Well it’s been a high profile week for music what will all the sports happening and that. If you didn’t watch the kitten walk on the pitch in the football or MIA flip the proverbial bird in the Super Bowl then it really doesn’t matter because The Metro covers just about all of it in a much more elaborate and unnecessary way than the above sentence makes you think it might be worth.

The kitten doesn’t have a music video out, but we’re positive you can watch it singing on YouTube or, you can see it in your mind’s eye on ketamine; whatever takes your fancy really.

MIA on the other hand does have a video response out in antithesis to the popular Alexandra Burke song ‘Bad Boys’, which is nice for her. Shall we watch some new releases then?

MIA has opted to show us all her bad side in ‘Bad Girls’ which frankly we just never saw coming.

Warning. It features cars and a load of posing.

And not much worthwhile tune.

If you were bored enough to watch the above ‘short film’ from Roman Gavras, the director of “How can I make a short lived cultural criticism next?” then you will have noticed Maya wearing her shiny bra on the outside like a feminine version of Super Girl. She bad. It’s probably all political and about war and oil and greed and stuff, but MIA knows that’s way over all our heads so she decided to re-enact that scene from Sex And The City 2 where everyone in the Middle East dresses like a Western capitalist twat. She bad.

So what’s just happened right now is we’ve just watched nearly four entire minutes of our very first Alexandra Burke video. Yeah, she’s back which is probably not a coincidence, but more of an elephant in the room as she so candidly puts it on the song ‘Elephant.’ It’s all just a bit unfortunate really.

Brilliantly, you can’t embed the video yet, so if you want to actually see it after listening to that cod-club bilge, click here

We all just need to calm down a minute. You might think The Shins are a boring band and this video proves you 500 per cent right, but we’re still standing by them.

It could be captivating if you… no? Okay. Sorry. Moving on, we here at the ‘spray like to teach you, dear reader, stuff. Not how to read; we don’t want you to leave, but how to see in colour—it’s something they can do now with technology and stuff. Sadly OK GO got their first as per.

We know it’s for Big Bird and his friends on ‘the farm’ but hopefully now you will all see how OK GO are little more than a meme. Can we all move on from their 753 trick pony now?

Addendum- if you’re still helplessly trying to be relevant then you can watch the numerous parodies of Lana Del Ray that are being knocked together in studios across the world. One of them features her off of that film about the funny women and the other features the comedian not off of the funny film with the women, but does have some references to teenage literature.

We’ll let you decide what you want to do with that.

Pop promos! More of them! There’s always new music being made. This is, of course, a good thing. It’s also a really, truly awful thing. Some records come out and you just think ‘why did you bother?’

Fame and fortune await the few, for the majority will forever be destined to be loved by the faithful dozen who, regrettably for the bands concerned, are not good looking enough to warrant regular sex.

And so, here’s the new releases.

This is what the world of the singles chart looks like from inside a boredom vacuum, except that none of these songs will probably ever glance the chart.

You decide whether that’s a good or bad thing.

And you’ve probably heard of Cloud Nothings. They’re one of those bands that people talk about for the sake of tirelessly opening and closing their idiot faces. We think they probably liked ‘grunge’ when growing up and still wear stonewash jeans. However, unlike their grunge peers, this lot have already sold out to The Man, who is in this case, is Urban Outfitters.

Yes, that pretentiously bad video was something to do with the idea that ‘we want you all to think we’ve been to art school’, when really, it looks like that bad scene in Gladiator where they make Russell Crowe float through some corn fields and into Rome.

Speaking of ’90s revivalism, here’s a really crap advert signalling the return of Garbage.

Fighting the status quo of the cultural cataclysm that is New Boring is the one and only original Old Boring. That’s right! Feeder are back again with their impressively awful lyrics and archetypal quiet-loud dross.

Away from all that ninetiesness, the ‘Him’ of unpopular tweetards ‘She and Him’ has made some music. You want to hate it and why wouldn’t you? He wears sunglasses and suits and more importantly he’s friends with retro edition Barbie Zooey Deschanel.

Sadly he got someone infinitely cooler than himself, a man called Joe Trussell, to animate the video for him and it looks  just great.

Now sod off.

World events they’re fun aren’t they? Well no, not really, but hey at least you can now use IfIDie.net to record an ‘in-case of my accidentally on purpose death please avenge me to the bitter end’ video. Yes that a real thing now. Yes, it does seem like one of those fake adverts from Six Feet Under and yes it is the greatest use of video technology ever created.

We don’t know why bands even try anymore. They can’t even beat an advert for your own death. The 80’s, that’s what the music video was for, signifying an overabundance of crass ideologies, big hair, glittery outfits and the subjugation of women to the simple age when they were just ‘things’.

Did we mention the hair because that’s a pretty important part? Anyway, shall we look at the new releases?

Showing us all how not to do everything is the most boring non-member of Mumford and Sons Laura Marling.

