent record in your life, got your child taken off you for being an outrageous smack-head, fallen out with your deceased husband’s friends (who you were accused of killing in a film) and now, being ignored by your own daughter.

AND NOW SHE MIGHT BE HOMELESS! That’s right, our Courtney – as we previously reported – was involved in a fire at her New York City apartment. Trouble is now knocking on her charred door.

See, the owner of the luxury NYC townhouse Love rents is under the assumption that SHE set the place on fire and, if it isn’t too much trouble, could she get out of the house, LIKE NOW.

Wonder why the landlord would think that the infamously trouble-free Courtney Love had set her own house on fire?

According to the owner, the “landmark luxury 4-story townhouse in Manhattan’s West Village” was custom designed by a famous architect and interior designer and Love agreed not to mess with anything inside the place without permission.

However, the owner thinks that Love totally ignored that and started repainting the place and wallpapering over the “glazed hand-brushed walls.” That seems out of character for the notoriously sensible rock star.

Oh, let us not forget the fire.

The owner claims the local Fire Department responded to the torched curtains and bed linens, but, it’s thought that – thanks to burn marks throughout the gaff – there’s a chance the entire structure may have caught fire. You may let a tenant off for an accident, but not one you are claiming is $54,000 behind on rent.

Is the owner of the house a chuckling D. Grohl? Anyway, we’ve got a question: Couldn’t Kurt Cobain’s corpse actually BUY her a house of her own?

Here at hecklerspray, we like to interview people. It gives us the opportunity to show celebrities that we have the temerity to be more intelligent than they think we are and, of course, it gives us a chance to show you readers that we have the gall to be rude to someone’s face.

There’s no hiding behind a computer screen here.

And so, we got the chance to interview Andy Parsons – you’ll know him as the bloke with the baldy heid from Mock The Week won’t you? Well. We ballsed up.

Thing is, we love hating people. We were all set to be needlessly snarky with a stand-up comic off the tellybox. As usual, we jogged on the spot without any food in our belly for a hour before the interview, just to get the right level of hatred, weariness and anger at the entire world…

…and then Andy Parsons spoiled it all by being erudite, affable and smart. It just isn’t fair.

And so, the interview breezed along nicely, talking about the innate jealousy and competitiveness between comedians, rape jokes (Parsons, not a fan- Team ‘Spray, not a fan either), the miracle that is turning boredom into something funny and a whole lot more.

Parsons showed himself to be a rare thing in the comedy world – someone who actually listens to an interviewer. And how did we repay him? By not actually recording the interview.

You heard. We spoke to Andy Parsons for an hour and didn’t check whether our equipment was working properly, thereby ensuring that the greatest interview anyone has ever held (miles better than Frost/Nixon) was consigned to the ether.

You shoulda been there. It was amazing. It was enlightening. It would have absolutely changed your life for the better. Alas, our ineptitude will see to it that you remain as loathsome and plebbish as you ever were.

Sorry.

So, to rectify this with Parsons’ People (not a dance-troupe, but rather, the people who have patiently waited for us to fail in our interview-rescue attempts) sent us a pre-recorded interview he did with someone else. We normally charge for including people’s videos on these pages, but in this instance, this is the least we can do.

God, we’re idiots. Go and buy his ‘Gruntled’ DVD or something.

All industries are dominated by a few major players -  just look at the computer you’re using. It’ll either be a PC or a magical Mac that claims to aid you in ways you didn’t think existed. In the music world, different genres have varied leading individuals.

In the world of rap & hip-hop, there are plenty to pick from; ranging from Jay-Z, Nicki Minaj and Kanye. Remarkably, one person whose still has a career despite his woman punchingpast is Chris Brown.

Since his incident with Rihanna and other angry antics, it’s remarkably easy to make fun of Chris Brown and the rest of Team Breezy. Team Hecklerspreezy doesn’t mind being the crew to do just that. However, we’ve been alerted to a piece of satire that is amazing in a variety of ways. So stop reading our ropey sentences and watch Mac Lethal slay Chris Brown with some lyrical pancakes.

Actually, we’ve just realised that most people reading hecklerspray wouldn’t know the original song. So in the balance of fairness, here’s the original.

Though we advice you don’t listen for too long.

We don’t want you to suffer any anger bouts like Chris Brown does. Ten minutes with his music is enough to make you want to domestically violence one off on yourself.

Seriously. Listen.

As you’d expect, it’s a video with the same generic stuff going on. People popping their limbs aimlessly whilst cheaply hired models parade around in clothes that they won’t be able to keep at the end of the shoot.