She’s still whacking her hands against that stringed up tissue box and spitting slowly dying cats out of her face. So, obviously you might want to watch this on mute wherein you will transcend yourself and become one of those people who cites Russian Ballet as a hobby.

You scumbags.

If you like dancing, which as a nation we seem to do, then you will find this video exciting. Conforming to the aforementioned law that one of the vital elements for the success of a music video is the objectification of women, the people doing the dancing are of course women and they are of course wearing some unflattering black underwear, but underwear nonetheless; besides it’s black and we all know that means they want to have sex.

Probably with that snazzy man dancer who’s getting all up in their pelvic thrusts. Laura Marling-1, Feminism-0.

The Arctic Monkeys have gone back into the studio. Anybody?

Oh yeah Richard Hawley is there just in case you forgot they were local lads who love local things. Yes, we get it. You’re from Sheffield.

Breaking news coming in as we’re writing! The original Sugababes seem closer than ever to reforming according to one ardent twitter fan and thousands of unassuming idiots. Try not to break a sweat chasing this one round the rumour mill it’s only been a thousand years and a non-existent number of incarnations and counting.

Obviously you’ll be the first to receive a staggering endorsement of their new video from us if this ever happens. Regular service resuming in 5… 4… 3…

Yay The Red Hot Chili Peppers are still around and Anthony Kiedis still has the biggest dick in the business; everybody dance now! Well, you could, but someone decided to take the video offline thanks to copyright issues. WHAT A SHAME. All you’re missing is the usual turgid rubbish, complete with hair. Oh, there’s also a massive dog/penis allegory that’s being waved in the camera for three minutes.

The weekly metal music video to keep you in a state of habitual depression comes courtesy of Mastadon.

Metal can be sensual too is what this says. How? Well that’s a very good question, but here we state a case that it is through the innocence of a woman’s face. Metal-1, Feminism- -1.

Next week we’ll be ditching gender politics and solving the problems that are inherent within society due to the class system and economic policy so be sure to tune in for that and for the latest on what Mutya, Keisha, and the other one are doing.

Years ago, a smarter scribe than this wrote of ‘air-conditioner music’, which is to say, music stopped putting something into a room and instead, started trying to remove it. And removing everything out of a room, apart from the earless saps who buy it, is Lana Del Rey, the most tepid popstar in history.

She’s Dido, only NME approved.

And Lana doesn’t really like music. Why should she? She’s a spoiled little rich girl who doesn’t have to worry about striving to make great art or towering pop. In fact, so insincere is Del Rey that she’s constantly thinking about walking away from music. She simply can’t be bothered.

See, the scoop is that Del Rey almost quit singing two years ago. That’s because, for the first time in her life, she actually had to work hard for something. Multi-millionaire daddy couldn’t magic pop-stardom up for her overnight.

SHE WANTED A GOLDEN GOOSE DADDY!

After some unsuccessful attempts to break into the industry under a variety of guises, Lana became so disillusioned, she thought about giving up and doing something else.

She said:

“I definitely thought, ‘If it’s gonna be this hard I’m not gonna be a singer and have nothing.’ That would have bene fine, but it’s only in the last two years that I started getting tired.

“In my mind I was always thinking about [quitting singing]. I stopped playing shows. I definitely didn’t want to be a singer any more.”

Just think. All those people out there, still striving, who can’t function properly without music. Those brilliant oddballs who would have to toss a coin between air and music as most important. Lana Del Rey is not one of those. She thinks that music should lead to stardom, and stardom should be easy when you’ve got a privileged background and a face that everyone fancies.

Talking to the NME, she’s noted further that she’s not that bothered about music:

“In terms of being a pop star, it’s not something I’ve thought about for a long time now, because it was so long ago that I started.

“Even though I’ve been singing and writing again for two years, I haven’t been on the stage for 16 months. I don’t have to be a singer at all, it’s not the be all or end all anymore.”

Of course, she expects you to continue your hoovering up of all her records and tickets. She might not care, but you have to.

Sorry. You made your bland, tasteless, tuneless bed. You must now lie in it.

Why do people care about The Oscars? The winners get a lousy statue that resembles a gold-plated bottle of bubble bath with a screw top head. Hollywood has run out of ideas and has realised that the game is up, badly remaking Japanese films and adapting stupid books.

But Generation Yoof won’t care about classic cinema being revisited will they? They’ve got Skins back on their worthless TVs.

And, worse still, sixth form politicians and literature geeks will all be going weak at the knees as skag wuss and all-round pus-factory Pete Doherty looks to cash in with a documentary based on run of the mill indie act, The Libertines. We expect no highs, just lows.

For some reason, The Libertines made it big despite sounding like every other band that was hanging around on the circuit. Perhaps excitable teenagers liked the spaced-out, brown-tooth look that Pete Doherty gave off as he constantly wandered around on a concoction of bad drugs and worse booze.

The Libertines essentially proved themselves to be a band version of Eastenders as Doherty decided to break into band mate Carl Barat’s flat to steal from him. Eventually he spent some time inside a nasty prison, which we all had a laugh over.

As we’ve said before, he’s not the sharpest spoon in the drawer.

Frankly, we have no idea what this documentary is going to be about. After all, it does seem to be the worst trailer we’ve ever seen for anything. Waste a minute of your life below as the camera continues to zoom out until the very end. Go GCSE media skills!

If anyone ever sits down to watch “There Are No Innocent Bystanders,” is it just going to be nothing but a scrap book of images featuring some muffled words by the band? Is anyone going to be able to tell what plastic cockney Pete Doherty is saying throughout?

Or will it just be one giant mockery of their career when we see how all of the members squandered away the money they received to reunite for hipster central festival, Leeds & Reading?

“There Are No Innocent Bystanders” will only be available in all bad cinemas, DVD shops and torrent sites still. Don’t bother asking us when it’s out.

We’d love to tell you about the tragic things that have been happening this week, but we can’t get on Wikipedia because of some protest for some dumb law the stupid Americans are trying to enforce. We’d love to tell you what that law is, but you know we aren’t really all that knowledgeable about anything without the use of facts made up by people like you.

We do love it when the world wide web gets it’s knickers in a twist though and it seems like everyone is so we’re here to join in with our eloquently put words; FREE SPEECH IS WELL COOL.

In a tone more akin to what you’re used to seeing here we will now proceed to inform you about the abysmal endorsement of capitalism by Alex “absolute git hamper” James. You might recognise him as the bassist from Blur, or much more likely is that you’ve seen his name on a bag of pre-grated cheese in Asda. It all went downhill when they started slicing bread if you ask us. The once beacon of foppish country cool now hangs around with fellow swan-munchers Cameron and Clarkson sipping freshly juiced faecal matter from paper cups which they then use to muddy our big rotten society so it’s no surprise then to learn that he writes for The Sun now, obviously. Today he announced that he bums McDonalds—of course he calls it Maccy D’s—and Greggs, and KFC, and factory farming, and animal incest, and free love. Okay well maybe not the last one; nobody’s that sick.

Another man that’s a stinking Tory who is regurgitating his lower intestinal tract into words for us to read every day is Brian May, this nutter and his hair just blog instead of write songs, probably because years of brushing that mane have mangled his hands beyond repair.

Not enough though it seems to stop him from making some dreadful decisions.

Yes by dreadful decisions we are referring explicitly to working with The Splat In The Hat, Dappy.

It’s fine though guys – it’s hard to ruin a career when you can’t hear it behind the auto tune. This is what Dappy looks like when he’s living like a rockstar, which coincidentally is the name of the song and the only reason that Brian May is here. Well that and for some reason that he will take to his grave.

You can see the 24 year old sitting in a vacant swimming pool drawing tally marks and talking about Amy Winehouse and The 27 Club; which is absolutely the only reason why anyone will take notice of this dreadful song. Oh, respect to dead Fred as well Bri’.

Another stupid dead person is Jim Morrison and it seems his return isn’t friendly for the epileptics so, the afflicted might want to skip this dub butchery by Skrillex.

You can watch the video the actual promotional video here because some dufus didn’t put it on YouTube so we could embed it on this page. Concerning the video, to be fair to the friendly looking young man, this isn’t entirely his fault. Yes he quit his hardcore band to pursue a career as a DJ. Yes, he chose to remix The Doors. Yes, he forced the still barely alive members of the band to clap like robots. Yes, he is a terrible person. BUT it is something to do with a documentary and The Grammy’s in which the smarmy likes of Mark Ronson will remix songs from ‘traditional music’ they’re calling it Re:Generation and we’re calling it wrong. The live show looks thrilling though… if you’re into pollution of all senses that is.

Alas, it’s always a shame when a career doesn’t quite work out, it’s just so much hassle, but when you’ve been defeated it’s better to just cut your losses and move on. Santigold, clearly, is not a fan of this method. Yes, the woman who released a song nobody knows the name of an inordinate amount of years ago is back and she’s holding onto that multi-coloured childlike dearth of charisma with everything her scrawny frame will allow.

She probably drew the scenery and picked out those pleather shorts all by herself. She can probably cross the road by herself as well because she’s evidently still alive. Don’t you hate it when Santigold is still alive? It’s like if M.I.A if M.I.A wasn’t a bourgeois sign of the times for pretentious…Oh, well then.

For fans of: M.I.A.

All this bloody Lana Del Ray nonsense can bugger off back into the stupid void as well, she was never as good a singer as you wanted her to be and this whole SNL debacle isn’t as bad as you want it to be either so you can all bite your roguish tongues and cock right off. You know what was terrible about SNL? Daniel Radcliffe’s cardigan.