Most shockingly, sunglasses are being worn inside by people. Automatically making them look like they require a guide dog.

But forget that, here’s what we all came to see:

Sometimes parody/satire videos can lose all of their wit after one play, but this is a genuinely funny video that not only rips the anus out of Chris Brown, but does so by altering the context in the most radical, unlikely and creative way.

If only all cookery shows and books were replaced by rappers instructed us how to make the perfect pastry with a rhyme accompanied by a dope beat.

Courtney Love’s mother-in-law doesn’t have a front door. She has black mold. Her sister-in-law is homeless. Meanwhile, Dave Grohl bought an Aston Martin last week. It’s an awful state of affairs isn’t it?

Of course, some of you may be wondering where this has come from. Well, these ‘facts’ have come from the oddly shaped mouth of Courtney herself who wants to point out what a dreadful rotter Dave Grohl is and how hard done to Courtney’s family are.

One question: Why doesn’t Courtney Love who, by her own admission earns ‘tons of money’, buy her mother-in-law a front door and put her sister up in one of her large houses? Either way, there’s some videos over the jump which show Courtney and her Hole fans enjoying some nice homophobia.

While playing a show in Brazil, one of the dimwitted throng (what other kind of throng could possibly pay money to go and watch Hole? Seriously. They’re the Nickelback of Grunge) decided to hoist up their Kurt Cobain t-shirt.

This saw Courtney having a tantrum (massive surprise), spouting off about how she was the one who married him, the one who carried his kid and, oddly, Cobain’s ghost. Of course, you could sympathise with her feeling so protective of her family if she wasn’t ever a junkie who lost custody of her child in the ’90s and in more recent years, publicly disowned her child for having thoughts of her own.

But she cares, maaaan.

Anyway, here’s rant number one, where she storms off stage, with not a care in the world for all those people who spent their hard-earned money on tickets for a Hole show.

While Courtney may not give two hoots about Hole fans finances, she certainly cares about Dave Grohl’s bank account. In a post-gig interview, she spits about how he’s got a Nirvana Inc. credit card (can we please have one? PLEASE? PRETTY PLEASE?) and how her family is destitute.

DESTITUTE.

Would it be trite to point out that Courtney Love who has acres of money could help these people out? Or, maybe, just maybe, she’s making them suffer because she’s selfishly making a point about Dave Grohl? Her beef with her corpse-husband’s former bandmate is far more important to her than buying a front door for her mother-in-law in winter, right?

Still, all that can go whistle because, to get Courtney back onstage, some shirtless bozo from her ranks waddled before the crowd and asked them to repeat the phrase…

“The Foo Fighters are gay.”

We can assume that this wasn’t meant to be a compliment, so it seems that Courtney Love is happy for her crew to say things like that and, more to the point, has such contempt for the homosexuals of the world that, using them as a slur is the only thing that will sufficiently attack Dave Grohl for her to feel loved enough to restart a gig.

Isn’t that nice? Isn’t Courtney Love a really, really pleasant woman?

Like all skiving media berks, we’ve been watching the Leveson inquiry all afternoon while simultaneously wondering whether it was ‘inquiry’ or ‘enquiry’ because we can never remember.

What’s this inquiry? Well, it’s about phone hacking and actual celebrity Steve Coogan was the star of this afternoon’s session.

In the session, he revealed some of the tactics used by news rooms to get stories on him, which of course, shocked us to our core until we remembered that we in turn, steal the stories of the tabloids and republish them here with crass jokes crowbarred in.

Anyway, we watched the footage from the inquiry and felt very illicit indeed. See, watching celebrities talk nakedly about their private lives is the broadsheet equivalent of seeing leaked nude photographs.

It’s the same titillation gland that gets tickled.

So what did Coogan say, for the benefit of those who can’t arse around all afternoon watching grainy webstreams of government doo-dah? Well, he told the inquiry that reporters have been through his rubbish bins while looking for “lurid” details of his private life.

And of course, the Alan Partridge creator had to dredge up the story that ran about him concerning Owen Wilson. Remember that? The papers pointed at Coogan and said that Wilson tried to commit suicide because of Coogan.

Coogan noted about the whole mucky business that some people entered a “Faustian pact” with the press but he had never sought fame and was actually a private person. He noted that the press themselves were akin to the “mafia”, as there’s no emotion in these actions as it’s all “just business”.

Naturally, you wind the papers up and there’ll be a comeback. Hugh Grant, inside the hearing, accused the Mail on Sunday of hacking his phone, so they retaliated by accusing the actor of “mendacious smears”. We strongly suspect that there’ll be mention of Divine Brown in the Mail at some point this week.