There was some more videos in store for you, but frankly we don’t want you to see them and instead will give you some Lionel Richie as punishment for your sins.

Hello from ant1mat3rie on Vimeo.

Okay so that was the best punishment ever huh?

Remember Suede? That’s right. They were a vaguely noisy band with an obsession with Bowie and women’s blouses. They were at the forefront of Britpop and, for the most part, Britpop was rubbish. So thanks for that.

Apparently, they’ll be making a comeback. Just great.

Of course, there’s a plethora of middle-aged men with pink faces who are just as thrilled as their velvet blazer wearing girlfriends who will be pleased about the return of one of the most average bands in existence! Dust down your Doc Martens now! Start brushing off your best Indie Nightclubs Of The 90s anecdotes now!

The band are going to release a new DVD Box Set of their comeback performance at the Royal Albert Hall on 24th March, a show that was described by Brett Anderson “The best gig ever.”

Or, if you prefer, ‘the gig I can remember best because I my head was completely inserted into my colon throughout the 90s.’

This new limited edition boxset (limited to THOUSANDS of copies, of course) contains a DVD of the entire concert featuring twenty-one dreadful, pompous, overblown songs about nothing, as well as thrilling backstage footage (Toilets! Dressing rooms! Team prayer! All in black and white no doubt!) and two audio CDs of the show and a grotty 48 page book.

There’ll also be specially written individual notes by all five band members and photos documenting the event.

This all signals the intent for Suede to make a comeback, just so fans can hear the most dreaded words on the nostalgia circuit: “This one’s from our new album…”

Apparently, Anderson says that, if the new material isn’t amazing, they won’t release it… not that this ever stopped them in the past.

Excuse us. We’ve got 8 litres of snakebite to puke up.

Christ, we’re starting this year as we mean to go on, which is by turning up very late, slightly drunk, and not really having anything to say. So it’s a lot like last year really, except people might be taking things more seriously because we could all be about to die if the Mayans have anything to do with anything.

Frankly after all this hype we’re pulling for them. You can’t have an evolved civilisation and not be right about the end of the world, things just don’t work like that.

Characteristically we’re apologising for not doing anything for a whole 12 days, but you know we did spend £6.50 on one whisky and we watched New Girl so the recovery period was catastrophic if we’re actually over it yet (we’re not). But don’t worry your revitalised little hearts because nobody has done any music videos. Well some people did, but they’re just rude. Clearly anyone who is anyone is sitting at home and tweeting their well wishes to Beyoncé for having a child and then calling it Blue Ivy not Ivy Blue—a controversial move by the woman who thought a man who picked the last letter of the alphabet for a name was daddy material.

Sometimes it pays to be rude, so here are some videos that reaffirm your faith in how much you hate people. And, what with 2012 being the year of starting sentences with ‘and’ because we dare to defy your English teachers, by people we mean The Arctic Monkeys who you completely forgot existed didn’t you? Well they’re still around and apparently they have an album called Suck It And See.

Did you learn? Did you learn all about how Matt Helders can rock orange as good as anyone bar the entire cast of Con Air? It’s a fairly okay song called ‘Black Treacle’ and there’s little more to add than that, so we shout instead…

Bloody hell! It appears that this year is the year of continuing promotion for albums that came out ages ago which is exactly why whiny gits Death Cab For Cutie have a new song out! As you might expect it’s a bit, you know, whiny.

Hey! What’s this? It’s an acronym and acronym’s are always pretty daunting especially when they say “V.E.N.O.M.” Just remember that these are some lovely young chaps from Leeds and not mass murderers and you’ll be fully equipped to see ‘young’ men expressing their emotions via rabies and tie dye.

But who cares about that, once you realise that The Scissor Sisters are back? Did any of you care? Now they might have been gone a few years (roughly a million) but that’s no excuse for embracing electronica and rap and then just forcing them to penetrate each other continuously for four minutes; especially when the song is loosely paedophilic.

Yep, that was the video, it was a lot of children gyrating intercut with some shots of old men. That was it. If you didn’t hate it enough already then the worst person to ever win the NME ‘Cool’ list sing on the track—hence it being tripe.

Some other bands have videos out too, including one called The Slowdown who aren’t The Wanted or One Direction, but manage to look like both and they have a song called ‘Sex’ but, like us, you probably can’t be arsed more than anything you’ve ever not been arsed about. You could though treat yourself and watch this:

It’s so lovely. It was pitched as a short film by a real director and has real actors in who have been in things you pretend not to have heard of and love like Lovejoy and Mrs Henderson Presents, it even has a real narrative. It’s like young love but with old people and death and Alzheimer’s and stuff which is weird because we don’t think the song sounds sad, but we didn’t listen to the lyrics or anything, do people still do that?

The blaring sound of happiness triumphing is overpowering these days, suppose it must be some sort of seasonal holiday that once again we have failed to understand, yet attempt to embrace by eating chocolates out of crassly wrapped boxes.

What do you guys get from this? All we get is fat which in turn makes us drink more which in turn makes us slip ever more down the spiral and so on and so forth into a new year—don’t even get us started on that ozone layer depleting holiday.

In a wildly ludicrous attempt to garner the attention and affection of you, the demanding public, we will be providing you with some sort of visual and audible spirit; we do also need to watch something fuzzy after having our insides bored out of breathing by the preciously twee trailer for The Hobbit. So here in all their glory are some music video delights showing us the true spirit of Christmas is a horrendous cover that won’t do anything for falling sales or loss of fame.

What says Christmas more than Michael Buble? Sorry about the lack of accent on his name. We’re just not actually that bothered.

Anyway, he’s just released what seems like his millionth Christmas album since the fall of Jesus and God and all those other biblical people.

Watch this and have fervently sweaty and pleasant dreams.

Okay. So that wasn’t exactly a music video, but it had the opportunity to be better than one because you essentially just watched ITV’s A Night In With Michael Buble – again sorry – in three minutes and if that’s not a gift this Christmas then what is? You heard the man talk about how he wants to be in homes all over the world, like the big guy himself, you saw his freakish mouth, his gigantic peni… love of Bing Crosby, and best of all you got to see the twinkly eyed fucker sing in the snow, on a stoop, under a tree, in a room, wearing coats, and scarves, and all manner of suitable attire.

He even admitted he’s going to force his undoubtedly hot wife into giving him children so he can make some more really, really boringly festive people. Great.

YouTube has just destroyed the collective insides of the world and made this writer implode by forcing an advert for Justin Bieber to be watched all the way through before watching one of his cutesy coma inducing videos. EURGH. That’s it Christmas is cancelled.

We have been led to too many Justin Bieber videos through this column. He’s just a young boy kissing a girl under the mistletoe asking her to love him—or something. We don’t even care.  It went straight to number one on the iTunes chart quelle surprise. If you approve of self-harm then you can totally watch him covering ‘Santa Baby’ with Mariah Carey, but we’re having nothing to do with that because we’re watching a Willow Smith video instead, it has fire, and Nicki Minaj so we’re definitely winning at life right now. On a side note—who dresses this girl and why are they obsessed with drag and Rihanna?

Don’t shout guys, but this isn’t a music video either because it’s Christmas and we’re giving you new things unlike anything you’ve seen or heard before which is exactly what this is.

Don’t say we didn’t warn you. You have Ellen Degeneres, your favourite lesbian chat show host shouting in her shrill voice, you have hipster dreamboat Zooey Deschanel and then M Ward who we have nothing to say about other than.

Yes together they are She & Him and they are docile and swell and all the qualities that make music really great for morphine addicts, which is why everyone in the audiences gets a copy of their album and then yelps!

Of course, the best thing that could possibly happen at Christmas is Scott Weiland. You might know who the drug addict is from his fairly famous ‘classic rock’ outfits Stone Temple Pilots and Velvet Revolver—he was the one making a dick out of himself. Well he’s only gone and brushed under the rug the fact he has released an album of Christmas covers and it’s the worst thing ever that we absolutely don’t want to ever stop thinking about.

Watch why The Verve were right about the drugs not working.

We’ve just broken ourselves.

Right. Well we’re shivering because it’s cold these days, but we hope you can manage to pick up the pieces enough to have a lovely Christmas and please don’t forget to leave your mice pies out for Michael.

As it gets closer and closer to the date of doom when we have to write either a boringly predictable end of year music video list or put together a collection of hideously glittery over the top festive themed videos that look like they were all filmed in the Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two studio the more often we start our day by exclaiming, “Christ,” which is, if you think about it, actually rather fitting.

After a hecklerspray piss-up last week in the home of no cash-machines and topless fighting children, or Newcastle if you will, we forgot all about the wonderful world of the music video and so this is being brought to you from haggard hands.

Not just any haggard hands though, festive haggard hands which we can surely all appreciate as we scoff brandy soaked cakes in our gasping mouths—don’t you just love Christmas?

Before the onslaught of seasonal spirit we present to you over the course of the next week here is an actual decent song by our favourite little Hip-Hop trio Das Racist.

The videos not very good, but just like them, it has swathes of charm.

Besides anyone who manages to make a Nirvana t-shirt look vaguely cool after the age of 14 is okay by us.

WATCH IT.

So, apparently there’s a band called Tripple Nipples and apparently they have a song called LSD which all sounds like it might be vaguely interesting and we’re going into this as blind as you are.

The still images are frankly terrifying though, so it’s a good start.

Well that sort of just happened didn’t it? When they say they like their LSD, you believe every syllable they yelp deranged and helplessly in your direction. At least they saved you the trouble of trying actual LSD because now listening to it is just as terrible as dropping it. Happy Christmas nightmares.