He stated:

“The reason other – for want of a better word ‘celebrities’ – don’t want to, is that they say they don’t have the stomach for it and fear what will happen.”

Lord Justice Leveson notes this line of thinking by saying witnesses might be put off raising their head above the parapet and criticising the way reporters behave, because it’s likely they’ll be attacked in print once they leave the witness box.

So why hasn’t Coogan done anything about it yet? Well, looking at the toothless PCC (Press Complaint Commission), he said:

“The main reason I didn’t do anything is because on balance, what you lose on the swings you gain on the roundabouts, if you complain you push the story forward and keep it up there in the newspapers.”

Wait. This is a bit serious isn’t it? BALLBAGS. SPUNK-O-WIG-POM. That better?

This is the second week of us throwing open the floodgates of the internet to you people. Seen something exciting, interesting, plain weird or even just funny enough to draw a snort of laughter from Christopher Biggins? Well, give Dep Ed Michael a shout and he’ll put them in here and allow people to bask in your browsing glory.

10. Oldie-but-a-goodie this week comes from @sianrosanna. It’s Cake Wrecks.

9. Here’s a good old BBC show by Jonathan Meades in which he goes around Scotland’s football towns. The ones that wouldn’t show up on a Sat Nav.

8. @CheShA knows as well as we do that you all want to see Captain Kirk’s masculine fighting style. Why not learn it yourself?

7. Baseball! Everyone’s heard of it, thanks to Kevin Costner’s awareness-raising film ‘Field Of Dreams’ but what’s it actually all about? Who gives a flying spanner? @_Cabble found this video of the World Series logo flying out of an umpire’s arse. BEAT THAT, CRICKET!

6. You lot really adore kittens, don’t you? Is it their inability to grasp grammar or their cute, fuzzy faces? Who cares. @Janikakakaka sent in some kittens on album covers.

5. In what could be a confession, @jacksonliam sent us this story about a man that wants to spill his filthy man-seed in every Starbucks in New York. That’s 298 Starbucks.

4. @MelReeve told us about badly placed stickers. We can’t help but feel some of these may have been deliberate.

3. Life! Death! Top Tips! We can’t remember who sent us this but it’s bloody great.

2. Our favourite Republican nuthouse Herman Cain has gone on Jimmy Kimmel Live to say he hasn’t been touching women up. He didn’t. Republicans don’t believe it. It makes them horny.

1. A review of Immortals by @JM_Underwood. To be fair, he didn’t send this to us because that would be massively narcissistic and we don’t encourage that kind of nonsense here. We can’t ever show you it though. Because the film is so laughably terrible, John’s review was removed from the site under the terms of the embargo. Here at hecklerspray, we’re not bound by that embargo so we’d like to say, not only is Immortals a terrible film but we demand justice for John’s review.

From now on, Webthump will be a collection of the best things that you, yes you, the readers have found on the internet. Exciting stuff!

All you have to do to get your name in lights is tweet the best thing you’ve seen on the internet recently at our scumbag deputy ed Michael (@GreatCollapso). It’s as simple as that.

Let’s get started then, shall we?

10. Ever wondered what Suri Cruise thinks of the world of fashion? Err… well… you can find out here. (Thanks to @sianrosanna)

9. The cast & crew of Doctor Who do I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles) by The Proclaimers. We desperately wanted to hate it but… y’know… (Cheers @zoefell)

8. Yes, that’s right folks, it’s another fucking cat video. In this one, a tiny ickle kitten has a nightmare. D’awwwwww. (Sent in by @Tasty_Face)

7. There’s a face… in a TESTICULAR TUMOUR?! (Uncertain thanks to @_Cabble)

6. Sure, Hallowe’en might be long gone but that doesn’t mean we can’t show you Pumpkin Zombies. (A?i?, @abitof)

5. Here’s a proposal for some kittens in an office or something. The internet fucking loves kittens. (via Some Chump)

4. David Thorne of 27b/6 just won’t stop tormenting poor ol’ Simon. It’s just like Ricky Gervais & Karl Pilkington. Only funny. (Sent in by @OrlaDoherty)

3. Are you a nob’ead? You might not be, it’s not really any of our business. Still, watch this video. (Much obliged, @CheShA)

2. Number two will forever be dedicated to Herman Cain until the day he either dies or takes over the world. The mad bastard has warned people to keep an eye on China- they might be developing nuclear weapons. (Danke schoen @thermoso)

1. Without a doubt, the current best thing on the internet is a spoof twitter account for Shippam’s Paste. Mmmmmmm tasty paste. (Tip of the hat to @RebeccaWho)

If you’re a Nirvana fan, chances are you’re so young it’s actually sickening. You were barely alive when he redecorated his garage with his brains and therefore, you’ve martyred him to the point he can do no wrong.