What is with this new phenomenon of the short film as music video? We just don’t get it. It’s depraved and is a blemish on the name of good short films everywhere, especially when it’s the likes of Duran Duran and that bloke from Oasis that are marketing their new careers with them. The average brain can’t handle more than about ten minutes at a time which is why we have dreaded advert breaks and we ladies and gents have a very average brain, not least when it comes to this dirge, you shouldn’t need an ad break in a music video—here’s looking at you Duran Duran.

Their star-studded music video for ‘Girl Panic!’ is nine minutes long and absolutely cocking annoying. You could watch the four minute version, but where’s the torture in that? If we’re watching Naomi Campbell, Helena Christensen, Cindy Crawford and some other underweight coke-addicts then we’re watching them in full unadulterated glory… RIGHT?

If you can even consider what it might be like to witness Naomi Campbell ‘acting’ as Simon Le Bon then you still have no idea of how despicable this is. Not only is more than half of it a simple rehashing of the glory days of the band so good they… PLEASE KILL US ALL RIGHT NOW.

This little slice of Euro-Dance has a polished and shiny video to match its audio. What it does also have in abundance is androgyny, you know, if that’s your thing.

HAPPY YULE BERKS.

This column is coming to you now because it’s Christmas and that’s a time of giving and moral empathy and we couldn’t not share our joyous life with you. None of these videos are real, we hope you realise that, they are mere clip shows of the fragments of our fabulously wealthy lives where nobody works and everybody has sexual encounters which disfigure their daily routine—which is exactly why Noel Gallagher is being streamed directly into your pelvis.

Except it’s not Christmas is it? It’s December effing the second! Which means there are many doors on your Lego Star Wars advent calendar to be opened before you get a lump of coal and many tireless hours of hearing ‘Fairytale of New York’, tediously throwing up mulled wine before your family sits around a cheap table not talking about how Daniel is on anti-psychotics and mummy cries herself to sleep at night after eating three bars of Galaxy from her secret chocolate box under the bed.

No, there won’t be any Christmas songs here – not until December 24^th when it’s okay to just post clips of Tim Allen.

Manchester has arguably always been a trendsetter in the world of musical cutting edgery. It has produced many famous bands, almost all of whom come from outside of Manchester.

Anyway, one man definitely from Manchester, Noel Gallagher has released a short film to accompany his High Flying Birds thing.

Ride The Tiger is a whole new calibre of music video because it’s… well… a really long thing that imagines America through the eyes of someone who has barely been outside of a tour-arranged hotel room, shot through Hipstamatic. Oh, and has Russell Brand stroking his penis everywhere.

Noel might be singing, “If I had a gun I’d shoot a hole into the sun,” but you’ll be wishing he’d shoot the hole in his mouth by the time he’s done.

Here. Watch it yourself, maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.

It’s hard to believe other music videos came out this week, but apparently life moves on. Not that there’s any point, but Tom Vek released a music video. ‘Someone Loves You’ is directed by a French man and thus is pretty, minimalist and oozes cool like everything Mr. Vek does.

Nothing happens, obviously, it’s just the best dressed man in music standing in a white room with the colour red moving around him in various different ways as he so pertinently says, “No fun, no fun,” where are the convertibles and the deserts and the diners huh Tom? Where are they?

We’ve heard so much about Slow Club and how they’re really interesting people who make good honest music, but until now, we had never bothered to look into this claim. Don’t worry though good readers, with the video for ‘If We’re Still Alive’, the duo have debunked all myths about being interesting et al.

Basically, they’ve made a video with live footage (WOW!) and, get this, seemingly the off-cuts of Noel’s cod-road movie.

There are no more music videos this week — Nicola Roberts doesn’t count. None. Zilch. Noel usurped them all into a big mass of massiveness and he’s not even sorry.

Next week we’ll be watching Liam Gallagher’s 40 minute western response video coming to you in the form of swears; if Carlsberg made music videos…

Phones are still being hacked, seriously?  That’s so twenty minutes ago. Hasn’t this Steve Coogan guy and some woman called Sienna Miller had their fifteen minutes? Someone told us that’s all we’re allowed and we intend to use ours for more than pissing and moaning.

We intend to use ours to inflict unflinching, often nauseating, assessments of society on you in the hope that one day we can better ourselves.

A woman who has made the world want to better themselves by being a complete and utter waste of living tissue is Florence, of the Machine fame.

Her despicable band has unleashed a new video upon us; it’s racist.  The song is ‘No Light, No Light’—good start Flo—and the video directed by some Icelandic folks is all about the glitzy lives of the white bourgeoisie, represented by the fire haired vixen herself Florence.  With overtones of British imperialism stabbing you in the face it’s hard to pick up on much, but don’t worry, it’s not that subtle. You’ll definitely grasp the racism.

Notice the characters in Blackface?  Yeah they’re evil and, erm, Florence and her choir boys are your puritanical whitewashed fantasy.  They should have just cut the music and played the Neo-Nazi banjo boys in out of solidarity.  If you’re a raging penis then please watch the video here, it’s got a massive budget.

Anyway. We feel a little genuinely angry after listening to ‘212’, the never-before-heard-hit by super cool Azealia Banks; it’s just bounce music and swearing, not even very good swearing. The video is appropriately naff which undoubtedly represents how cocking street she is.

This child pretend conga-humps a young man, twirls her hair, and probably sucks a lollipop, all while wearing a Micky Mouse jumper! How kitsch, how twee, how unbearably fucking lovely!

We want this played at all of our funerals because we’re taking you all down with us.

If you can’t be bothered watching the above video, below is a screengrab telling you everything you need to know.

You guys are all massive fans of Gallows and their new line-up right?  Yeah, we thought so, but sorry, the new video isn’t on YouTube yet.  If you would like an idea of just how great it is watch an episode of Sons of Anarchy instead, trust.

DJ Shadow might want to take his own advice one of these days and ‘Scale it Back’. DJ’s aren’t really associated with music videos as much as other genre aficionados, but for this relaxed little piano number featuring Little Dragon the man went all out. It has a quaint little story in a big warehouse presumably where all manner of props are freely available.

Of course, it’s the usual lifestyle hip hop for whitey. Whaddayaexpect?

So many music videos to watch and so little motivation to watch them. Someone should figure out a way to build them into CD’s and then make a combined CD, DVD player that will let us view with ease and pleasure. Apparently the marketing team behind The Roots were worrying this week and decided to release all the music ever, but since we just found out Black Lips have been utilising the cast of The Wire we have a winner for the final and most coveted of spots.

‘Raw Meat’ sound like a band trying to cover The Ramones and The Clash at the same time then getting confused and delighted by the resulting web of simplicity.  The 70’s cop inspired video is equally wonderful in grainy black and white. Of course nothing happens, but you can see Bubbles white friend managing to keep up his ‘I have a crippling drug habit’ look all these years on and if that’s not what you want from a music video then I just don’t know what is.

Oh dear god it was co-produced by Urban Outfitters; we rescind everything just typed.

Please come back next week when we will be talking all about the death of innocence in slutty pop videos, or as is more than likely the case we won’t be writing anything.

Oh guys, big news! Berlusconi managed to release his long awaited record! If your cheers have died down we would like to thank you for supporting the former Italian Prime Minister during his rough patch and for reading this column; which was clearly the catalyst for it finally seeing the shelves, now go and buy it immediately.

Remember The Ting Tings? Yeah. They once shouted “THAT’S NOT MY NAME!” and now it’s more of a case of “DOES ANYONE REMEMBER OUR NAMES?” Also, we’re right when we assume that they’re totally shagging each other, right?

Either way, apart from appearances on the terrible adverts that appear in the adbreaks of the X Factor which shows children with robot arms and penguins dancing on pensioners faces, the Ting Tings have fallen off the radar after briefly being considered as something of a festival fave.

Alas, singer Katie White has still not done a Nuts photoshoot and not thwacked a bass drum in anger in a while because she’s been making a new album. Excited? No, neither were the Ting Tings who promptly binned the whole thing because it wasn’t very good.

According to various publications who may or may not be lying (we don’t actually care), the band scrapped an entire album’s worth of material.

The duo made their new album in Berlin which was set for release this year. They issued the single ‘Hands’ which no-one quite remembers and then, after delays which no-one but impatient record company execs noticed, they have now turned their backs on the work they’ve done after ‘falling out of love with it’.

White says:

“We went to Berlin and really fell in love with techno and dance, which inspired the songs we made there, but we just fell out of love with it”

“We went to Spain and stumbled on this new sound so we thought, ‘fuck it, let’s make the album this way instead’. We’re not a big manufactured pop band with a song out every six months. The label might have pulled their faces a bit at the beginning, but they are now so happy we did it.”

Basically, it presumably has That’s Not My Name pt 2 on it because, effectively, that’s the sort of thing idiot Ting Tingers really want.

They do. YES THEY DO. Shut up.

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The big news amongst balding 40 year-olds is that the Stone Roses are going to reform. There’s a press conference imminent and everyone has got their hopes up again… just like they get their hopes up everytime someone mutters the word ‘reunion’.

Of course, around Manchester and its satellite towns, you have to silently mouth the words ‘Stone Roses Reunion’ in the same way dog-owners have to avoid saying ‘walkies’ to a dog. The excitement in both camps is equally giddy and urinatory.

And handily for the Stone Roses, save a bit of IRA sponsored building regeneration, Manchester hasn’t changed much since they split. For ON THE EIGHT DAY, GOD CREATED MANCHESTER NOSTALGIA!