You’ve probably got into Riot Grrrl too, despite the fact it was a scene that lasted all of about 30 seconds and was filled with some gaspingly average rock bands. WITH A MANDATE THOUGH.

And so, because you’ll never get close to a scene that has long died, you’ve invariably harboured some stupid fantasy about getting with Frances Bean Cobain. Courtney Love looks like too much work and it isn’t exactly cool hipster points to like Dave Grohl because he’s enjoying being a stadium rock star. Sadly for you jerks, you’ll never get to have sex with Frances Bean, thanks to some rumours that are floating around.

Basically, aside from the fact she’s an incredibly wealthy rock-offspring, thereby something of a deluded idiot who is about as down-to-earth as a cult leader, Frances won’t be having sex with you ever, because she’s apparently got engaged to her rocker boyfriend, Isaiah Silva.

Who? He’s in The Rambles. Nope. Us neither. We suspect they’re utterly, utterly awful jangly indie-gash.

No matter though. Frances Bean is in LURVE and she’s totally getting married, so that’s you out of the equation. This, of course, is according to some unnamed source in some terrible gossip rag.

That said, Frances and her boyfriend changed their relationship status on Facebook to engaged a few weeks ago. That’s if you believe that the accounts in question are actually theirs as they go under fake names – she goes by Frances Rachel Leigh Cook, him, Isaiah David Berkowitz-Cusack.

You’re all off to stalk them now, aren’t you?

Frances commented on her page:

“Getting to spend the rest of my life loving my best friend makes me the luckiest woman in the world.”

Not THAT lucky. Your dad is totally dead and your mum is completely batshit mental and posts naked pictures of herself on twitter.

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Kelsey Grammer is a magnificently dislikeable human being. Away from his fine role of Frasier, he supports some real crackpot ideas. He thought George Dubya was a cool guy for a kick-off. Of course, this means he’s nothing like his most famous televisual role.

And it seems that us plebians aren’t the only people who wish he was more like Frasier.

On Piers Morgan’s chatshow (another dolt with a face like a doleful yam), he asked Grammer whether he thought his ex-wife, Camille, married him because he was a TV icon. Kelsey replied: “no, I think she married me because I was Frasier.” He really doesn’t know what to do with those toss salad and scrambled eggs.

And so, what does Grammer think of his ex-wife? Is he nice and magnanimous?

Grammer also told the CNN host that his “parting gift” to his third wife was her role in the reality series “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.”

“Whether or not it worked well for her doesn’t matter. It was my way of saying, ‘Look, you always wanted to be famous. Here you go.’ “

And now, after three tumultuous marriages, The Man We Wish Was Frasier says he has at last found true love with his fourth wife, Kayte, who he met in an airport.

“There was a warmth, a glow about her that I was drawn to. And I thought, ‘Boy, I hope she’s on my flight.’ “

Presumably, she doesn’t mind that he’s a Republican. Yep. An actor in Hollywood who is openly right wing.

“I’m a bit of a rebel. I don’t tend to warm too well to people that tell me how I’m supposed to think. So, my life in Hollywood — I’m afraid I was destined to be a Republican.”

And those Tea Bagger nutjobs?

“I’m sympathetic to some of the principles, but I’m not sure that the tea party has behavioural problems, other than the ones that can be identified by people who are inimical to them.”

WAIT!

Hahaha! It doesn’t matter what he says because he sounds like Sideshow Bob! HAHAHAHA!

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If we were in charge of the Hip-Hop awards, we’d boil everything down to just one award which congratulated an artist for name checking themselves at least fifty times per song and rhyming words ridiculously fast.

But like any other dull awards ceremony, tedious trophies are given to anyone who wears an entire gold mine round their neck.

One of the most popular bucktoothed faces of modern hip-hop is none other than Chris Brown. Whilst repetitively hitting someone in the face would land the average person a long prison sentence, the opposite happened to our gormless friend.

It seems that fans of Chris Brown just love domestic abuse. We can only assume that “Team Breezy,” as they’re known, must have coined their name from the time Rihanna felt the full force of Chris Brown’s fists. Perhaps Brown punched her so hard it felt like a breezeblock was hitting her.

Music seemingly speaks louder than words with multiple awards being given to Chris Brown this week. Perhaps he threatened the judges unless he won.

Britain provides anyone who’s vaguely popular with a Brit Award and ignores all of the underground movements and genres that happen up and down the country. In America, it’s an official law that everyone has to listen to hip-hop, otherwise you’ll be suspected of being an immigrant who wants to bring nothing but pain, terror and torture to the obese citizens of the country that Uncle Sam founded.

It takes a lot to be a rap person. Thinking about it, there’s only Chris Brown, 50 Cent, Eminem, Jay-Zed, The Game and MC Scrot Bag who are making authentic rhythmic American poetry. So inevitably, the same people are going to win the awards they are nominated for.

But what did our wife beater friend Chris Brown win? Sadly, no award for biggest prick was announced for this year, but he did scoop the following:

Best Hip-Hop Video: Chris Brown feat. Busta Rhymes, “Look At Me Now”
Best Collaboration: Chris Brown feat. Busta Rhymes, “Look At Me Now”
People’s Champ Award: Chris Brown feat. Busta Rhymes, “Look at Me Now”

Now, we don’t often point out other peoples typos due to team hecklerspray writing most articles whilst under the influence of alcohol, deep fried food and narcotics, we have to point out that the “People’s Champ Award” should be the “People’s Chump Award.” Let’s remember that Chris Brown is the level headed dude who decided to run around with his shirt off whilst destroying the set of an American talkshow when questioned about the time his fists got a little bit excited with Rihanna’s face.

But hey, it’s okay, remember he committed his heinous act about two years ago, that makes him innocent! Therefore Chris Brown can pillage his way through more innocent people with a goofy faced smile and get away with everything, even though he never said sorry for his original attack.

Mel Gibson must wish he was Chris Brown.

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There aren’t many people out there who take Chris Brown’s past very seriously. Apparently, we should just forget all about the whole punching Rihanna in the face repeatedly and storming around a TV studio, shirtless, throwing chairs at windows.

It’s our fault. Not his. We should just let go. Despite the fact he hasn’t ever got around to actually saying sorry. That’s probably our fault as well.

And, in another move that’s probably our fault as well, Brown has been banned from entering the UK to perform at the ill-advised Michael Jackson tribute concert in Cardiff, because he has a criminal record from punching Rihanna in the face. Loads.

That’s right folks! Chris Brown thought it was a good idea to perform at the Michael Jackson tribute concert in Cardiff, which is timed perfectly to coincide with Dr Conrad Murray’s manslaughter trial and, of course, we don’t need to mention the vague tastelessness of performing for an alleged corpse child-botherer.

However, because he’s got his own chequered past, he’s been refused a work visa.

What’s so sad is that all of these events are our fault, not his. However, what is completely his own doing is the suggestion that… and you’ll love this… Chris would perform at the Michael Forever concert as a hologram.

Yes. A hologram.

However, US authorities decided against that as well, which certainly isn’t Chris Brown’s fault.

A source says:

“It would put a negative slant on the day. The family wants to make sure the show is a fitting tribute to Michael.”

Yeah. This Michael Forever show doesn’t need much help on that score. That’s not Chris Brown’s fault either. Poor, blameless Christopher Brown.

It seems he’s taking Michael’s place as Pop Martyr.

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Courtney Love is loving the fact that it’s 20 years since Nevermind got released. Why? It reminds her of the time when she could score bad drugs without worrying about cash and, of course, she gets to play victim over her husband’s unseemly suicide all over again.

And to celebrate the pain, Courtney has given a big ol’ interview with Vanity Fair, which is just great.

Of course, she talks about her relationship with Kurt Cobain (what about the other guys? Dave Grohl ain’t exactly a fan is he?) and all that junk… but more importantly, she talks about the fact that her relationship with her very much alive daughter – Frances Bean – isn’t exactly great. Wonder why?

Frances Bean has gone from being the baby with Diet Grrrl written on her belly to sometime model, where everyone is contractually obliged to notice any similarities between her and her famous father.

Along the way, she became estranged from her mum and we can’t think why.

Let us think. Her mum is a mental, attention-seeking, bug-eyed, botched plastic surgery drug goon who has slowly allowed her mind to slide into the sea amid a string of bad one-night stands with people like Evan Dando and Michael Stipe (if the rumours are to be believed, natch)… not to mention the whole posting of naked pictures of yourself online and ranting against everyone like they owe you something.

BUT WAIT!

Courtney has a theory about her damaged relationship with her daughter!

Love blames herself for this strained bond because she never read to Frances as a child or took her to a Broadway show.

Yeah. It’s probably that.

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