And so, at 3pm, The Stone Roses are going to make a “very important announcement” at their London press conference. The most muttered rumour is that the most famous line-up of Ian Brown, John Squire, Mani and Reniwill reform for two gigs next year. Probably in Manchester.

Of course, this all comes on the back of ‘it ain’t ever gonna happen’ chat from most of the band members (not including those that made up the Roses circa ’96 when there was only Mani and Brown left clinging onto a sinking ship filled with Simply Red session guitarists and bottles hurled at their feet to a symphony of booing), but you get the notion that some of them could do with a hand with the mortgage these days.

John Squire hasn’t exactly been setting the art world alight now has he?

When Brown et al decided to call it a day, they signed off with:

“Having spent the last 10 years in the filthiest business in the universe, it’s a pleasure to announce the end of the Stone Roses.”

So are the Stone Roses going to make a comeback in the filthiest business in the universe? There’s only one thing they could do, other than the inevitable comeback tour, which would be of note.

All four band members should murder each other in cold blood before the assembled press to finally put an end to any reunion talk.

It’s the only way Manchester will move on from being shackled to indie nights that see pot-bellied DJs sticking the full length version of Fools Gold on while they nip off for a smoke/fag break while shell-toed divorcees relive the years they invariably ignored first time ’round.

*UPDATED*

There you have it. Stone Roses have reformed. There’ll be new material according to Ian Brown and they’re all chums again. Now all we need is the press to write headlines saying “What The World Is Waiting For”, “They Are The Resurrection”, “The Third Coming” and more.

Two shows at Manchester’s Heaton Park on June 29th and 30th, followed by a world tour.

Now piss off.

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Michael Jackson, Jodie Marsh, Conrad Murray, economic downturn, Steve Jobs, Blackberry breaking forever due to the incompetence of everyone in Slough, X Factor being a bit more rubbish this year, Beyoncé not being pregnant, and Rihanna being a babe.

These are the majestic wide reaching array of things that have happened over the weeks that this wondrous column has been leaving your lives empty, cold, and in dire need of videos set to music that are laced with apathy, tits, and guns.

Just to hit home that it really is the end of the world, Jordan gave a speech at Oxford – glad you didn’t go now – University which was shorter than the umbilical cord which you definitely would have tried to strangle yourself with; let’s get down to business.

If you’re on Twitter and hate yourself, then you probably follow Tyler The Creator who feels the need to write his stark anti-capitalist political statements in capitals. You may have been prompted to riot, as swathes of us were, by such classics as, “NIGGUH WHATS GOOD?” Recently you may have seen feminist gem, “BITCH SUCK DICK,” which is coincidentally rather similar to his totally non misogynistic single ‘Bitch Suck Dick’ which has a video out and, yes, it’s every bit as terrible as it sounds.

But hey, if people will buy a song which consists of a young man saying, “swag, swag, punch a bitch,” then you can probably make a few bob with that crap novel you work tirelessly on in a more niche less upmarket version of Starbucks (tool).

This collage of crass tastes is styled as numerous television channels featuring Tyler and his friends Taco and Jasper and a man who appears to be the more homeless looking version of Morgan Spurlock who just smokes shirtless and aggressive into your screen. If anyone here is a bitch sucking dick, it is him.

Taco spends his portion of the video crafting the Underachievers Guide to Heston’s Christmas Cooking, to entice you into eating his slab of raw pig. He first coats it in a plethora of herbs, before dousing in Corona, and finally crushing with his arse. Tasty.

Hey! Have you seen the Children In Need official single yet?

The, dully titled, Collective is, er, a collective of entertainments dregs coming together, all of whom flee Radio 1Xtra to ruin a perfectly good (if not overused) Massive Attack song. The video, my God, my God the video… features Wretch 32, Tinchy Stryder, Tulisa and a whole bunch of other no-marks all frowning before black and white images of children in various states of decomposition.

Oh Ed Sheernan is there too with his ginger mop top drawing giant love hearts all over the shop. Deciding to turn up his furrowed brow for a bit is Gary Barlow who does absolutely bugger-all for anybody other than look sad a bit.

Plenty of brilliant videos by the likes of Bjork, Fucked Up, Metronomy, Girl, and many more were released recently, but then we thought you might be more inclined to learn Nas has a video for the simply titled ‘Nasty’ out right now and your peepers haven’t even seen it yet.

The conclusion of this three minutes is that Nas has the best life ever!  He drinks Remy Martin, which is Brandy for you cheapskates, smokes large cigars, rides around in massive limos draped in girls and ice, and hands his rings to children in the streets.

See? This is what the sorry Children In Need kids should have around.  Nas is just a walking enigma and clearly an excellent rapper who connects with the people or his subjects as he likes to refer to them and he has made a fan out of this Sprayer.  The odyssey begins here.

Enjoy your tragic existence for another week snot buckets.

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